Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague's younger wife

299 replies

HootOnTheBeach · 31/03/2016 15:58

This is more of a WWYD and maybe some insight into how to cope on a day to day basis.

A colleague of mine is almost 50 and I found out that he dated and subsequently married his 17 year old intern when he was 32. This has seriously coloured my view of him. I know I should just keep my mouth shut and get on with my job. But I have to work with this man and it turns my stomach, every time I look at him all I see is a sleazy, predatory slimeworm. The men at the company see nothing wrong with this set up and in fact snigger in a you-lucky-dog sort of way and joke about keeping him away from the interns.

I try to be as professional and removed as I can be but it's on my mind a lot. He likes to make 'jokes' about forgetting birthdays and anniversaries etc and not getting her a Christmas present - the issue is that these 'jokes' seem to be what actually happens and all I can think is that she doesn't know any other kind of relationship. We are in an open office so I can't help but hear this type of talk regularly.

Please excuse the rambling. I fully appreciate, logically, that this is none of my business but it is affecting my work and I don't know how to deal with it.

OP posts:
WordGetsAround · 31/03/2016 16:25

You are really going to have chill out about this.

WorraLiberty · 31/03/2016 16:29

Dear lord, do you not have enough work to do that you can spend so much time thinking about someone else's marriage?

Wonderous · 31/03/2016 16:29

It isn't about age gaps? So he's a sleazy predatory slimeball because he married his colleague then. You are unreal. So so glad I don't work with you. Get over yourself love, before he puts a complaint in about you and your awful attitude.

Arkhamasylum · 31/03/2016 16:30

He sounds like a bit of an arse, with all of his banter. I doubt it reflects his actual relationship with his wife, though. For all you know, it's a laddish smokescreen and he goes home and worships the ground she walks on. As a pp said, he's been married to her for 18 years, he's not shopping for young girls.

On the other hand though, you shouldn't have to listen to this pathetic 'banter'. Can you say something? Just 'when you talk about your wife like that it makes me feel really uncomfortable', or look him in the eye and say 'that's not funny'. The alternative is HR.

BarbarianMum · 31/03/2016 16:32

I married my boss. And then I left because I didn't want to work for my husband. Happily married 12 years.

Really, being professional sometimes means working with people whose private lives you don't approve of. You don't have to be friends.

Twitterqueen · 31/03/2016 16:33

You are right in saying that it is none of your business.

The fact that this is affecting your work says more about you than it does about him and his wife. Wind your neck in. It really, really, really is nothing to do with you.

You say you haven't come on here to debate age gaps, but your OP clearly says that when you found about the age gap and circumstances of meeting, your opinion changed and you now consider him a sleazy, predatory slimeworm.

The age gap between my father and SM is 14 years - and they met at work. They have had a long, happy and satisfying marriage.

EatShitDerek · 31/03/2016 16:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TealLove · 31/03/2016 16:34

Omg this is so none of your business!

curren · 31/03/2016 16:36

I hate 'ladish' jokes. However either pull him up on it or get over it.

Plenty of people like these sorts of jokes. Or moan about their spouses when they are at work or with friends.

It rarely shows the real relationship.

Yabu about how they met. It's non of your business and casting her in a victim role is plain odd.

Me and dh have a similar gap, meeting when I was 18z he isn't sleazy and am definitely not anyone's victim.

Pufflehuff · 31/03/2016 16:37

If anything I think it's a bit lame he's still getting any mileage out of "I shagged the intern", given that it was 18 years ago. Stop trying to be cool, grandad!

Anyway, yeah. 12 year age gap here and frankly I, the 19 year old, was the predatory one >:) Coming up to 13 years together so I figure if anyone wants to judge, they can wait til they've hit 13 happy years and then have their whinge.

LeaLeander · 31/03/2016 16:38

Not really seeing the issue. Sounds like clumsy humor and if his greatest claim to fame 18 years on is wooing the intern, he's probably not a very interesting person, nor are those who still find it a source of daily laughs. The mindless banter would be annoying regardless of the age of the subjects. If it's affecting your work, you need to talk to HR about providing you with a quieter or soundproof workspace, or get some headphones, or a white noise machine or something to drown them out.

But large age gaps are common and it's not like he's a dastardly rake who seduced her and dumped her at the side of the road, figuratively. If they are still married and happy, what's it to you? One of my former lovers was 15 years my senior; I was late 20s he was early 40s; I still look back fondly on those days and at the time he was so much more interesting than young men my age, it was fun. Not to mention the superior quality of his love-making compared to less-experienced men.

Come to think of it my sister's husband is 16 years older than her. They are middle-aged and were when they got together, so less noticeable, but still. It does work out, OP.

possum18 · 31/03/2016 16:38

DH was my manager at work, he was 34 and I was 21. We have been together years and are expecting twins in a few weeks.

How and why they got together and their relationship is none of your concern, and the fact it's making you feel sick is a little dramatic, as is you thinking about it outside of work like this Hmm

If you don't like the comments he makes about her at work, say something in a polite way. Maybe he doesn't realise how it comes across. I'm sure I bitch about DH at work / to my friends in a jokey sense but it doesn't mean I don't love him with all my heart.

Gobbolino6 · 31/03/2016 16:39

Let it go!

Crabbitface · 31/03/2016 16:44

but it is affecting me and making be feel sick

His marriage is NOT affecting you. I'm surprised that he is still talking about it almost 20 years later Hmm, but if 'personal' chat is upsetting you at work then say something to management or leave. It's really not that complicated. I'm not sure what advice you really need.

catsinthecraddle · 31/03/2016 16:44

for all we know he's a lovely man, made really uncomfortable by people judging him and accusing him of being a sleaze ball because he fell in love with someone younger. He's now middle-age, might be terrified of losing his much younger wife and tries to cover with stupid jokes.

It seems to me that when a couple has been together for 18 years, they've proven the haters wrong. Get a grip, what has the age of his wife got to do with you?

possum18 · 31/03/2016 16:45

Haha 'guiding through life' was in the christening leaflet from church.. My point was that the majority of the godparent 'roles' she should be doing as an aunt anyway if she feels she's such an important part of their lives. Grin

Glad the stance here is that she is BU and a brat.
This is really mean but I think she is just a needy person and likes to be in the spotlight. The christening isn't about her (or me), it's a religious celebration for the twins.

possum18 · 31/03/2016 16:46

Posted that on the wrong thread.. Ignore me & carry on Grin

ChristmasEvePJs · 31/03/2016 16:48

Im afraid there really is no issue. The couple in question have nothing to do with you.

My husband and I have a 14year age gap and he was my former uni lecturer when we married. We fell in love, still together many years and several DC's down the line. I certainly don't stay awake worrying he will fall for a student and I am sure this woman doesn't worry about the interns. Life is far from straight forward.

I will toddle off and name change now!

BIWI · 31/03/2016 16:48

If you can't cope with it, then maybe you should consider leaving?

It seems very odd to me that you have such an issue over a relationship between two people that's lasted for 18 years!

shovetheholly · 31/03/2016 16:49

I'm more bothered by the way he treats his wife than the age gap! He sounds like an arse, and I suspect you're pinning your sense of disgust on his marriage when in fact it is a much more of a response to his personality as a whole. Grin

TrollTheRespawnJeremy · 31/03/2016 16:49

I met my ex when I was 19 and he was 32. Not a great deal of difference.

If that makes you sick you need to focus on yourself. Nosey.

SouthWestmom · 31/03/2016 16:51

Is it really a topic of daily banter, 18 years on? And the senior team sit in the same open plan office as the rest? So you hear all this?
Is there a bit of exaggerat ion going on? Surely the same people aren't all there?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 31/03/2016 16:53

No it's sleazy. My DD2 is 17. If some 32 year old tried to get off with her on her work experience I'd have his balls on a plate.

And to those of you saying, "Well I was 16 but really mature and my partner was 35 but we've been together forever and have a really equal relationship......." Nope, most people still think it's sleazy, you're just too close to the situation for an impartial view.

My Mum's best mate was married as a teen to a guy way older. They were happily married for years apparently. Didn't stop him trying it on with 16 year old me every time I babysat though (and I was too dumb not to think it wasn't normal).

ExConstance · 31/03/2016 16:54

My great uncle and aunt eloped when she was just 17 and he was 34, they had a very happy marriage until he died in his 90's. OP you are being judgemental and unkind.

EdithWeston · 31/03/2016 16:54

It was normal in my workplace that if a relationship struck up between a manager and managee, one of them would move roles. It wasquite important that there be no potential for accusations of favouritism.