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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Saw my DF's DH with another woman

254 replies

PinkBallerina · 31/03/2016 17:47

I think this is more of a WWYD.

Yesterday DCs and i had a nice day out. We visited the country next door (we live in mainland Europe) something we do once or twice a year. The day trip is always the same; a nice play and picnic in a lovely quiet forest then an afternoon drink in a beautiful restaurant DH and i stumbled across a few years ago then the local supermarket (cheap border shopping). The restaurant is in an old house in the forest, it has a beautiful garden and when the weather is nice they put odd tables throughout the garden. It is very romantic and secluded. For us a meal here is a real treat as it is expensive. DCs and i picked a nice spot near the fish pond and ordered just drinks. Then I noticed that about 10 metres away at another table was the DH of my friend with another woman. They had obviously had a big lunch and were just settling the bill. He paid cash and as they got up to put their coats on and leave i quickly pulled out my phone and took a snap of them. The photo isn't great, you just see them walking away from the table.

My friend's DH is a local man. She is from an English speaking country and so is a foreigner here like me too. They have DCs, one of whom is disabled. Her life is not easy. Her DH does not earn a lot of money and she has to be a SAHM to care for the DCs. She has in the past joked about leaving him, but in reality it is very hard for her to do this (custody of kids, finances, visas etc). Generally i think they are happy but they have their moments. Her husband is a manual labourer and wears a uniform so this was not a work lunch. I helped cater at his surprise birthday party last year and so met his close friends and relatives - i did not recognise this woman from the party.

My friend and her DH know about this restaurant because i told them! AFAIK she has never been there.

WWYD? AIBU to just delete the photo and pretend the incident never happened? I wish i had never seen him.

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 31/03/2016 18:57

They were quite obviously on a romantic date which his wife needs to know about.

If he wasn't on a date (oh so unlikely) then it won't matter at all if the OP says she saw him there and didn't get a chance to say hello.

Yes, I think you should mention to the woman stuck at home with her disabled child who doesn't get birthday presents that her husband was in an expensive restaurant this week.

Thanks for you, it's a crap job.

Patapouf · 31/03/2016 18:57

I knew which cross border situation you were on about! every sane person in Suisse Romande drives to French supermarkets
I would mention it but in a non-accusatory way. Like: I was at X the other day, you know how I like to go there with the DCs, and I saw your DH- what a funny coincidence!

icelollycraving · 31/03/2016 18:59

I would think it looked dodgy tbh. I might have taken a photo. I am like a bloody detective though. I also don't understand people being a bit arsey on this. In honesty with the info given I would think you would have a different answer on relationships for example.

Disastronaut · 31/03/2016 18:59

Is it really necessary to be quite so shitty to the OP? Or are you just bored?

Redglitter · 31/03/2016 19:03

I went out once with a (married) colleague. He had tickets for a show his wife couldn't go and he knew it was a favourite of mine. He refused to take money for it so I said I'd treat us to something to eat afterwards. I picked him up at home. Went in said hi to his wife. Gave their poorly wee girl a small pressie then we left.

Had a great evening. Dropped him home went in for a coffee and stayed and chatted with his wife.

She was stopped a few days later by someone with a suitable 'sorry' face on who said they'd seen him out having dinner with some female. She said that we'd been at the theatre too and I'd picked him up and dropped him home all with her knowledge. Her 'friend' was apparently gutted she was all ready to be a shoulder to cry on.

Things aren't always as they seem.

chillycurtains · 31/03/2016 19:03

I really wouldn't interfere actually. It just isn't worth it and your friend is not in a position that she can just walk away from her marriage and have an easy life as a single parent. The husband will be found out eventually so I would let whatever is going to happen happen. I would definitely delete the picture and forget I even took it. Even if you decide to mention that you saw him I would forget the picture. For a start your friend will be asking why you didn't show her straight away.

Zarah123 · 31/03/2016 19:05

YANBU, OP. It does sound dodgy. I think you should mention your lunch to your friend. If she doesn't react to the name of the restaurant, then I would mention that you saw her DH there. I think she has a right to know.

Original poster
PinkBallerina · 31/03/2016 19:09

I took the photo because i had my phone in hand ready to take a pic of the DCs playing in the garden to send to Dh when i spotted him. I know it sounds creepy. DH thinks i should delete the photo before it accidently gets sent to someone or something.

OP posts:
LaceOddity · 31/03/2016 19:10

Don't understand why you're getting a hard time either. It's a crappy predicament to be in.

His hand on the small of her back in a fancy restaurant he can't afford suggests it's not innocent.

No matter what her circumstances, I'm sure your friend would prefer to know. But I'd just mention it in passing that you saw him there, as previous posters have said. Leave the rest to her.

TealLove · 31/03/2016 19:16

It's nothing to do with you.

CubicZirconiaBossyBabe · 31/03/2016 19:17

Don't delete it, but don't mention it either

just say about being sorry for not coming over to say "hi", busy keeping kids civilised etc

if it turns out to be something then the photo might come in useful later
and if it's nothing you haven't mentioned it so you don't seem odd

GabiSolis · 31/03/2016 19:17

You don't really 'know' anything so all you can do is mention to your friend that you saw her DH having lunch. Don't do it in a loaded way and don't mention the woman. Keep the photo for now but no need to tell her you have it.

MrsCampbellBlack · 31/03/2016 19:19

I don't know why you're getting such a hard time either. Sometimes you can just tell when something is off.

I wold do as people suggested and just tell your friend you saw her DH at said restaurant and hope he enjoyed his lunch.

Chocolatteaddict1 · 31/03/2016 19:24

If your friend is honestly a good friend I'd absolutly say something. I love my friends too much to have the thought I could be sitting on them getting cheated on.

I would say when you next meet up " hey friend, seen your Dh - or I'm sure it was him at (romantic place ) .

If it was harmless it will be ok. If it's not your friend knows he is being a dick.

eatsleephockeyrepeat · 31/03/2016 19:53

Ooh OP, I'm not sure it's great advice but I know what I'd be doing; I'd be testing the water with my friend to scope out if there's likely to be an innocent explanation, if she perhaps already has suspicions, and whether or not I think she'd want to be told! But Lord knows I'd only be getting myself deeper into the existing dilemma...

Theimpossiblegirl · 31/03/2016 19:56

People seem to be happy to believe you are mistaken. I feel people are just in a contradictory mood on MN at the moment. If you had said it was probably nothing they'd all be saying you were wrong and should tell her.

You were there and you seem sure. If I was the wife I would want to know.

CubicZirconiaBossyBabe · 31/03/2016 20:03

nobody is saying that it's definitely nothing, just that there are ways of telling the friend without adding the OPs own interpretations.

That's enough, whether it is something or not.

If the friend is suspicious then she will ask the OP for more detail herself, and OP can tell her.

"saw your Oh in X the other day, tell him sorry I was too harassed with the kids to say hi" is fine, for either scenario

LeanneBattersby · 31/03/2016 20:12

I'd just tell her gently and straight to the point.

"I saw your DH at x restaurant on Thursday. He was with a woman. I'm not sure who she was. indidnt speak to them. I wanted to tell you because it didn't feel right to me to not tell you."

I could never keep something like that from a friend. If one of my friends knew my husband was potentially seeing someone else then I'd want to know. It may be nothing. She may say it was an old friend and she knows all about it. If she does, then great.

CubicZirconiaBossyBabe · 31/03/2016 20:13

But what if she "can't" leave him for visas etc etc

she might not want to hear the details.

Telling her she saw him is enough to give the wife the choice about whether to ask for more info or not

QuinionsRainbow · 31/03/2016 20:23

If I say anything I am opening the can of worms

YES! Delete the photo and forget everything about the day except the nice time you had with your DCs.

ohforfoxsake · 31/03/2016 20:29

It would be odd if you didn't say 'oh I saw your DH when we were at Xxxx last week.'. You are possibly over thinking it, but my general rule is if it's bothering me that much I think it's best not to say anything. There's no right answer here.

ClarenceTheLion · 31/03/2016 20:29

Is it really necessary to be quite so shitty to the OP? Or are you just bored?

It seems to be the custom now on any thread where a woman is even slightly critical of a man. I've noticed it on half a dozen different threads today. I wonder if we have more MRAs on the board these days than mothers...

kittybiscuits · 31/03/2016 20:29

You've had some good advice about telling your friend, in amongst the posts by goady fuckers who seem to have had a field day on your thread OP.

Theimpossiblegirl · 31/03/2016 20:34

Clarencethelion
It seems to be the custom on just about every thread at the moment. So many goadyfuckers and negative people about. I know it's the holidays but still, what happened to the sisterhood?

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/03/2016 20:36

About three times a week I eat out with a male friend he often would assist me with my coat or sort of guide me with his hand in my back.
Ive been doing this for 25 years.

We have had lunch in Rome Paris our home own lots of places some nice some run of the mill.

He is my friend I would sooner kiss a random on the street than kiss him and he feels the same way.

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