To think the fussy eaters should pick the restaurant?

[BettyBusStop]

Need to book somewhere for a family meal. Not local to me.

It always goes the same way. Place suggested, fussy eaters moan. Or they ask if the organiser can contact the restaurant to ask if they'll do X, y or z instead. It's exhausting and we usually end up in one of two (not very good) places having a Luke warm roast chicken dinner. Last time was awful (been taken over) and we've all vowed not to return to that restaurant.

Not elderly, no special needs, no allergies, just fussy. Between the three of them they won't eat seafood, red meat, pork, anything with a sauce, anything foreign (except some pasta), no rice, no other grains, nothing spicy, no cheese that isn't cheddar, nothing that looks funny. Oh and one doesn't like veggie food - despite not liking seafood, red meat or pork.

I've suggested they have a chat and find somewhere they can all tolerate or that can accommodate their needs, and that isn't shit restaurant, and book it. Or, I'll book somewhere any they can find something on the bloody menu they can eat (even if it's just chips).

Apparently I'm being mean making them sort it. I think I'm being very reasonable And not at all unreasonable. (What I really want to say is fuck off to a Harvester and let the rest of us try the new Japanese place.)

It would for me!

It gets like a competition where you have to collect invisible disabilities

Did you really say that?

Pandora - I'm really not sure. My mum says I was good eater until I was about 15 months old. Then I started spitting everything out. I ate rusks and grapes only, lost a lot of weight then started refusing them too. I ended up in hospital on a drip for a while. Food stayed a battle ground and I had another stay in hospital at age 5 with a feeding tube. From the ages of 3 - 11ish I only ate 7 foods (fish fingers, chips, carrots, apples, vanilla icecream, satsumas and cucumber). There was no reason for any of that. My parents and sister ate normally. I became anorexic when I was15 which obviously complicates things but in some ways it has actually made me less fussy as I am more concerned about the calories and nutritionl information of a food than I am about its taste.

Food for me is now divided into food I like and will eat, food I like but won't eat and food I neither like nor will eat. I can sometimes cope with eating food in group 2to look normal or be polite but that is an eating disorder issue, not a picky eater issue (sometimes I have trouble separating the two problems, even in my own mind!)

Food for me is neither amazing nor fascinating. It is anxiety inducing and causes constant problems. Sometimes I love it and sometimes I hate I but it never really something to enjoy exactly. My 'foods I both like and will eat' list now only consists of chicken, turkey, fish, eggs, fruit except bananas and vegetables except onions, tomatoes, avocado and sweetcorn. My main dislikes are centred around sauces, spiciness, foods mixed together, mince, tomatoes and onions, pastry, cream and nuts.

pandora I'm not a fussy eater in the true sense. But I have ethical beliefs about animal welfare which means in restaurants, unlike at home, I'm limited. I'm also funny about texture/ appearance, so something like sauce running around my plate at best makes me lose my appetite, or physically heave. So although I like a huge range of food, and love trying new things, I'm limited when it comes to eating out.

However not being an attention seeking drama queen, only a few close friends are aware I eat differently when out. I wouldn't start demanding staff serve me a curry with everything in separate bowls, whilst demanding to know the origins of the meat. I'd just order a range of vegetable starters/ side dishes as my main and if anyone noticed say that's what I fancied. And same for any type of restaurant, never been in one where rice, or pasta, or potatoes weren't available as a side dish so you just find something to go with it to resemble a meal.

DD is fussy and it's like her brain is telling her that food is poisonous / dangerous and she can't seem to reason away that gut reaction. If you try to force her to eat her panic levels rise considerably until she vomits, which then becomes self perpetuating because she starts thinking "if I eat peas I'll be sick" so then she really won't eat it in future.
I suspect she may need some kind of CBT if it doesn't get better soon

We used to have a regular get together at work. The fussy eaters complained about were we went even though we discussed it fully before. Our answer was the same as the OP. Let the fussy eaters decide, nothing ever got organised.

We went back to the original set up. but on the last three occasions the fussy eaters have dropped out, strangely enough they now moan that we don't do anything as a group.

I'm sure that sort of attitude endears you no end. Yes, adults can have food phobias, no need to compare them to children

"Food phobias"! For fuck's sake. Why does everything have to be medicalised?

I'm talking about "fussy eaters".

everything has to be medicalised on MN!

manic, I think you're fine and I'll bet your friends think it's fine. Saying you have to eat a full meal and enjoy it dammit to go along to a social meal is akin to saying that it's only ok to go with friends to a pub if you're drinking and willing to get drunk.

Most meals and time spent with friends are meant for catching up and chatting and being with each other -- they don't require you to actually eat and love the meal, they simply need you to enjoy being there with the people you're with and not be grumpy and dramatic (which you are so clearly not).

I have a restaurant (with my DH as head chef) and am usually the main waitress and conduit to the kitchen. Both our chefs are Michelin trained.

It is a legal requirement to identify any allergens, and it is very easy to produce any dish without eg garlic or croutons or any random-thing-that-the-customer-doesn't-fancy-that-day

As a waitress I would always prefer that a customer tells us what he/she would like so that they leave happy...its really not that hard to do

My B-i-l is extremely fussy and, in the years I've known him (about 35) has got more so. He, like my sister and me, is vegetarian/pescatarian so you'd think it wouldn't be too hard, but it's a nightmare. He likes very little home-cooked food. (He used to cook quite nicely himself, but stopped years ago.) My sister cooks some beautiful, tasty dishes which he will eat, but "has to be in the mood". If he had his druthers he'd eat out or have a takeaway every day. If my sister says, "I'm making veggie chilli for tonight," he'll say that's ok, but when it gets to supper time, plead for a takeaway. If that's not on the cards, he'll sulk or raid the freezer for pizza doughballs or veggie pakoras.

They live in a town which, because of its demographic (wealthy retirees, students, tourists) may well have the highest proportion of restaurants and takeaway places per head of population in the country; but over the years, the number of places where he will eat a meal/have a takeaway has dwindled. One place, he no longer goes to because on one occasion - a very busy bank holiday; and we were a large group - he didn't like the table they gave us and they were unable to give us another one. Another, he no longer goes to because they went from having the same menu since forever to changing the menu once a month. There are still always things on the new menus he can and would eat, but he resents the fact that he can no longer always have the butternut squash stew or whatever it was that was his standard choice in that place.

The last time I was staying with them, on my last night, I invited everyone (B-i-l, sis, their three friends who were visiting, and a fourth friend who had been hosting me for part of my visit) out for a meal. Friend 1 said that I should choose since it would be my last night in home country for a while. I suggested a fish restaurant which was on both fussy B-i-l's and fussy Friend 2's "list". I love fish and don't get fresh sea fish in central Europe; we hadn't had fish at all in my 10-day visit. B-i-l immediately said no. Why not? Oh, I don't go there anymore to sit in because they have an ugly waitress. I let B-i-l choose - we went, for the fourth time that visit, to a fairly average Italian-style chain. When we got there, he decided he didn't like anything much on the menu - the same one this chain had had on the previous three occasions - so he only ordered pizza doughballs and chips he then went on to ask for shamelessly pinch-- some of everybody else's pizzas and pasta dishes.

Hurrah, hurrah, I'm moving back to the UK soon so will be able to see my sister without having to stay with her and grumpy, fussy b-i-l and negotiate the food-minefield every time.

So make everyone uncomfortable as they are all eating and you're sat there with tap water.

Do you really find that more uncomfortable than knowing that someone is missing out on time spent with friends just because you don't like sharing a table with someone who isn't eating? How is someone's food fussiness less worthy of being accommodated than your fussiness about everyone having to eat to appease your sense of what constitutes rudeness?

How is someone's food fussiness less worthy of being accommodated than your fussiness about everyone having to eat to appease your sense of what constitutes rudeness?

Because it's joyless and self-centred and anti-social.

Get over yourselves and pick something.

It is a legal requirement to identify any allergens

Any of a set of eight (?) particular allergens. Not much use if it's mushrooms you're avoiding.

It's 14 allergens, covering the most common ones that people may suffer from. However, you'd hope any restaurant worth it's salt would help any customer who asked - just like AGBforever says.

On people only having tap water, the one time it happened to me, my friend explained that she was ill, no one else made a fuss and she picked at what she could. Her one explanation was enough and everyone else let her be socialable and comfortable. Your basic good manners, really.

Oh I forgot the fussy eater who we went round in circles to accommodate going to their choice of restaurant because they always felt left out when we had been elsewhere - they then did not turn up on the night (with no warning or excuse)

IsmellSwell I'm fussy & hate chips. So there's that theory gone for you.

Worra has nailed it - stop basing everything around food.

As for people saying just don't go if you're fussy, people get annoyed at that too so fussy eaters just can't win.

Any chance a steakhouse would do OP? I know you said they don't all eat red meat, but every steakhouse I've ever seen has a chicken dish, and they presumably are ok with places that serve red meat since carveries invariably do.

Why do you worry so much about someone else when you're clearly so prejudiced against them? FFS.'

Because the entire point of meeting in a restaurant is to eat. Sat there with tap water is rude. Just stay home and eat your oven chips and plain chicken breast rather than piss on everyone else's tapas/sushi/Indian.

Brill.

It's a first world problem. You wouldn't be so fussy if you didn't have the choice.

True.
I bet in countries where food is short there are zero fussy eaters.

We pander too much to people in this country.
If a fussy eater was really hungry starving hungry they would soon hoover up what's on the plate.

As for people saying just don't go if you're fussy, people get annoyed at that too so fussy eaters just can't win.

Don't be a fussy eater then

I am vegan. I always find something to eat even if it is boring. There is always the option to have 2 starters for your main meal.

Okay, I'll just rip out my taste buds to please the sanctimonious bitches who get offended at people drinking tap water. Is bottled water okay? Do we have your permission to have that instead?

That escalated quickly