Colleague's younger wife

[HootOnTheBeach]

This is more of a WWYD and maybe some insight into how to cope on a day to day basis.

A colleague of mine is almost 50 and I found out that he dated and subsequently married his 17 year old intern when he was 32. This has seriously coloured my view of him. I know I should just keep my mouth shut and get on with my job. But I have to work with this man and it turns my stomach, every time I look at him all I see is a sleazy, predatory slimeworm. The men at the company see nothing wrong with this set up and in fact snigger in a you-lucky-dog sort of way and joke about keeping him away from the interns.

I try to be as professional and removed as I can be but it's on my mind a lot. He likes to make 'jokes' about forgetting birthdays and anniversaries etc and not getting her a Christmas present - the issue is that these 'jokes' seem to be what actually happens and all I can think is that she doesn't know any other kind of relationship. We are in an open office so I can't help but hear this type of talk regularly.

Please excuse the rambling. I fully appreciate, logically, that this is none of my business but it is affecting my work and I don't know how to deal with it.

[USERNAME213]

YABU. how he met his wife is nothing to do with you. If he makes stupid comments in the workplace that is and if it bugs you that much you can have a chat to HR about it but don't make it a big deal.

[lottielou7]

You're being ridiculous, sorry

[contrary13]

My parents met (for the first time) when my mother got horrendously drunk as a 19 year old and stole the hat of my then 22-year-old policeman father. They've been happily married between 1971 and now.

I know that several people had issues with how they first met (if only because my mother ran off with my father's hat and it took a few more weeks, if not actually months, for them to officially meet), but that's their business and not my parents.

It's also not my business.

Just as how your colleague and his wife met isn't any of yours.

[Alisvolatpropiis]

The woman is now thirty five.

Highly doubt she'd appreciate some random fucking nosey colleague of her husband discussing her own feelings on their marriage and inviting others to join in.

Tinkly can you just hurry up and say he's basically a paedophile so I can call bingo already?

[Crabbitface]

Andrew don't let Tinkly get to you. Her very fixed view of the world says more about her that it does your dad.

[Pufflehuff]

"used his position to attract a borderline underage girl"...

Worra load of bollocks. Who's to say she thought he was attractive and began 'the chasing'? Maybe she was attracted to something other than 'his position' - he's a dull office manager, not royalty or a millionaire playboy!

I was in the midst of buying my first home at 19; I had the deposit good to go from 3 years of working and saving. I had a fresh new job, full-time shifts that still let me do a full-time degree and the evenings free for hobbies, where I met my husband (who has a portrait in the loft growing steadily older). He too was saving for a property and had a great career. Maybe because I was stuffy and boring, more interested in qualifications, the next promotion and getting on the property ladder than nights out and student parties, we were on the same page. Sometimes teens are a bit more sensible than sending boob pics on Snapchat and trying to go viral.

Sleazy, ha. Know what I remember, at 19, about 19 year old boys? They were babies. They played XBox and made faces if you talked about career plans or savings. Even my work colleagues, men in their 20s, seemed babyish. All they cared about was coke and football. Their mums did their cooking and washing. Snore. Give me an independent adult man any day.

[coldcanary]

Could I ask OP, is it a predominantly male office? Because I've worked in a couple of those over the years and almost drowned in the bullshit that was spouted every day by certain people desperate to be 'one of the lads'
The age gap and the way they met shouldn't be an issue for anyone after 18 years - the way I met my husband (same age as me!) is a massive cliche and something that is looked down on by a couple of people we know but guess what? After 19 years together neither of us give a shit about their opinions!
Wrt dealing with it in the office either get tough or ignore - tell him you pity his wife if he really treats her like that, tell him he comes over as a sleaze if you really must, be disappointed, whatever. It's either that or ignore completely and continue to feel sick..

[FellOutOfBedTwice]

My parents got together when my Mum was 17 and my Dad 28. Would I be thrilled if my own DD came home in 15 years time with a boyfriend that much older? No probably not. But my parents have been very happy for 40 plus years and I can't say the idea of their beginnings makes me feel sick. Okay, they met in a pub and he wasn't her boss- and that dynamic isn't great- but your colleague and his wife have had a long marriage. All he sounds like is a bit of a twat but that could equally be the case if they were the same age.

[Silverfoxofwarwick1953]

What a hoot, Hoot and Timely

From experience (39 and 22)

The woman has an unpleasant home relationship she is trying to escape from. Nope, a very strong family and always doing things together

The man is quite domineering, casually unkind
Live and let live, is how we are

The woman puts him on a pedestal
Definitely not and never wished for

The man still likes young girls and often trades down as the wife ages
Up or down? Confusing terminology to say the least

Relationship gurus you two......Bahahahahaaaa!!

[TattyCat]

And things ARE different now. Remember when people started full time work at 14? No, neither do I, but it happened (I started at 15, by the way). People had children much younger, got married younger, took on responsibility for themselves at a much younger age. Now? People are having their first child over the age of 40, for heaven's sake!!

Today's older teenagers are the equivalent of yesterday's younger teens, and so on. Children stay with their parents until the age of 30+ which used to be unusual. Now, it's normal. Things change, that's all.

In fact, if 17 year olds are not capable of making adult decisions then they shouldn't be responsible for driving cars either - they are dangerous weapons in the hands of a child.

[MistressDeeCee]

If the men weren't making sleazy jokes about his young trophy wife, and he himself wasn't being derogatory about her, then Id say yes mind your own business. But it IS your business. You are a woman, just as she is. They are making sexist, distasteful jokes about her in your presence. It is also unprofessional. I wouldn't put up with this at work and would be vocal about it. & yes, although technically age gap shouldn't have anything to do about it yes I would have a real issue with older men making jokes about young women, in fact any jokes about women but this type is particularly distasteful.

Id be having words about it. You can't stop them thinking what they think but hopefully at the very least, you can prevent their sleazy comments being made in front of you.

[Savagebeauty]

Just what has it got to do with you?
They've been together 18 years.
Weird op.

[HootOnTheBeach]

coldcanary Yeah it's a big firm, multinational, very male-dominated, etc.

[coldcanary]

Thought so. 99% of the office 'banter' will be bollocks and the other 1% will only be half true. Worked somewhere similar myself years ago.
Call him on it, I would (not the age gap, just the mysogynistic crap). But then again I can be slightly less than tactful

[ForalltheSaints]

The conversation seems unreasonable and if overheard by someone who did not know he has been married for 18 years, could land him in trouble. So talking to him or HR on that basis seems the sensible thing to do.

[ReaWithson]

From experience (18 and 31)

The woman has an unpleasant home relationship she is trying to escape from. Nope, a very strong family and always doing things together. Parents definitely felt very concerned about the age gap... until they met him and realised what a gem he was, and remembered what kind of person I was (i.e. nobody's fool).

The man is quite domineering, casually unkind
Couldn't be further from the truth

The woman puts him on a pedestal
Definitely not - though in hindsight he absolutely deserved a medal for kindness and patience

The man still likes young girls and often trades down as the wife ages
Nope, after 11 years together, when I decided to end things, he met a woman slightly older than me and has been - deservedly - happily married ever since

Relationship gurus you two......Bahahahahaaaa!!

^ this

Oh, there was also banter with him about "keeping away from the interns" etc. Even said in my presence... it was an attempt at humour and actually his colleagues (who were once also my colleagues) were gutted when we split up and actually very sensitive and kind about it to both of us.

[memyselfandaye]

Someone pass the OP some smelling salts.

If you are genuine Hoot, and I can't believe this is true, you have created the most ridiculous post on here.

Do you really feel sick? You really need something to occupy yourself, because giving so much headspace to how your colleague and his wife of 18 years got together that you had to create a thread about it, is weird.

[AugustaFinkNottle]

Perlease!!!!!!

right? what about 28 and 15 then? can we guess who has that age gap and is now languishing in HMP?

Utterly irrelevant. Because in that case the girl was barely 15 when molested by the man in question, and was well below the age of consent. Furthermore, she hasn't married him, and they are not still married 18 years later.

[BlueFolly]

I think it's sleezy when there's a big age gap where one of the people is a teenager.

[user7755]

Tinkly - you appear to have issues, based on your posts on this thread.

Hoot - WWID? I'd wind my neck in, stop over reacting to such a benign situation and if I really found the office chat so inappropriate I'd tell them to stop it.

[TattyCat]

right? what about 28 and 15 then? can we guess who has that age gap and is now languishing in HMP?

No-one's suggesting that "28 and 15" isn't wrong! It's a completely different scenario and moreover it's illegal!!

I take it you are petitioning to raise the age of consent, based on your posts? Surely you are doing something about 17 yr olds being able to date anyone, regardless of their age?

[witsender]

I fully agree that a 32 yr old man marrying a 17yr old is a bit eyebrow raising. But 18 years later?

[lorelei9here]

I bet that couple have fits of laughter looking back at people's disapproval

[MistressDeeCee]

Why are so many heavily focused on the age gap thing, when thats not the only thing at all the OP mentioned?

It doesn't negate all the "you lucky dog" sniggering, innuendo about keeping him away from the young interns, and his bragging that he doesn't get his wife presents does it?

Way too many male-centred apologists out there, picking on 1 thing so as to deflect away from the main sexist issue