To think you should not comment when someone breaks wind

[ididNOTfart]

Very embarrassing, colleague said oh ugh someone's farted and looked at me! AIBU to think this was rude??

This thread has reminded me of the first time DH and I ventured out child free for my 39th birthday. I was half cut having downed a bottle of wine in record time and was sitting outside a bar in town enjoying the sunshine. Forgetting where I was and obviously overcome with excitement at not having to watch the Octonots on loop for the first time in 2yrs, I leaned to the side, lifted one cheek and let rip the noisiest fart of my life. A very, very, very posh lady was sitting directly behind me and said "OOOHHHH WELLLL !" in a voice reminiscent of Hyacinth Bouquet. DH was crying with laughter.

Rubmy I am crying !

Bimberley - I think I was that pissed I thought I was sitting in front of the telly on a Friday night necking my wine instead of sitting in a fancy bar.....I still laugh when I think about it too. "Oooohhhh welllll !" is still one of DH's favourite phrases

I have more "rectal retorts" ((c) Viz Comic):-
'an excellent theory, Dr. Watson';
'Quick, Carruthers, get the net, we've found one';
'Anybody injured?';
'You're only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!'
'Taxi for Brown!'

Laughing my head off here with my DCs. We needed a laugh, thank you. DS (9) says 'there are many fart ninjas on Mumsnet'

"Anybody injured?"

When I was growing up they were never referred to openly, my mum was always very disapproving (to this day I've never heard her do one herself), but my dad calls them 'Reports from Behind'.

She who Mumsnetted it's bum jetted it.

I can't believe we've not had the 'who ever said the rhyme, did the crime' retort yet!

DC1 is the master of snarts (sneeze and fart simultaneously) and carts (cough and fart etc etc). Has a cold at the moment and we had 5 carts in a row this morning..

You smelt it, you dealt it

My grown up brother - responsible, 40's, good job etc etc blah blah has perfected the art of the Fart Walk. The criteria is to start farting at one end of an aisle in Sainsbury's and still be popping them out by the time you get to the other end.

He's not married.

My ex husband was always trumping loudly in public and the childrens friends were heard to say I can't belive your dad just did that

I worked with a near retired "gentleman" who was almost deaf

He would let rip but assume it was a silent one!

On occasion he would stand with his bum near your face chatting to the person next to you and literally fart in your face -

We had to stifle giggles - don't know which was worse being farted on or continuing a conversation straight faced

Have needed one of these threads. I'm barking like a seal here.

'He who copped it dropped it'

Why my dog would do a Botty Bark, her eyes would immediately dart to me, to see if Id heard it.

She usually had the propriety to look guilty.

DS1 went through a phase of, whenever he broke wind (either end) saying "Mr Ruuuuuude!"

His latest thing, if he even thinks he hears me drop one is "Mum, is your bottom blowing raspberries?"

I usually reply "Nah, it's that squeaky floorboard again."

My grandmother told me this poem:

A fart is a breeze
That puts the body at ease
It warms the bed in winter
And makes music for the fleas

#jesuisfarted

If you cough and fart at the same time it's called a "through cough".

I let rip a naaasty one at a crowded NEC event a few years back. I have IBS and sometimes they just happen. Always silent, but deadly as the plague. It was very very crowded, we weren't really moving along at that point and I had a good ten minutes of the lady behind me saying "Someone's jam tarted!" and "I can't believe someone's just jam tarted!" in a strong Brummy accent over and over.
I really couldn't help it.

Howling at Arkhamasylum

'Quick, Carruthers, get the net, we've found one'

I briefly worked for the husband of a well known TV presenter and his first wife (TV presenter is his second wife). Husband used to sit in living room in company of myself plus nanny, reading his newspaper, and fart like a bloody carthorse. Of course as employees we had to keep a straight face, then snigger about it later in our rooms.

Always been unable to predict them or control them. Especially in stressful high powered meetings. Dropped them in appalling circumstances. Always maintain dignified silence. Talk about elephant in the room!