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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To cancel DD birthday party?

336 replies

TheresHopeYet · 23/03/2016 07:15

DD is turning 4 and we have a party booked for her in two weeks time .

I handed out invites directly to parents 3 weeks ago with an RSVP date of TODAY!

I have not had a single RSVP. Not one . Angry

It's school holidays here and I do not know the parents well enough to chase them up or have phone numbers etc .

The balance of the party is due today ; it's £140. I have already paid a £20 deposit which I will lose .

If I cancel after paying the balance I will lose the lot .

Would you cancel? I could use the money to take DD away for the weekend instead.

I am worried though that a load of people will turn up at the party and we won't be there Blush

I need to decide today ! Help!

OP posts:
lavenderdoilly · 24/03/2016 15:04

I'd do the same. Smile all the way as you do it. Cursing can come later at home when dd is in bed. And get as many numbers as you can. Enjoy the party. Or the post party celebration Grin

originalmavis · 24/03/2016 15:05

I'd be licking the cupcakes before handing them around to the mums...

sleeponeday · 24/03/2016 15:11

I agree cancellation is a bad idea, because the repercussions socially could be a bugger. It's miserable to have to risk your money because they are rude, but I think it's a lesser cost than the potential social one.

We had whole class parties when DS was a preschooler, and people barely ever RSVP'd but we always ended up with more than we asked - by about 20% - from siblings being dragged along. People are just bloody rude, in my experience.

I have had parties where a parent turned up after no rsvp, dumped her child and siblings ( no sibling was invited and I had no idea even what sibling was called) without saying hello to me or giving me any way to get hold of her. I hear her say to her Dd "eat as much as you can as I'm not cooking tonight" as I turned around she left.

Yep. Best of all was the parent who collared another on the way out, asking them to tell me that their kid had, "some allergies, quite serious". No clue what they were, nor which child was referred to! Fun. Hmm

Most heart-breaking was the small party - 5 other kids - once he was at "big school", where all the other parents said yes, and only 1 child turned up. DS is autistic, though very high-functioning in the interpersonal sense if he knows people. But one mother messaged me that morning with a long sob story about how she had been called into work and couldn't get out of it and her CM couldn't get the kid to mine... and then next day she was in the background of some pics a friend took at a local farm park, with kids, at the time of the party. The others just never showed up.

We had a meal out plus activity for his next birthday, where we made the attraction so enticing we knew the kids would be desperate to go, and we made it directly after-school so the parents would have to see us immediately beforehand if they flaked. We wanted to soothe DS' hurt by letting him have a party that was an undeniable success. And this year coming, we're scaffolding him into the idea that he will get a really special trip to somewhere he wants to go instead, as "we can't afford both..." (true, but not the reason).

This stuff is an expensive source of misery, IMO. My toddler will have soft play parties only, where you need to chase for menu choices, and no extra kids can be thrust upon you that easily! (No problem, I should add, when parents asked beforehand about siblings - we all have childcare issues sometimes. It was the unexpected dumping - luckily I had some extra party bags and cake made up for family members!).

kali110 · 24/03/2016 15:12

Goodluck op

sleeponeday · 24/03/2016 15:12

Just seen update - hope it all goes well, OP. They are arses! Flowers

TheresHopeYet · 24/03/2016 15:36

We are fortunate enough that if we do lose the money , we can still take DD out for the day so at least we have a back up plan .

OP posts:
thesockgap · 24/03/2016 15:50

We had a similar experience with my DS1's 4th birthday party (he's 16 now so we are talking a long time ago, but still...)
He was at a private nursery at the time so I didn't know any parents - most parents dropped off / picked up at different times so no chance to get chatting, unlike at school where you are standing on the playground.
We booked a sports party at a local gym for 15, and sent the invitations into nursery 3 weeks in advance, for the carer to put into the kids' bags.
Out of the 14 attendees, we had 4 RSVPs.
We had thought that the remaining 10 would just turn up even though they hadn't RSVP'ed but they never showed up!
I can only presume that the parents never checked their kids' bags and so didn't find the invitations!
By the day of the party, I had a 9 day old DS2 and was up the wall with hormones so (combined with an almighty cock-up by the gym about the time of the party - but that's a whole other story) I spent the day in tears.
So when my kids reached school age, and I knew who parents were, I always made a point of chasing up anyone who hadn't RSVP'ed by the stated date, to check if they had had the invitation and were coming to the party!!

oliviaclottedcream · 24/03/2016 15:50

That's very rude of these people not to confirm. In my youngest dd's network of friends there's 4/5 parents that no matter what you say or how easy you make it, they just wont reply, to anything.

I'd cancel it and treat her, she 4, she wont remember it anyway. If these parents say anything, just tell them why and hint that you're a bit pissed off that they didn't let you know either way. It isn't much to ask after all, is it?

Pipbin · 24/03/2016 15:51

Well I am now overly invested in the outcome of this party.
You could turn it into a MN party. There are enough mums on this thread who could supply children of the right age I'm sure.

Oh, and I had a father ask me to chase up parents who hadn't RSVPd to his child's party. I gave him this face: Hmm and said I'm his teacher not his fucking social secretary that he could talk to them at pick up.

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/03/2016 15:59

Hope they turn up and hope they rsvp

I would take day off work first day back and grab parents and ask for a def yes or no

And start a class list so you can stalk ask non repliers in future

oliviaclottedcream · 24/03/2016 16:32

I wouldn't chase them up. They know it's for a little girls birthday party, the rude, thoughtless sods! Do something else and have a lovely day....It's their child that's going to miss out on a nice party.So make sure they know it's their own fault for not taking a minute out to reply to your kind invite. People eh -- who needs em. ?

Nomorechickens · 24/03/2016 17:44

Next time get a list of all their mobile numbers first before sending invites. Start a class list yourself if necessary. I invited 13 to DGSs 5th birthday party, got 3 replies, texted the other 10 (got a list from the class PTA rep) and got (mostly apologetic) replies from all within 5 days. DS (26) says it's understandable that most people can't be bothered to type in a mobile number or email address and write a reply, but they can be bothered to reply to a message they receive as it's much quicker.

Blondeshavemorefun · 24/03/2016 18:38

Chickens. I agree. Send a text and easy to reply and jolts memory

I am amazed how many reception classes don't seem to have class lists?

lavenderdoilly · 24/03/2016 19:03

I have put my mobile no as the RSVP contact point. And harvest the numbers from there.

hallgreenmiss · 24/03/2016 21:55

I have to say I agree with cardibach saying that you got an invitation so if you accept then that's what you're doing. I think the problem is people waiting to see if anything better comes along, then going to the party if there's nothing else. I'm the generation that belongs on the Gransnet pages - does it show - I believe in making a commitment and honouring it.

IdealWeather · 24/03/2016 22:00

There has never been a class list because the school isn't allowed to give us a list of the children in the class.
The only way to get numbers at our school is by sending invites and keeping all the numbers from other parents when they respond. Or when they send an invite themselves.

Who is putting a class list together in other schools? I'm intrigued by the organsiation.

mammmamia · 24/03/2016 23:54

I'm intrigued that it's March and you still don't know any of the other parents. Haven't read whole thread so sorry if I've missed something. My year 1 DC's class has a class list compiled by the class reps. Not the school. We have an email distribution list and and whatsapp group. It's no hassle at all with parties. Sure you have to chase a few but a quick whatsapp does the trick. Most invitations sent out that way or by email and people tend to respond straight away.

mammmamia · 24/03/2016 23:55

Well done though for carrying on with the party. Fingers crossed it all works out.

MattDillonsPants · 25/03/2016 00:35

I think you have done the right thing OP! At 4 DD is young enough that if the worst happens you can explain it away....I'd just say "Oh it might be just us but that's nice! We're having cake....some of your school friends may come but we don't know for sure yet...they may have to miss out but they're going to to their best."

I hope some come though! Flowers

MattDillonsPants · 25/03/2016 00:37

Mama it's not hard for this to happen....OP doesn't get to go to school gates...I met a parent at my DDs school who I'd not met in 5 years! She was always at work....no time for playdates. Her child was happy, well balanced and popular. They just didn't do socialising at school...when she reached year 6, the DD was old enough to go and call for friends alone and that's what she did.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 25/03/2016 01:10

We don't have a class list either. I did suggest it when DS1 was in Kindergarten, but no - they Don't Do That Sort Of Thing.

We do have a FB group for our year's intake though - but it's limited to the people that we already know, or who they know. I've asked the ones in there to add their own friends who aren't already in it, but some don't. It is useful though! If you can talk to even a few of the parents, then they almost certainly know other parents and the word can be got out quite quickly.

mammmamia · 25/03/2016 07:43

Exactly, in the world we live in you don't need to go to school gates to be in contact with other parents. I work pretty much full time and only collect twice a week. The virtual groups and emails are what connects me to the group and we've also had quite a few nights out.

PollyPurple · 25/03/2016 09:55

Our school don't have a class list either, they do have a FB page and a Twitter account, although, I'm sure they wouldn't want these pages littered with parents requesting RSVPs from their party invites.

There has only been two instances where I haven't replied to party invites and that was when Ds left them at school Angry I did send apologies to both parents. Other than that, if I have a party invite handed to me in the morning, I check when I get home from work and reply accordingly. I'm sure if I didn't do it straight away, I would forget.

Sallyingforth · 25/03/2016 10:02

What is wrong with saying on the invitation "RSVP. If I don't hear from you I will assume you aren't coming"?

marcopront · 25/03/2016 10:10

How long has your child been at the school? I am surprised you have got to March and not been invited to a party yet, meaning you would have that parent's contact details.

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