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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Colleague's younger wife

299 replies

HootOnTheBeach · 31/03/2016 15:58

This is more of a WWYD and maybe some insight into how to cope on a day to day basis.

A colleague of mine is almost 50 and I found out that he dated and subsequently married his 17 year old intern when he was 32. This has seriously coloured my view of him. I know I should just keep my mouth shut and get on with my job. But I have to work with this man and it turns my stomach, every time I look at him all I see is a sleazy, predatory slimeworm. The men at the company see nothing wrong with this set up and in fact snigger in a you-lucky-dog sort of way and joke about keeping him away from the interns.

I try to be as professional and removed as I can be but it's on my mind a lot. He likes to make 'jokes' about forgetting birthdays and anniversaries etc and not getting her a Christmas present - the issue is that these 'jokes' seem to be what actually happens and all I can think is that she doesn't know any other kind of relationship. We are in an open office so I can't help but hear this type of talk regularly.

Please excuse the rambling. I fully appreciate, logically, that this is none of my business but it is affecting my work and I don't know how to deal with it.

OP posts:
Crabbitface · 31/03/2016 17:15

Then you have a problem with the age of consent for both sex and marriage and should take that up with your MP.

As for the "duty of care" - does this mean that no one in a more senior position should EVER have a relationship with anyone they work with? Given that LOTS of adults (yes they were both adults) meet their partners at work I'm not sure how you would legislate for this. Not ideal, but really not worth getting all pursed lipped over.

Ginkypig · 31/03/2016 17:16

Although to clarify I was (just) 18

And also I do see the point you made about being in a position of power.

lorelei9here · 31/03/2016 17:17

Tatty "17 year olds were, 20+ years ago, far more mature than today's 17 year olds."

I think this too. I can't work out why it's changed though.

ChristmasEvePJs · 31/03/2016 17:21

Tinkly, you clearly have your own issues but I resent the implication that my husband is in any way sleazy.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 31/03/2016 17:23

I am not saying it's not legal. It is sleazy though. I would have no respect for any man who chased a 17 year old. Hell my 22 year old son wouldn't dream of chasing a 17 year old.

And I was a 17 year old over 30 years ago. They haven't changed that much. I can understand why people with much older partners would want to believe that though.

Ginkypig · 31/03/2016 17:24

I think lorele it might be that things are different to how things were then.

the world seems dangerous and kids are "protected" for longer so independence seems to come later which correlates with older teens seeming "younger" and having less life skills.

Obviously that's just my opinion and its a general view so I'm not talking about all older teens

At 17 I had left home, I had worked since I was 14. I had at home lots of responsibility, taking care of younger children, household chores etc. very few teens nowadays seem to do that now.

pinkyredrose · 31/03/2016 17:24

Lol at 17 yr old being more mature 20 yrs ago. OP keep your beak out.

Sallystyle · 31/03/2016 17:24

17 and 32 isn't such a ridiculously huge gap. Many of my friends have greater gaps and have equal, happy relationships.

Yes it bloody is. I am 34, my son has friends who are 17 and they are bloody kids in my eyes. I would have nothing in common with a teen.

If a 32 year old woman went after my almost 17 year old I would think she is predatory and a little weird to find him attractive enough to want to be in a relationship with him- not that there is anything wrong with him..

OP, while I agree with you that the age gap when they met wasn't great they are still together so it isn't an issue anymore.

ChristmasEvePJs · 31/03/2016 17:25

Who said the chap did the chasing?

Sallystyle · 31/03/2016 17:28

I would have no respect for any man who chased a 17 year old

Me neither.

But it looks like we are largely on our own with this view.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 31/03/2016 17:28

Chritmas I don't have any issues, I'm not psychologically scarred by dodging a sleazy bloke when I was16. As I said, at the time, in the 80s, it was pretty normal. It's only with the passing of years I think "really?"

And having a 17 year old daughter. Are all you defenders keen for your 17 year old daughter to get a 32 year old boyfriend then? Nice.

JellyDots · 31/03/2016 17:29

You could actually be talking about me and my Dh. And YAB Very U.

We met when I was 17 and he was 29, I was the new trainee and he was my boss.

However, neither of us had badges bearing our age on. He looks very young even now git and I was born middle aged. He wasn't the manager of my dept so wouldn't have had any clerical information about me. I was already living independently and due to my circumstances had quite an old head on young shoulders. He was on annual leave when I first started so by the time I met him I had settled in, and it was at a staff social that we ended up being the last two people talking to each other at the end of the night. I honestly thought he was 23-24, and I was only a couple of months away from being 18. After a good few weeks of dating it came up. He was horrified, and I didn't care! Luckily I won him over, and almost 20yrs later we're still very happy. I left because it wasn't a career I wanted to pursue and so it made sense for me to be the one to leave.

I know that Dh gets similar kind of comments at work - and I know he laughs along. Probably because he knows there was nothing sinister about it, so he sees it as innocent joking among colleagues.

What I'm trying to say is that you know absolutely nothing about this couple and you have made some quite impressive leaps of judgement. If you think you have actual grounds to pursue this based on his current behaviour, or this joking is seriously offensive then I take it all back, but I'm afraid YABU and need to get a grip.

MumofMonsters I can assure you it had nothing to do with money, what a massive generalisation and how offensive.

Ginkypig · 31/03/2016 17:30

That's the problem you have tinkly

Rather than say two adults (with an age gap) have chosen to begin a relationship with each other.

You have worded it a man who chased a 17 year old.

you could never see the difference because you only see age and automatically jump to the second statement without even considering that the first statement would have been an option.

I didn't get chased! I fell in love with a person who happened to be older than me.

Sallystyle · 31/03/2016 17:31

I bet if I started thread saying my 17 year old son was dating a 32 year old female there would be cries of outrage.

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 31/03/2016 17:33

I bet if I started thread saying my 17 year old son was dating a 32 year old female there would be cries of outrage.

Probably. But if you were to relate this to the op in any relevant way you'd have to post your thread at least 18 years into the future and they'd have to be married. And most people still wouldn't give a shit.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 31/03/2016 17:34

I dinf it strange that MN is so vehemently feminist in parts

yes OP has her stomach turned by someone who:

used his position to attract a borderline underage girl
allows a culture of sexist jokes both about his wife, and about keeping young girls away from him
allows a culture where young girls are seen as "fodder"- ie the interns

its as inappropriate as fuck! and has fuck all to do with those of you that met your menfolk when underage young either

and OP is meant to turn a blind eye? Its sleazy as fuck, and you need to develop coping strategies to be honest, or look for a new job. Its not a normal working culture you have got there

DontcarehowIwantitnow · 31/03/2016 17:35

I agree with you all, it isn't my business, but it is affecting me and making be feel sick

Really?? Making you feel sick?

How old are you because the dramatics are that of a 12 year old Shock

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 31/03/2016 17:36

17 and 32 isn't such a ridiculously huge gap

Perlease!!!!!!

right? what about 28 and 15 then? can we guess who has that age gap and is now languishing in HMP?? Angry

Ohfuckaducky · 31/03/2016 17:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DontcarehowIwantitnow · 31/03/2016 17:37

its as inappropriate as fuck! and has fuck all to do with those of you that met your menfolk when underage young either

By that logic how he net his wife of 18 years is fuck all to do with op as well.

AcrossthePond55 · 31/03/2016 17:40

I think there are two issue, each having nothing to do with the other.

1-Age gap; One of my dearest friends was 19, her DH was 32. They've been married 48 years and I never seen a more devoted husband nor a happier marriage. As long as neither of them were married at the time, I have no problem with how OP's couple met. Even if he was her boss, she's no longer 17 and I daresay she has a brain as well as ears and eyes to learn with. If she wasn't happy, hopefully she'd leave him. Besides he may talk smack at work and be pussy-whipped at home.

2-The office chatter along the lines of 'you old DOG, you' or 'keep away from the interns; It's disrespectful to his wife and 'nod nod, wink wink, how's yer father?' banter borders on sexual harassment (at least according to US standards, it would be 'creating a hostile workplace'). If you don't feel you can speak to your immediate supervisor or HR, then go 'sideways' (a different supervisor) or 'up' (HR's superior). The comments regarding forgetting special occasions simply shows that he's a shit husband, but probably wouldn't be anything actionable.

What you shouldn't do is sit there and stew in it or leave a job that you're otherwise happy in.

JellyDots · 31/03/2016 17:42

Also, one of our Dd's is 16, and I would consider her to be very immature. She's also very petite so she looks more like a 14 yr old. She doesn't get this from me. She still lives at home, has very different circumstances to mine, is at college and has very few responsibilities. I'd feel very different if we were talking about her, but only because I know the background, I wouldn't apply that to everyone in the same position though.

GreenishMe · 31/03/2016 17:42

and has fuck all to do with those of you that met your menfolk when underage young either Underage? That's quite offensive

OP you should find another job

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 31/03/2016 17:42

is he was mute about it, and kept his head down and was professional she probably would not care or even give a shit

its the fact that its the topic of "banter" I think? and that its means that she would automatically worry about any teens coming into the office as interns as they would get joked about? its yucky. would you want to send your 17 year old to work in such a culture?

Crabbitface · 31/03/2016 17:43

Are all you defenders keen for your 17 year old daughter to get a 32 year old boyfriend then? Nice.

Yup can't wait for some predatory sleaze ball to take her off my hands!! Is that what you wanted to hear? No one is saying it is what they would necessarily choose for their kids, but I am saying that as adult who has the legal right to choose her own partner and forge her own path, I would respect her choice of partner and accept him into my family and hope that they are happy.