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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be annoyed that dh's employer seems to think we can magic childcare out of nowhere?

230 replies

m0therofdragons · 27/03/2016 22:00

Dh's hours enable him to take our dc to school and I collect. Dh has been put on a training course so 2 days a month he has to be in our nearest city (2 hours journey in morning traffic) and he has to be there at 9am. I can't go in late and make up the hours as I need to pick up dc. Breakfast club is filled in September so no space for random days. No childminders with spaces as again they get booked up in September. Plus I don't really want my dc to have to have a change in their routine which is why dh and I organised it so we are the ones to take and collect but that aside, what exactly do they expect us to do?

OP posts:

Onecallaway · 28/03/2016 08:35

I used to find childcare so difficult to cover all the different scenarios (illness, inset days, appointments, early starts, holidays) that when I became a single parent I couldn't manage any more and had to give up my job eventually.

What did help for a while was finding a student babysitter who could do the odd daytime. I used to pay for a taxi for her at 7am so she could get to my home for me to get to work and she would take the dc to school.

I also found a newly registered childminder, one of the mums at the school, and she was just starting out so was flexible enough to do odd days and hours including pick-ups. Ask everyone you know as this just came up through a random chat.

When dc were very young I paid for a private nursery to pick up dc from the house, then they did breakfast and took them to school.

I found three local babysitters/childminders on gumtree, all qualified in childcare, including two amazing primary school teachers who were doing supply and wanted to make a bit of extra money.

I had different people doing different days which was a nightmare but needs must at times. At least you have some notice to arrange something.

BoboChic · 28/03/2016 08:39

A casual babysitter plus a taxi?

treaclesoda · 28/03/2016 08:40

Not everywhere has holiday clubs.

cheapandcheerful · 28/03/2016 08:45

I think your dh should forfeit the training. Yes it might mean that he's less likely for promotion but he is accountable first to his family. Mums around the world have to forfeit promotion in order to prioritise their family - why should it be different for him? He has a responsibility to you and your children.

BoGrainger · 28/03/2016 08:48

The op's dp assumed she'd sort it witsender.

pearlylum · 28/03/2016 08:48

"what exactly do they expect us to do?"

They are your children.

SueTrinder · 28/03/2016 08:49

You do need to push this back at your DH, if he wants to change his hours he has to sort out the childcare to cover that. He is a parent and he needs to negotiate with his employers about his work-life balance, it's not up to you to take all the hit. If it's not possible for HIM to sort out childcare HE has to decide if he wants to go on the training course or not, maybe that promotion might have to wait a few years, mothers make that decision all the time, why is it considered so terrible to suggest fathers should as well. Sounds like you've become the default parent to deal with this and it's really not fair that a) you've had to do all the phoning round and b) you have to take a week of annual leave for him to have a bit of a jolly. Being a parent does involve compromises both with work and your partner and your DH should not assume you will cover this, there needs to be a proper discussion about if you as a couple can manage this or not. And indeed the consequences of him going on this course, if he were to be promoted would he be working longer hours putting more pressure on you? Is that what you want as a family right now?

Practical suggestions:

How flexible is DH's employers? Can he work shorter hours on other days to make up for the long days on the days of the training course? Can he take the training course in another way, e.g. can it be run as a fortnight course if that is more practical for you? Can he do some of it as distance learning? There must be some flexibility in the course, if he was off sick on one of the days of the course they must have a way of covering that content, he needs to explore this with his employer. Does he know he can take parental leave, a block in the summer holidays could balance out any annual leave you have to take to cover this training course?

Is your work flexible at all? If your DH worked shorter days twice a month doing drop off and pick up would you be able to work longer hours those days to make up your hours? Do you work PT, can you change your days off to cover this or is your childcare not very flexible at the moment (we have this issue!)? Ditto parental leave, can you take it at a convenient time for you to balance out any leave you take for him to take the course?

Could the grandparents come to stay for a day or two to help out with some of the childcare, either for your DH's training course or during the school holidays?

The bottom line is that your DH can't make these decisions unilaterally, he needs to discuss both with his employer and with you if this is a) a good thing to do at all and b) possible to find a childcare solution for.

AppleSetsSail · 28/03/2016 08:50

I assume that in being deliberately obtuse, you're aiming to make the point that the OP's husband is probably not trawling Dadsnet with a similar query at this very moment?

cdtaylornats · 28/03/2016 08:52

Of course he shouldn't forfeit the training. It is a short term inconvenience for presumably a long term gain.

Isn't he responsible to provide for his family - the training might be the way to avoid redundancy. Depending on his contract he might not be able to refuse. How would it be better for anyone if his career stopped dead.

witsender · 28/03/2016 08:55

The OP doesn't say anything about him dumping her with it.

Rafflesway · 28/03/2016 08:57

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AppleSetsSail · 28/03/2016 08:58

Honestly OP I can't really see the point in your post. Of course your husband's employer is not being unreasonable to ask him to go to a training course. Of course your husband can decline if you two decide that's best. It's up to you two to figure out a way to make it work.

I'd take annual leave, have lunch alone with a book and a glass of wine after I dropped the kids.

monkeysox · 28/03/2016 09:00

Where in UK are you. Some mnetters might be able to make specific recommendations?

daisymoo2 · 28/03/2016 09:02

I really think it would help your family to find someone close by who can help you with ad hoc childcare, be that a neighbour, student, childminder, etc. You might prefer that the carefully planned schedule you and DH have could operate perfectly all of the time but with both of you working FT (or close to FT in your case but with zero flexibility) and no family nearby I honestly don't know how you will manage longer term without some help. What happens when the children are sick (x3), when school wants you to come to assembly, attend class presentations etc. No-one I work with could do what you are doing without any backup childcare. I know it's a nuisance and you'd rather you didn't have to, but in your circumstances you really need some childcare to fall back on.

TondelayaDellaVentamiglia · 28/03/2016 09:06

I think you are being quite the precious mother about this...

you have a fair bit of notice, even if the first training days are next week, then that's two favours and get your arse in gear with a MONTH's notice for the next lot for a more permanent solution.

you seem determined to shoot down all suggested options and plenty have already been suggested.... all because you don't want their routine interfered with.

Hissy · 28/03/2016 09:07

I would talk to MY employer I see if I could come in later fr those 2 days. They may just say ok, and not pay you for the 2hrs you'd miss per occasion.

I would also ask friends to see if on those days if they could do pick ups after school so you could go in early/on time instead.

BoboChic · 28/03/2016 09:08

Great post, daisymoo

SanityClause · 28/03/2016 09:09

The thing is, hopefully the training course will lead to promotion, which will benefit the whole family, so it would be silly to turn it down.

I think the best solution will be for you to take AL to cover the hours each week, but then make it down to your DH to find a solution to cover the week in the summer. So, that could be a CM with extra capacity, finding a TA who will act as a nanny for a week (unlike teachers, they are not paid over the holidays, so often look for this kind of work) finding a temp nanny from an agency or website, taking a week of unpaid parental leave in the summer, or something else.

Hissy · 28/03/2016 09:10

It's 2 days a month, it's not a week straight or a trip abroad.

This is surmountable.

Take a breath, call your friends and ask who can help when? You only have 2 days of worry about this month, and can easily return favours

RubbleBubble00 · 28/03/2016 09:12

Dh needs to ask his employer if he can finish early to pick dc up. And u need to ask employer if u can start later, then on different days work later to make up time

Hissy · 28/03/2016 09:14

Failing all else.... Find out how much sitters would charge and dh can inform work that he'll be submitting the costs for child care as expenses as the course is causing a real cost to the family

Training courses never run all day, they usually finish in the afternoon,I agree, he may be able to do pick up on thes days, or get lecture notes and leave early.

Onecallaway · 28/03/2016 09:14

I put an ad on gumtree for childcare and I was inundated with replies and did find someone suitable.

(Btw I was approached through that by channel 4 and asked if I was interested in being in a documentary being made by the same producers as gogglebox!)

Onecallaway · 28/03/2016 09:18

I must say though in defence of op, that not all jobs and employers are or can be flexible (teacher here with early meetings, parents evenings, weekend revision sessions.)

If you have a flexible job and understanding employers, you are very lucky as that makes your life so much easier when you have children.

TrainBridge · 28/03/2016 09:19

Just a thought, could you put all the kids on backless boosters for those school runs, if they're over the weight limit? I know they're not as safe but you can fit three in the back of most cars (unlike the big HBBs) so a friend with one child could give all your three a lift.

My other option would be to ask a mature student I happen to know if she'd be ok to help out - she's often keen for extra money and her course doesn't start that early. Do you have a college or a uni nearby where you could advertise for someone?

origamiwarrior · 28/03/2016 09:25

Agree with Sanity. It will be much easier to find and fund 1 week's cover in the summer holiday, than cover these ad hoc sessions. Use your annual leave to cover his training and then come up with a different solution for the summer holiday - unpaid leave, grandparents over/kids to grandparents, or CM (presumably they will have spaces come up when some of their regulars go on their annual summer hols).

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