To cancel DD birthday party?

[TheresHopeYet]

DD is turning 4 and we have a party booked for her in two weeks time .

I handed out invites directly to parents 3 weeks ago with an RSVP date of TODAY!

I have not had a single RSVP. Not one .

It's school holidays here and I do not know the parents well enough to chase them up or have phone numbers etc .

The balance of the party is due today ; it's £140. I have already paid a £20 deposit which I will lose .

If I cancel after paying the balance I will lose the lot .

Would you cancel? I could use the money to take DD away for the weekend instead.

I am worried though that a load of people will turn up at the party and we won't be there

I need to decide today ! Help!

Op we always get invites about 4-6 weeks in advance at dd school. I'm sorry they are such an inconsiderate bunch of parents.

I have never had an invite only 5 or 10 days before.

I hope it works out

I got an invitation on March 10th for a party on April 24th. I replied right away. That's mainly because I've realised that if I don't do it immediately, I'll forget. Not everyone is the same but I can't believe no one from a whole class remembered.

I would have to hand out invites well in advance as it's Ds birthday immediately after returning from the long summer break!

I wouldn't cancel, you'll get people turning up whom it would never occur to to rsvp.

Can I just ask where you are in the world that you have a three-year old at school? Or are you talking about pre-school?

It's only really acceptable to say you don't know what you'll be doing in a month's time if you mean something like "that's the weekend of my dad's 60th birthday, but he hasn't booked the big lunch yet because we don't know precisely when my brother will be able to get leave."

And in that case you could bloody say so and explain to the host that you need to keep the weekend free just in case.

Those who say they don't know what they are doing in 5 weeks actually mean I'm Not going to accept now incase get a better offer

Too bloody right it does.

A lot can happen in 5 weeks. Thinking of a recent example - dh and I went to the Cheltenham races last week. Two days, all expenses paid by my company. I had an offer to go about 2.5 weeks before it.

Last minute Cheltenham offer vs an hour long kiddies party = party loses. Weather or not i'd already RSVP'd.

Believe it or not, your (general your, not necessarily aimed at the op) kids party isn't the be all and end all to everyone invited. And yes, if we get a much better offer in the ridiculously long 5 weeks of notice meantime, we'll be dodging the party and the dc will be taking in a card with a fiver in it to school instead.

Can't watch

Wow it is very telling in this thread that many parents at private schools are "me-people" Money does not necessarily breed decency, only a veneer of naicety

Please try not to take it all too personally.

My dd invited a little girl to her 4th ot 5th birthday party and she did not show or RSVP. I was very miffed and instantly wrote the mum and child off (Mentally). Spin forward 5 years and she is DD's best friend and her mum is an absolute sweetie.

I think once you ask face to face you will quickly see that (hopefully) lots can come, it was just that they RSVPed late.

I am sorry this has happened. It is a total pain and I totally agree with you it is very rude.

Janecc's earlier post, about confidence, confidence, confidence was great, it really does hep if you can muster some. It is not easy, but if you can get in with one of the action organiser mums (I managed this with ds quite by chance) and found myself invited to things which I was not expecting! I am about twice the age of some of the mums and don't fit in really but I managed to meet this lovely mum, invited her for coffee, we hit it off and now I am riding her coat tails!

Can you invite a mum and child home in the next few weeks, before party?

2boysnamedR re - "eat as much as you can as I'm not cooking tonight"!!!!! Bloody hell that is crap. We had one boy at a party who barely spoke English, lost his shoes and was sick. I was so relieved when his dad turned up to pick him up!
I totally like this advice - " I just send out " your invited to party on the afternoon of x date" please rsvp for final details".

I also agree with BobsySpud71 Re "I know you said you're not on Facebook, but I can really recommend signing up, even if it's just to keep in touch for school related issues." This has been very helpful with my son's class. I already have my own friends who I get on very well with and most have a child my dd's age (11) so I was not looking for new friends when our son (now 5) started school, but it is good for him to socialise with his friends so I have met the mummies. Many are young and a lot more glamorous than me but I have been lucky to get in on the Facebook messages and been invited out. They do a lot more than i ever did when DD was small so I don;t do everything but it really does help.

Good luck.

TheresHopeYet re We are fortunate enough that if we do lose the money , we can still take DD out for the day so at least we have a back up plan.

Great, that is very good.

I think you are totally right not to cancel.

Can I also ask if you are new to the area are you hoping to make friends any other way, for you or your dd?

Practising our friend making skills on others could be a way to build your own confidence and if you fin that you will have spaces at the party you could make and invite some new friends.

If you decide this would be a good idea then you may like to try:
A local church that has children's groups, our Church of England one will be having an egg hunt Sunday, there are masses of kids of all ages (this is not true of all churches!)
Churches also sometimes run Easter or summer holiday clubs and local venues may also host other activities like Taekwan-do or ballet 9which can be done from age 4).
Your dd will be eligible for Rainbows in under a year, could you put her name down now and maybe drop in and volunteer a bit there, this would help you make local friends some of whom may have children your dd's age.

The benefits of making friends outside of school for children is great, because even if things do not always go smoothly at school, they have outside friends too. Likewise for you, you can build up friendship groups.

I was VERY shy as a child and young teenager and just decided at 16 I would be more outgoing, it was not easy but I just kind of re-invented myself. You are new to the area so you could do that too. But only if you want to.

Likewise my dd has struggled with some friendships and I have helped her to make friends by making opportunities for her, inviting people back or taking kids out places.

Hope it goes well.

Sorry..

Practising your friend making skills on others could be a way to build your own confidence and if you find that you are going to have spaces at the party you could make and invite some new friends.

Italian: Fab post said what I think. I used to be very shy too.
OP. I still think I would be trying to find out where some of these people live during the holidays by asking around. You may be surprised at who the neighbours know. Can you hang around at the local park on warm days this holiday? You may see some of the kids. Or go for the day to the soft play or really popular destinations close by on day trips. We often bump into classmates around and about.
It really does take time to become known in the community. I know you can't do this one due to work. But I drop off DD and then go dog walking so I know so many people now (I wasn't local). What I'm saying is I totally agree with what Italian said. The more you are seen, the higher profile your DD will get. I don't know if you work full time but if you don't, it's possible to up your profile by getting on the PTA once your DD is at school or even if you do, you could volunteer to help on a stall at a school event.

Minecraftymum, I think it comes down to values, personally.

My child is not allowed to accept any commitment and not keep to it without good reason, because that is such a fundamental character flaw. It's about good manners and good character - self-indulgence and selfishness aren't qualities I admire in others, or want to see in my kids.

"My child is not allowed to accept any commitment and not keep to it without good reason, because that is such a fundamental character flaw. It's about good manners and good character - self-indulgence and selfishness aren't qualities I admire in others, or want to see in my kids."

This ^^.

Minecraftymum

I really dislike people who bail out on others because a better offer has come along. You don't get to keep many friends this way. It is rude and inconsiderate, and extremely arrogant. I expect you will find that invitations will dry up as time goes on as you piss more and more people off, so eventually you won't have a dilemma about which invitation to accept.

Our local Co op is the place to hang out, always see people we know there!

My child is not allowed to accept any commitment and not keep to it without good reason, because that is such a fundamental character flaw. It's about good manners and good character - self-indulgence and selfishness aren't qualities I admire in others, or want to see in my kids.

Absolutely this!

If you can't deal with a 5-weeks--in-advance invitation, be polite and decline. Don't keep others hanging on and on, just in case you might want to turn up. You're honestly not that special. Other people shouldn't be wasting money or stressing about numbers just so you can keep your options open.

As party host to a response like that I would be tempted to say "so, that's a no, then"

I expect you will find that invitations will dry up as time goes on as you piss more and more people off, so eventually you won't have a dilemma about which invitation to accept

[snort]

Not a problem I've experienced so far as i'm not in the habit of 'pissing more and more people off'. My Cheltenham example is just that - it didn't actually happen (well we did go to Cheltenham but it didn't happen to clash with a kids party).

My only point is that sometimes real life will get in the way of your precious's birthday party. And that plenty can happen in 5 weeks...and priorities can change.

My child is not allowed to accept any commitment and not keep to it without good reason, because that is such a fundamental character flaw

That's beautiful rhetoric but not very realistic. And 'without good reason' is hugely subjective.
My kids dance recitals and competitions usually happen with about a months notice. If I received a five-week in advance invite and accepted, then a dance recital was announced, we'd unfortunately have to withdraw the acceptance and decline the party. Because their twice annual dance recital is more important (to them, to me, to their classmates, dance teacher and to the development of the school) than a party of a classmate.

If an invite which was passed to you well in advance of the party date, bothered you so much, I would prefer that you replied with a no straight away, rather than seeing what might come up. I would have to send out invites well in advance, as mentioned up thread. Ds birthday would be a huge inconvenience to those of you not wanting to think too far ahead but that's what I'd have to do. Tell me how I could do things differently if I don't actually get to see all of the parents socially outside of school, I don't have their mobile numbers, I don't have them as friends on social media. There are certain events which require planning and some of which you have to say yes to in advance, why is a dc birthday party so different? Sometimes you just have to give a little.

Minecraftt the use of 'your precious' comes across as very sneery..

Funnily enough my children's parties are real life, my children actually being part of my life.

You say you don't piss people off, but that may be a lack of awareness -Cheltenham was a work rather than social thing wasn't it

MrsHathaway i did RTFT thank you.

apologies for having an opinion

this doesn't help the OP, but in these situations with a venue confirmation date, i would phone DD's closest friends and ask could they make x date/time. Once i knew i had a key few i would book it. I would trust that enough people could make it / and if low on numbers allow siblings/widen the circle.

I still think to expect people to RSVP and to confirm to a child's birthday party 5 weeks in advance isn't reasonable. Of course i agree to things 5 weeks in advance and have plenty of things in our family calendar into May/June already. However a 2 hour party, of a child who wasn't a very close friend/family would not take high priority in our lives. I really don't think this is unusual. If you force RSVPs too early i find you just get a high drop out rate when people find they can't actually make it.

OP this does get better as your kids get older and you stop the big parties - with just their good friends coming it makes life much simpler and less stressful. i am sorry what should be a nice event is causing angst.

"My child is not allowed to accept any commitment and not keep to it without good reason, because that is such a fundamental character flaw. It's about good manners and good character - self-indulgence and selfishness aren't qualities I admire in others, or want to see in my kids."

but it isn't about the kids getting a better offer, it's about other things coming up in the family's lives. yes of course if my kids have an invite to a party and they want to go they are not allowed to a) change their mind or b) accept a better offer.

but it isn't about the kids getting a better offer, it's about other things coming up in the family's lives. yes of course if my kids have an invite to a party and they want to go they are not allowed to a) change their mind or b) accept a better offer.

Actually, in the example proffered it was about the parents feeling that the children's social lives were of no value or worth compared to their having a freebie weekend away instead. It was about making that plain to them, and also modelling the idea that manners mean nothing if they conflict with your own self-indulgence.

Sorry, but the core of manners is consideration for other people. The core of narcissism is thinking nobody else matters a fuck. People can try to camouflage that all they like, but you cannot put lipstick on a pig and profess it a supermodel.

Op I really feel for you, what I dont get is this is CHILDREN we are talking about, your lucky you wisley didnt get your 4 year old excited, but what if you had and no one turns up,

That's beautiful rhetoric but not very realistic.

It's not "beautiful rhetoric". It's being a bloody parent. I am always absolutely clear that manners are about consideration for others, and as such they are non-negotiable. You have to work at it, and you have to walk the talk yourself. Bailing on a commitment because I fancied a freebie wouldn't be my idea of polite, no; it's pretty impolite to your own children, never mind the hosts and party child. Respect should flow both ways.

And if recitals were likely, I would talk that over with the parents when accepting any invitation, making sure that there was a caveat understood at the time - and I'd also explain that to the children. Because that situation isn't about not keeping to commitments; it's about an ongoing pre-existing commitment (recitals) potentially conflicting with new ones (parties). Again, it's about respect for other people. Though I have to say, it's a rather odd system of competition and public recital that holds them on an adhoc basis - surely entry and rehearsal is necessary? Weird. And totally different to the sorts of examples you gave earlier - none of that has the least relevance to wanting to go on some sales team's drunken outing to the Gold Cup, leaving the "kiddies" behind without their party, does it?