Is it rude to bring over an entire meal when you're invited round to someone's house for tea?

[TeamStark]

Just wondering what opinions are.

We have invited four of DH's relatives round to our house for an informal gathering, to celebrate his birthday. We said in the invite that we would order take away - this is what we usually do when we ask people around to ours. We like having a nice take away once in awhile as a treat, saves us the trouble of cooking for several adults, not a big deal.

One of DH's family members has taken it upon herself to make homemade soup and stovies for "4-5 people", and is bringing it over tonight. She has also bought oatcakes, and a birthday cake for DH. We asked her for none of these. We were looking forward to ordering pizzas.

Rude? Sweetly overeager?

We will be accepting the food graciously, FWIW, especially since she's already gone and made it, but AIBU to feel a bit put-off that I invited her to my house and she's up and decided to do the feeding?

Said family member does this quite frequently, btw. Shows up at my kids' birthday celebrations with a cake in a box from Tesco, when I specifically tell her I will make a cake. And shows up with platters of tuna and egg sandwiches when I tell her I will order/make/serve a dinner.

I also agreed that it's weird and controlling

Says the poster who's going round to her MIL's with their lunch.

That's not weird & controlling though jelly - bloody sensible I think

That's not weird & controlling though jelly

Of course its not. Because the poster has an excuse. Unlike the MIL in the opening post who went blundering in with the Stovies and Soup just because.

Yeah that's what I wanted to say - even if at first glance it sounds like the height of rudeness to take your own lunch, it's really not always about control. I wish I wouldn't have to bother, but last time MIL decided to get adventurous and almost served us a salad with raw chicken slices. Recipe called for cold sliced chicken, you see. So it's less about control and more about self-preservation.

Of course its not. grin Because the poster has an excuse. Unlike the MIL in the opening post who went blundering in with the Stovies and Soup just because

Katharine, Im sorry. I was being very tongue in cheek when I posted the above but it didnt come across as I intended. I did think you were being controlling, that you were dressing it up as something else. But having read about the chicken pieces I now understand.

Fangs4themammaries interesting name :)

Oh my god op I'm so glad you posted this! Have been gritting my teeth all weekend at MIL's need to feed everyone. When we visit there's she buys extra food, always far too much and when we dont eat she gives it to us to take home!! "erm, well the reason I didn't eat these crappy crisps while I was here is because I don't like them so I'm not going to like them any more at my own house am I?' I don't say it obviously but I have learnt over the years to refuse to be just handed bags and now look through them, taking it anything we wont eat. She moans 'but it'll just get chucked' to which I reply 'yes, either at our house or yours and I'd rather yours seeing as you bought it!'

This weekend they are here, lending a hand with some renovations. Arrived on fri with bags of shopping 'oh well I thought I'd make everyone brunch, you wont want a big breakfast before manual work'

Had she offered before hand or asked 'how about i cook everyone breakfast?' I would have welcomed the offer. But to just turn up with no consideration for the fact we may have planned meals, or the fact I don't like cooked brunch or missing breakfast just seems to rude to me. I know this is super petty but I take it as 'you are merely a pretend adult, therefore feeding 6 people would be far too much for you, I'll have to do it.'

Other gems: 'we'll have fish and chips tonight and something salady tomorrow - its Easter so we must eat pauper food.' - Aside from the irritation of being told what to make for guests on my own house, we are not and never have been practicing Christians.

Went shopping yesterday for tea (an amazing veggie lasagne that I always get compliments on... stuff your easter pauper food!). She grabs a trolley saying 'ill get a few bits as well'. Fine, allows me to have a breather while I shop! But then I run in to her picking up snacks (shes not a big snacks person)
Me: you're not buying stuff for tonight are you? Can you plesse let me provide the food in my own house. we'll end up buying the same.
Her: oh just some crisps.
Me: we have crisps, I said that earlier. We bought them because we were having guests.
Her: oh ok

And what happens? We get back to mine and...
I've bought some more disgusting skimmed that you dont drink milk for you
Dh: we have milk
Her: oh...I guess i'll take it home
Me: who are these cakes for?
Her: pudding for tonight
Me: I bought cheesecake...I did say don't buy stuff for tonight as we'll end up buying the same.
Her: oh well, it'll get eaten! I got some bread (we have bread) and eggs (we have eggs) so i'll make everyone breakfast tomorrow.

AGHHHHHHHHH!

Presumably you're grateful that she's helping out with your house renovations, however?

My own mum is a massive feeder. She always sends us home with food when we've visited, and like your Mil she tends to want to contribute towards the shopping when she's at ours. I think she just likes to feel useful, and it doesn't bother me. The only time I've had the secret hump with her about it was when she cleaned and rearranged my whole kitchen when my firstborn was a baby; she did admittedly do a fab job but I did feel like a terrible slattern by comparison.

I don't generally like it when people bring 'courses' round when you're having them over for dinner, unless asked for, as I would've already made the food!!

I'd leave hers out n the pizza out n let people help themselves. If she came with cake ID leave hers boxed and sweetly present her with it on her way home. Saying too kind, but please take home n enjoy.

Sorry but this is really getting to me....the word 'stovies' indicates a plural to me.....how can a bowl of slop be called stovies?!? 😞

Haven't read the whole thread, but if guest had particular dietary requirements. Eg. Coeliac, food allergy, then fine, but otherwise, rude and to bring it for the whole party is definitely out of order.

Stovies can be many things. Traditionally they were the ends of the Sunday roast mixed with potatoes & onion.
My mums were Scottish square/lorne sausage with potatoes & onion.
Love them. Real tasty.

Some add carrot, or make a gravy (not my preference) . Each to their email own. & each region of Scotland has a slight variance.

It would really annoy me. Spend all day looking forward to a takeaway and at last minute end up with stovies and soup...Why not ask first? Nice she's made an effort but what would have happened if you had decided to make a meal in the end? If your the host then it's you who decides. What if you didn't like stovies and had to settle with it all while looking forward to a pizza?

And I hate it when everyone knows your making a cake and they either make one as well or buy cakes. Does my head in.

Stovies as in made on the stove top.
See my post further down.

Is it like bubble and squeak? Like a fried leftover roast cake?

Or like a hotpot/pan of scouse type stew?

Can't think why you'd serve soup with a stew so I'm assuming the former. I'd just serve both pizza and the MIL stuff and I'd eat the pizza myself.

Once I invited my dad, stepmum and their two kids over for takeaway pizzas, we waited ages for them to arrive, were getting really hungry, then they turned up and announced they'd decided to have dinnet at home before they left I felt really embarassed as I knew my DH would not be impressed by this. We then had to order our own pizza and eat in front of them. WTF is wrong with some people?!

I'd order the pizza, serve the cake ...accept the soup as a hostess gift which youll be really looking forward to having tomorrow.
Dh and other guests will be looking fwd to the pizza

I wonder if maybe the MIL might be undiagnosed autistic? It is much more commonplace than people realise especially in women because it doesn't present itself as obviously as it tends to do in males.
One trait of some autistic females is not being very certain of boundaries and not realising if they are behaving outside the usual expected norms of behaviour and manners.
I expect the thinking might go like this:

1. I've been invited to spend time with my son and his family on his birthday.
2. They want me to be with them on this special occasion.
3. The occasion is about togetherness and not food because the food is takeaway pizza which they can have any time so the event is about being together.
4. I don't like pizza or I don't know where they are getting the pizza from and unless it comes from a place I know and trust I will be stressed out and nervous and that might make me behave in a way as to spoil the evening.
5. I don't want to miss the event because it was kind of them to invite me and I like being with them and I think they like me too.
6. I will bring my own food and then I needn't be stressed out about eating pizza from somewhere I don't trust/or pizza I don't like or maybe the stress of having to make a decision about what pizza to order is too much in a public gathering when mixing with people is hard enough just on its own - even if it is only family.
7. I don't want them to think I am selfish for just bringing food for myself.
8. I will bring enough to share in case anyone else wants it or feels they don't want pizza for some reason because maybe they feel the same way as me and so I'll be doing them a favour.

Result complete failure to avoid offending but absolutely no intention of doing so in the first place.
There is a lot of stock placed on 'not being rude' and assuming everyone must have the same way of thinking as everyone else. As it is Autism Acceptance month I am taking this opportunity to suggest that sometimes people behave differently because they think in a different way and sometimes they come across as controlling and unpleasant because they have spent all their lives desperately trying to fit in and knowing all the time that they are getting it wrong and never quite 'getting' why or how and feeling disliked and incapable of managing to please people can lead to trying too hard and making the whole thing worse.
I've lost count of the times I've put my foot in it when I genuinely was trying to be nice and/or helpful. Probably doing it now come to think of it. Oh well.

I think possible autism is pushing it a bit, actually. Wanting to feed the five thousand on every possible occasion isn't all that unusual; ask anyone with an Irish mammy!

Autism isn't all that unusual either. It isn't all Rain man and flappy hands it can look remarkably like Irish mammies and Jewish ones and all the other types there are. It is a spectrum and so is incredibly commonplace. You'd be amazed at how many people you know have it. I had no idea I had it until I was in my fifties and a lot of stuff fell into place.

Oh, sorry Banana, I didn't read your post properly and missed that you had personal experience. Didn't mean to be rude.

I had this too at the weekend and was a bit put out! I phone MIL and said was making a veggie curry and they invited the round for it. She called me back saying she would bring 'something for the non-veggies'. Turned up with one of those pack things from Tesco all to go in the microwave...took forever and was a bit affronted but didn't say anything.

The oddest bit of all this, to my mind, is the fact that she deliberately brought enough stovies & soup for fewer than the number of people attending. It's not like bringing enough salad/garlic bread/whatever to go round.

I'd've kept the stovies for DH later as a snack, fridged/frozen the soup & encouraged everyone to get stuck into the pizza.

I think possible autism is pushing it a bit, actually. Wanting to feed the five thousand on every possible occasion isn't all that unusual; ask anyone with an Irish mammy

Yep, thats me, although I'm Scottish. However prior to 1874 my ancestors were Irish and Ive always said that it was that 'side of me' that helped me with my life here in the ME.

I also have an adult child who's severely autistic, as well as other family members who are on the spectrum and I have a feeling this particular scenario is nothing more than MIL getting all excited about a celebration and getting into 'her' swing of things.