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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed that dh's employer seems to think we can magic childcare out of nowhere?

230 replies

m0therofdragons · 27/03/2016 22:00

Dh's hours enable him to take our dc to school and I collect. Dh has been put on a training course so 2 days a month he has to be in our nearest city (2 hours journey in morning traffic) and he has to be there at 9am. I can't go in late and make up the hours as I need to pick up dc. Breakfast club is filled in September so no space for random days. No childminders with spaces as again they get booked up in September. Plus I don't really want my dc to have to have a change in their routine which is why dh and I organised it so we are the ones to take and collect but that aside, what exactly do they expect us to do?

OP posts:
NattyTile · 28/03/2016 09:26

Do you have a neighbour who could look after them for an hour or so before school, then have a prebooked taxi to do the school run? Or else a friend who you could drop them with, and then again taxi for the school run bit?

OnlyLovers · 28/03/2016 09:40

YABU. They don't think you can 'magic it up'; parents can and do have childcare. It's hardly unusual. And being needed to do a few days' training is quite normal in the world of work.

But you need to decide between you how important promotion is to you compared to this, and whether he should drop out of the training.

LIZS · 28/03/2016 09:40

Book AL (@ 2 hours a day) for the first month sessions and see how the journey and course hours pan out. It may not be as disruptive as you fear. Presumably at least one month's will fall in a holiday when you'd take leave anyway. Go on wait lists for cm/breakfast clubs etc. Book it for September anyway asap.

beesarethebest · 28/03/2016 09:48

Your first port of call would be a couple of friends whose kids are at your school and are able to help. If most of the mothers don't work, then there shouldn't be a problem. Pay them if necessary.

We don't have grandparents around either so there is no family support. Thankfully we have friends who are able to help. Heck I'd think my neighbours would help out too. 2 neighbour's kids go to the same school, one doesn't work and has always said she'd be happy to walk the kids to school. Another friend took my kids when I couldn't find parking and was late for work. Another time I was vv ill at home and dh was away. Rang a friend and they stopped by, took my kids and I crawled back to bed.

You need to approach people. They won't offer if they don't know.

cleaty · 28/03/2016 09:49

I am a manager, honestly if someone at work submitted childcare costs to me expecting our firm to pay it, because we had sent them on training, I would be very annoyed.
And I have never been on any decent training that finishes in the afternoo

TiredOfSleep · 28/03/2016 09:51

Ask the neighbours in case there's an older teen willing to do it for money, or a older lady who would be happy to help?

CauliflowerBalti · 28/03/2016 09:54

I'd be cross that it's your problem to sort out, not your husband's. It's him that can't take the kids, he should be sorting out an alternative. His employer isn't in the wrong. He is.

inablackbox · 28/03/2016 10:16

Have you spoken to your work about this? They may not normally be flexible, but if you express how this is affecting you and it's a massive worry they may come up with a way to accommodate you 2 days a month....that doesn't seem unreasonable.

You could even offer to take the time unpaid if they can't sort out you moving your hours to make the time up.

AndNowItsSeven · 28/03/2016 10:23

It's very simple use annual leave now and take a weeks unpaid parental leave in the summer ( parental leave needs to be in one week blocks) .
The weeks lost wages will be worth less than your dh future promotion will bring in.

littleleftie · 28/03/2016 10:29

YABU - it really isn't your DH employers responsibility to "magic up" childcare for you.

When you both work, these things happen from time to time.

Either you go in late every day that Dh is on the course, you take the whole days off and do something productive with the rest of the days that will make you feel good so it doesn't feel like a waste, or you hire someone to take DC in, or he doesn't do the course.

I do agree with PP that this should be DH responsibility to resolve though - why are you doing it?

OnlyLovers · 28/03/2016 10:52

honestly if someone at work submitted childcare costs to me expecting our firm to pay it, because we had sent them on training, I would be very annoyed.

Yes, and this (NB I'm not a manager, I just agree with the sentiment.)

daisymoo2 · 28/03/2016 10:57

PLEASE DO NOT follow Hissy's advice! Completely agree with Cleaty above! Work will expect you to have a contingency plan for childcare. It is not your DH's employer's responsibility!

witsender · 28/03/2016 11:03

Tbh I would see this as a heads up that a totally inflexible set up isn't going to work long term. Everyone needs a contingency.

Northernlurker · 28/03/2016 11:04

I think Andnow's suggestion about unpaid leave is probably the easiest to implement. Talk to your employer about that now OP.

I do agree that this is a mutual problem though and yet it does always seem to come down to mums to sort. I do the lions share of school runs for dd3 but in July I am taking dd1 away for 4 days for a post a level break. This will mean dh will need to ensure dd3 gets to school and back. I have been very clear with him that I'm not going to make arrangements so that he can work as normal (sometimes away overnight etc) He needs to make a plan, whether it's agreeing with his employers he can't be away overnight then or speaking to relatives about staying etc. He accepts this and will sort it but it would be very easy for me to micro-manage it and fix it for him. I am resisting the impulse to do this.......

Marynary · 28/03/2016 11:20

I would ask for felixibility from my employer or DHs employer to sort this out. If this isn't possible, I think that I would use annual leave and then ask grandparents if they can look after the children a bit in the school holidays. If they can't help, I would use a childminder in the holidays.

KayTee87 · 28/03/2016 11:21

I really don't understand everyone saying it's his problem and OP shouldn't help. Ok maybe he should have tried to think up a solution (maybe he's already given a solution that OP didn't agree with). The main point is as parents and partners they are a team and should always help each other. I would feel so undervalued and hurt if my husband refused to take annual leave so as to help me progress my career.

Floggingmolly · 28/03/2016 11:30

It's 2 days per month... How many hours leave would you need??? Not enough to make any real difference, either financially or to your remaining annual leave, surely to God?
The very idea of your DH turning down the training that could lead to promotion rather than you take 2 hours per month, either paid or unpaid is so ridiculous I can't believe it even crossed your mind.

cingolimama · 28/03/2016 11:42

OP, you need to send out a group text or email to your friends, neighbours and mums/dads you know from school. Say specifically that you need help on these particular days, for these specific hours. I'm sure people will step up and help.

I've sent these out on occasion when I needed help with childcare. I've also helped others, and been glad to do it. So stop stressing and start sending your SOS.

Good luck.

Original poster
m0therofdragons · 28/03/2016 11:47

More than happy to pay for childcare it just isn't available in our small town with a closest city being the best part of 2 hours away.
As I've said previously we will obviously sort something but I just think people in general have no idea how hard it is with no family and other friends work or have their own dc so no space in their cars. I've already had leave to cover dc having the flu this year and work is not able to be that flexible as I have to work work with others so there's little point me being in when noone else is.

OP posts:
Original poster
m0therofdragons · 28/03/2016 11:48

Work work? Oops should have proof read.

OP posts:
beesarethebest · 28/03/2016 11:50

Exactly cingio. Send an email or text message. Do you guys have a class email or Facebook group or something? Or just send a normal text message to your closer friends. They'll step up. I received a fb message from one of my children's classmates mother who I'm not particularly close to (at all) asking for help as her partner couldn't get the child to school on time because he had a particular meeting that started early. It was a one off and of course I responded with a yes. The kids are not even close (as in they've not been to each others houses or had 'playdates'. He got dropped off here at 7.30 and we brought him to school. No fuss.

OnlyLovers · 28/03/2016 11:54

I think people probably do have an idea, actually. Your situation is hardly unique.

Onecallaway · 28/03/2016 11:54

People do know exactly how hard it is. Families all over the land have the same issues re children, work, childcare, all of it. Some people find it easier if there is family support but honestly we all have to set it up in the way it works best for us.

I do see more part-time working and career breaks to be a sahm these days than say 20 years ago because something has got to give.

Andrewofgg · 28/03/2016 11:56

Your and his children, your and his joint responsibility - not his or your employers' or colleagues' problem.

Marynary · 28/03/2016 12:11

m0therofdragons Why do you think that people have no idea?? You're not unique. Your situation is not uncommon at all for working parents. I think that it is probably a bit harder if you have three children rather than two but that was your choice. It isn't your employer or your DH's employer's fault or problem.