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AIBU?

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Original poster

Colleague's younger wife

299 replies

HootOnTheBeach · 31/03/2016 15:58

This is more of a WWYD and maybe some insight into how to cope on a day to day basis.

A colleague of mine is almost 50 and I found out that he dated and subsequently married his 17 year old intern when he was 32. This has seriously coloured my view of him. I know I should just keep my mouth shut and get on with my job. But I have to work with this man and it turns my stomach, every time I look at him all I see is a sleazy, predatory slimeworm. The men at the company see nothing wrong with this set up and in fact snigger in a you-lucky-dog sort of way and joke about keeping him away from the interns.

I try to be as professional and removed as I can be but it's on my mind a lot. He likes to make 'jokes' about forgetting birthdays and anniversaries etc and not getting her a Christmas present - the issue is that these 'jokes' seem to be what actually happens and all I can think is that she doesn't know any other kind of relationship. We are in an open office so I can't help but hear this type of talk regularly.

Please excuse the rambling. I fully appreciate, logically, that this is none of my business but it is affecting my work and I don't know how to deal with it.

OP posts:
user7755 · 31/03/2016 22:08

That's a very specific opinion! Based on....?

FWIW I married a man 13 years my senior, in sickness and in health (and it works both ways), I'm financially independent. We have a fantastic family, a relationship that many peers aspire to (and they do ask for our advice etc). It's not perfect but no relationship is, and its far better than any of the relationships I have had with people of my own age.

We've been together for 17 years and known each other 20, for what it's worth.

Rdoo · 31/03/2016 22:08

In 20 years you become the carer of an OPA and spend 20 years as a nurse if you m arry these older men and it's not pretty.

The only way it really works is girl who is very pretty and sexy but no financial or good job prospects pairs up with much older man because of his wallet. She accepts the fact she will eventually be his hurse and he will die and leave her behind because of the money.

What a ridiculous statement.

ThirtyNineWeeks · 31/03/2016 22:14

There's something dodgy about a 32 yr old man who dates a 17 yr old.

shazzarooney99 · 31/03/2016 22:22

What on earth has it got to do with you????

ilovesooty · 31/03/2016 22:28

If you think the office conversation is inappropriate and unprofessional challenge them on it.

WRT their historic/current situation I can't see that it's anything to do with you.

Nobodyspecialanymore · 31/03/2016 22:33

Op, are you so judgemental and overly involved because you are jealous of their relationship? Are you unhappy at home, or lonely? Perhaps your spitefulness towards your boss and his wife is more to do with your life, than their marriage.

PeppermintPasty · 31/03/2016 22:33

Gordon bleeding Bennett, a load of shit being talked about age gap relationships.

How bloody insulting. My dad was 40 when he met my 21 yo mother. He was the least creepy man in the world. A lovely lovely man. Adored my mum until he died, at the age of 91, with all his marbles and physical faculties intact. No nurse needed.

She misses him daily.

I put this out there because some people don't half talk a load of generalising bollocks.

As you were.

Notonthestairs · 31/03/2016 22:37

If there is inappropriate sexist "banter" do go to HR, you shouldn't have to listen to it.

But they've been married a long time and you need to put her age (when they met) out of your mind. It's not relevant - unless he's chasing young women now.

I had a few inappropriate relationships when I was a teenager with much older men - the relationships lacked balance because of our ages, status and money.

It's actually nice to read where those relationships with age gaps worked for posters here. I might not freak out so much if/when one of my kids is in a similar position (not promising!)

Notonthestairs · 31/03/2016 22:40

Also we all mature at different rates. I was an immature 17. At the same age my friend had nursed a dying parents - she knew her own mind and had her priorities right.

gamerchick · 31/03/2016 22:46

The age gap doesn't bother me, I first dated my husband at 17 and he was 12 years older. He treats me like gold.

However the person you're talking about OP just sounds like a prick. A prick is a prick no matter how he marries.

Nobodyspecialanymore · 31/03/2016 23:23

Having to care for a husband can happen at any stage of a relationship. It's meant to be in sickness and in health.

Rebecca2014 · 01/04/2016 04:53

Love how the pc brigade is all over this...I wonder how THEY would feel if their 17 year old daughter was dating an grown man in his 30s.

I don't get what a man that age has in common with a barely legal teenager and no it's not as common as everyone thinks.

Nobodyspecialanymore · 01/04/2016 04:59

That's as may be, Rebecca, but who people fall in love with, over the age of consent, has nothing to do with judgemental people like you.
At 17 my daughter is free to call in love with who she wishes.
My husband and I have a lot in common. I think it's a lot of sourness from women who feel jealous or threatened in some way of younger women.

Atenco · 01/04/2016 05:40

My best friend's daughter married her professor who was old enough to be her grandfather. Her call, as far as her mother is concerned. They have now split up but they had a good ten years together. What is the problem. Lots of people are attracted to people much older than themselves and some are.

AKissACuddleAndACheekyFinger · 01/04/2016 06:55

Rebecca as I wrote previously, twenty years and five children after meeting my 32 year old husband at 17 I can tell you with complete honesty that if my 17 year old daughter (also a Rebecca, cooncidentally) now had a 32 year old boyfriend who treated her well, respected her and made her happy, I would be a whole lot more comfortable with that than a couple of the grunting, apparently wordless 17 year olds she's brought home!

ilovesooty · 01/04/2016 07:51

the PC brigade

Give me strength.

Butteredparsnips · 01/04/2016 08:07

To be honest if this is the most interesting thing that has happened in your workplace in 18 years, you really should look for another job.

AuntieStella · 01/04/2016 09:10

"Love how the pc brigade is all over this...I wonder how THEY would feel if their 17 year old daughter was dating an grown man in his 30s."

I do have teens about that age. And I think a lot would depend on what the person was like, how they seemed to treat other people, and whether my DC seemed a happier person for knowing them.

And whether you think your DC's choices are good or bad, unless they are plain dangerous you have to sit on your hands and let them find their own way. They can have a disaster with a close age-gap partner just as much as a big-gap one.

And the thing that would reassure me would be the length of the relationship with things appearing to go well. 18 years ought to be enough!

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 01/04/2016 09:14

You really need to mind your own business OP. His marriage is nothing to do with you and, if the thought of it makes you feel sick, I hope none of your friends meet an older man! If you're not happy about the banter say something but I wouldn't mention your feelings about the age gap unless you want to become a laughing stock.

I was 19 when I met my then 40 year old DH. Nothing happened for a couple of years and we then got together and have been happy ever since - together as a couple for 18 years, married for 4. There is nothing silly about age gap relationships - like all relationships some work and some don't.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 01/04/2016 09:15

I don't really care about the age gap

I do sympathise with the fact that OP works I am environment where sexist banter he's unchecked - joking about shagging or keeping him away from the 'interns' implicitly means people see shagging teenaged girls is ok - that's yuk

This thread has baffled me - it's not the age gap it's his boorish behaviour and the sexist banter that's the issue

Clearly May to December loves are a touchy lot !!!!

lorelei9here · 01/04/2016 09:44

Stop, the OP titled het OP as about the younger wife and her post is mostly revulsion at that. The banter is horrible but the OP herself doesn't present it as the main problem.

FiveSixPickUpSticks · 01/04/2016 09:46

Clearly May to December loves are a touchy lot

Clearly people who are feeling 'sick' by others relationships are over sensitive....

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 01/04/2016 09:46

It was the OP who was going on about the age gap! Had she said she worked in an office where there was sexist 'banter' about a colleague's wife then she would have had a different response.

The OP is focusing on the wrong thing here - she needs to complain about the banter and wind her neck in about the 18 year relationship as that is none of her business.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 01/04/2016 10:05

hey I am with an older man (he wont appreciate me saying that)- we all interpret things differently

Marynary · 01/04/2016 10:08

I would think he was possibly quite sleazy not because of the age gap but because she was still a child and he was over 30. I don't think the fact that they have been together 18 years automatically makes it alright either.