Colleague's younger wife

[HootOnTheBeach]

This is more of a WWYD and maybe some insight into how to cope on a day to day basis.

A colleague of mine is almost 50 and I found out that he dated and subsequently married his 17 year old intern when he was 32. This has seriously coloured my view of him. I know I should just keep my mouth shut and get on with my job. But I have to work with this man and it turns my stomach, every time I look at him all I see is a sleazy, predatory slimeworm. The men at the company see nothing wrong with this set up and in fact snigger in a you-lucky-dog sort of way and joke about keeping him away from the interns.

I try to be as professional and removed as I can be but it's on my mind a lot. He likes to make 'jokes' about forgetting birthdays and anniversaries etc and not getting her a Christmas present - the issue is that these 'jokes' seem to be what actually happens and all I can think is that she doesn't know any other kind of relationship. We are in an open office so I can't help but hear this type of talk regularly.

Please excuse the rambling. I fully appreciate, logically, that this is none of my business but it is affecting my work and I don't know how to deal with it.

[Nobodyspecialanymore]

"A colleague of mine is almost 50 and I found out that he dated and subsequently married his 17 year old intern when he was 32. This has seriously coloured my view of him"

No...her main problem was the age gap in her boss's marriage, which she herself admits colored her view of him!

[Pilgit]

It's not the age gap that's the issue though is it - it's the banter. It can work. This will out me if I know anyone on here - my DH introduced one of my guides to his brother when she went to uni in the town he lived in. She was feeling unsettled and he is very lovely so DH introduced them to play computer games with (a mutual interest). They just clicked and she's now my sister in law. There are 14 years between them. I know her parents were sceptical - until they met him. Age is just a number. It's the s exist jokes that are the real issue?

[Nobodyspecialanymore]

17 is an adult, past the age of consent, and it's really not this chick's business who her boss is married to, or how they met.

[SugarplumMary]

I would say they are sleazy in other ways, yes, I hear them talk about women from other companies who come in for meetings, commenting on their looks and referring to them not by name but e.g. 'the blonde one' and once 'you met X, she has a face like a slapped arse'

Mary this is my first full time job and I am in my early twenties.

My first job was in a male dominate industry and the project I was assigned to was supporting/in an extremely male environment. I felt like a piece of meat first day I started all the passing comments I could just hear walking past .

There were nice people there but office banter was a fucking pain and I started looking 12 months in for another job - got one better paid and with a much more professional working environment.


If my 17 year old son came home with a 32 year old girlfriend i'd be horrified.

I think most parents with 17 would be concerned with age gap like that - but you can't lock um away or dictate who they sleep with - being there and gently expressing concern and keeping eye on red flags is all I can think we could do - as wouldn't want to alienate them leaving them very vulnerable.

My parents did a don't darken our door unless you behave like we want you to my older sibling only to be devastated when they moved out immediately and they lost all control and influence.

However 18 year later - the 17 is then 35 and really isn't no-one business.

I've been with DH 18 years nearly same age as each other- married less than that with mortgage and three kids and it's only last two or three years MIL has started to accept I'm permanently around we'd been together 10 before marriage and my parents were dismissive - haven't appreciate either stance from them let alone other people's view on my relationship.

[MinecraftyMum]

There's lots of understanding about the age gap on this thread but the gap itself isn't the issue as such, more the fact that she was 17 when it started.

If my 17 year old son came home with a 32 year old girlfriend i'd be horrified.

I'm 30 this year...I can't imagine being seriously attracted to a 17 year old, any 17 year old. They're just babies compared to me at my age, no experience, no career, probably living at home or only just out of it. Just...why? I don't understand at all why any 30 something adult in their right mind would want a relationship with someone only just past childhood. Ick.

[oliviaclottedcream]

Calaisienne Here, here

[oliviaclottedcream]

Sounds like Hell, report him to HR! I'd be job hunting That's it -- let it all out......

So he has a wife who's younger than him? It seems you've managed to convince yourself that this is somehow been at your expense?

So apart from prompting some rather cynical imaginings on your part, has he actually done anything to upset you OP?

My friends daughter, 28, last year married a man in his 40's. So we'll need to be on our toes eh?

Keep your nose out of his life, and stop looking for trouble!

[Oliversmumsarmy]

I know one couple who have been together 10 year and have 3 children where he is 72 and she is 40. She admits that she has always gone out with men substantially older than herself. He is by no means the oldest she has dated.

I also know a couple with a 22 year age gap where she is the older woman and he was the teen.

Know loads who have an age gap of over 12 years.

[Calaisienne]

It affects my work as in it distracts me so it can take me longer to finish things and I stay longer than usual. I am still on probation as this is a new job so I am absolutely keeping me feelings to myself.

1. You need to focus on your work, you are distracted by gossip and you are distracted by MN at work. You will jeopardise your chances of keeping this job/getting a good reference if you display poor time management.
   
2. Most offices have constant banter and gossip you need to learn to phase it out.
   
3. A marriage of 20 years standing, no matter the age gap or how it started is none of your business.
   
4. Sexist comments and attitudes in the workplace are unacceptable and should be challenged either directly or via HR. I understand that in your first job you are in a very different position to me (aged 50, 30 odd years in work most of them managing staff), but you need to decide on your course of action - crudely shit or get off the pot. Complain, leave or ignore it. Yes the comments in the workplace are wrong, but the solution to your problem is not to complain to a bunch of randoms on the internet (especially in work's time when you are already struggling to do your work in the allotted time-frame.

[Bambambini]

Kaytee

No this instance years later is different and I would just let it go. I'm just surprised that people don't see a problem with older men and teenage girls and are perfectly fine with it. I would judge someone I knew - be it a friend, work colleague, family member who was in their 30's and older who wanted to be with a teenager. I would judge that man and wonder how he thought.

[Spangletangle]

My grandparents were 17 and 35. They were very happily married for fifty years. Although there was an element of paternalism. He treated her like a princess but it suited her. Is not what I would want but who am I to say?

[KayTee87]

Also I don't think a 17 year old going out with a 30 year old is a good idea but they've now been together 20 years - she's no longer 17 so I don't think people can really judge.

[KayTee87]

Bambambini I wasn't saying many people would want their 16 year olds joining the army etc. Just illustrating that it's not fair to say ALL 17 year olds are just children when in fact they're clearly seen as adults in certain cases.

[ZenNudist]

< Hands OP a grip >

[Marynary]

I'm not sure that it is necessarily any better just because they are still together as after all you don't know what their relationship is like. I know someone who met their wife when she was 14 and he was over 30. Although they are still together many years later I still think he was and probably still is a slime ball.

[Franny1977]

Doesn't the fact that their marriage has lasted 20 years imply he wasn't being a slime ball when he met his future wife but that they fell in love?

I worked with a colleague who had fallen in love with then subsequently married a former student of hers (she didn't date him until he'd left school and went to uni). They'd been married 15 years when I met her. Although I found the idea distasteful (probably some deep seated prejudice on my part) I figured any judgment of mine was unfounded given they'd stayed together. They were obviously in love and committed.

Sounds like your colleague is in a similar situation.

Incidentally my DH is 17 years older than me. We have a wonderful marriage but then again I was 30 not 17 when I met him so I'm not comparing myself to your story

[Alisvolatpropiis]

Broadly speaking it probably isn't going to work out in the long term Bambini, but this particular couple have been together almost 20 years. How tedious that right on sorts like op see fit to judge them.

Though I've done a lot of growing up between my early and late 20's so there's probably hope for her yet.

[Bambambini]

"In Scotland you can get married at 16 without consent and people finish school at 16/17 depending when your birthday is.
I moved out at 17, worked full time whilst studying and paying bills. I don't think all 17 year olds can be painted as children.
People can join the army at 16 I'm sure."

And i don't know many people who want this for their 16 yr old.

I'm surprised so many have no problem with grown men of 30+ going out with 17 yr olds - it does make me think something is off with the man. I don't care what women here say about how mature they were (i think that shows some immaturity anyway - to think they are so grown up at that age and not to question why a much older man goes for someone so young).

I know a guy in his 30's who went out with a teenager from work (always goes for younger women) - no one who knew them thought it was a good idea.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

I think you need to leave this job op.

You sound ^extremely* precious.

[MistressChalk]

"In general big age gaps are not a good idea although if you want best value go for the younger man as he lasts longer and looks better longer"

This is a humdinger. Replace 'man' with 'woman' and it almost sounds like exactly the sort of 'laddish banter' that the OP has an issue with.

[user7755]

name one?

The implication that a man who marries a younger woman is a sleaze ball or paedophile.

The assumption that the younger woman is glamorous, brainless and only after money.

The assumption that the man is only after a nursemaid.

The accusation that the best outcome is that the rich man dies, leaving the younger woman rich and free.

The assumption that younger = better / more attractive.

Do you need more?

[Edith1]

I can understand why it is upsetting you. You spend alot of time at work and when you are faced day to day with having to deal with inappropriate comments, it can affect you emotionally, especially when men are being derogratory about women. Your boss sounds like a sleaze bag and shows little respect for his partner/wife by these comments. What to do and how to cope is difficult especially in an open plan office and if HR are in on the jokes as well!! Is it possible to look for other work? Can you spend regular time out of the office? Can you ask to work from home 1 day a week or more? Is there anyone else in the office you can confide in and talk too about the situation who feels the same as you? If so you could provide emotional support for each other. Good Luck!