Is it rude to bring over an entire meal when you're invited round to someone's house for tea?

[TeamStark]

Just wondering what opinions are.

We have invited four of DH's relatives round to our house for an informal gathering, to celebrate his birthday. We said in the invite that we would order take away - this is what we usually do when we ask people around to ours. We like having a nice take away once in awhile as a treat, saves us the trouble of cooking for several adults, not a big deal.

One of DH's family members has taken it upon herself to make homemade soup and stovies for "4-5 people", and is bringing it over tonight. She has also bought oatcakes, and a birthday cake for DH. We asked her for none of these. We were looking forward to ordering pizzas.

Rude? Sweetly overeager?

We will be accepting the food graciously, FWIW, especially since she's already gone and made it, but AIBU to feel a bit put-off that I invited her to my house and she's up and decided to do the feeding?

Said family member does this quite frequently, btw. Shows up at my kids' birthday celebrations with a cake in a box from Tesco, when I specifically tell her I will make a cake. And shows up with platters of tuna and egg sandwiches when I tell her I will order/make/serve a dinner.

Squirrels I thought that about the amount of food vs people- is that a dig by the mil

"No, thanks Mum, TeamStark has got this covered, we've decided on pizza. Thanks for the offer but it's not needed."

That's all that H has to say. Unless his balls are one of the ingredients of stovies which is why he appears to be a little short of them himself...

Did "soup & stovies" happen to be DH's "favourite birthday tea" growing up? Is it a nostalgia thing?

Those stovies in the picture on page 1 look like no stovies I've ever seen before. It looks more like dry mince and tatties with veg.

Proper stovies are the food of the gods and way better than Pizza any day of the week. And to be honest I'd be non too impressed if someone gave me a takeaway Pizza as a meal. I wouldn't be able to eat it because they're horrible.

But soup and stovies - yum yum.

Bleurgh.

I don't see why you'd make it a full blown confrontation when you can just sidestep the issue by ordering pizza anyway. It's not like she's trying to usurp a meal the OP and her dh have spent hours making.

Maybe she just hates takeaway pizza and would like another option. (I'm the same.) Order your pizza, heat up her stuff for her if she wants it, and if anyone else does, then just get on and have a nice evening.

mince and tats then = stoves :) - weird never heard of it but looks kinda yummy

say to her you are ordering pizza as thats wht dh wants

say if she wants to bring a desert, that would be fab

agree it's rude and about power - if she'll witter on about wasted food, give her a call in advance, tell her you've got a voucher that has to be used up this week for pizza, so you're going to go ahead with the pizza plan, but you are sure her food can be frozen and you thought you can have a chat about dates when she's over tonight to find a date you can come over and have that soup and stovies at her house - but you are struggling for fridge space so please don't bring it here, it'll end up going to waste...

Googe images is full of pics of stovies. The one I picked was the most appealing!

It's rude and controlling. If she insists on bringing it, I'd order pizza anyway for the number of people who want it.

Bit of an odd menu. I would thank her but say you are ordering pizza. No emotion, just stated as a fact.

Whitney - then you don't accept an invite over for pizza, or you say "oh, I don't like pizza, is it ok if I bring something different for myself?" not "I don't like pizza, so no one should eat it." (That's the sort of mentallity my mum has, sadly, she genuinely thinks she's doing you a favour to point out food with flavour she doesn't like isn't 'nice'. She can't get her head round anyone eating something she wouldn't because they want to eat it, not because they are being polite....)

Posted too soon due to my love of Marie from Everybody Loves Raymond.

I would serve the soup and stovies for her but get pizza for everyone else. My DM has never eaten a full plate of food that I've made, there's always something wrong with something on the plate (onions/mince/too spicy) even though she will eat the same things at home. Usually accompanied by a comment about how it was lovely but just not how she likes it!

I've just realised I'm Debra from Everybody Loves Raymond.

I've just googled stovies. They all look like the picture.

Not saying that they aren't fine in their place, but for a birthday? It's the kind of thing my husband might think was great for a mid week meal. He loves his one pot cooking.

Rude and your DH should deal with MiL and, since she has form, make it 100% clear to her that he'd prefer that she not bring food to your house (except for herself if she dislikes what's on offer), that he and you are organising the refreshments and that said refreshments are what will be served.

Then if she brings it anyway stick it in the fridge/cupboard.

So what if she gets huffy?

Well, I had no idea that's what stovies were. I thought they were a sort of potato cake thing.

I've just googled stovies and to be fair the photo posted was probably one of the more appetising looking ones on Google. One in particular looked like cat sick in a bowl.

I do love stovies mind you!

SiL has done this kind of thing to relatives a couple of times: with her it's not a controlling thing but a hang up about not wanting to "put people out" or waste her household's food. It seriously offends our GMIL!

I don't mind a pudding off some people as they make great puddings. But I would fee the soup and the stovies.

Done more googling and apparently you can have stovies, you can even have stovy soup, but no mention of stovies and soup. So it's an odd combo whichever way you look at it.

Who is paying for the takeaway?

I'd let DH put his mum right and if she still turns up with the stovies, tell her thanks but the pizzas are already on their way.

She's passive aggressively telling you that you need to cook your own food when you invite guests over, btw.

Dinosaurs if you are invited over to celebrate your ds' birthday it's pretty weird to refuse on the basis that you don't like pizza. Yes, she probably should only ask to bring food for herself but to some people that would seem even ruder.

Honestly, nod, smile and ignore.

Def a control thing. Sounds like you are going to give in graciously this time which I think is the sensible course of action for now. However, next time, I would invite her and then make it clear by saying "we are planning xx to eat and I will be doing all the catering. Please do not bring anything to eat. If you want to make a contribution then a bottle of wine/box of choices/biscuits to go with cheese (delete as appropriate) would be absolutely lovely thank you." This kind of take over move would seriously piss me off.

"It's very kind of you, but DH was looking forward to pizza for his birthday treat. Perhaps another time?"