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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is it rude to bring over an entire meal when you're invited round to someone's house for tea?

250 replies

TeamStark · 23/03/2016 15:44

Just wondering what opinions are.

We have invited four of DH's relatives round to our house for an informal gathering, to celebrate his birthday. We said in the invite that we would order take away - this is what we usually do when we ask people around to ours. We like having a nice take away once in awhile as a treat, saves us the trouble of cooking for several adults, not a big deal.

One of DH's family members has taken it upon herself to make homemade soup and stovies for "4-5 people", and is bringing it over tonight. She has also bought oatcakes, and a birthday cake for DH. We asked her for none of these. We were looking forward to ordering pizzas.

Rude? Sweetly overeager?

We will be accepting the food graciously, FWIW, especially since she's already gone and made it, but AIBU to feel a bit put-off that I invited her to my house and she's up and decided to do the feeding?

Said family member does this quite frequently, btw. Shows up at my kids' birthday celebrations with a cake in a box from Tesco, when I specifically tell her I will make a cake. And shows up with platters of tuna and egg sandwiches when I tell her I will order/make/serve a dinner.

OP posts:
RockUnit · 23/03/2016 20:55

I would accept the food but not serve it on the night.
Tell them you're looking forward to having it the following day.

This ^

Fangs4themammaries · 23/03/2016 20:55

I was only musing myself the other day how some events (church-related) are ruined (imho) by women insisting on catering for them. It's not necessary (as another member said, people have already been fed and watered before coming), it takes up time, it stops the caterers from fully participating, and it makes the non-catering women feel uncomfortable. I reached the conclusion that it is either controlling behaviour, or betokens a lack of confidence in having anything else to offer.

fourage · 23/03/2016 20:57

Cooking for each other is a way my family express and communicate. My OH is of Lebanese heritage and is also a trained chef, everyone in my family loves good food.
If we have a family celebration food id a big part of that.
We eat a wide range of food, but for a family birthday there would usually be several days planning and preparation.

Pizza would not hit the spot, we tend to have the table groaning with home made stuff.

CocktailQueen · 23/03/2016 20:57

Stovies are made with roast beef and mash! not corned beef! And served with oatcakes. Beetroot goes v well with them too. Love my mum's stovies!

Op, yanbu. I'd serve them both to keep the peace...

StrumpersPlunkett · 23/03/2016 20:59

My FiL does this (have moaned on here in the past) YANBU
He is told not to bring anything yet will turn up with ingredients and take over my kitchen and cook even when I have food planned and am about to cook myself.

Christmas was a barrel of laughs I can tell you 🙃

fourage · 23/03/2016 21:00

wally- I have two vegans in my family, and several who adore meat. It does present some challenges, but fun to find creative ways to please everyone.

Slowtrain2dawn · 23/03/2016 21:07

She is clearly telling you that take away is not good enough for her son and as you are such a poor excuse of a wife she will have to cater to his needs.
Order pizza and ignore what she brings. Let her heat and serve it if anyone wants it!
Wine Flowers for you

Floggingmolly · 23/03/2016 21:10

It does sound several light years away from takeaway pizza, to be fair fourage Envy

ApocalypseSlough · 23/03/2016 21:15

My poncey southern version
Thank you OP's mil. Grin

Is it rude to bring over an entire meal when you're invited round to someone's house for tea?
EastMidsMummy · 23/03/2016 21:20

Do you have a dog, OP? The picture on the first page looks like dog food. Could she be bringing you dog food?

Original poster
TeamStark · 23/03/2016 21:21

Since DH actually looked forward to stovies, once his mum told him she was bringing them, I scaled back on the pizza. Ordered one pie, instead of two, and we polished the lot. Except for the soup - that went in the fridge.

MIL tried to say the crowd tonight, "Och, stovies are better than pizza," to which I said, "I like the pizza." Maybe that was a bit much. She went a bit quiet after that.

I spoke with my DH about this in depth after everyone left. He didn't see what the problem was (and yes, he's definitely a mama's boy). I pointed out that if she'd even just offered - even just said, "Why don't I make ...", that it would have been completely different. It also would have been completely different if she'd offered to make something back when I invited my ILs over. They are one of DH's favorite foods, and I would have accepted the offer gladly. What I didn't appreciate was her just taking over.

To him, his mum made stovies as a surprise, which she then blew by telling him about. Hmm He thinks she is just being helpful.

It's not all bad with MIL. She actually is very helpful when it comes to things like helping us clear up after a meal, which she did tonight. And she's good with our kids.

Family!

OP posts:
OllyBJolly · 23/03/2016 21:23

Stovies are made with roast beef and mash! not corned beef! And served with oatcakes. Beetroot goes v well with them too

It depends... originally stovies were leftovers (the scrapings of the stove) so were just what had been the previous day's meal. It then became a proper dish, and every area of Scotland makes it differently. My Aberdeenshire sister makes stovies with roast beef then spoils it by adding barley. In Shetland I had stovies with mutton and also with "Sassermaet" (which I think is the sweepings of the butcher's floor) . Down in the borders I'm sure it was mince...sometimes it's hard to tell!

YYY to the beetroot!

GnomeDePlume · 23/03/2016 21:41

I would struggle to find a mummy's boy attractive as a life partner

HoundoftheBaskervilles · 23/03/2016 22:16

As an aside I think there has been much confusion on this thread between stovies and Stotties.

The MIL's antics would have driven me mad Team NO-ONE brings food to my house unless asked. Very rude behaviour. You handled it with aplomb, I would have been pitching a shit-fit.

TheOddity · 23/03/2016 22:23

No, you were spot on to say "I like pizza" because that was the point really wasn't it? She had been so self absorbed with her relationship with DS up to that point that she hadn't given the other people in the group a second thought. Fair enough it was his birthday but really it's not hard to just check beforehand is it? Typical kind of thing that gets people riled about MILs on mumsnet, weird matriarchal behaviour in the DIL's home.

Clawdy · 23/03/2016 22:23

YABVU. I would love it if family brought food - any food would be more than welcome!

SylviaWrath · 23/03/2016 22:24

I don't see the problem. You order your pizzas, she and your DH can eat her stuff, which they like. Everyone is happy, no-one has to get upset.
What is the issue?

StealthPolarBear · 23/03/2016 22:40

Hound I am definitely not thinking of stotties. I live in stotties land

shazzarooney99 · 23/03/2016 22:42

My dad used to do stovies with potatoes,onions and sausage meat, pukes.......

Fizrim · 23/03/2016 23:06

I had relatives who did this - it was done on the basis of 'not bothering me' so if they came for lunch they would bring all the food. I thought it had gone a bit far when they started bringing a small supply of teabags with them (I can make food and tea ...) but what actually hit home for them was when we had some visitors, the food-bringing relatives were also present and offered my guests a cup of tea and then reeled off the teabags available finishing off with 'and x brand, which we brought with us'. I think the combination of saying it out loud and the jaw-dropping reaction of the guests made them realise how rude it was.

If I am invited to a family gathering at home, I do ask if there is anything I can bring but if they say no, I don't take anything as it used to annoy me so much!

EastMidsMummy · 23/03/2016 23:11

If I had to choose between takeaway pizza and reheated leftovers as my birthday meal 'treat', I would start Being Unreasonable.

HoundoftheBaskervilles · 24/03/2016 00:09

Just saw your post Stealth, I assumed a stovie/stottie mix-up, if not I have absolutely no idea!

Stove-top scones maybe?

notonyurjellybellynelly · 24/03/2016 04:26

Stovies are made with roast beef and mash! not corned beef

I prefer it with corned beef, or mince. But will have a go at the roast beef ones.

notonyurjellybellynelly · 24/03/2016 04:30

Cooking for each other is a way my family express and communicate. My OH is of Lebanese heritage and is also a trained chef, everyone in my family loves good food. If we have a family celebration food id a big part of that. We eat a wide range of food, but for a family birthday there would usually be several days planning and preparation.Pizza would not hit the spot, we tend to have the table groaning with home made stuff

Yep, thats us as well. Both from my Scottish side and my husband's ME side.

We've got 9 immediate family birthdays over the next 2 weeks - we've been planning the menu's for a month now. Grin

FindoGask · 24/03/2016 05:25

"Stovies are made with roast beef and mash! not corned beef!"

As Olly says it depends where in Scotland you are and what your family traditions are. I've seen them made with corned beef more often than not. Some people make them with sausages. My husband makes them with whatever the roast was the day before; lamb is a favourite. I can take them or leave them, perhaps being English and not having grown up with them, I don't get the love people have for them up here. My husband and two daughters go crazy for them.

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