Colleague's younger wife

[HootOnTheBeach]

This is more of a WWYD and maybe some insight into how to cope on a day to day basis.

A colleague of mine is almost 50 and I found out that he dated and subsequently married his 17 year old intern when he was 32. This has seriously coloured my view of him. I know I should just keep my mouth shut and get on with my job. But I have to work with this man and it turns my stomach, every time I look at him all I see is a sleazy, predatory slimeworm. The men at the company see nothing wrong with this set up and in fact snigger in a you-lucky-dog sort of way and joke about keeping him away from the interns.

I try to be as professional and removed as I can be but it's on my mind a lot. He likes to make 'jokes' about forgetting birthdays and anniversaries etc and not getting her a Christmas present - the issue is that these 'jokes' seem to be what actually happens and all I can think is that she doesn't know any other kind of relationship. We are in an open office so I can't help but hear this type of talk regularly.

Please excuse the rambling. I fully appreciate, logically, that this is none of my business but it is affecting my work and I don't know how to deal with it.

I would say they are sleazy in other ways, yes, I hear them talk about women from other companies who come in for meetings, commenting on their looks and referring to them not by name but e.g. 'the blonde one' and once 'you met X, she has a face like a slapped arse

Right. Tell HR. that's not on.

Your OP was all about your boss's marriage and your horrible comments such as all I see is a sleazy, predatory slime worm and your 'revulsion' at him and his 'set up.'

You may well have a genuinely inappropriate work environment that you should take up with HR.

But that's not really what your OP was about.

I get this actually, having been the younger 'trophy' wife in a fairly vulnerable position when we met.

But their marriage is not your issue and I think head phones and looking for a new job is the best way forward. Any way you can change department in your current company?

hoot

this thread has turned out weird, and I am baffled by the responses.

FWIW its sounds yuk, sexist and a working environment where this is accepted as the norm is not right, its really isn't. Women should be able to go go to work, and not wince at comments made about women. "sexy interns" or "slapped face mingers" its sexist and demeaning.

and we are all human, and your are clearly sensitive to it and that's not nice.

I think you need to short term develop some coping mechanisms (listen to music) and use this as a learning experience TBH. get your experience., and move on IN TIME.

had you started a thread saying "AIBU to find these comments in my workplace really upsetting" you would have got a different opinion I think

If your issue is about male colleagues being sexist then address that issue NOT someone's marriage that is not your business.

had you started a thread saying "AIBU to find these comments in my workplace really upsetting" you would have got a different opinion I think

Absolutely, but to be fair to everyone who posted, that would have been a completely different thread.

I think yesterday was quite a bad day and I reacted to the immediate thing, I.e. Boss and young wife and the circumstances under which they met which I could hear being discussed at that exact time, which was turning my stomach, and I wasn't thinking of it in terms of the bigger picture and other people's behaviour. Maybe if I hadn't been on MN at work I could have posted a more detailed and rounded OP about everything that was bothering me, not just that specific thing.

Haven't you got anything else to worry about.??

I would not be overjoyed if my 17YO DD married a 32 year old man , however they are still together 18 years later so they clearly have something a bit more than a teen fantasy lust going for them.

It is isn't /wasn't illegal it really is none of your business.

How they met predates you and is none of your business.

I would say they are sleazy in other ways, yes, I hear them talk about women from other companies who come in for meetings, commenting on their looks and referring to them not by name but e.g. 'the blonde one' and once 'you met X, she has a face like a slapped arse'

Vile.

OP
Yes I would be bothered if clients were described that way but is it women only described that way?

Ive heard many people of both sexes disparage partners at work, it is annoying but not HR worthy.

Generally I think it sounds like you need to work in a better culture. So would I. But you do need to drop concerns about the age gap.

The aspect you chose to focus on was the age difference between your boss and his wife. You could have just as easily have written that office banter was getting you down.
If someone else's marriage "turns your stomach", you are going to find any working environment difficult. Worry about yourself, go to hr about banter which is upsetting or just look for a new job. You are the problem.

Get over yourself OP.

Aah, OK.

You would have had an entirely different response if your post had been about the behaviour of your male colleagues rather than your revulsion at someone's relationship (which was unbelievably judgemental and crude - in fact your (s and other's) assumptions about that make describing someone as having a face like a slapped arse seem puritanical in comparison).

The things you describe are out of order but not terrible in the grand scheme of things, I can see that you are quite young and perhaps not very confident but usually a well timed 'I hear she speaks highly of you too', 'I bet your Mrs would love to hear you talk about her like that', 'I bet you aren't brave enough to say that to her face' etc does wonders when working in environments where this sort of banter goes on. It challenges people without escalating the situation and keeps you firmly in the driving seat (and its a transferable skill!)

Also - MN at work? If you have time to do this and worry about the banter you need more to do!

What on earth has this to do with you ? And the joking about forgetting prezzies etc is nothing to do with you either.
Keep your dislike to yourself - it's his / her life , butt out !!

Op I think you're getting a rough ride. You're in your early 20's so not a great deal of life experience when comparing with lots of the posters. I am around double your age. Most 17 yr olds then were working or at college once a week and worked 4 days, so often treated as adults. I worked in a male dominated environment in my mid 20's and there was sooo much banter from the salesmen. I agree, keeping your head down and looking for another job in time seems the best plan. This lady is a lot older than you and she shouldn't be your concern. Please look after you and your career prospects. I worked in a town centre pub (bit of a working mans hang out at the time) as a student one year when I was 19 and one of the locals (alcoholic, 50's) told me if he stuck chewing gum on the end of his knob, I'd find it in my throat. I took the piss back - it was only a summer job, it wasn't terribly pleasant but better than getting another student loan. He must have known I would never be interested and I just didn't let it get to me. That's what I would do to these men. If you get upset or tell them how inappropriate they're being, they've won their silly little game.

Wow. How many hypocrites are on this thread?!

Firstly, OP I cannot see what your boss did years ago has anything to do with you, especially since they are still married.

However.. The amount of posters saying 'nothing wrong with it' 'only 15 years between them' and so many other comments like it.

How many of the same posters were crucifying Adam Johnson just a couple of weeks ago?! Absolutely unbelievable hypocrisy

Er, wasn't Adam Johnson criticised (and jailed) for breaking the law?

How many of the same posters were crucifying Adam Johnson just a couple of weeks ago?! Absolutely unbelievable hypocrisy

15 is under age of consent 17 isn't. There is a difference! It is called the law.

it affects my work as in it distracts me so it can take me longer to finish things and I stay longer than usual. I am still on probation as this is a new job

blimey, so you are blaming your poor performance in a new job on the men in the office?? It sounds like a dreadful working environment, and I think we'll all agree that the banter is unacceptable and something that could be mentioned to HR, but to call this man who has been with his wife for 18 years a "sleazy predatory slimeworm" really takes the biscuit!

I'm not for one moment condoning the way he and your colleagues talk about his wife and women in general, but please wind your neck in and stop being judgey about the way they met, 18 YEARS AGO!!! If it makes you feel sick thinking about it, you need to get away for your own and everyone else's benefit.

If she had been 15 when they met, different story, but she was 17 and nothing illegal happened. If they had both been a similar age nobody would be batting an eyelid and would be happy for them to have been together 18 years. People age differently; he could have been a very immature 32 year old and she very mature. My SIL married very young, a man whom she met at around 15 and was I think 25 years her senior; they were married for thirty-odd years then she left him for an OLDER man, who nursed her through breast cancer in her mid-forties and worshipped the ground she walked on, and vice-versa.

By all means speak to HR about the general office tone if it's really constant and uncomfortable, but please please please keep your nose out of other people's relationships unless you have strong evidence of actual abuse, rather than just mouthy husbands behaving like twats.

2 years!
Someone said '15 years is nothing'! Complete hypocrisy.

One broke the law, the other didn't. So no, it isn't 'complete hypocrisy'.

It's sounds as if the men in your company are quite sleazy. The fact that they think it is so great that your boss started his relationship with his wife when she was only 17 emphasises that. I think that most men would disapprove rather than think it was great. I don't blame you for wanting to move on. I wouldn't want to work in that kind of environment either.

Neither is right in my opinion but the strength of most opinions on here is basically incredulous that the OP should have a problem with the age gap, and quite aggressively so.
Mind boggles.

2 years!
Someone said '15 years is nothing'! Complete hypocrisy.

No it isn't as posters keep saying and you are ignoring one is against the law one isn't!

It isn't hypocrisy no matter how many times you say it is.

Speak to hr if you have a problem with workplace sexism. That is

However, keep your beak out of other people's relationships. I met dh who was 30 when I was 18. Been together 7 years, married, mortgage, baby on the way. I'm most definitely not a trophy wife and my husband is not a sexist sleeze.