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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saw my DF's DH with another woman

254 replies

PinkBallerina · 31/03/2016 17:47

I think this is more of a WWYD.

Yesterday DCs and i had a nice day out. We visited the country next door (we live in mainland Europe) something we do once or twice a year. The day trip is always the same; a nice play and picnic in a lovely quiet forest then an afternoon drink in a beautiful restaurant DH and i stumbled across a few years ago then the local supermarket (cheap border shopping). The restaurant is in an old house in the forest, it has a beautiful garden and when the weather is nice they put odd tables throughout the garden. It is very romantic and secluded. For us a meal here is a real treat as it is expensive. DCs and i picked a nice spot near the fish pond and ordered just drinks. Then I noticed that about 10 metres away at another table was the DH of my friend with another woman. They had obviously had a big lunch and were just settling the bill. He paid cash and as they got up to put their coats on and leave i quickly pulled out my phone and took a snap of them. The photo isn't great, you just see them walking away from the table.

My friend's DH is a local man. She is from an English speaking country and so is a foreigner here like me too. They have DCs, one of whom is disabled. Her life is not easy. Her DH does not earn a lot of money and she has to be a SAHM to care for the DCs. She has in the past joked about leaving him, but in reality it is very hard for her to do this (custody of kids, finances, visas etc). Generally i think they are happy but they have their moments. Her husband is a manual labourer and wears a uniform so this was not a work lunch. I helped cater at his surprise birthday party last year and so met his close friends and relatives - i did not recognise this woman from the party.

My friend and her DH know about this restaurant because i told them! AFAIK she has never been there.

WWYD? AIBU to just delete the photo and pretend the incident never happened? I wish i had never seen him.

OP posts:
StillStayingClassySanDiego · 01/04/2016 13:24

Bloody hell there are some nasty twats on this thread.

I know posting on AIBU is like walking into a baying mob and hoping you get the crowd behind you but some of you should be fucking ashamed at the way you've addressed Pink.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/04/2016 13:32

If it was me (and it has been) I would absolutely want to know.
I cannot believe who knew about my DH at the time and didn't tell me.
I told them so as well.
And it was going on in another country for me too.

I think you should drop it into the conversation.
Just mention about your day and where you went and say that you saw her DH.
Job done!

Do not delete the photo.
If she does want to get away or tackle him on it then it may be useful proof for her.

Please don't let your friend be the last person to know that her DH (MIGHT) be a lying cheating scumbag. It's really no fun at all.

I felt very betrayed by my friends at the time because they didn't tell me.
Could have saved me months of thinking I'm crazy and being a snoop!

DownUnderBound · 01/04/2016 13:34

Fucking hell OP not sure why so many posters are being dickheads today! Usually they all sprout 'of course hes cheating' 'ltb' etc, today they are being awkward on purpose. Most people with common sense and who actually read the post, will know it does sound dodgy! And if they are all honest with themselves if a friend in RL was relaying this story, they would be thinking if sounds 'off' as others have said, tell your friend you saw him, gauge her reaction, go from there!

DiscoGlitter · 01/04/2016 13:38

and who actually read the post, will know it does sound dodgy

I have read the whole post, and what part sounds dodgy?! The bit where they walked out together, or the one where they paid the bill?! Confused
I think it's telling that some of the posters saying "yes, it's dodgy, I've been there, I'd want to know" seem to have been cheated on themselves.
Indicating major trust issues and all men are instantly up to no good.

DiscoGlitter · 01/04/2016 13:45

Spin the sexes round.
You're having dinner, totally innocent with a male friend, and one of his friends is taking pictures of you without your knowledge as he suspects you of being no good as you're in the company of another man who isn't your husband.
He's taking the pictures with the aim of probably going to show your husband that you're obviously up to no good. Just because you're talking to somebody else. Which by your post, is all they were doing.
Nothing at all incriminating.
There'd be far more cries and up in arms on here how unreasonable he was being.

Choceeclair123 · 01/04/2016 13:48

OP I bet you won't bother asking for advice on here again will you?! Bloody ridiculous some of the stupid comments on here.

Gileswithachainsaw · 01/04/2016 13:49

exactly disco

and Imagine how it would feel to have your dh/w split with you or start a fight with yku based on a grainy photo amd the word of a person who didnt even speak to them.at the time.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/04/2016 13:51

If it was the other way around I would say the same.
If I was having lunch with a male friend I would have told my OH.
So when it was brought up he could happily say - yeah I know Hells told me about it. He's a nice guy... etc...
I would absolutely expect someone to say something in that situation.
But if there's nothing to hide then no harm done eh!?

This guy spend the whole day with this woman. They were a 3 hour round trip away from where he lives with the lunch thrown in, probably 2 hours, that would take a whole day.

If OP mentions it like suggested then his DW will either say, yeah I know about that it's X and they were discussing Y.
If her DH has spent a whole day with OW and left his DW home alone to cope with the kids when he should be helping (far more likely) then she needs to know!

hellsbellsmelons · 01/04/2016 13:54

If it's completely innocent then how will it cause a split?
That's just not the case.
If it's innocent and the wife knows about his day out then it's all fine.
Blimey, it's weird on here today!

OP, next time you need some helpful advice please post in Chat or Relationships.
Far more balanced and helpful views there.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 01/04/2016 13:54

OP shouldn't tell her mate that she saw this bloke with another woman, well I wouldn't anyway unless I had something more concrete.

The relish with which some of you have stuck the knife in is fucking awful, do you all enjoy it?

DownUnderBound · 01/04/2016 13:55

Oh disco get a grip will you. Don't be so pedantic. If a friend of yours had a dh who was builder? And you saw him out the blue far away with a lady you didn't recognize from their lives, having a lunch somewhere, (remember OP personally knows these people so is.obviously in a better position to establish that this in itself is unusual) then I bet you any money you may think 'thats a bit odd, should I mention it or not?' I obviously did not mean having lunch in itself is dodgy, thats you being bored and pedantic!

Gileswithachainsaw · 01/04/2016 13:56

Because the very fact there's there's a photo and the op has made a big deal out of it, already puts far more emphasis on the situation.

and let's face it, when your at home with the kids all day etc it cab be very easy for your mind to run away with things based on the fact that you have no one to sound off too

hellsbellsmelons · 01/04/2016 13:58

well I wouldn't anyway unless I had something more concrete
What.?? More concrete than seeing him with her own eyes, far away from home with an OW she doesn't recognise at all.
You might not tell your DF about it but she would not thank you for that.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 01/04/2016 14:03

No hells I wouldn't unless I saw them snogging the face off each other.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/04/2016 14:07

That's OK then... your poor DF could be worrying, stressing, wondering what she has done wrong, fearing for her relationship with no idea why, thinking she's going crazy..
Because, we all have 'that' feeling. Our gut instinct. We all know something is 'off' but don't know what or why.
If that's what floats your boat though that's fine.

DiscoGlitter · 01/04/2016 14:07

Oh disco get a grip will you

I do have a grip, thank you. As well as a different opinion, which are allowed yo know, doesn''t automatically make me bored.
What's him being a builder got to do with anything? I'll try to remember next time that any builders in a posh restaurant with a member of the opposite sex are obviously up to no good as it can't possibly be anything else. Maybe they should be at Pizza Hut instead to make it more plausible?

Haffdonga · 01/04/2016 14:08

I've read similar stories on MN many times ( I saw my mate's dp with someone else in a restaurant/hotel/coming out of her house, etc etc. wwyd? ).

9 times out of 10 posters are ready to assume the dp is up to no good and advise all sorts from telling friend outright, confronting the cheating partner, anonymous emails or doing nothing. OP, you are getting a pasting for no good reason here. You have told us what you saw and asked us WWYD. Nowt wrong with that.

So, either it's innocent or it's not. If it's innocent then casually mentioning it to your df in a Oh, we saw your dh in that restuarant, but they left before we had a chance to say hello kind of way will do no harm. OR it's not innocent. In which case casually mentioning it will raise your df's awareness and she can then choose whether to ignore or investigate the info without feeling the humiliation of you telling her outright that her dh is a cheat..

Not mentioning anything is surely weirder as it carries the presumption that you think something is not innocent and you're deliberately hiding it. You'd mention seeing someone's mum in a restaurant in another country, as you would their dh too.

BillSykesDog · 01/04/2016 14:10

I totally agree with disco and sandiego. This is absolutely MN double standards for the sexes at it's worst. A woman in this situation would probably be told she was being harassed and abused but when it's a man he's obviously a complete bastard who must fucking deserve it.

And I don't know where the posters getting a kick out of sticking the knife in have got the idea they have some sort of posting moral high ground from. They're the ones describing other posters as dickheads and twats because they don't want to join in with their lynch mob.

antiqueroadhoe · 01/04/2016 14:17

Restaurant sounds lovely!

I would say how I thought I saw X walking out of restaurant but not sure - "could you ask him if was he there, and to say sorry if he was because I didn't say hello."

hellsbellsmelons · 01/04/2016 14:22

I still can't figure out why it is double standards?
So if a woman on MN was out with a male friend.

In another county (or country) which is 1.5 hours away from where she normally lives.
Then someone saw her and mentioned it to her DH. In turn that would be abuse and harassment?

HOW???? I'm lost sorry.

DiscoGlitter · 01/04/2016 14:23

What.?? More concrete than seeing him with her own eyes, far away from home with an OW she doesn't recognise at all.
You might not tell your DF about it but she would not thank you for that.

WTF's he actually DONE though?! It's hardly bloody concrete evidence of an affair to see someone far away from home in the company of a member of the opposite sex!
For crying out loud.

KidLorneRoll · 01/04/2016 14:25

He's had lunch with another woman. Hang the bastard etc.

Or, keep your nose out of other people's affairs. One of the two.

Purplebluebird · 01/04/2016 14:30

I would want to know, even if it's completely innocent. You've had some very good suggestions to how to tell her, so I would go with one of them and hope it's nothing, and that your friend already knows about this woman.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 01/04/2016 14:33

Bloody hell at the legions of people being wilfully obtuse on this thread and attacking OP for being concerned for her friend.

Bet they'd all love their DHs going to intimate expensive restaurants for dinners with another woman when they have money worries. Not.

Abed · 01/04/2016 14:33

I don't get what the bloke has done wrong, the OP sounds like a stalker.