AIBU...to not like DP's sister?

[Shopaholic84]

DP and I have been together almost 5 years, we live together and got engaged last year. Very happy. All good.

This weekend his parents and sister and her husband are coming to stay for the whole bank holiday weekend and I am dreading it, mainly because of his sister.

It's really hard for me to say why, as it isn't like she's outwardly nasty. However, she is just incredibly self absorbed, she literally makes no effort to enquire about ANYONE else or their life. Just sits there and waits to be asked about hers and then happily sits, talking about herself.

It became apparent very quickly when I first met her and the rest of his family that she is absolutely adored and fawned over 24/7. She is the centre of the family's universe and everyone else is expected to make her the centre of theirs too.

I have known this woman for 5 years and I can honestly say that in that time she has barely spoken to me. She knows absolutely nothing about me nor is she interested. Which is fine, I don't expect people to have an avid interest in me or my life, however, I'm also not particularly interested in her or her life but when we're left alone in a room together or see each other at a family gathering/meal etc, it would be a bit awkward if we didn't speak. So, I make conversation with her, chat about anything and everything really, but mostly I ask her Q's about her DD, or her job, how's the house renovating going etc etc. Just general, everyday polite chit chat. Because, you know, that's what most 'normal' human beings do don't they?!

It's really difficult to explain, but events have been cancelled before, events that are quite big and have taken months of planning, because she's 'tired' and doesn't want to attend. So instead of just going ahead without her, the whole thing gets cancelled. Because the world doesn't turn unless she's there, when in actual fact, she doesn't really add much at all, just sits there murmuring 'hmm' 'umm' at conversations, until it (inevitably) turns to focus on her and then you can't shut her up.

18 months ago, DP got a promotion at work and we had to move a couple of hours drive away. This has kinda made things worse between her and I as instead of just seeing her for a couple of hours, I have to see her for a whole weekend or more. I find it exhausting.

SIL has invited herself down to stay 8 times in the last 18 months. This will be the 9th time and I really am dreading it.

For a start the mess- honestly, every single room is strewn with clothes, hers, her husbands and DDs. Their DD is now 2 and very cute, but obviously with small children/ toddlers comes mess. The kitchen walls and floor are covered in food after every meal. There is dirty nappys left in the kitchen bin (vom) that we don't know about until they start smelling. Last time they came SIL let DD play with play dough.....all over a cream carpet. Go figure. SIL asks for multiple cups of tea/ waters/ juices all day and afterwards, the rooms are strewn with dirty cups, mugs and glasses.

I wouldn't mind about any of the above if it was a guest that was occasional, I. E a TRUE guest. I enjoy looking after guests, but really, after all this time she can't even stick a cup in the dishwasher after it's been used?! I'm not her maid, but that's exactly how I feel.

I get married in September, my MOH is yet to receive an RSVP to my hen. SIL has barely spoken to me about the wedding. She has always treated me with such disdain, like I'm not a permanent fixture. I could understand it if pre me, DP was a player and had a different girl every week, but he only had a few other girl friends before me and they only lasted a year or so. He certainly didn't live with or propose to any of them.

I have 2 brothers, I haven't always been fond of their girlfriends, however you'd never have known, as whether I liked them or not I was still polite and friendly and made conversation where I could.

I guess it's been 5 years and most of the time, especially since we've moved away, I don't really give her a second thought. DP talks about her and tells me what she's been up to etc a lot and I just make the right noises. It is easy for me to just forget about her. But on weeks like this, where I am due to be in her company for 3-4 days at a time, I just feel really resentful and exhausted at the prospect of having to 'entertain' her as a guest. Why should I make the effort to make her welcome in my home when she can barely bring herself to acknowledge me? Well, in fact that's all she does.

It's strange, because we're actually very similar people. There is only 2 years age difference between us, we're both sociable types with lots of friends (sorry that sounds bleurgh I know!) we like the same music, both like to have a drink and a laugh. Yet, she's just never been arsed about getting to know me, at first it made me feel like crap, now it just makes me feel angry and resentful that I have to be all sweetness and light to her.

So.....WIBU to feign an illness and hide in the bedroom all weekend to avoid her and having to listen to no doubt everyone sitting there discussing only her and what she's been doing and what she feels for hours on end?! (Mostly joking about the feigning illness part!)

Has anyone else got a SIL that makes no effort or practically blanks them for no apparent reason? If so, how do you deal with it?

op if any of his family accidentally asks you a question about yourself, fall over yourself exclaiming about how LOVELY it is that they've enquired, how wonderfully KIND, before you answer. If they're being PA then so can you.....

YY to going out shopping or somewhere without them tomorrow. Find something you "have to" do.

Or next time you need to fill the silence - your SIL fills silences by talking about herself. Clearly then this is acceptable behaviour to talk about oneself.

Next time, fill the silence by talking about yourself. Let's face it SIL doesn't wait for you to ask about her - maybe that isn't how it works in their family? Just launch into whatever gripping thing you have been doing, I know I could talk about my wedding plans for hours whether people wanted me to or not.

Don't wait to be asked. It isn't going to happen. You are going to have to make your own luck.

littleleftie yes, read the full thread. The SIL is just 1 person. She's off key but she certainly wouldn't by my focus in this way. When OH's sis and her daughter are around I don't sit there zooming in on them. I can be on tablet, read, be in the kitchen at times, join in some parts of conversation but not all..and have done what some previous PPs have done ie go round to shops, take my time. OH can mostly entertain/keep them occupied, why not? Its not all about them, to me. Likewise Im sure Im not their main focus either. Im polite but thats about it. As said if SIL to be is such a bother to the mind then, don't marry the brother simple as that

Although Im always about the volume of posts on here where women are with a man who seems to be welded to either his sister, or his mum. I don't know a single person in RL who lives like that, honestly. But surely if you meet and get with a man then his sis & mum are constantly around you'd backtrack, after all it would seem pretty odd, wouldn't it? Most offputting. Getting with the man and then the whole battle about parent/siblings..Im tired at the thought of all that.

As to the rest about parents fawning over their adult child - not good but thats their business I wouldn't make this aspect my focus either

I feel sorry for your niece, being commented on all the time, poor child. You could ask dp if its possible pils trrated sil this way a generation back?

Its funny the way families get so stuck in the oddest dynamics. Probably very hard for your dp to unlearn, or even to see enough to want to unlearn.

Re the frequency and the objecting to your absence - might you be the 'audience' that validates their sense of their own fabulousness?

Sorry, I didn't mean to suggest you were actually sulking, just that this could easily be seen as the case if you're struggling or isolating yourself.
Many people who describe themselves as shy can be easily described by others as rude or standoffish.
I think you're b u necause it really isn't clear what she has done that is so terrible imo. It seems to be largely your personal slant on the situation.
But then I am a lone voice on this so worry not.

Sounds like my dsis, dh and I have been known to hide in the garage when she's here. She turns up monthly to be waited on for an Auntie session (her words) and clearly thinks she's doing us a favour!
It's amazing how many things we find to do outside when she's here...
Sadly the dcs love her and enjoy her visits bloody kids

You have my sympathies OP.

If you can't stand the silence - put the radio on.

Unless the OP is in Scotland, she won't be able to go shopping tomorrow as its Easter Sunday and the shops will be shut.

You really need to speak to your DH tonight, don't put it off until they have gone home, start off with something gentle like have you noticed that your sister never asks me anything about me? or mention that you always have to instigate the conversation with her. If he gets defensive about her, tell him to watch how she interacts with you tomorrow.

If you really love and want to marry this man you need to start weaning him off being so kiss ass to his family.

I am fuming as I swear he's avoiding me and I swear that's because he knows I'm going to have a word. However, him actively avoiding me in front of his family, just reiterates to them that I'm not important.

and you think this 'man' is good enough to be your husband?

are you so desperate to be wanted that you'll put up with this kind of shit? Just because he's not abusive in the same way as your ex does NOT mean he is a good man. your dp is abusive in his own way and you're ignoring all the red flags.

where's your backbone? why don't YOU feel like YOU and YOUR feelings matter - especially in your own HOME? why are you acting and being all submissive and constantly enabling them?

i wouldn't take that kind of shit from anyone - especially people who were sitting in MY home. why are you constantly asking them about themselves? You're enalbing their rudeness. Ask them once and that's it. If they don't inquire after you or dp - make it obvious. i would point blank - in front of your dp - ask sil and pil why they ignore and show no interest in you or your life. Point blank ask sil why she is so rude - and give her examples if she needs them. when they start raving about sil, ask them about dp's childhood.

you don't HAVE to put up with how they treat you. you need to stand up for yourself because your dp has already told and shown you that he doesn't think you matter enough to be considered. and if you don't want to hang out with them - you don't have to. let them bitch about it, if they do it to your face then what's stopping you from telling them honestly why? if your dp makes nasty, passive agressive remarks then tell him straight that his family treat you like shit and you don't want to hang out with them.

your ex was abusive. your new dp is not abusive in the same overt way, but the dynamics in your relationship are not healthy. you're too afraid to speak up for yourself, you're too afraid to insist on boundaries in your own HOME. are you afraid that if you set down reasonable rules and healthy boundaries that your dp will choose them over you? if so, it's better to find out sooner rather than later. there are better men out there - ones who are not stuck up their families backside to the detriment of their spouses.

if you don't sort these issues out NOW then prepare to have your wedding spoilt by their antics, be prepared to be treated like shit by them forever - and your future dc - and be prepared to always be second best in your husbands eyes.

How has your day been

Op I feel for you. Fawning over his sister is clearly dp's absolute reality. Skewed as it is , it will make him feel comfortable and happy and he will genuinely find it difficult to believe that you do not feel the same level of happiness around his family if he is like my Dh . What would bother me most in this scenario is tha lack of boundaries, that the whole family consider your house to be their house too.
When you talk to Dh try to link it to concrete examples of behavior, rather than feelings. Might be easier for him to see what you mean.

Tiny silver lining is the clocks go forward tonight.

I love my family and get on well with DH's, I could take this many weekend visitors.

Why do your DP's family feel so entitled in your house, do you think? Do they regard it as 'his' (not that that would make it any better)?

I think you can approach it sensitively, except where the dogs are concerned. You may need to get funny about that and insist they are out.

When you are busy doing something actually ask sil to get everyone a cup of tea as you are busy. Ditto tidying up. You can start with "would you mind pitching in and doing..." There is no way I would be completely running around after people for 4 days while they sat on their arse.

I think they like coming as she is normally run off her feet with a two year old and she enjoys a rest at yours with you running about doing all the boring bits so she just gets the nice part of playing with her dd. The more you run around after her the more often they'll come.

Why don't you go to stay with them? Just say oh it's our turn to come to yours. Go for shorter periods and sit on your arse asking there.

Your ILs sound like mine. There is a hierarchy within the family. In DH's immediate family, it is MIL, PIL, DH. When MIL's toxic sister was alive, if she was there, she would rank above MIL. The toxic sister's DC and then their DC rank above my DH and my DC. I rank below any of them. (There are many other relatives, but you get the picture.)

When we were first together, DH would in effect sacrifice me to MIL, so I would rank lower than him. Therefore, I would be the scapegoat, not him. This is the way his family works, so he couldn't really see that what he was doing was wrong.

Now, DH and I have come a huge way, and he no longer does this. He realises that his family is not normal, and what he was doing was wrong. But, if I had my time again, I don't know if I would have bothered, frankly. This has caused untold arguments, hurt, resentment, not to mention the cost of both relationship counselling, and counselling for just him. It's been a hard road to hoe.

I know you love him, and want to marry him, but there is no easy fix to this situation.

Hey all,

Saffron yes, that's exactly what it is. He has been brought up 'conditioned' to fawn over SIL and knows nothing else. But I guess no one has ever pointed it out to him that it's weird?!

Grapejuice, you've hit the nail on the head really. She's basically admitted that she likes to come up here to have a 'rest' and 'break' from home and let other people run around after her and niece. Which is fine, except it's my home, not a bloody sanctuary retreat and also, she gets SO much help back at home. PIL both retired last year and now basically live at SIL's, as in they are round there almost every day helping SIL with niece etc. Her husband is also incredibly supportive and doting so really, she has a lot of help anyway.

So yesterday we went for a wander around the ol' National Trust property and then for lunch. It was okay, apart from SIL constantly making demands and moaning. One minute she was too hot, cue everyone running around helping her take jumpers and coats off, the next minute she was too cold, cue everyone running around getting coats and jumpers out of buggy & helping her back into them. At lunch, MIL stroking DIL's arm throughout and flapping because she hadn't 'drunk enough' SIL is 30 years old

Anyway, I'm glad to say it was mainly DP running around after them all day and evening. I did pitch in but left him to do the lion's share.

My friend texted me this morning asking if I wanted to walk the dogs and go and get some lunch. I didn't even consider saying no, I'm feeling so claustrophobic.

So, I had a lovely long walk through the countryside and a lovely lunch with my friend and the dogs. I feel so much but better for getting out.

A bit of good news- SIL wants to go back tomorrow morning now instead of afternoon to see one of her friends....so this time tomorrow, I'll have my house back. I cannot wait!

At lunch, MIL stroking DIL's arm throughout and flapping because she hadn't 'drunk enough' SIL is 30 years old

Oh good grief. How do you not point out she is 30 ears old, not 30 months? I'd have flipped my lid by now. Well done on keeping it all in.

It can be tricky to get on with another family, but they don't have to become 'friends'. My SIL and I get on at a very superficial pleasant level, we don't really know each other, which is fine by me. I find this sort of relationship much easier to deal with and maintain.

As an aside, she once announced loudly to a table of my and DPs friends that when she worked in a restaurant she could always tell which customers were vegetarian as they were always overweight, pasty and unhealthy looking. I am vegetarian, which she knew!

Because she is not a friend, and I don't want or need her to be one, I was able to smile sweetly and pretend that I wasn't upset or offended when she apologized to me later on.

The most important thing to me is maintaining a polite relationship with my DPs family, for his benefit. He is the one that matters to me, not them!

PS

Shopaholic84 - She does sound like a complete nightmare!

Oh thank goodness she's leaving early!

And well done for changing the dynamic and going out with your friend and leaving your DP to do all the running around.

Little steps - she's had it completely her way up til now.

You're right Chicken. I have a polite and superficial with my db's wife. However my other SIL barely speaks to me. Dh insists on us all spending time at PIL's beach house in the summer and it's awful staying under the same roof with someone like that.

I don't think you have to be best mates with her, but I don't think you can stop your DP's sister coming to stay if it's what he wants. And I'm a bit weirded out by the posts suggesting that there's something wrong with being close to a sibling. But yes, he should have a word with her over the mess, and he should be doing the legwork of looking after them all.