To be annoyed that dh's employer seems to think we can magic childcare out of nowhere?

[m0therofdragons]

Dh's hours enable him to take our dc to school and I collect. Dh has been put on a training course so 2 days a month he has to be in our nearest city (2 hours journey in morning traffic) and he has to be there at 9am. I can't go in late and make up the hours as I need to pick up dc. Breakfast club is filled in September so no space for random days. No childminders with spaces as again they get booked up in September. Plus I don't really want my dc to have to have a change in their routine which is why dh and I organised it so we are the ones to take and collect but that aside, what exactly do they expect us to do?

daisymoo2 Mon 28-Mar-16 00:17:12
A lot of really unhelpful comments about it being DH's problem. Since when did families work that way, where OP can wash her hands of her DH's problem? Whether it's OP or her DH's responsibility is really not relevant or helpful in solving the quandary.

People are not saying the OP can wash her hands of this problem, just that the DH seems to have casually announced this training and the childcare issue has ended up becoming the OP's problem to solve. It's the DH's training here, childcare is as much his responsibility as hers, and he needs to be helping to resolve this.

Sorry, I do think YABU. Training courses often involve employees leaving home earlier to travel further away. 9am start for a training course is not unusual. And it would be rare for training day times to be flexible enough to accommodate someone who always starts work later than usual.
You do have options open to you such as using annual leave. I know you don't want to, but this is possible.

Also every employment contract I have ever seen, says that you have to attend training courses if required.

Daisy, it's relevant in that OP has made it clear that her husband has dumped this on her as her problem to sort out.

OP, have you considered somewhere like sitters.co.uk for either drop off or pick up? They generally try to send the same person, and while there's a cost it might be a good stopgap. I have several job interviews coming up and am on mat leave so can't expect DH to take multiple days off; I'll be getting someone from Sitters instead.

Leathe nearby grandparents was a typo and should have said 1.5 HOURS. Plus they could run a shop
If it was a one week training course then making adjustments would be fair enough.
The OP is talking about a change to hours over an extended period of time. If the OP was a SAHM that'd be fine but she has a commitment to her employer.

He made it her problem, when it isnt her problem, it is THEIR problem.

In my family if I was the one who had the training I would take it upon myself to try and find a solution to the childcare problem. I wouldnt say to H "I am away early those days so you need to sort out someone to take the kids to school" and I wouldnt accept that if he said it to me. Its not the training that is the issue, but the assumption that she will sort it out with no input from him.

Imo the only way the OP is BU is by blaming her husbands employer instead of her DH for dropping this in her lap and leaving her to it.

If you did morning drop
Off would your work let you work later? Thinking even if each child goes home with one friend each then you pick them all up. Its much easier ask than all 3. Ok so you may have to bribe them saying you will have in holidays or like wise but there may be some help.

There's always a taxi service and hiring a nanny/agency/student who will jump in taxi and take them to gate for you. Easy job for someone sitting in car for 45min then making way back. Yes it cost but probable the least stress out option.

Sorry, I've read all of your posts but not everyone else's (I need to be in bed, my eyes hurt, but I'm doing that 'one more thread' twattery!)...

Would it be possible to take them to work with you & send them to school in a taxi? Or is it too far away?

Nanny agency?

Oh. Should have at least read the last post 🙃

That's me off to bed!

Except to say, what gives with your DH? I'd be livid with him dumping this on me today ( how long has he known?!) and him expecting me to sort it.

It's a fairly ordinary problem tbh. Between you and Dh you'll have to suck it up using annual or unpaid leave, and the same for any summer holiday issues.
The U.K. Holiday allowance is actually envied here, five weeks hol would be luxury. For the first three years of working here you get 2 weeks vacation time, and summer goals are 10 weeks long. This sort of issue is rife but folks just suck it up. Now that I am in my fourth year working ft with this company, I get a whole 3 weeks paid vacation
Of course with 3 kids and no grandparents it's complicated to work it out (I often have to take unpaid days - and usually at least four or five days unpaid over the Christmas period as I have long used up my vacation time) - so I spend most of my life formally requesting unpaid time off.
It's a pisser, but eventually your kids get old enough to look after themselves, and overall you are better off with a double income than the families where someone sahps.
Irritating, but bog standard for families where both parents work.

Use annual leave then take the unpaid parental leave in a week block during the summer. Sucks but I don't see another way round it if you can't get anyone else to do the school run.

14 days training is a significant investment in your DH. at an absolute minimum that would be the best part of £10k, plus expenses for travel and 14 days lost work.

Its not a whim, presumably he had some warning and I would assume you will be happy with the promotion and extra cash?

I was going to suggest using un paid parental leave too unless you are struggling to make ends meet - if this training will mean more chance of a promotion for your DH then it should pay for itself eventually and that way you still have enough holiday to cover school hols.

Whoever earns the least should take the leave for practical reasons assuming you could make up the time in your job.

I would use about a week of my 5 weeks holiday

So do that then. What's the problem?

Honestly, your children are not your DH's bosses problem. He's paying your DH to do a job and he's investing money in his training which adds value to your DH's skill set and CV and ultimately his salary, so can't you see it as a positive and make some effort instead of just seeing negatives?

If between you you can't find a solution to something small like this then what would happen if either of you needed to do regular business travel? Having a 'can do' attitude is what makes some people go much further in their careers than others. I realise it's tricky when you both work FT but you have to be prepared to be flexible and have contingencies in place or one of you should just stay at home.

Many holiday clubs are from age 5 only. We had this issue with DS in reception year over summer. It's for insurance purposes. Some of them will offer a short half day session but as a working parent that doesn't help. We were also stuck with no family, we had limited breakfast club provision and after school club even more limited and priority given to children in Junior school. The holiday club for the school closed down as most mums at the school didn't work, in fact I am one of only 3 working mums in the class (ethnic minority demographic so working mums a rarity). I can understand how this throws things out. We had no family support either and again childminders often don't want ad hoc mindees or are fully booked.

I think the best idea is to talk to employer, make it clear it's just a temporary thing and only 2 days per month. Or if possible try and get lifts with other parents. If you've done favours for others don't feel embarrassed about asking.

Could you ask friends to pick up after school do you can start late and finish late in those days? I think after school is easier to arrange than before. You can then reciprocate another time

We had a live out au pair for a while as we didn't have an extra room,and he would arrive early to get Ds organised and ready for school and then he went to college/work .
Also think dh is unreasonable to expect you to sort it out and, as an employer of a small team, YABU to expect your employer to deal with it and change your hours. I'm not saying I wouldn't if asked, if it was possible without major disruption, but I wouldn't consider it my problem.

In this sort of situation my employer would let me start at 7am for 4 other days in the month to make the time up (or 6am for 2 days). I realise that I am so lucky to have such a flexible job though. But not an unreasonable request, IMO.

I wouldnt bother with the car seats if that's causing a massive problem.

Not your dhs employers problem. If your dh wants to do this course, which is a great opportunity from the sounds of it, you will both have to compromise.
I feel for you as we both work, no grandparents nearer than a 3 hour flight away and 3dc (youngest is 2!)
Our life is all about compromise and working round changes in schedule
I have found a student who babysits, does school pick up and can cover extra bits and pieces as needed. She is essential. I can't imagine for a minute how you both manage what you do without any outside help, you must be running yourselves ragged . Surely there are other occasions when you or your h needs to be flexible with time at work? What's so wrong with holiday clubs and breakfast clubs, most kids love breakfast club especially only once or twice a week?! At least if you booked them in, or found a childminder /student/nanny you would be setting yourself up with a bit if back up for those occasions that will continue to arise?

In terms of practical suggestions surely some of those dates must fall in school hols when you're off anyway? (4 out of 14?), take another 4 as annual leave (one days worth), ask the grandparents for one off.help (2) which leaves you with 4 to cover by friends. Or if they don't all work out like that perhaps you could start late and do 2 hours work from home in the evening as a one off? Or go in late then finish early on a different day (asking your dh to do the school pick up that day and work from home for the rest of the day)? All of those are strategies we've used and there must be others. I think if you allowed yourself to pay some help and took pressure off a bit you wouldn't find this kind of thing so hard to manage. Concerning that you feel totally at capacity, there's always something unexpected that comes up with dc.

Do you have a neighbour you could ask? My dc have left home I only work part time I am very friendly with all my neighbours and would do this in a heartbeat.

It is disingenuous to say that the DH should be sorting it because they are a team. If the OP was saying that she was going to have to turn down an opportunity because her husband refused to try to help her on 2 mornings a week because it was her problem we would be in uproar.

Contact a CM to do some holiday cover for the DCs. Some CMers have term only children so might have holiday space.

Then DH, you, or a mix use AL to cover the morning drop offs.

It's a pain but unfortunately that's what happens. It's one if the reasons I don't work and we live on a tiny budget; the time off stress is gone!

You'll have to use leave and take less in summer and put them in holiday club, loads of time to prepare for that and book early.