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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saw my DF's DH with another woman

254 replies

PinkBallerina · 31/03/2016 17:47

I think this is more of a WWYD.

Yesterday DCs and i had a nice day out. We visited the country next door (we live in mainland Europe) something we do once or twice a year. The day trip is always the same; a nice play and picnic in a lovely quiet forest then an afternoon drink in a beautiful restaurant DH and i stumbled across a few years ago then the local supermarket (cheap border shopping). The restaurant is in an old house in the forest, it has a beautiful garden and when the weather is nice they put odd tables throughout the garden. It is very romantic and secluded. For us a meal here is a real treat as it is expensive. DCs and i picked a nice spot near the fish pond and ordered just drinks. Then I noticed that about 10 metres away at another table was the DH of my friend with another woman. They had obviously had a big lunch and were just settling the bill. He paid cash and as they got up to put their coats on and leave i quickly pulled out my phone and took a snap of them. The photo isn't great, you just see them walking away from the table.

My friend's DH is a local man. She is from an English speaking country and so is a foreigner here like me too. They have DCs, one of whom is disabled. Her life is not easy. Her DH does not earn a lot of money and she has to be a SAHM to care for the DCs. She has in the past joked about leaving him, but in reality it is very hard for her to do this (custody of kids, finances, visas etc). Generally i think they are happy but they have their moments. Her husband is a manual labourer and wears a uniform so this was not a work lunch. I helped cater at his surprise birthday party last year and so met his close friends and relatives - i did not recognise this woman from the party.

My friend and her DH know about this restaurant because i told them! AFAIK she has never been there.

WWYD? AIBU to just delete the photo and pretend the incident never happened? I wish i had never seen him.

OP posts:
FirstWeTakeManhattan · 31/03/2016 22:41

You absolutely have to mention it

Why?

The OP saw absolutely nothing apart from the husband of a friend having lunch with someone.

so it's almost certainly an affair

Oh right then. Hmm

I think whipping out your phone and taking a picture is odd, if I'm honest, OP. It simply wouldn't cross my mind to do that.

SilverBirchWithout · 31/03/2016 22:42

The thing is if it was closer to home I would be more inclined to believe it was an affair it sounds like it was more likely a meet up with an old friend or family member. Either near where they lived, or a mutually convenient point somewhere between the two of them.

I do this with my DB, my adult DS or my old friend from Uni days.

Now an affair is not usually a long leisurely lunch, that only happens in novels or to classy people with lots of time on their hands.

Rainbunny · 31/03/2016 23:07

Well many people are making assumptions that it is innocent or that it isn't. We don't know either way but in either scenario surely it's okay to mention to the friend that OP saw her DH then? If it's innocent, great! If not, I personally would rather know than be ignorant. OP can mention it diplomatically, it doesn't have to be a big deal. I'd rather my friends looked out for me even if it was perfectly innocent. I honestly can't see what's wrong with honesty and truth.

DancingDinosaur · 31/03/2016 23:21

If she's a friend I'd mention it. And let her decide what to do, if she needs to do anything that is. Hopefully its entirely innocent. But I would mention it if it were one of my friends, and hope they would do the same for me.

Scuttlebutter · 01/04/2016 00:41

I still remember my mother facing a similar situation many years ago. A "kind" neighbour decided to point out that they had seen her at the cinema, arm in arm with another man (not my father), in front of several people at the village shop (and main hub for gossip). My mother took great delight in pointing out how much she was enjoying the company of her brother who had recently returned home from working overseas and when in the UK was based in London (my parents live in Wales).

Like other people on this thread, I have a number of male friends (I'm happily married) and have enjoyed nights out with them at bands we both like, theatre, quiz nights etc when my DH is working away.

This situation by itself is not evidence of an affair and I'm sorry to say if someone told me this, I'd be wondering why it was their business and what was their motivation.

catewood21 · 01/04/2016 01:03

Are you 100% sure it even was him and not just someone who looked very similar from a distance. You said your kids were playing. I think if I had paid £200 for lunch and there were kids playing 10 m away I would have thrown them death stares noticed your family and hence recognised you

redskirt3 · 01/04/2016 01:12

I think your gut feeling is probably accurate. I think you should tell your friend if you are close friends, but do it in such a way that you don't embarrass yourself if there really is an innocent explanation. (And ignore all the silly posters who would have you believe that they wouldn't mind in the slightest if their husband had an expensive lunch with another woman in a romantic location!!!)

ThatsNotMyRabbit · 01/04/2016 01:15

"Could be a sibling he never knew he had"

PMSL!!

Yeah. That's ever so likely.

kittybiscuits · 01/04/2016 07:43

It could be his long lost identical twin he never knew he had Hmm

Duckdeamon · 01/04/2016 07:48

So all these posters wouldn't share info like this with their friend and would be fine if their friends had the same policy.

If a friend mentioned something like this to me I wouldn't "worry about her motivation": not at all, since his/her motivation would simply be friendship! In fact this has happened to me twice: once with a bf who was indeed cheating and once with DH who was not! I would be upset, however, if s/he said nothing but gossiped to mutual friends and it later came to light.

Berthatydfil · 01/04/2016 07:58

Wow Op is having a very hard time on this - she obviously cares for her friend who on the face of it is having a tough time, cares for a disabled dc, missed out on a birthday present due to finances, has spoken in the past about leaving him but can't due to personal circs.

So op sees friend dh in an expensive romantic fancy restaurant miles from home - dh isn't in a job which entails entertaining customers, he pays cash despite not buying his own wife a birthday present due to finances, woman isn't known to op to be a friend or member of his extended family, she observed an intimate gesture between them.

It might not be an affair but as the saying goes when you hear hoof beats think horses not Zebras.

I suppose op you need to ask yourself how this knowledge would be received you say she isn't a native and would find it difficult with visas etc and it would be difficult as a single parent. Once you say something you can't unsay it.

It's a difficult one OP.

BalloonSlayer · 01/04/2016 08:19

Her 'friend' was apparently gutted she was all ready to be a shoulder to cry on.

or she could have been gutted as she was mortified: she had plucked up her courage to tell her friend something very difficult, had had sleepless nights wondering whether it was the right thing to do or not, had decided reluctantly that it was and now found that she had unjustly accused someone of adultery and had messed up a friendship.

Yes things aren't always what they seem. I bloody wish someone had told me when my ex was carrying on, then I wouldn't have married the bastard.

stiffstink · 01/04/2016 08:25

The comments on this thread are the exact opposite of the advice given to a poster recently when she saw friend's DH's car outside a hotel (just his car, not him in person). Everyone suggested she take a photo but this OP I being called weird for doing it?!

OP you've been given a hard time but you have done the right thing. Mention this to your friend when you next meet. If she is surprised you can then mention the photo. Her DH's unavailability over Easter is odd - if my DH had a big trip out for lunch in a different country I would usually say "DH has been working loads and even had to go over to France for X reason!" (maybe I give people too much info).

Surely she would mention that restaurant to you if she knew her DH had been there, given that you told them about it?

Bearbehind · 01/04/2016 08:32

whatever you decide to do OP go easy on the waffle if you do decide to speak to friend or husband.

I know you've been pulled up for the long winded nature of your OP but no one else seems to have picked up on the fact you've actually completely contradicted yourself at least once on something quite simple.

In your OP you said you 'quickly pulled out my phone to take a snap of them' yet later on you said you only took the photo as you had your phone in your hand. Hmm

I appreciate you are not on trial here but tripping yourself up over simple details like this will make any conversations you have more difficult.

Just be concise and to the point.

mishmash1979 · 01/04/2016 08:36

Just a thought; can u not mention to the husband that you saw him? That's what I did when I saw friends hubbie with another woman very very very soon after they had decided to "take a break". She mentioned to me that he had told her (but didn't mention the woman) so I felt I had given him the opportunity to explain and he hadn't so it was fair game for me to tell her!!!

ExasperatedAlmostAlways · 01/04/2016 09:14

Just to add I would be raging and disappointed and really question my friendship if I ever found a friend had known something like this and didn't tell me. I think it sounds dodgy and don't understand why so many posters have been so snipey.

dustarr73 · 01/04/2016 09:28

I think op you are getting a hard time on here.I don't think your opening post was that longwinded.
After all drip feeding is frowned upon and all you where trying to do was set the scene.

Just tell your friends iend as gently as you can,and just be a there for her

gingercat02 · 01/04/2016 09:40

Well people are in a lovely mood today OP! I would probably have said hello to him and expected an introduction, however I would still tell your friend. I would want to know. If it's innocent fine but if not fore warned is fore armed as they say!

JeanGenie23 · 01/04/2016 09:44

I couldn't sit on this and not say anything at all. However I wouldn't go in like a bull in a china shop because it could be nothing.

Just whenever you see friend again mention you saw her DH on your day out and pass on your apologises for not saying hello. Her reaction to this will be an indication on whether you need to say more. Don't go in there shouting about the picture you have, especially when said photo isn't particularly incriminating.

Waltermittythesequel · 01/04/2016 10:16

Fucking hell some of you lot are so unnecessarily nasty. Does it make you feel oh-so-clever?

OP I would mention it to your friend but it doesn't have to be in a sad face way. Just 'I saw John the other day in X but I didn't get the chance to say hello.'

If she knew and it was fine, no problem.

It's up to her what she does with the info.

My dh has business meals a lot with all sorts of people. Both he and I would find it amusing that he was 'caught' but I'd also appreciate the friend who told me and would never assume a motive other than concern for me.

DiscoGlitter · 01/04/2016 10:30

He had had lunch with someone else of the opposite sex? Won't somebody PLEASE alert the church elders?! Shock Confused
If all you saw was them walking away and paying a bill, it could have been absolutely ANYTHING.
Client, old friend he's met up with for the day etc. People ARE allowed to have friends of the opposite sex, you know without wanting to boff them.
I could understand if you'd seen them cosying up over dinner, or flirting, but you saw them walking out of a restaurant together. Hardly incriminating evidence to be taking sneaky photos.
I'm married, and when I went away for a weekend with out DH I met up with an old friend for a drink or two and something to eat as it was where he now lives and not seen him for ages.
If any nosey twat on the next table thought something was going on and texted DH I wouldn't have been amused! (Who would have known all about the meeting up anyway as it was hardly secret and totally innocent. )

AdrenalineFudge · 01/04/2016 10:40

I'd casually mention to friend that you saw her H and didn't get a chance to say hello. It might be innocent, it might not - either way you'll stop yourself from creating all sorts of scenarios in your head.

Original poster
PinkBallerina · 01/04/2016 11:26

I'm seeing her on the weekend for coffee. I mentioned that i went to France and so had bought the yummy biscuits that she loves and will bring them with me for coffee. So now she knows i was in France on wednesday and didn't mention her DH being there too.

Her DH doesn't speak any English and my French is ok but not perfect so we hardly talk. So no i didn't rush over to say hi. If we had seen each other i think a wave and bonjour / bon appetit would have been it.

OP posts:
Original poster
PinkBallerina · 01/04/2016 11:28

discoglitter nosey twat? Thanks for that

OP posts:
Buzzardbird · 01/04/2016 11:36

I cannot understand what the insults are for? OP saw something she thought was 'off', she asks for other opinions.
Are you going to casually drop it into conversation that you saw her DH OP? I think it would stop you worrying about it, she might just say "oh yes, DH had a lunch with so and so (someone you haven't met, or don't remember) and then you will feel relieved.