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Original poster

Colleague's younger wife

299 replies

HootOnTheBeach · 31/03/2016 15:58

This is more of a WWYD and maybe some insight into how to cope on a day to day basis.

A colleague of mine is almost 50 and I found out that he dated and subsequently married his 17 year old intern when he was 32. This has seriously coloured my view of him. I know I should just keep my mouth shut and get on with my job. But I have to work with this man and it turns my stomach, every time I look at him all I see is a sleazy, predatory slimeworm. The men at the company see nothing wrong with this set up and in fact snigger in a you-lucky-dog sort of way and joke about keeping him away from the interns.

I try to be as professional and removed as I can be but it's on my mind a lot. He likes to make 'jokes' about forgetting birthdays and anniversaries etc and not getting her a Christmas present - the issue is that these 'jokes' seem to be what actually happens and all I can think is that she doesn't know any other kind of relationship. We are in an open office so I can't help but hear this type of talk regularly.

Please excuse the rambling. I fully appreciate, logically, that this is none of my business but it is affecting my work and I don't know how to deal with it.

OP posts:
squoosh · 01/04/2016 13:36

Well my mind 'boggles' at anyone who'd have a problem with an age gap couple who've been together for 18 years. And who'd got together when both were over the age of consent.

He may well be a twat in the workplace but his marriage has nothing to do with that.

Marynary · 01/04/2016 13:38

He didn't break the law but I think it is still quite questionable for someone in their 30s to have a relationship with someone who is not yet an adults. He may not, strictly speaking, been in a "position of trust" but considering he was the boss and she was an intern, I still think it was quite dodgy and sleazy of him.

Cagliostro · 01/04/2016 13:40

Meh. They have been together a long time and I really don't think the age gap matters now!

DH and I have a large gap. I can totally understand why some people judged it when we were first together (my parents didn't though, they got to know him and just took him at face value rather than seeing his age as the defining characteristic). It would look dodgy to people who didn't know us (both on the autistic spectrum, both went through some major shit as kids that undoubtedly affected our personalities) and that's fine.

But if anyone who met us now judged our relationship for how it started long ago, I would think them a bit of a numpty really, considering we are sickeningly happy :o with a strong marriage that has survived a lot of testing times (including me, the much younger one, becoming disabled) and awesome children.

DH started a new job recently and has had the odd 'lucky dog' comment but he just rolls his eyes at that sort of thing.

The sleaziness is a totally separate issue. I would hate working around such comments too. I would also judge the hahaha I didn't get her a present comments but it's NOYB

TattyCat · 01/04/2016 13:41

Op if you can't find a way to get over this revulsion you have, you're going to find your working life very, very difficult. You will always come across people who are sleazy, offensive, slimy, rude, objectionable etc etc but you need to find a way to deal with that because sometimes they haven't actually done anything inherently 'wrong'.

Yes, if they are being sexist and insulting to colleagues or visitors etc then by all means take it up with HR but if they are derogatory about their own relationship then I don't think it's your business to do anything but shut your ears to it and accept that that person may not be very nice and avoid them where you can.

And get off MN at work for heaven's sake. They are paying you to do a job, not whinge about the state of their marriages!!! You are still in your probationary period so to raise massive issues at this point may impact you, not him - particularly if you're spending much of your day on the Internet!!

Janecc · 01/04/2016 13:44

I know someone in her mid/late 30's and her dp is I believe 26 years her senior. She is highly intelligent and she deffo isn't a pushover. He is highly respected in his field as is she. Her choice, her life. I went out with a man around 15 years older than me for a while when I was 19. I was too young and I broke it off. At the time, I loved being driven around and taken to swanky restaurants. He was a gentleman as well.

catewood21 · 01/04/2016 13:46

If he were a predatory sleazeball she would have wised up by now and/or he would have moved on to a younger woman.I think , after 18 years, they have more than shown the likelihood was they were and are, still in love.

EveryoneElsie · 01/04/2016 13:51

IDK why people are focused on the age difference and ignoring the office talk.

' He likes to make 'jokes' about forgetting birthdays and anniversaries etc and not getting her a Christmas present - the issue is that these 'jokes' seem to be what actually happens and all I can think is that she doesn't know any other kind of relationship. We are in an open office so I can't help but hear this type of talk regularly. '

I wouldnt want to sit and listen to that all day, its very wearing.

DontcarehowIwantitnow · 01/04/2016 13:55

IDK why people are focused on the age difference and ignoring the office talk.

They haven't been and the reason it has been focused on is because that is what the OP was actually focusing on.

BlueJug · 01/04/2016 13:57

The Adam Johnson situation is totally different.
One is legal, one isn't. There is also a difference of possibly 3-4 years,

If you are not happy with 17 then campaign for an age of consent of 21. Or 25 - whatever YOU think is "decent".

If you start a pressure group and a petition you might even get age gaps bigger than 5 years made illegal. (Or even 2 years if couple are young)

"Aggressive" responses are in fact simply angry responses to the assertion that people's marriages of many years are somehow dirty, unnatural, sleazy and that are essentially a union between a paedophile and a victim who has "issues" of self-esteem and family.

Remember women of 17 can and do work, drive, live alone, have babies, get married. They are nurses, chefs, office workers and in the army. Do not patronise them.

treacletoffee23 · 01/04/2016 14:10

Oh dear. If you have a problem with the conversation around you, speak up. I met my husband when l was 14 and he 24 and in a band. Been together 42 years. I wasn't a groupie and he wasn't a pedophile. Don't judge

voluptuagoodshag · 01/04/2016 14:11

The marriage part has nothing to do with you - absolutely nothing. The sleazy comments???? Join in with a comment of "Jeez I'd hate to think my husband spoke about me like that in the office" Might make them think twice about joining in with the lad mentality. If it continues to bother you or more sleazy comments follow take it up with HR then but at least say something to show your displeasure rather than let HR do all the work for you.

Marynary · 01/04/2016 14:22

Remember women of 17 can and do work, drive, live alone, have babies, get married. They are nurses, chefs, office workers and in the army. Do not patronise them.

In England, they rarely live alone and if they do have a job it is usually an apprenticeship or part time while at college. They can't get married without parents consent. Whilst they can have babies, it is hardly at school. Most of them are still at school.

Marynary · 01/04/2016 14:23

at school ideal

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 01/04/2016 14:30

I met my husband when l was 14 and he 24 and in a band. Don't judge

Treacle, treacle, treacle....

sorry, and I am pleased you are married for as long as I have lived! and yes the 70s were very different

but you cant ask people to not judge that!!!!

this thread gets fucking weirder and weirder and why are people so defensive of their May-Dec thang?

DontcarehowIwantitnow · 01/04/2016 14:34

why are people so defensive of their May-Dec thang?

Why are people so judgemental of the May-Dec 'thang'

MistressChalk · 01/04/2016 14:35

Possibly because there are a lot of negative and hurtful comments aimed at them?

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 01/04/2016 14:42

Possibly because there are a lot of negative and hurtful comments aimed at them?

name one? she has judged ONE relationship with one man, and one woman. The guy sounds like a sleaze anyway regardless of the age of his wife

the main comment around it being dodgy came from someone else actually.

anyway I cant be arsed with debating this. but how people make stuff into a personal insult baffles me, its just strange!

TattyCat · 01/04/2016 14:52

anyway I cant be arsed with debating this. but how people make stuff into a personal insult baffles me, its just strange!

It's taken personally because of the inference that anyone in a relationship with a large age gap where one party is still very young means that one of the party is a paedophile! It's insulting because whilst some may find it immoral, it isn't illegal and therefore, in the eyes of the law, perfectly acceptable. And for those who marry under the age of 18, they must have had parental approval. So, it's not for others to be judgey.

I know a couple (ex BIL/SIL) who married at 16, back in the 70s. They now have 2 adult children and a very successful relationship. Which one was immoral then?

treacletoffee23 · 01/04/2016 15:03

Agreed,Tattycat. The suggestion that he is a sleaze ball is offensive and they come in all ages! My point is if she is upset, then the OP should speak up or learn to cope with it.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 01/04/2016 15:14

I cannot believe that people are comparing an age gap relationship to the Adam Johnson case! There is a world of difference between two people over the age of consent having a relationship that has clearly lasted and an adult grooming a girl who he knew was a child.

Some of the comments on here are offensive (from one poster in particular) and I wonder what would be said if the relationship was the other way around and a group of older women were making comments about male interns?

KayTee87 · 01/04/2016 16:12

In Scotland you can get married at 16 without consent and people finish school at 16/17 depending when your birthday is.
I moved out at 17, worked full time whilst studying and paying bills. I don't think all 17 year olds can be painted as children.
People can join the army at 16 I'm sure.

ilovesooty · 01/04/2016 16:30

It seems as though you'd be better off concerning yourself about your own productivity and performance at work as you're still within your probationary period, otherwise you might be looking for another job out of necessity rather than choice.

treacletoffee23 · 01/04/2016 17:04

The OP sounds very young and may be relatively inexperienced in life. It would be a shame to lose/move jobs over something she could just deal with or switch off from.At work we meet all sorts of people and have to develop strategies to cope. Banter back with your own put downs if you feel that strongly or look ahead to getting another job in a different environment.There seem to be two issues: your character assassination of him as a sleaze and a problem with office Banter?

LoisWilkersonsLastNerve · 01/04/2016 17:12

When I was 18 I went out with a lovely gorgeous 32 year old I met at work, no big deal. I don't see what's annoying you? If he makes sexist jokes then fair enough, that's out of order but yabu to speculate on a colleagues marriage.

Edith1 · 01/04/2016 17:14

I can understand why it is upsetting you. You spend alot of time at work and when you are faced day to day with having to deal with inappropriate comments, it can affect you emotionally, especially when men are being derogratory about women. Your boss sounds like a sleaze bag and shows little respect for his partner/wife by these comments. What to do and how to cope is difficult especially in an open plan office and if HR are in on the jokes as well!! Is it possible to look for other work? Can you spend regular time out of the office? Can you ask to work from home 1 day a week or more? Is there anyone else in the office you can confide in and talk too about the situation who feels the same as you? If so you could provide emotional support for each other. Good Luck!

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