Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 10 11 12

Original poster

Colleague's younger wife

299 replies

HootOnTheBeach · 31/03/2016 15:58

This is more of a WWYD and maybe some insight into how to cope on a day to day basis.

A colleague of mine is almost 50 and I found out that he dated and subsequently married his 17 year old intern when he was 32. This has seriously coloured my view of him. I know I should just keep my mouth shut and get on with my job. But I have to work with this man and it turns my stomach, every time I look at him all I see is a sleazy, predatory slimeworm. The men at the company see nothing wrong with this set up and in fact snigger in a you-lucky-dog sort of way and joke about keeping him away from the interns.

I try to be as professional and removed as I can be but it's on my mind a lot. He likes to make 'jokes' about forgetting birthdays and anniversaries etc and not getting her a Christmas present - the issue is that these 'jokes' seem to be what actually happens and all I can think is that she doesn't know any other kind of relationship. We are in an open office so I can't help but hear this type of talk regularly.

Please excuse the rambling. I fully appreciate, logically, that this is none of my business but it is affecting my work and I don't know how to deal with it.

OP posts:

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/04/2016 10:12

stop

The op said the age gap makes her feel sick, that does make it rather about the age gap, no?

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 01/04/2016 10:14

I think calling her a child is stretching it - it's not as though she was under the age of consent.

KayTee87 · 01/04/2016 10:14

His 'banter' isn't funny but in this politest possible way, mind your own business. Just put in head phones or even ask them to be quiet if it's disturbing you.

Marynary · 01/04/2016 10:20

I think calling her a child is stretching it - it's not as though she was under the age of consent.

I don't think 17 is an adult either though. 17 year olds are still considered vulnerable in law and open to manipulation. So for example if he had been a teacher, youth worker etc he would have been prosecuted nowadays.

dizzytomato · 01/04/2016 10:21

My husband and don't always buy each other gifts and we're only a year apart.

Mind you our reasons are mutual and he's not the kind of person to go on about it with the lads. That would be annoying.

I'm sure the interns are glad the other guys keep him away, he sounds irritating if 20 years later he's still banging on about and riding the wave of his conquest over an intern.

Firstmum24 · 01/04/2016 10:55

The cheek of you. Who do you think you are to be so entitled to pass judgement on an age gap in any relationship.? I find your op baffling and offensive as I am sure some others will.
The office chat is upsetting you, I agree it can be inappropriate but that can be solved without completely besmirching the reputation of your boss. He fell in love, got married and is happily married twenty years on - ask yourself if it would bother you if the woman was of an age with him.

DiscoGlitter · 01/04/2016 10:56

Tatty "17 year olds were, 20+ years ago, far more mature than today's 17 year olds."

I think this too. I can't work out why it's changed though.

The fact that 20 plus years ago, YOU were presumably one of those 17 year olds?! Which is why you see them as all mature and they were 'different back then', but today's 17 year olds are little kids who don't know what they're doing!

Alisvolatpropiis · 01/04/2016 10:59

Mary

But that is to do with being a specific position of authority, rather than being related to their ages, really.

Eustace2016 · 01/04/2016 11:13

Actually my 17 year olds are very mature but it just depends on the person. I went to university away from home when I was 17.

In general big age gaps are not a good idea although if you want best value go for the younger man as he lasts longer and looks better longer!

OfaFrenchmind2 · 01/04/2016 11:23

You are saying it affects your work. I wonder how much you plan on using this ridiculous issue to excuse a shitty performance? I seriously think you are rehearsing your HR hearing here to explain why you are not doing well in your job, and you found a convenient excuse...

BlueJug · 01/04/2016 11:25

Sorry but you are the one with the dirty mind.How dare you judge other people's marriages.

There is an age gap. So what. Similar gap to that between me and DP. And many of our friends. So he's a paedophile and I am a victim? Is that what you are implying?

What else do you you judge?? Same sex relationship? Sex somewhere other than the bedroom in the dark?? Anything other than your own setup?

It is legal. You have no right to make salacious and nasty insinuating comments.

By all means if you find the conversation in he office not to your liking report to HR but from what you have said it is neither sexual in content nor bullying.

ohh · 01/04/2016 11:29

There's 19 years between me and my man and no I wasn't a child bride. Been together 15 years, 3 children.

Men joke and play up to each other even if its blatant lying. Mind your own business what you see on the outside is never the same as what goes on behind closed doors.

sashadasher · 01/04/2016 11:30

YABU If he was letching on all young staff now then I'd think yuck creep but they got together and been married for nearly 2 decades! Yes he sounds a dipstick bout birthdays etc but that's their issue and up to them to sort.I know loads of big age gap couples and can't say I have an issue as it all depends on the individual

Marynary · 01/04/2016 11:33

But that is to do with being a specific position of authority, rather than being related to their ages, really.

No it is related to the age of the younger person. If a teacher, lecturer, youth worker etc has a relationship with someone over 18 their employer may sack them if they are in a position of authority over that person (depending on employers rules) but they haven't done anything illegal and they won't be prosecuted or go on the sex offender register. If the person is 17 they might be.

BlueJug · 01/04/2016 11:33

Oh and he was my boss! That was part of the fun.

I am nearly 60 BTW - and I still find him sexy.

AliceScarlett · 01/04/2016 11:34

What is it about this situation that resonates so personally with you?

cjt110 · 01/04/2016 11:40

I havent read the whole thread....

HootOnTheBeach I was 17 and my now husband was 32 when we got together. We have been together for 12 years now, are happily married, with a child, house car etc. If we (or your boss and his wife) have no issue with an age gap, frankly it's none of your business.

Original poster

HootOnTheBeach · 01/04/2016 11:53

It affects my work as in it distracts me so it can take me longer to finish things and I stay longer than usual. I am still on probation as this is a new job so I am absolutely keeping me feelings to myself. This is also why I'm not sure about saying something to him or HR, in case I lose my job or am branded as a troublemaker. I was surprised at the attitude and the things said and yes maybe my revulsion to his behaviour is being pinned on the age issue wrongly. I just didn't expect this here, it's a respected company and my last place was smaller but friendly.

The gift thing - it sounds like she is genuinely upset. I don't want to list examples in case wife is on MN. And just this morning there were comments on her pregnancy, they are bordering on being nasty.

I guess I will pursue my headphones for the next few months and maybe start looking for a job again.

OP posts:

Marynary · 01/04/2016 12:02

HootOnTheBeach Are you quite young yourself? Do you find your boss and co-workers quite sleazy in other ways?

Nobodyspecialanymore · 01/04/2016 12:05

Hoot, you sound deranged. There is no age issue. Their marriage is none of your business.
People joke. As long as you aren't being target or bullied, you have to get along with people you work with.

Alidoll · 01/04/2016 12:09

Ok, I could have seen your point IF he was 50 yrs old and she was 17 but seriously!? He was 32 so hardly ancient. Would you still be so judgemental if he was 45 and she was 30? Or 75 and 60 and they'd found love in later life?

So yes, you're being silly. If you have a major issue with this then I suggest YOU look for a new job and leave and let these two people get on with their lives given they've been together for such a LONG time and still obviously at least like each other!

squoosh · 01/04/2016 12:13

I can't imagine being so concerned with a colleague's private life that it would affect me doing my job!

Original poster

HootOnTheBeach · 01/04/2016 12:13

I don't know why you seem to think that I'm ranting and raving at work. I know how to keep my feelings to myself. It's difficult to not be affected by this kind of environment.

I would say they are sleazy in other ways, yes, I hear them talk about women from other companies who come in for meetings, commenting on their looks and referring to them not by name but e.g. 'the blonde one' and once 'you met X, she has a face like a slapped arse'

Mary this is my first full time job and I am in my early twenties.

OP posts:

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 01/04/2016 12:14

It affects my work as in it distracts me so it can take me longer to finish things and I stay longer than usual

I simply don't understand how judging your boss in this way can possibly affect your work in the way you describe.

If you have a genuine problem with the type of conversation being held in your presence then complain to HR. It may be inappropriate and action should be taken. Otherwise, stop being so nasty about people you know nothing about.

'Revulsion'?

Act if you need to, or get on with your work and don't use your unusually sensitive reaction to someone's else's marriage as an excuse for not cracking on with your new job.

KayTee87 · 01/04/2016 12:17

I've read your update op and I still don't think it's any of your business, you don't even know this woman.

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 10 11 12