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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Is it rude to bring over an entire meal when you're invited round to someone's house for tea?

250 replies

TeamStark · 23/03/2016 15:44

Just wondering what opinions are.

We have invited four of DH's relatives round to our house for an informal gathering, to celebrate his birthday. We said in the invite that we would order take away - this is what we usually do when we ask people around to ours. We like having a nice take away once in awhile as a treat, saves us the trouble of cooking for several adults, not a big deal.

One of DH's family members has taken it upon herself to make homemade soup and stovies for "4-5 people", and is bringing it over tonight. She has also bought oatcakes, and a birthday cake for DH. We asked her for none of these. We were looking forward to ordering pizzas.

Rude? Sweetly overeager?

We will be accepting the food graciously, FWIW, especially since she's already gone and made it, but AIBU to feel a bit put-off that I invited her to my house and she's up and decided to do the feeding?

Said family member does this quite frequently, btw. Shows up at my kids' birthday celebrations with a cake in a box from Tesco, when I specifically tell her I will make a cake. And shows up with platters of tuna and egg sandwiches when I tell her I will order/make/serve a dinner.

OP posts:

nocabbageinmyeye · 23/03/2016 16:27

Just say you had ordered on JustEat.ie already & paid so you'll be having both, ask her if she wants to take it home for her dinner tomorrow or will you keep it for a dinner during the week, feck that, stovies look like a December dinner it's spring, pizza all the way

shazzarooney99 · 23/03/2016 16:28

Maybe she thought you could have on top with your pizza, and euggh at stovies they are my worst nightmare! I would order the pizza anyway and put the soup and the stoavies on and then if anyone wants some they can help themselves.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 23/03/2016 16:28

I would text/call her and say "There seems to have been a bit of miscommunication - we've invited you all over to have pizza with us, to celebrate dh's birthday - you really don't need to cook or bring anything apart from yourself!"

Or just go ahead and order the pizza anyway, and look innocent when she asks why you are doing so -"well - that's what we said we were going to do..."

HeadDreamer · 23/03/2016 16:30

I can't believe so many of you doesn't like a good home cooked meal. I'll be delighted if someone offered this when I'm going to get takeaways.

Or maybe I'm just weird?

Secondtimeround75 · 23/03/2016 16:30

If she doesn't like pizza she could eat before coming & have cake with ye.

She is being controlling and your Dh needs to nip it asapMy Dh didn't and now dreads her calling. She got worse as the years passed. It's now just the way things are and very stressful.

SanityClause · 23/03/2016 16:30

I know the received wisdom on MN is "his mother; he should deal", but I have actually found that I can deal with MIL better than DH, because her tried and true guilt trips don't work on me.

Whitney168 · 23/03/2016 16:31

Whitney - then you don't accept an invite over for pizza, or you say "oh, I don't like pizza, is it ok if I bring something different for myself?" not "I don't like pizza, so no one should eat it."

Oh agree - although were they specifically invited for pizza or just generic 'takeaway', which they might have thought would be something they'd like? I'd just go with the flow and eat a bit of pizza for politeness, but some are much fussier LOL.

Original poster

TeamStark · 23/03/2016 16:31

Welp, the update from DH is: "She's made them because she knows I love them, and I go on and on at her, asking her to make them." He did not ask her to make stovies tonight, but is very pleased she did.

So, while I am still a bit miffed, I'm on my own this time. IRL, it's just me with my wifely nose out of joint.

We're going to scale back the pizza order, to make sure there's enough food to feed everyone.

OP posts:

firesidechat · 23/03/2016 16:31

Erm I love a good home cooked meal. That does not look like a good home cooked meal.

LizzieMacQueen · 23/03/2016 16:31

Is she of the generation that won't eat pizza? (thinking of my 85 yo dad here...)

Original poster

TeamStark · 23/03/2016 16:33

So yeah, we are proceeding tonight the way shazarooney suggested. Thanks for the support, though!

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 23/03/2016 16:33

Ah-ha! I thought it might be a "little boy birthday" thing.

But in the future, deffo try the very specific request for foodstuff. If she'll never ever arrive empty-handed, you may as well play it to your advantage.

Duckdeamon · 23/03/2016 16:34

Mummy's boy!

SuburbanRhonda · 23/03/2016 16:34

Why do people feel the need to post that they wouldn't like takeaway pizza? It's not your birthday so it matters not one bit what you'd like to eat.

SanityClause · 23/03/2016 16:34

Oh well if it's what he would prefer, that's fine.

Unless he's just being polite, and would prefer pizza but didn't want to say no to his mother.

StrictlyMumDancing · 23/03/2016 16:34

I'd still order the pizza and defiantly eat it in front of her without touching her food, whilst saying 'we said we were ordering pizza' and 'don't worry about your food going to waste, its freezable' as innocently as possibly.

StrictlyMumDancing · 23/03/2016 16:35

Oh sorry, cross posted!

emilybohemia · 23/03/2016 16:37

It stops you playing 'host' I think which can be a great pleasure, that's why I think it's unfair.

CakeNinja · 23/03/2016 16:37

I thought stovies would be a savoury scone bready type thing. At least that sort of goes with soup. I would be very disappointed to have to eat that

When she arrives, you can say "thanks, but we are ordering a takeaway as I said so you are welcome to eat your food or take it back with you later." The end.

tharsheblows · 23/03/2016 16:38

My mom does this. I tell her not to bring anything then do whatever it was I was going to do. I either give her her food to take back home or put it in the fridge for later. I did lose it a few years ago I think so now I'm "difficult" and she's much better about it although she still tries it on occasionally. (I can handle being difficult! It's very useful :) )

It did take a while though and it is totally and completely a control thing! It's eased up now but used to drive me nuts. You will have to offend her by not accepting what she brings for anything to change; at least that was the case for me.

Janecc · 23/03/2016 16:38

Deffo your money, your choice. Sounds just like my mother. No boundaries: Gotta love her???!!?
Is this you MIL? You never answered.

tharsheblows · 23/03/2016 16:40

Missed the update! Hope no matter what that it's a good night.

MaxPepsi · 23/03/2016 16:42

well I never, I always thought stovies was bread of some description, so thanks for the education.

bungmean · 23/03/2016 16:44

Ooh I'm torn. I love stovies, but I love pizza.

misses point of thread

HowBadIsThisPlease · 23/03/2016 16:46

yes she is definitely being PA about the food not being home made.
I would just order the pizza anyway, serve both, and if there's leftovers, have them another time.
However - in answer to the question - yes it is extremely rude, unless she asked you in advance and you were grateful and agreed. And the form the asking in advance should take is "when you're having people over, would you like me to bring an a, a b, or a c?" and then do as you're told. It's not "I'm bringing a and b"

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