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Original poster

Colleague's younger wife

299 replies

HootOnTheBeach · 31/03/2016 15:58

This is more of a WWYD and maybe some insight into how to cope on a day to day basis.

A colleague of mine is almost 50 and I found out that he dated and subsequently married his 17 year old intern when he was 32. This has seriously coloured my view of him. I know I should just keep my mouth shut and get on with my job. But I have to work with this man and it turns my stomach, every time I look at him all I see is a sleazy, predatory slimeworm. The men at the company see nothing wrong with this set up and in fact snigger in a you-lucky-dog sort of way and joke about keeping him away from the interns.

I try to be as professional and removed as I can be but it's on my mind a lot. He likes to make 'jokes' about forgetting birthdays and anniversaries etc and not getting her a Christmas present - the issue is that these 'jokes' seem to be what actually happens and all I can think is that she doesn't know any other kind of relationship. We are in an open office so I can't help but hear this type of talk regularly.

Please excuse the rambling. I fully appreciate, logically, that this is none of my business but it is affecting my work and I don't know how to deal with it.

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 31/03/2016 16:54

I don't understand why this is a big deal when it happened SUCH a long time ago! Were you even working there at the time? I am surprised anyone even mentions it. There can't be an awful lot to do in your workplace!

Crabbitface · 31/03/2016 16:54

shovetheholly but we don't really know how he treats his wife. According to OP he talks about forgetting birthdays and anniversaries etc. Not really crime of the century. Neither me or husband ever remember shit like this but we are very happy.

BarbarianMum · 31/03/2016 16:55

Yes but something can be sleazy and still not your business. Especially 20 years after the fact.

ChristmasEvePJs · 31/03/2016 16:56

Tinkly you and the OP would make good mates Hmm.

Crabbitface · 31/03/2016 16:58

And to those of you saying, "Well I was 16 but really mature and my partner was 35 but we've been together forever and have a really equal relationship......." Nope, most people still think it's sleazy, you're just too close to the situation for an impartial view

Not sure you can talk for ALL people Tinkly

ClarenceTheLion · 31/03/2016 16:58

given that he's been happily married for some 18 years

The OP never said that they are happily married, or that they had been for 18 years. There are plenty of very unhappy marriages, as we see here daily. You're just assuming, as much as the Op is, except that she actually knows them.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 31/03/2016 16:59

Christmas yes we probably would: united in our dislike of sleazy predatory men.

lorelei9here · 31/03/2016 16:59

I had a fling with a guy in his 30s when I was 17

I said to my mum at the time - you don't want me going out with guys my own age surely? Grin

A friend of mine was in a similar situation - they married when she was 25, now she and are 40, they are still married. So that's nice really - married 15 years, together 23 years. I think it's bit young to marry but then this thread isn't about my views on marriage Grin

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 31/03/2016 16:59

They are a long-term married couple with a 15 year age difference.

Is that seriously news to you? It makes you 'feel sick'? Good Lord. And you refer to his 18 year marriage as 'this set up'? They've been together for almost two decades.

The inappropriate remarks can be reported if you find they are genuinely complaint-worthy.

If you report, then choose your words carefully. I say this because you're the one who has used fairly nasty names, and have a disproportionate reaction to something very ordinary. Although, whilst I loather lad banter, reading your comments, I'm unsure exactly what has been said that is so awful (I may have missed it in a post).

I dislike the way you have chosen to express yourself by the way. Some of the names you have used are very mean, which makes me wonder if something else is the issue here.

TattyCat · 31/03/2016 16:59

You said you wanted to know what to do?

Get a new job.

You are being utterly ridiculous and extremely out of order. His marriage is none of your business - the relationship was legal whatever the circumstances surrounding it. If you don't like it, I suggest you write to your MP and petition for the law to be changed so that older men (or anyone, in fact) can't date anyone... let's see ... 5 years young than him/herself? Would that be acceptable in your view?

What, exactly, do you want to happen in this situation? Do you want him to be fired for ... what?

Crabbitface · 31/03/2016 16:59

No she doesn't. She knows him.

lorelei9here · 31/03/2016 16:59

*she and I, that should say!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 31/03/2016 17:00

Crabbitt I believe the phrase I used was "most people".

curren · 31/03/2016 17:01

tinkly because you knew a sleazy man, they all must be.

That doesn't make sense

sparechange · 31/03/2016 17:01

What other situations of getting together would colour your opinion of colleagues?
Affairs? Meeting online? Getting together after a one night stand?

Maybe you should send a question lair around the office to check you are happy with how everyone met their significant others? Hmm

Ginkypig · 31/03/2016 17:02

Dp and I got together less than a month after my 18th birthday, he was 32 1/2 we have been together nearly 14 years.

I can't comment on the rest of it as actually your not making it very clear (to me it sounds like his comments are meant to be humorous but come across in bad taste instead) but it sounds to me that you think because she was so young (in your eyes) she can't possibly know that her marriage is bad (again in your eyes!) and she's obviously too naive to know any better. Which is a ridiculous assumption to make!

You have decided from the little you know about the reality looking in that you know better and have judged accordingly

I don't say this but in the words of mn I think you need to get a grip!

Crabbitface · 31/03/2016 17:02

united in our dislike of sleazy predatory men

I don't like sleazy, predatory men. There is absolutely no evidence that OP's colleague is either of these things.

angielou123 · 31/03/2016 17:04

I do see your point, but i'd be hard pressed to find a problem with someone for something they did 20 years ago.Especially as they are still married! What they had back then must have been genuine to last this long.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 31/03/2016 17:06

I think that the evidence that he is a sleazy predatory man is that he got with a 17 year old intern when he was 32.

There are no mitigating circumstances to that for me.

sparechange · 31/03/2016 17:08

Is he sleazy because of the age gap or because she was an intern?

You are projecting an awful lot here...

TinklyLittleLaugh · 31/03/2016 17:11

He is sleazy because she was 17 and he was in a position of power with a certain duty of care.

I would have no problem if she was 27 and he was 42.

TattyCat · 31/03/2016 17:12

17 year olds were, 20+ years ago, far more mature than today's 17 year olds. I can't imagine the 17 yr olds I know dating someone 32 and if my DSDs who are this age came home with someone that age, I'd be horrified and I would make my feelings clear. But I wouldn't make a work colleagues business my own unless it was something actually illegal. You can't like everything everyone does and if it makes you feel sick then you need to remove yourself from that situation.

I do think that the age of consent should be raised however. They even have to stay in school until 18 now, so surely it needs revising on that basis? Today's teens are so young, in every way.

Ginkypig · 31/03/2016 17:13

tinkly

My partner is not sleazy and never has been and I resent the implication you made that he and all men in his situation are, I also resent the implication that I am not aware enough to know the difference!

Only you know about your child and if she would be mature enough but I can tell you that for some of us 17 was not young and we were very fully able to make the decision to enter into an adult relationship with somone who we deemed appropriate regardless of the fact they were also 17 or as in my case older!

BoboChic · 31/03/2016 17:13

There is nothing sleazy about a 17 year old dating and marrying a 32 year old. Get a grip and reserve your judgement for real problems.

sparechange · 31/03/2016 17:15

So you are just projecting then. With a blanket statement with no logic, by your own admission

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