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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saw my DF's DH with another woman

254 replies

PinkBallerina · 31/03/2016 17:47

I think this is more of a WWYD.

Yesterday DCs and i had a nice day out. We visited the country next door (we live in mainland Europe) something we do once or twice a year. The day trip is always the same; a nice play and picnic in a lovely quiet forest then an afternoon drink in a beautiful restaurant DH and i stumbled across a few years ago then the local supermarket (cheap border shopping). The restaurant is in an old house in the forest, it has a beautiful garden and when the weather is nice they put odd tables throughout the garden. It is very romantic and secluded. For us a meal here is a real treat as it is expensive. DCs and i picked a nice spot near the fish pond and ordered just drinks. Then I noticed that about 10 metres away at another table was the DH of my friend with another woman. They had obviously had a big lunch and were just settling the bill. He paid cash and as they got up to put their coats on and leave i quickly pulled out my phone and took a snap of them. The photo isn't great, you just see them walking away from the table.

My friend's DH is a local man. She is from an English speaking country and so is a foreigner here like me too. They have DCs, one of whom is disabled. Her life is not easy. Her DH does not earn a lot of money and she has to be a SAHM to care for the DCs. She has in the past joked about leaving him, but in reality it is very hard for her to do this (custody of kids, finances, visas etc). Generally i think they are happy but they have their moments. Her husband is a manual labourer and wears a uniform so this was not a work lunch. I helped cater at his surprise birthday party last year and so met his close friends and relatives - i did not recognise this woman from the party.

My friend and her DH know about this restaurant because i told them! AFAIK she has never been there.

WWYD? AIBU to just delete the photo and pretend the incident never happened? I wish i had never seen him.

OP posts:
ProfessorPickles · 31/03/2016 20:39

I'd text her in a casual way like PPs have suggested. Along the lines of "hope DH doesn't think I was being rude when we saw him at so and so place, I didn't get chance to say hello!"

Original poster
PinkBallerina · 31/03/2016 20:44

I don't know what i am supposed to have made a dogs dinner of?

I messaged friend to ask to meet for coffee and she said yes, she was having a shitty easter hols, her DH was supposed to take time off work to help with the DCs over the hols and had to work all week instead. No mention of him taking a day off to go to France.

OP posts:
BillSykesDog · 31/03/2016 20:45

Fucking MN. If a man came on here and said the same thing but about a woman he'd have his arse handed to him on a plate then charged 200 euros for it.

kittybiscuits · 31/03/2016 20:46
Biscuit
redshoeblueshoe · 31/03/2016 20:47

From the initial post - OP saw 2 people in a restaurant and assumed an affair.
When some of us thought this was not necessarily what she had seen she has added extra details.
Some of us can actually manage to have contact with people without it being an affair.
And some of us have had goady fuckers who run to our P's insisting they have seen something that exists only in their imagination.
How convenient to be able to take a photo, without being seen, but not being able to manage the courtesy of saying hello.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 31/03/2016 20:50

Pink that is precisely the kind of information I'd be looking for to guide me if I were in your shoes!

It doesn't yet make the "what should I do?" and clearer, but hopefully when you meet her for coffee you'll be able to feel things out from there. You obviously care about her and just want to do the right thing; trust yourself to know what that is when you see her, and be brave!

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 31/03/2016 20:54

If a man came on here and said the same thing but about a woman he'd have his arse handed to him on a plate

Really? Why? I can't see that it would be any different. Some people would jump on him like "a woman can have a meal with a man, y' know", and others would say "if it were my mate I'd tell him/not tell him because I'd want to/not want to know".

Am I missing something?

Original poster
PinkBallerina · 31/03/2016 20:59

redshoeblueshoe i haven't added anything else, there was plenty of info in my OP, which i have beeen told repeatedly was too much info anyway for an OP.

Thanks anyway for all your opinions, i'll deal with it now

OP posts:
redshoeblueshoe · 31/03/2016 21:02

Pink - you certainly did add something, you said he had his hand on her lower back.

bingandflop · 31/03/2016 21:12

Jesus, people - naive much?? He is obviously having an affair. OP of course you are concerned. I agree with those saying 'sorry I didn't get a chance to say hello to your husband ' at X restaurant the other day'. She clearly felt awkward because she picked up on the situation and that's why she didn't say hi to him. Lol at the idea of 'long lost sister ' and other such clutching at straws bollocks!

EverySongbirdSays · 31/03/2016 21:17

Hey OP, I feel bad for you on this

Flowers

You know it is highly possible that if she is struggling and miserable she may already know or suspect an affair. Women generally aren't fools. You telling her maybe exactly what she wants to hear. "Someone, at last! Has confirmed my suspicions" - he could be gaslighting.

OR she quietly knows and is pretending not to and will hate you for forcing her to acknowledge the elephant in the room. Shoot the messenger syndrome.

Or the whole thing is innocent. But I dont think it is, and, as you both IDd him it's not like it's mistaken identity.

Either way please update, I'd like to hear how this one resolves.

CornishDoll82 · 31/03/2016 21:22

Leave it, it's none of your business. People don't always even want to know these things

IpreferToblerone · 31/03/2016 21:22

What's MRA's?

ilovesooty · 31/03/2016 21:30

What's a MRA?

Nottodaythankyouorever · 31/03/2016 21:30

Is it really necessary to be quite so shitty to the OP? Or are you just bored?

It seems to be the custom now on any thread where a woman is even slightly critical of a man. I've noticed it on half a dozen different threads today. I wonder if we have more MRAs on the board these days than mothers

Or maybe you know, people don't always agree. Wink

There isn't a rule that if female you have to agree with all other females.

ilovesooty · 31/03/2016 21:31

Sorry - X post.

ProfessorPickles · 31/03/2016 21:37

If I was the friend and my DP was seen out with a woman I'd definitely want someone to let me know, assuming it is something dodgey. Sounds that way if he had his hand on the bottom of her back and is supposed to be working all this week.

Hopefully it'll turn out to be an innocent meet up that she knew all about though!

razmataz · 31/03/2016 21:41

To be honest OP, I agree that it sounds dodgy - and I say that as someone who has male friends and who has regularly gone out for meals with them alone.

You're getting a hard time on here, but no, it is not usual for manual labourers to be out for expensive business lunches, particularly a long way away from their place of work.

Of course it might be totally innocent, but you're not being crazy for thinking it sounds suspicious. As has been suggested, I'd just mention to her when you see her that you saw her DH at lunch the other day, and see what she says. Doesn't mean insinuating anything, just mention it casually and see what she says.

Rainbunny · 31/03/2016 21:43

At the end of the day I would want to know if my DH was eating expensive lunches with another woman, it could be innocent but I'd think I deserve the right to be aware so I can find out for myself. OP, it could be innocent, it could turn out to be his doppelganger (I have actually experienced a doppelganger situation that confused many people - it's a funny story!) or it could be what we are all thinking. What she does with the information is up to her, but she's not a child and I personally don't think there really is such a thing as happy ignorance. Just be very plain, stick to what you saw and don't suggest anything beyond that, she can follow up on the information.

Couldashouldawoulda · 31/03/2016 21:44

Dodgy as. He was obviously lying about where he was. Go ahead and tell/text her gently that you saw him, didn't get to say hi, and she can decide from there what she wants to ask you, if anything. A text might be easier, actually - gives her time to think it over so the messenger might be less likely to get shot.

IpreferToblerone · 31/03/2016 21:53

Sooty - great minds! - googled it .... Men's rights activists

SilverBirchWithout · 31/03/2016 22:07

It all sounds beautiful.

It must have a lovely break from the daily grind for your DF's DH.

One of my DB's (who is very wealthy) treats me to a posh meal out now and again. He once treated me, DH & DS to a night in a hotel in the centre of Seville.

ilovesooty · 31/03/2016 22:10

Thanks Toblerone

scarlets · 31/03/2016 22:32

I'm usually inclined to give people the benefit of the doubt, but labourers don't have business lunches in expensive restaurants miles away from home and you've met the significant women in his life, so it's almost certainly an affair.

BitOutOfPractice · 31/03/2016 22:39

Goodness me the OP has had a hard time. No idea why.

Usually MN is baying for the blood of a man who looks even vauguly suspicious (and most of the time they are right!)

OP what a horrible situation. I have no idea what to say but I'd be inclined to have a quiet word with your friend's DP

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