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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Colleague's younger wife

299 replies

HootOnTheBeach · 31/03/2016 15:58

This is more of a WWYD and maybe some insight into how to cope on a day to day basis.

A colleague of mine is almost 50 and I found out that he dated and subsequently married his 17 year old intern when he was 32. This has seriously coloured my view of him. I know I should just keep my mouth shut and get on with my job. But I have to work with this man and it turns my stomach, every time I look at him all I see is a sleazy, predatory slimeworm. The men at the company see nothing wrong with this set up and in fact snigger in a you-lucky-dog sort of way and joke about keeping him away from the interns.

I try to be as professional and removed as I can be but it's on my mind a lot. He likes to make 'jokes' about forgetting birthdays and anniversaries etc and not getting her a Christmas present - the issue is that these 'jokes' seem to be what actually happens and all I can think is that she doesn't know any other kind of relationship. We are in an open office so I can't help but hear this type of talk regularly.

Please excuse the rambling. I fully appreciate, logically, that this is none of my business but it is affecting my work and I don't know how to deal with it.

OP posts:

ReaWithson · 31/03/2016 20:12

Because the OP said her stomach was turning about the age gap BEFORE she got onto sexist banter. If she doesn't like sexist banter she should say something - that's what I did when I was a 18 year old intern, let alone a woman in her 30s.

EatShitDerek · 31/03/2016 20:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TattyCat · 31/03/2016 20:16

Are you seriously suggesting that someone should be called sexist for laughing that he doesn't get his wife a b'day present, or forgets it? Really?

It's not sexist - it's what happens in lots of relationships!! What's it got to do with anyone else anyway, if he chooses to ignore her birthday? It doesn't make him sexist for heaven's sake!! He may well be a not-very-nice person, but it doesn't mean he deserves labelling a sexist!

And the sniggering about his wife's age and keeping him away from interns - it sounds more childish than sexist, tbh.

scarlets · 31/03/2016 20:17

The idea of teenagers and thirtysomethings together is a bit creepy but it was a long time ago and it wasn't illegal, so it's unfair to judge.

That said, if a 32 y old woman came on to my 17 y old son I don't think I'd be philosophical about it. Hypocrite, me?

The banter sounds grim.

TattyCat · 31/03/2016 20:20

Honestly, if someone joking about forgetting his wife's birthday or their anniversary is a crime then we're all in bloody trouble.

ClarenceTheLion · 31/03/2016 20:22

I bet that couple have fits of laughter looking back at people's disapproval

I'd actually like to think so, but the wives of men who brag about treating them badly tend to look like they're too emotionally beat down to be capable of fits of laughter.

HazyMazy · 31/03/2016 20:23

I don't think I would comment unless I knew the DW was a miserable brow beaten individual desperately trying to please her idiot of a man.

She is probably v successful in life and having raging sex with her 18 year old gardener.

ClarenceTheLion · 31/03/2016 20:25

And if the jokes about keeping him away from interns have endured for the best part of two decades, he's the one keeping them going.

The fact is, the OP works with this man. If she thinks he's a slimeball he probably is. I don't know why some of you are determined to argue that he's amazing?

TattyCat · 31/03/2016 20:28

I don't think anyone has said that he's amazing. Only that OP should really just mind her own business when it comes to judging from a distance. There's nothing wrong with judging someone to be a slimeball - nothing at all, but when there's a risk of involving HR for some spurious moral reason (the marriage that occurred c.20 yrs ago) then it's not on.

By all means complain about direct sexual innuendo where it provokes discomfort, but you cannot complain about someone joking about the lack of buying birthday presents for a spouse! Well, you can, but you might look a bit like a troublemaker.

Bluebird79 · 31/03/2016 20:37

My husband was 29 and I was 20 when we met. 20 years later we are still very happy and I still love him completely. I never understand this snooty attitude to falling in love with an older/younger person. I know a few couples that met in their late 30's with tons of baggage and an air of desperation! Leave this man alone.

user7755 · 31/03/2016 20:48

I don't know why some of you are determined to argue that he's amazing?

Who has argued that?

Pufflehuff · 31/03/2016 21:08

No one's saying he's amazing. The fact he's still banging on about how he and his wife met is pretty indicative he's got nothing of interest to say - it's akin to boasting about a prize won in primary school. He's trying to fit in with the younger blokes, thinking his I-slept-with-the-intern story is still relevant.

DontcarehowIwantitnow · 31/03/2016 21:17

I don't know why some of you are determined to argue that he's amazing?

Errrrr no one has said he is amazing

Jeez.

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 31/03/2016 21:30

I don't know why some of you are determined to argue that he's amazing

Gee, how many? Oh. None.

Eustace2016 · 31/03/2016 21:33

We didn't go in for presents, not because one or both of us were sexist but because we aren't materialistic. It is the wives or husbands who want expensive presents from their spouses who are the morally dubious people we should be criticising not people who don't waste money on pointless presents. Large age gaps are usually very silly in practice but as most of us look better younger you can understand why men and women tend to find younger people attractive.

user7755 · 31/03/2016 21:40

Eustace - what?

wallywobbles · 31/03/2016 21:44

No one will be laughing in another 20 years.

ZanyMobster · 31/03/2016 21:44

There is a similar age gaps between me and my DH but I was 25 when we met. He thinks it would have been sleazy if I had been 17, we have discussed this recently. He cannot understand what someone in their 30s could see in someone of that age however at 17 I was seeing men in their 40s, now I can see that it's pretty grim but I agree with a pp, 17 year olds seem very immature now in comparison to 20 years ago.

However, after all these years it really is irrelevant, they have been together a long time and it really doesn't affect you. If the banter bothers you then you need to keep trying to deal with that but the rest is really none of your business.

Crabbitface · 31/03/2016 21:46

Why Wally?

Eustace2016 · 31/03/2016 21:53

In 20 years you become the carer of an OPA and spend 20 years as a nurse if you m arry these older men and it's not pretty.

The only way it really works is girl who is very pretty and sexy but no financial or good job prospects pairs up with much older man because of his wallet. She accepts the fact she will eventually be his hurse and he will die and leave her behind because of the money.

Crabbitface · 31/03/2016 21:58

Righty oh Eustace!

Itinerary · 31/03/2016 22:03

this is none of my business but it is affecting my work and I don't know how to deal with it.

Why do you think it is affecting you? I think you need to look for what your own issues are that are making you feel this way.

TattyCat · 31/03/2016 22:05

Eustace2016 Oh dear. What a very sad view of the world.

I don't think I could wait 50 or 60 years if I was in it for the money though!

catsinthecraddle · 31/03/2016 22:05

In 20 years you become the carer of an OPA and spend 20 years as a nurse if you m arry these older men and it's not pretty.

good grief, not every elderly person is an invalid and needs a nurse. Not every young person stays fit and healthy, we can all have life-changing accident or illness at any age (sadly).

nokidshere · 31/03/2016 22:07

I was 21 and dh 30 when we met at work. He was my boss so I Had to leave.. God forbid a man should have changed his job back then!

We are still happily married 34 years on

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