AIBU...to not like DP's sister?

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DP and I have been together almost 5 years, we live together and got engaged last year. Very happy. All good.

This weekend his parents and sister and her husband are coming to stay for the whole bank holiday weekend and I am dreading it, mainly because of his sister.

It's really hard for me to say why, as it isn't like she's outwardly nasty. However, she is just incredibly self absorbed, she literally makes no effort to enquire about ANYONE else or their life. Just sits there and waits to be asked about hers and then happily sits, talking about herself.

It became apparent very quickly when I first met her and the rest of his family that she is absolutely adored and fawned over 24/7. She is the centre of the family's universe and everyone else is expected to make her the centre of theirs too.

I have known this woman for 5 years and I can honestly say that in that time she has barely spoken to me. She knows absolutely nothing about me nor is she interested. Which is fine, I don't expect people to have an avid interest in me or my life, however, I'm also not particularly interested in her or her life but when we're left alone in a room together or see each other at a family gathering/meal etc, it would be a bit awkward if we didn't speak. So, I make conversation with her, chat about anything and everything really, but mostly I ask her Q's about her DD, or her job, how's the house renovating going etc etc. Just general, everyday polite chit chat. Because, you know, that's what most 'normal' human beings do don't they?!

It's really difficult to explain, but events have been cancelled before, events that are quite big and have taken months of planning, because she's 'tired' and doesn't want to attend. So instead of just going ahead without her, the whole thing gets cancelled. Because the world doesn't turn unless she's there, when in actual fact, she doesn't really add much at all, just sits there murmuring 'hmm' 'umm' at conversations, until it (inevitably) turns to focus on her and then you can't shut her up.

18 months ago, DP got a promotion at work and we had to move a couple of hours drive away. This has kinda made things worse between her and I as instead of just seeing her for a couple of hours, I have to see her for a whole weekend or more. I find it exhausting.

SIL has invited herself down to stay 8 times in the last 18 months. This will be the 9th time and I really am dreading it.

For a start the mess- honestly, every single room is strewn with clothes, hers, her husbands and DDs. Their DD is now 2 and very cute, but obviously with small children/ toddlers comes mess. The kitchen walls and floor are covered in food after every meal. There is dirty nappys left in the kitchen bin (vom) that we don't know about until they start smelling. Last time they came SIL let DD play with play dough.....all over a cream carpet. Go figure. SIL asks for multiple cups of tea/ waters/ juices all day and afterwards, the rooms are strewn with dirty cups, mugs and glasses.

I wouldn't mind about any of the above if it was a guest that was occasional, I. E a TRUE guest. I enjoy looking after guests, but really, after all this time she can't even stick a cup in the dishwasher after it's been used?! I'm not her maid, but that's exactly how I feel.

I get married in September, my MOH is yet to receive an RSVP to my hen. SIL has barely spoken to me about the wedding. She has always treated me with such disdain, like I'm not a permanent fixture. I could understand it if pre me, DP was a player and had a different girl every week, but he only had a few other girl friends before me and they only lasted a year or so. He certainly didn't live with or propose to any of them.

I have 2 brothers, I haven't always been fond of their girlfriends, however you'd never have known, as whether I liked them or not I was still polite and friendly and made conversation where I could.

I guess it's been 5 years and most of the time, especially since we've moved away, I don't really give her a second thought. DP talks about her and tells me what she's been up to etc a lot and I just make the right noises. It is easy for me to just forget about her. But on weeks like this, where I am due to be in her company for 3-4 days at a time, I just feel really resentful and exhausted at the prospect of having to 'entertain' her as a guest. Why should I make the effort to make her welcome in my home when she can barely bring herself to acknowledge me? Well, in fact that's all she does.

It's strange, because we're actually very similar people. There is only 2 years age difference between us, we're both sociable types with lots of friends (sorry that sounds bleurgh I know!) we like the same music, both like to have a drink and a laugh. Yet, she's just never been arsed about getting to know me, at first it made me feel like crap, now it just makes me feel angry and resentful that I have to be all sweetness and light to her.

So.....WIBU to feign an illness and hide in the bedroom all weekend to avoid her and having to listen to no doubt everyone sitting there discussing only her and what she's been doing and what she feels for hours on end?! (Mostly joking about the feigning illness part!)

Has anyone else got a SIL that makes no effort or practically blanks them for no apparent reason? If so, how do you deal with it?

You need to talk to your dp before he becomes your dh. You don't have to slag her off, just make it clear that you find the relationship difficult and would a) like him to take on more of the work of entertaining her b) would like to see less of her (fewer, shorter visits).

If you can't agree on that then I'd be very wary of marrying him.

You don't have to slag her off, but you're perfectly entitled to say that you don't like the mess she leaves around or the fact that she doesn't pitch in, while she's staying, nor do you like that her staying seems to be a done thing and your agreement doesn't appear to come into it. The last point would even stand if you got on really well with her. It's possible to state facts without giving interpretations eg of being a golden child.

"DH, your sister is a spoilt slob who is pandered to far too much." = slagging off
"DH, when your sister stays, she leaves such a lot of mess and doesn't treat our house with respect and I am not comfortable with that." = not slagging off.

DHTB, rather!

I think if you have a word with your DP, keeping it to the practical stuff like not using the kitchen bin for nappies and not leaving dirty cups all over the house, that might go better? Don't single out the sister, particularly, just ask him to have a word with 'the guests.'

If you struggle when you have a conversation with her, just don't. I know awkward silences are awkward, but maybe SHE needs to feel a bit awkward for a change. Or you could just leave the room "excuse me, just got to make a quick phone call."

Did I read it right that they are only a couple of hours away but are staying the whole weekend?

For the love of God why?

Do you not want time as a couple?

I can't believe you havent spoken to your DP about this. As a pp said, my DH knows exactly what I think about every member of his family (mostly good).

How can you even think it's not OK to sort this out? You need to get your DH on board. Surely you don't have to have them staying every other months, when your DH is seeing them regularly anyway. You are entitled not to have your house turned upside down and food smeared over walls etc, why aren't you pulling her up on this with a bright "excuse me, I have to run upstairs, here's a cloth, please can you clear this mess up!"

If you allow this to go on, what is a small problem will turn into a massive one. Can't you say to your DP... "isn't it strange that DSis knows absolutely nothing about me, yet I know everything about her! I do try to talk about myself occasionally but she never lets me!"

I just couldn't bite my tongue on anything like this. As soon as the door had closed and they were gone, I'd be saying to my DH "look at the fucking mess they've left, I'm furious!"

I sympathise - my SIL is also very self-absorbed and happy to talk about herself for hours while not asking me a single question - ever.

I take comfort in the fact that I have my own family and that I don't have to see her that often. I have also given up trying to have an equal relationship and discount her (as much as possible) in my head.

My SIL (dh's SIL) treats me like this and dh has noticed but says just to ignore her. That's easier said than done. I'm glad I'm not the only one.
They sound like a family who live in each other's pockets. That's a ridiculous amount of visits when they live not very far away. The comments made by your ILs when you dared to be away for a hen weekend really annoy me. I've had similar but I've developed a thick skin over the years. I ALWAYS make a point of organising something when my ILs come and I don't care what they think. I suggest you do the same. My friends are always willing to go on a night out to let me escape!

Tell her, tell them ALL to pick up after themselves.

Remind them that this is your home too and you'd appreciate them not trashing it or treating it (and you) with the contempt they currently show.

To you op, you think this shit will get any better after your shackled to him?

In the age old words of MN, you have a DP problem.

Tell him if he makes arrangements, he does all the preparation. If that's too much for him then premier inn is a good shout.

If you don't sort this now, when do you think it will magically resolve itself? Hmm?

That sounds so grim - yes, hide yourself away with some unspecified virus.
I don't dislike my SIL at all - she's a nice woman - but I have nothing in common with her to the extent that conversation can be awkward. But at least DH feels the same way.

Re her not liking me, that's fine. But then she really is a complete dick as I have never been anything but polite and friendly towards her in all these years. From day 1!

Why does that make her a dick?

I can think of a couple of people I can't stand but they're polite to me and vice versa. Especially if they're marrying into the family.

I think you know why you haven't ever spoken to him about this. Its because you're scared he will take her side over you, and tell you you're being ridiculous. And tbh from the way you have described him and his relationship with his family, i suspect that's probably what will happen.

A big red flag for me is his family being snippy with you for not being there when they visited a couple of times, and the fact that he backed them up and joined in! WTF? Bizarre behaviour on his part, he should have just said to them that you were otherwise engaged and that no you weren't snubbing them, end of story?

As other posters have said, you do need to talk to him, but i can understand your trepidation. At present its just annoying to you, but is not actively a problem in your relationship. Once you bring this out into the open, regardless of how you phrase it, there's no putting the genie back in the bottle. And if he doesn't support you wholeheartedly and try to help you manage the relationship with his sister so you're all happy, (which is totally possible) then you are going to have a very big DH problem.

Sorry, been busy actually (shock horror) working would you believe

To the poster who said she's shy. No. She's absolutely not shy. She's one of the loudest people I have ever met. I have a couple of friends who you would consider 'shy' whilst they may not be comfortable initiating conversation, if spoken to and enquired after, they will happily partake and have some sort of sense of decorum and common decency so would politely (if awkwardly) enquire after the other person too. To just sit there with a look of 'you're so beneath me, I can't bring myself to speak to you' is just urgh!

Ha, yes you did read that right diddi!! That's another reason why I'm a bit aggregated by the whole thing. WHY do they have to see each other so much? DP is a contractor and has been working on a project not too far from where we used to live (where they live) since Feb. In that time, he has seen them
LOADS as often pops round after work and stays over or stays on a Fri night and comes back up here Sat afternoon etc. Great. So why does she want to come down here for 4 days this weekend? And why 4 days? Whenever they come, they have to stay at least 2-3 days. What's wrong with just coming for a day or 2 and then go back? It's just too much and too intense for me.

I am not bridezilla by any means and am actually pretty chilled out about my impending wedding, however, I showed so much interest in hers and helped out loads. She's honestly barely spoken of mine. It's just rude.

Yes, it is rude Shop and you have to sort it (with your DH initially)

He needs to disengage!

I mean really two hrs is a day trip!

It sounds like she sees you as beneath her notice. All your running around and helping her, serving her if you like is probably adding to her sense of entitlement.

It worries me that you are concerned about speaking to your DP about her and that he's not supportive. I know a couple of women whose lives are completely overshadowed by horrible in-laws. Be careful about marrying into a family who will not treat you as a member after 5 years.

Even if you got on well with them all, I mean jeez, he's seen them a lot just lately so the whole extended weekend just seems too much.

Especially as you haven't seen him a lot!

Where do you fit in?

Do you count at all??

Even if he were to do all the entertaining it's still your house & impacting on you.

It all sounds very needy on his part & claustrophobic in general.

There's no point in sugar coating it - this is what his family is like. He may come to see that one day, or he may not. In the meantime, you will have to live with it.

He thinks the sun moon and stars shine out of her arse, because that has been the script in his family from the time he or she was born (whichever is the elder). He is very unlikely to ever question it, because to him it is perfectly normal.

If you don't assert yourself a little, nothing will change. If you do, it might. (Then again, it might not.) Can you live being second fiddle to his sister all your married life? If so, go for it.

If you do want to try asserting yourself, then the way to go about it is, be honest.

If he says, "are you going to show your face this weekend" say, "oh, I thought I'd go out for a bit - your sister doesn't really like me much, so I thought I'd leave you to it". Make sure he picks up after her. He's the one that wants her there - he makes the effort. Get him to cook, to make up and strip the beds, and to "host" generally.

If you are stuck in a room with her, don't try to make polite conversation. If it's silent, let it be. If she wants to yabber on about herself, make polite little uninterested noises.

There was a similar, but different dynamic in my DH's family when we married. Things have changed now, and DH sees his relatives differently, which has improved things between us. However, if I had to make the choice now, knowing what it would be like, I think I would tell my younger self that it probably isn't worth the heartache.

Sorry to be so neg.

I think you're going to have to start speaking up and being direct. Understandably, you'd prefer to not have bad feeling between you and DP and don't want to stir things up, this is why you've not said anything before and have suffered in silence. But as you are marrying them him, this needs to change. There is no need to slag her off at all.

Direct request to DP, along the lines of 'could you possibly encourage your family to muck in, pick up after themselves and not use the kitchen bin for nappies?' Keep it simple and specific. No need to mention the irritation etc just one simple, direct request.

Direct cheery comment to SIL 'right, that's enough about you! Ask me a question. Go on, any question you like!' If she then looks or doesn't say anything 'do you realise you've never actually done that, asked me about myself?'

Or.... 'Sil, it's time we got to know each other properly, after all we are going to be family come September. Now let's see, we have quite a few things in common, I like this band you like them too, we both ...blah. I'd love to know if you Is there anything you'd like to know about me?' All done with a big friendly and in front of the others, especially DP. I think we'd call it passive-aggressive, but it may be what's needed here. 'Would you mind terribly putting your dirty cups in the dishwasher? That would be so helpful.' Big Just say whatever you want to say to her in an incredibly friendly manner.

Don't engage in a general slag-off. Select your points carefully, e.g. ask for:-

-no more agreeing weekend visitors without asking you, it is unfair;
-fewer visits, because the visits are too frequent and take up too many of your weekends;
-no nappies in the kitchen bin, SIL and BIL to please keep on top of their mess.

And you also have to be fairly straight: you and SIL are very different, there is no real affinity there, so you won't always be prepared to be around for the whole weekend.

I'll be blunt: stop trying with her. My sister's SIL is like this, down to the never asking about anyone else because she can't care less. My sister makes no effort now, because there is no effort coming the other way. She is never rude, quite friendly in fact, but she wouldn't walk across a small room to give her SIL a hand, as she has been snubbed and ignored too many times.

Hi OP.

Actually, I think you need to focus on you and DP.

The sister is what she is, as is the family. The problem I see is that you haven't talked to your DP about it/them in FIVE YEARS.

Why? How??

How can you have all these thoughts and feelings over such a long period and never have talked about it with the person you are planning to MARRY? You have moved in with him, got engaged to him and plan to marry him, but you are unable to have a basic conversation with him about something which has such a major effect on you and your life?

This is a terrible idea. Seriously. Choosing to share your life with someone you cannot communicate with is a seriously bad idea. I really think you need to take a long hard look at why you have got yourself into this position. It's really unhealthy for you.

I've been in this situation. I dealt with it so badly. First I ignored it hoping they would warm up to me. They didn't and it got worse and worse till I cracked and we all had a big disagreement. We ended up having the same big disagreement about 10 times before I finally decided I had to cut contact. My DH had gradually seen what I ŵas going through. I haven't asked that he cut contact, but he now supports me very obviously and that does mean that his relationship with his family is damaged.
If I could change anything I would go back in time and tackle it head on.

Could you just accept that that is her very dysfunctional way of relating to people. It says nothing about you. She is lacking that good social gene..her problem.
About the tidying up. When l first married dh we went to stay with his dsis. I went to bed and he stayed up watching football on his own. He obviously made tea and left stuff around. Next morning she tore a strip off him for not tidying up after himself. I didn't get involved. It was between them. They do have a good open relationship though. Your dh needs to say something about the mess. Maybe don't clean up. Just leave it. And be ou t when they're leaving so either dh or them will have to leave things as they were.

How can you have all these thoughts and feelings over such a long period and never have talked about it with the person you are planning to MARRY?

Totally agree. This is the issue here. You are taking a subservient position just by failing to talk to him. You are subordinating your feelings before even you open your mouth. It really is vital that before you get married, you have the sort of relationship which means you talk to eachother. You don't want to be in the sort of marriage where you 'hold your tongue', and this is exactly what you are doing now.

What are you scared of? If you are scared that DP is going to side with his family, then this is something you NEED to know. You need to know which way it will go. Don't avoid the issue, then get married knowing that you are not sure about his loyalty. You need to be sure of his loyalty now - otherwise It won't end well.