Is it rude to bring over an entire meal when you're invited round to someone's house for tea?

[TeamStark]

Just wondering what opinions are.

We have invited four of DH's relatives round to our house for an informal gathering, to celebrate his birthday. We said in the invite that we would order take away - this is what we usually do when we ask people around to ours. We like having a nice take away once in awhile as a treat, saves us the trouble of cooking for several adults, not a big deal.

One of DH's family members has taken it upon herself to make homemade soup and stovies for "4-5 people", and is bringing it over tonight. She has also bought oatcakes, and a birthday cake for DH. We asked her for none of these. We were looking forward to ordering pizzas.

Rude? Sweetly overeager?

We will be accepting the food graciously, FWIW, especially since she's already gone and made it, but AIBU to feel a bit put-off that I invited her to my house and she's up and decided to do the feeding?

Said family member does this quite frequently, btw. Shows up at my kids' birthday celebrations with a cake in a box from Tesco, when I specifically tell her I will make a cake. And shows up with platters of tuna and egg sandwiches when I tell her I will order/make/serve a dinner.

The minute I read the post OP I just knew it had to be your husband's favourite meal as a boy and it is understandable as a mum that she would want to give him a wee treat for his birthday. ( admission here - I got back from a 10,000 mile return trip last night, the highlight of which was making a big pot of West Indian Pelau for my son).
Your MIL should have brought it to go into the fridge for another day and gone along with whatever you had planned. I expect she is of my generation where entertaining involves cooking something delicious for your guests (it could even be an extra special home made pizza).

As a kid our stovies were always made with sausages. A cross between a stew and a really thick soup, with lots of lovely rich thick gravy and soft potato 'nubbins' with carrots and onions. There is absolutely NOTHING that beats stovies after a night out - you can keep your burger, fish & chips or kebab.

Dh and Dd do not consider takeaway pizza as a treat - they'd go straight to the stovies. I'd straddle both camps.

I think you made a fuss over nothing. Serving both was always the sensible option. I'd have put both out and not thought anything of it

Stoves are a treat for your DH. Your MIL bought his favourite treat. Rather sweet.

Just part of being in a family really

How is it sweet when you send out an invitation that says there will be food, to then turn up with food?

Is it not cringeworthy that mummy then turns up with ickle boy's favouwite food?

Umm, no, not really. My mum makes my favourite cake each year for my birthday, which we eat in addition to the birthday cake made by dh. MiL has been known to bring a third cake over too. Believe me, not one of us complains

I think that bringing cake is different to supplying the whole meal.

Am I the only one thinking how lovely it is for someone to provide an extra meal which I'll happily receive? I would perhaps just dish up a small portion at the party as a food option for those who don't like take away (some people don't) and we'll have the rest later that night (no cooking WIN!!!) ? I never say no to a nice home cooked meal! It would be different if she brought a ready-made meal. And the more cake the merrier in my opinion...

If people dont like takeaway they can say so when asked.The Mil was being undermining.

Vegans,dietary requirements aside you dont bring food to a hosted party unless you are asked.
I would just go out to dinner next year.

"If people dont like takeaway they can say so when asked."

Exactly!

Or MIL could have suggested to OP that she (MIL) do stovies, or hosted herself!

Well, was a bit rude of MIL to say "stovies are better than pizza", even if that's her opinion, so fair enough to respond, I reckon. You don't turn up to a meal someone else is hosting with your own stuff and then proclaim it better. Imagine someone comes in with a dessert you weren't expecting, and you serve it up alongside your shop-bought one (rude not to) and then they say how much better it is than what you provided - that just IS rude, no question. It would however also be rude to put their food in the fridge and not serve it, imo, just as it is polite to ask if your guests would like you to open the wine they brought (even if it's not your preferred tipple!)

It's OK to bring someone's favourite dish, if you ASK or OFFER beforehand, and are prepared to be told no. Otherwise you need to host, if you want to dictate the menu! It's got bog-all to do with whether you personally consider a takeaway inferior to a home-cooked meal. If you want to choose the menu, then you host the gathering, or you decline the invite.

Anyway, OP, your MIL sounds basically lovely but needs a bit of gentle handling to get the outcome you need, I reckon.

Stovies are nice, i guess the equivalent would be lancashire hotpot or corned beef hash in England.

They're not a celebration meal though, more of a leftovers/comfort food.

If I had spent hours in the kitchen cooking a three course meal from scratch, then I would be miffed, yes. But just ordering in take away pizza? Nah. It's hardly a slur on my hostessing skills. I really couldn't get worked about it tbh.

Whether it is stories or caviar and smoked salmon, it's rude! You have said what is happening and she is treading on your toes doing what she likes. Different if you have a bit of a do and politely ask if folk could bring a dish or a wee plate of nibbles. Different if you have the flu and she turns up with a meal to save you the bother. But in this case, just rude

It sounds very odd. I'd go ahead and order pizza anyway as that dish is rather a strange meal for an informal birthday celebration! You could either ask her not to bring it as you've already planned on Pizza (she could keep it at home and eat it the next day herself) or just put it to one side on the table and I'm sure with the choice of pizza or that, most people will opt for pizza!

Hmm. If it's MIL she sounds a bit put out that her son's celebration dinner isn't at her house. Is that what the problem is - that she is out of the picture a bit? Does DH keep in touch with her? Sounds as if she feels redundant & can't accept that you are No1 now in his life. I agree with whoever said "We'd love to have that at your house next week" or whatever.

She seems to know no bounds when it comes to insulting you. So I'd go right ahead and insult her back. Either let her know now that only pizza will be served or accept the food and eat it another night. Or throw it in the bin - that's what I'd do with the stovies - eugh. Good luck!

I think it's all been eaten, guys?

Perhaps she just likes cooking, is a bit lonely and it gives her something to do. I'd just accept it and not make too much of it.

Hi, Im new here!

My initial advice would have been to accept the food graciously, take it into the kitchen , and in plain sight put it in the bin. Make no further mention of it.

However as your DH actually wants the food it puts you in a tricky situation. Ask DH if he wants stovies or pizza. If he wants stovies follow my initial advice except leave 1 portions worth out of the bin and serve to dh.

If he wants pizza do the same but put the remaining portion in the fridge.

That would be quite spectacularly rude and unnecessary

We only have soup and stovies for guests on bonfire night. Its winter comfort food. Its not very 'birthday party' food. How odd

Recipe for stovies [[http://jensfoodandphotos.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/scottish-stovies.html]]

Link fail!

jensfoodandphotos.blogspot.co.uk/2013/10/scottish-stovies.html

Weird & controlling behaviour from your MIL.

If she really wanted to make something homemade for her little boy then she should have contacted you & your DH to see what would've been appropriate. No one would really plan to serve pizza with stovies!

Next time you go to her place make sure you turn up with something bizarre and insist on serving it with her dinner.

"Oh MIL - how lovely you've made your famous steak pie! Here's my seafood spaghetti to go with it. DH loves my seafood spaghetti don't you DH?"