Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague's younger wife

299 replies

HootOnTheBeach · 31/03/2016 15:58

This is more of a WWYD and maybe some insight into how to cope on a day to day basis.

A colleague of mine is almost 50 and I found out that he dated and subsequently married his 17 year old intern when he was 32. This has seriously coloured my view of him. I know I should just keep my mouth shut and get on with my job. But I have to work with this man and it turns my stomach, every time I look at him all I see is a sleazy, predatory slimeworm. The men at the company see nothing wrong with this set up and in fact snigger in a you-lucky-dog sort of way and joke about keeping him away from the interns.

I try to be as professional and removed as I can be but it's on my mind a lot. He likes to make 'jokes' about forgetting birthdays and anniversaries etc and not getting her a Christmas present - the issue is that these 'jokes' seem to be what actually happens and all I can think is that she doesn't know any other kind of relationship. We are in an open office so I can't help but hear this type of talk regularly.

Please excuse the rambling. I fully appreciate, logically, that this is none of my business but it is affecting my work and I don't know how to deal with it.

OP posts:
AKissACuddleAndACheekyFinger · 31/03/2016 17:44

Met my 32 year old husband at 17. Twenty years and five children later, and in spite of the judgement of people with nothing better to talk about, our marriage is strong and I worship that man. I'm sure he takes the piss out of me endlessly to his mates, that's just our sense of humour, and he's been known to forget my birthday too! I'm not usually a biscuit giver but I'm afraid I think you need to suck it up buttercup and concentrate on things that are your business.

catsinthecraddle · 31/03/2016 17:45

I am 34, my son has friends who are 17 and they are bloody kids in my eyes. I would have nothing in common with a teen.

fair enough in your case, but at 34 I didn't have kids and there's no reason why I wouldn't have had one with a 20 year old if I had met the right person. You fall for a person, and if there's a big age gap, so be it. My sister's husband is nearly 20 years older, they would have prefered to be the same age, but they are happy together. What's wrong with that?

corythatwas · 31/03/2016 17:47

As PP have said, big difference between ideal scenario for own child and what you would worry about 15 years later- or even make a fuss about at the time.

My MIL's mother could not make that distinction and refused to attend her dd's wedding because of the 17 year age difference. Their relationship never really recovered. But MIL had a very happy marriage.

georgiatraher · 31/03/2016 17:48

Must be tough to listen to, but people change alot in all those years, she's had the opportunity to change it by now. I'd keep shtum but he sounds awful in general

Pico2 · 31/03/2016 17:50

It's none of your business whether he buys her presents. You might see that as an essential part of a relationship, but it isn't for everyone. I don't get presents for every birthday, anniversary and Christmas. That's fine with me and DH might joke about it at work, I just don't care.

leelu66 · 31/03/2016 17:50

OP - please never read vintage Mills & Boon novels. You would be scandalised - they are mostly May-December stories. Grin

JellyDots · 31/03/2016 17:50

I should say though that they type of joking Dh engages in is more like when people find out our age gap and he gets silly 'you old dog' type comments not 'keep all interns away from him'. He'd be mortified by that, and he didn't use his position of power for anything improper. Work wise I had very little to do with him as he ran a completely different department. Nor has the Op suggested this to be the case here as far as I can see.

ReaWithson · 31/03/2016 17:52

If it turns your stomach every time you look at a 50-year-old because he met his 35-year-old wife when she was 17, I really think it's time you looked for a new job and ask everyone in your new office not to tell you any details about their personal life.

Highsteaks · 31/03/2016 17:52

To be honest I am a bit Hmm at a 32 year old and 17 year old.

But seriously, they have been married for EIGHTEEN YEARS and it still makes you 'feel sick'?

Get. A. Grip.

Highsteaks · 31/03/2016 17:53

Oh and I bet that 'regulalrly' hearing this talk actually means 'occassionally'.

Rdoo · 31/03/2016 17:54

Op I really think you, or anyone else bothered about a married couple with a 14 year age gap, need to get out more.

I don's see the issue.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 31/03/2016 17:55

Things I have observed In relationships where the woman was very young

The woman has an unpleasant home relationship she is trying to escape from.
The man is quite domineering, casually unkind
The woman puts him on a pedestal
The man still likes young girls and often trades down as the wife ages

If none of these things apply to your relationship I am very happy for you

Crabbitface · 31/03/2016 18:07

Thing i have observed in relationships where the couples are of a similar age.

The man is domineering and unkind.

The woman has had difficult relationships or/and a difficult homelife.

The man trades down as the woman ages.

The woman puts him on a pedestal.

Hmmmm.......

timelytess · 31/03/2016 18:07

If I've understood your opening post correctly:
1 - It's none of your business.
2 - He's only fifteen years older than her, which is nothing.
3 - They've been together eighteen years, and so have managed just fine without your input.
4 - You're very judgemental. You call him all sorts of names - how well do you really know him?
5 - If it's making you feel ill you need to grow up a bit and get a life of your own.
6 - If you don't like the way he talks about his wife, don't join in. That's all.
7 - Do change jobs - they don't need to have to cope with your attitude every day.

corythatwas · 31/03/2016 18:12

TinklyLittleLaugh Thu 31-Mar-16 17:55:36

"Things I have observed In relationships where the woman was very young

The woman has an unpleasant home relationship she is trying to escape from.
The man is quite domineering, casually unkind
The woman puts him on a pedestal
The man still likes young girls and often trades down as the wife ages"

None of which applied to the two or three such relationships I have observed at close range. All were till-death-us-do-part marriages; all husbands were warm and kind and did their fair share for the family; the women were quite capable of holding their own and probably the stronger character.

TheNaze73 · 31/03/2016 18:13

Well said timelytess If this post is genuine & I have real doubts, I think you need to change jobs.

Ginkypig · 31/03/2016 18:14

Thanks for being happy for me tinkly like I need it

TattyCat · 31/03/2016 18:16

TinklyLittleLaugh Thu 31-Mar-16 17:55:36

"Things I have observed In relationships where the woman was very young

The woman has an unpleasant home relationship she is trying to escape from. NO
The man is quite domineering, casually unkind NO - HE WAS AND STILL IS SOFT AS PUTTY AND GENUINELY NICE AND KIND
The woman puts him on a pedestal YES. ABSOLUTELY - ADORED HIM WHILE IT LASTED
The man still likes young girls and often trades down as the wife ages" NOPE

I was 19 when we married. My ex-husband was 28. He's now married to someone older than him, so no trade down in age there! And he's still a lovely person, even if we are divorced now.

TattyCat · 31/03/2016 18:19

That's got nothing to do with age!! You can be unkind and unpleasant at any age Tinkly

Andrewofgg · 31/03/2016 18:20

My father was 32 and my mother 18 when they married and they were work colleagues. And I am beyond angry at the suggestion that he must have been a "sleazy, predatory slimeworm": he was none of those things. So far as I could see - and I was only 16 when he died - they were devoted to each other and I am as certain as it is possible to be that he never thought of another woman after he became attached to her.

As for these:

The woman has an unpleasant home relationship she is trying to escape from.
The man is quite domineering, casually unkind
The woman puts him on a pedestal
The man still likes young girls and often trades down as the wife ages

the first might have had some application to my mother; her parents were dead and she was being brought up by relations who meant well but did not have much of a clue - it was wartime and they were just left to get on with it. The others are not in any way applicable and the second and fourth are an insult to the memory of my father - and to many other men, living and dead, who have married a woman younger than they are.

OP You may have a problem with the "banter" and that needs to be tackled. But otherwise: wind your neck in. Mind your own business. Don't make assumptions about people and matters of whom you know nothing. And if you cannot work professionally with this man, you're the one who will have to go. But please don't. Think better of it.

MistressChalk · 31/03/2016 18:22

But this woman had a full time job at 17 so presumably was living as an adult despite not being 18, and the relationship was legal so what's the issue? Yes it's not ideal perhaps and if it were my 17 yr old I might not be happy at first but it also depends hugely on her personality and the 32 yr olds.

Also do you know this woman at all OP? She could make the same sort of jokes herself, she could be the type to laugh at the age gap and join in with the banter. She could have made the decision herself to get a new job and the 'screwing around with the intern' joke is something they both share and laugh at. She might not care that age doesn't get birthday or Christmas presents. You don't know the other side of the story.

My parents probably weren't entirely thrilled when at 21 I started seeing a 39 yr old. Years later we are still together and adore each other and my parents adore him. As a rule of thumb, never judge another couples relationship on the face of it.

Alisvolatpropiis · 31/03/2016 18:25

You sound completely and utterly weird op.

timelytess · 31/03/2016 18:26

Well said timelytess If this post is genuine & I have real doubts, I think you need to change jobs
Did I fall for another one? MN is hardly worth reading nowadays.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 31/03/2016 18:27

She was an intern Mistress so some kind of work experience, possibly unpaid.

Queenie73 · 31/03/2016 18:27

When I was 17, my boyfriend was 32. It didn't seem odd to me at the time and we did get engaged, although not married. I did marry at 20 and my husband is 22 years older than me. I'm sure that my parents weren't delighted by the 32 year old boyfriend but thankfully they had the sense not to say so.
We've been married for 22 years now and I'm still amazed by how many people still think they have to tell us all about their opinions on our relationship. They really don't, we don't care. He forgets birthdays and anniversaries, but so do I. He is also a devoted husband and father and a genuinely good man. I always knew that I might have to face being a young widow, but rather that than live without being ever married to him.
If office banter upsets you, then of course you should say so. Otherwise it's nothing to do with you.