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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saw my DF's DH with another woman

254 replies

PinkBallerina · 31/03/2016 17:47

I think this is more of a WWYD.

Yesterday DCs and i had a nice day out. We visited the country next door (we live in mainland Europe) something we do once or twice a year. The day trip is always the same; a nice play and picnic in a lovely quiet forest then an afternoon drink in a beautiful restaurant DH and i stumbled across a few years ago then the local supermarket (cheap border shopping). The restaurant is in an old house in the forest, it has a beautiful garden and when the weather is nice they put odd tables throughout the garden. It is very romantic and secluded. For us a meal here is a real treat as it is expensive. DCs and i picked a nice spot near the fish pond and ordered just drinks. Then I noticed that about 10 metres away at another table was the DH of my friend with another woman. They had obviously had a big lunch and were just settling the bill. He paid cash and as they got up to put their coats on and leave i quickly pulled out my phone and took a snap of them. The photo isn't great, you just see them walking away from the table.

My friend's DH is a local man. She is from an English speaking country and so is a foreigner here like me too. They have DCs, one of whom is disabled. Her life is not easy. Her DH does not earn a lot of money and she has to be a SAHM to care for the DCs. She has in the past joked about leaving him, but in reality it is very hard for her to do this (custody of kids, finances, visas etc). Generally i think they are happy but they have their moments. Her husband is a manual labourer and wears a uniform so this was not a work lunch. I helped cater at his surprise birthday party last year and so met his close friends and relatives - i did not recognise this woman from the party.

My friend and her DH know about this restaurant because i told them! AFAIK she has never been there.

WWYD? AIBU to just delete the photo and pretend the incident never happened? I wish i had never seen him.

OP posts:
Cagliostro · 01/04/2016 14:36
Confused
HazyMazy · 01/04/2016 14:38

I would do what you will prob do - nothing- but keep your antennae alert for anything DF says, such as criticism of her DH, complaints about being unhappy with her lot, or even if she is v happy then you will prob be relieved you said nothing.

Because of the difficulties with her being an incomer to the country it's prob best to say nowt.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 01/04/2016 14:41

I think HazyMazy has put it very well and without being a nasty bugger to Pink

DiscoGlitter · 01/04/2016 14:42

attacking OP for being concerned for her friend.

On what grounds does she have to be concerned though?

BillSykesDog · 01/04/2016 14:58

Someone posted much earlier in the thread too that this area is where most people from across the border go to do their supermarket shop because it's much cheaper. So there is a fairly reasonable explanation for him being their that for some reason lots of posters have chosen to ignore.

An awful lot of it is extrapolation too, 'from what I can see they'd had a heavy lunch', 'it must have cost €200'.

By all means mention in passing. But taking photos and making a big deal about 'telling her'. It's really unpleasant, really, really.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/04/2016 15:18

I didn't say he'd actually done anything (although given the post and the subsequent ones I do think he is up to no good)
But mentioning it in passing, if it's all innocent, should not be an issue.

EverySongbirdSays · 01/04/2016 15:23

I haven't got anything new to add, just that I feel very sorry for this OP and I think many others do and I hope that she does come back and update.

Flowers
MrsS1990 · 01/04/2016 16:34

Anyone would find this suspicious. And if you say you wouldn't, your a liar.

I think if say nothing. You've been put in an awkward situation op

CreepingDogFart · 01/04/2016 16:40

I'd tell her. She can then make her own judgement.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 01/04/2016 16:44

I'm not a liar MrsS

It would not phase me in the slightest and if someone came to tattle tale on a DH/DP for having lunch with a member of the other sex I would be quite disturbed at their own morals.

Just because I'm married to someone it does not give me the right to isolate them from friends or place conditions on how they can interact with them and no I do not need to know who they are socialising with.

And the same goes for me.

DiscoGlitter · 01/04/2016 16:45

Well, it's reassuring to know that if I ever go out for a drink with a male friend again, there's nothing wrong with a mutual friend who happens to be in the same place sitting at another table, taking photos of us to show dh as it must mean I'm up to no good as anyone would find this suspicious
Woman talks to another man without dh present (which is what the OP basically saw.) That's so suspicious.
Have I sleepwalked back into the 1950s or something?

Waltermittythesequel · 01/04/2016 16:46

If it was the other way around I would say the same.
If I was having lunch with a male friend I would have told my OH.

This.

And if the sexes were reversed and the husband didn't know about it, I would wonder why, too.

No matter what side you come down on, there is absolutely no need for some of you to have spoken to the OP the way you have.

FFS. What are you getting out of it?

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 01/04/2016 16:49

Agreed Walter the way some posters jumped in like sheep to berate the OP and poke her with a stick is bloody nasty.

Waltermittythesequel · 01/04/2016 16:49

Oh for heaven's sake.

It's not about controlling friends or keeping tabs!

I always tell my dh my social plans. Why wouldn't I?

It doesn't sound like this place is the type where you'd run into someone and have an impromptu meal so it was more than likely planned. I can't think of any reason why I wouldn't tell my dh that.

And, some of your snide little digs about the OP taking her dc there for a hot chocolate are really fucking mean.

hellsbellsmelons · 01/04/2016 17:00

Crikey - I don't NEED to know where my OH is when he is out but he always tells me.
Why wouldn't he?
He doesn't get dressed and go out and slam the door without telling me where he's off to. He will actually usually tell me well in advance if it's a planned night out or something to do with his hobby (shoch horror)
It's nice to have a chat about the evening/lunch/day as well.
How was so and so? What have they been up to lately?
Did you have a nice time? What did you eat?
I do the same.
I'm off out with the girls tonight so you won't see me until late.
Then I'll let him know how my night was and what we got up to.
Some of you have very weird relationships or maybe it's me.
Having a loving, trusting, well communicating relationship where we talk to each other about where we are going and what we are doing might just be 'right out there'!!!

randdom · 01/04/2016 17:17

I don't understand why people are being so horrible to the OP.

I have read the whole post, and what part sounds dodgy?! The bit where they walked out together, or the one where they paid the bill?! confused

The part where they were miles away from home, where the man had told his wife that he was working all week, where they were at an expensive restaurant when he couldn't afford to buy his wife a birthday present.

It could well be all very above board in which case what is the issue. The OP mentions to her friend that she saw her husband at x in a casual way. Her friend either says yes I know that he was there with Y or having a meeting etch, or checks with her husband who has a good reason for being there which he hasn't mentioned to his wife. Either way there is absolutely no harm done.

If my friend came to me and told me that she had seen my husband out with someone (when I knew it was an innocent situation) I wouldn't be annoyed but would appreciate that she was looking out for me and that it wouldn't have been easy to bring it up.

DiscoGlitter · 01/04/2016 17:18

Having a loving, trusting, well communicating relationship where we talk to each other about where we are going and what we are doing might just be 'right out there'!!!

Nowhere in the OP does it say that the dh's wife is in the dark about them meeting up. She more than likely does know who and where he's with.
I just don't see how sneakily taking pictures to presumably show the friend that her man's out without her and so must be up to no good is in any way normal!
If he was somewhere with a male friend, would you still be taking photos of them?
There's nothing at ALL in the OP which could be construed as suspicious.
It's shit stirring.

CaptainMarvelDanvers · 01/04/2016 17:41

Before you do anything just make sure you're 100% it was him. I walked up and started having a conversation with someone I knew this morning except I didn't know him, he was just the spitting double of someone I knew.

DotForShort · 01/04/2016 17:46

If I went out to lunch with a male friend, and another friend saw me there, took a covert photo of us, and reported on us to my husband, that person (the photographer/reporter) would no longer be my friend. I would never dream of being unfaithful to my husband and I would be very offended if someone else took it upon him/herself to interpret my actions as suspicious, wrong, etc.

In this case, the lunch could be completely innocent. Even if the OP has met a lot of this man's friends and family members, it is highly unlikely that she has met them all. By her own account she barely knows him. Taking a picture just seems an odd thing to do IMO.

BlueJug · 01/04/2016 18:12

You shouldn't be getting hard time OP- it is a dilemma.
Personally I'd say nothing. keep out of it. She will find out one day. She may already know and would prefer it that others didn't. It may be innocent.

You gain nothing by getting involved.

MrsS1990 · 01/04/2016 18:14

No you don't have the right. But there's something seriously wrong if you go to lunch with anyone and not happen to mention it to your wife. Communication

Branleuse · 01/04/2016 18:28

i think you should say something

You could say, look, this is really awkward, and it could easily be nothing at all and all above board, but on the off-chance it isnt, I saw your dh having expensive lunch with a woman on wednesday and I hope to god its someone you know, or a business lunch or anything, but please, if it isnt, then keep your wits about you and prepare yourself. Then tell her that if she would rather nothing else was said, then you are happy to just never mention it again, but if she wants to talk about it, youre there too,

What an awkward situation. Theres no right answer is there

corythatwas · 01/04/2016 18:32

Casually mentioning that I saw your dh is one thing. But that your first reaction is actually getting out the phone and taking a picture of them just sounds...odd? creepy?

blindsider · 01/04/2016 18:53

Disco glitter

There's nothing at ALL in the OP which could be construed as suspicious.
It's shit stirring.

It is first of all concern for her friend that is the driver for all this lest you forget in your gleeful rush to accuse her of shit stirring.

There are suspicious circumstances in the OP

  1. Expensive restaurant away from home with single woman may be innocent may well not be .
  2. Paid for in Cash may not be suspicious if self employed builder (he isn't) but could be to avoid a paper trail.
  3. The Op stated that her friend knew she was going to France and didn't mention her DH was again maybe nothing , it may be she doesn't know.

Anecdotal evidence suggests he is up to no good, the only shame is she didn't say Hi as then she would have known instantly.

blindsider · 01/04/2016 19:00

Dotforshort

I would never dream of being unfaithful to my husband

The world is full of adulterers who 'wouldn't dream' of cheating on their husbands/wives.....(not an accusation)

The photo is merely IMO symptomatic of age we live in where snapping away is the norm. Also potentially good evidence if he denied it, I doubt she was planning on presenting the photo and say "what do you make of this"

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