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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that she is being a bit petty about this?

336 replies

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 11:08

DSS (Dp's son), lost his coat a few weeks ago when he came over for contact. He visited some other family members that weekend and the coat never came back, we've looked and they have looked but the coat appears to be gone.

Dp told his ex about this straight away, obviously apologised that the coat has gone missing but since DSS has another coat anyway didn't think it would be a huge deal.

Dp's ex has since bought a replacement coat (even though he already has another one), and is now insisting that Dp buy him a new one to replace the lost one. This would then mean he has 3 coats, none of which would be kept at our place.

Aibu to think she is being a bit petty? I mean, the coat was lost while DSS was under Dp's care so fair enough he is responsible for replacing the coat, but since she has already replaced it, why is she insisting that he buy another one? If it was a coat he would keep at ours and use when he's with us, fair enough. But she wants to keep it at hers. Also, she does not want Dp to give her the money for the cost of the new one she bought, she wants him to buy another one.

She is also insisting that he buy a brand new (as in, not second hand) coat, and she is very fussy about brands so it has to be a particular brand that she wants him to buy. So buying a cheap coat from a charity shop etc isn't good enough.

Aibu to think she is being a bit grabby?

OP posts:
RidersOnTheStorm · 22/03/2016 13:50

I would genuinely love to know why more people won't shop in charity shops.

Because I've never needed to. Plus I like new things.

NeedACleverNN · 22/03/2016 13:58

You should buy a coat as your stepson was in your care therefore you are responsible.

It's nice you offered money and if I was the ex I would accept if I already had two coats at home.

No coats, I would expect a replacement.

To prevent this from happening again, when your stepson comes to your home, put his coat in the cupboard. You provide your own and he wears that. When he's about to go home just switch the costs back

Iamnotloobrushphobic · 22/03/2016 14:02

I don't shop in charity shops because the ones near me are all overpriced. I saw a pair of very shapeless cheap looking jeans in the charity shop window the other day for £7. The last pair of jeans I bought were in a gap outlet and fit really nicely and cost me £10.99 brand new.
I won't buy rubbish cast offs for almost the same price as brand new. If I want something really nice I buy fabric and I make it myself.

StrictlyMumDancing · 22/03/2016 14:03

I love charity shops but tend to find kids clothes hard to pick up in my area. I did get a lovely pair of Ralph Lauren Polo trousers that looked unworn for DS in one a few months ago, along with a still labelled shirt. He now has a very smart outfit for the odd times we need him to have one.

Clearly I have no issue with second hand or charity purchases. In this case it would depend on how old the lost coat was though. If it were relatively new I'd probably expect a new coat. Though given how close we're getting to not needing a winter coat is probably request a size up.

Original poster
ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 14:03

Yes he did, none of us realised at first that he didn't have it, then it was thought to have been left at the relative's house but no one could find it. When we did realise, DP offered the replacement but was told she had already bought one and that he needed to buy him another one etc..

Ragwort, I know. I realise that maybe I have been lucky with charity shops but I've always found bargains in them. Designer shoes, brand name clothes including coats, silk tops, loads and loads of really good quality buys that I could never have afforded new and 90% still had labels on.

OP posts:
lavenderdoilly · 22/03/2016 14:06

Charity shops are great. Use 'em all the time. But buy the boy a new coat as per parent's requirements. It got lost on DPs watch so he pays for it.

Witchend · 22/03/2016 14:11

Three coats Shock I thought I was being generous with mine having one winter coat, one thin mac.

memyselfandaye · 22/03/2016 14:17

I don't use charity shops for the same reasons as Riders

I don't need to and I like new clothes, and tbh whenever I go into the two that I donate to, they smell a bit musty, so that puts me off.

Floggingmolly · 22/03/2016 14:19

That's nice, meme.

TheFlyingFauxPas · 22/03/2016 14:38

I live a charity ship bargain. I get much more pleasure shopping in them than new shops. I usually get ds's coats from charity shops but it takes a bit of looking. I get them when I can then put them away. Ds is always leaving coats at school etc so I can't bear to spend a fortune on them but still they're always good coats. One he has at the moment is a lovely navy furry hooded Next one which looked brand new when I bought it for a fiver. Before that he had a gorgeous Trutex one also fiver. Left that at school and by the time he found it he'd grown out of it. Grrrrr!

memyselfandaye · 22/03/2016 15:08

No need to be sarky Floggingmolly

I don't want to shop in charity shops so I dont, and I never said they all smell musty, just the two I donate to, I also never implied there is anything wrong with shopping in them, they just aren't for me, neither is Primark, BHS or Topshop.

Each to their own, and for what its worth I love reading the charity shop bargain find threads on here.

Muskateersmummy · 22/03/2016 15:24

I don't think OP is being unreasonable. They have offered the money for the replacement the ex has already bought which the ex has refused, and are buying a (heaven forbid) second hand one for keeping at their's. I think the ex is being really awkward saying they have to go out and buy a third new coat from a specified list of acceptable coats.

lazyarse123 · 22/03/2016 15:29

I think she sounds a grabby mare. I would just give her the money for the coat she has already bought and if she wants to get another with that money fair enough. There is nothing wrong with charity shop stuff especially if he makes a habit of losing things and if she wants branded items it's up to her to find the money and not you and dp.

Mrscog · 22/03/2016 15:58

Am I the only person in the world whose DC have 1 coat?! Never needed more than one - if it gets dirty it gets washed and he just wears last year's slightly too small one for a day.

StrictlyMumDancing · 22/03/2016 16:17

Am I the only person in the world whose DC have 1 coat?!
DD has 2 now but only because she has a school branded one and a normal one.
DS has only one.

We used to operate a 2 coat system because DD really needed a spare one as she'd get everything down hers regularly, but in the end DS' second just didn't get used. If he does get his messy then he uses his next size up (we normally grab larger sizes in the sales!).

lavenderdoilly · 22/03/2016 16:19

Too cold/wet/randomly sunny for one coat round our way.

kali110 · 22/03/2016 16:25

If your dp hadn't have offered the money i would have said yabu, but he did.
I think to keep the peace it will be easier to replace it.
Can't believe some of the comments you have gotten though regarding charity shops!
The ex has higher standards simply because she choices not to go to charity shops? Confused
I give to charity shops a lot, half the stuff has never or only been worn once or twice.

RiverTam · 22/03/2016 16:29

God Lord, what's this parallel universe where a 7 yo needs 3 winter coats??? DD is 6 and has one!

OP, yanbu. It was an accident and your DP has offered to pay for the replacement coat. If she refuses that, that's up to her.

ElementaryMyDear · 22/03/2016 16:38

I'm really bemused at these people whose children have multiple coats. I have three children, they've never had more than two coats at any one time, and at times they've only had one. They weren't expensive branded coats either, more than one of their coats was passed down the family and was worn by all three children.

OP, YANBU. It is ridiculous that the mother was previously perfectly happy for her child to have two coats and is now seizing on the loss of one to insist that he has three, particularly with the summer approaching. I'd tell her that she can take the offer of money for the coat she bought or wait till September when your DP will buy a coat for next year.

MaryPoppinsPenguins · 22/03/2016 16:46

My DD1 has 7 coats in this age...

A camel type one that went with a dress for a wedding.
A red winter one for school.
A grey one with dogs on because I liked it.
A pink one belted one because I loved it.
A rain coat... because sometimes, you know, it rains.
The pink one in grey because it's gorgeous and my mum didn't know if already bought the pink one.
And a zebra print one. Because zebras are cool.

DD2 has quite a lot of coats. Plus hand me down coats. I'm moving soon and I'm actually quite concerned about coat storage in my new house Hmm

Aside from this, OP, you are being unreasonable. You lose it, you replace it.

RiverTam · 22/03/2016 16:58

But they've offered money which has been refused. So that's that surely.

newmumwithquestions · 22/03/2016 17:04

I'm happy with charity shops and buy some 2nd hand stuff for my 2, but I'd never buy anyone else 2nd hand stuff because a lot of people don't like it (unless I know for sure that they love a charity shop bargain!)
It's reasonable for her to expect that you buy a close replacement for the coat lost whilst in your care, ie if she's specifying certain brands then as long as the lost coat was that brand or similar then it's fair enough. I don't understand what relevance the 2nd coat she has bought has - if she chooses to buy her DC a coat with her money then that's up to her!

cannotlogin · 22/03/2016 17:10

Your DP should either be reasonable and buy a new coat or offer to pay for the coat she has already bought.

For what it's worth, I always have several coats on the go with my children - not because I have more money than sense but because they frequently don't come back from their dad's with them and/or they get lost or left in school. There is nothing worse than having to send your child out on a wet and windy morning with no coat, is there? That would be seen as a reflection on the ex, as the PWC, and not the NRP who is the one who lost the coat.

It may seem petty to you but when it's you that has to deal with this shit - and it is shit (where do you get a coat from at 8pm on a Sunday when they've been dropped off without one?) , you will struggle to understand. Do the decent thing and ensure that a good relationship is maintained between adults for the sake of the children.

escapedfrommordor · 22/03/2016 17:10

I would genuinely love to know why more people won't shop in charity shops.

I don't need to and I actually really enjoy shopping for nice brand new clothing in shops I like.
If someone else enjoys the charity shop experience that's fine too. My cousin really enjoys a charity shop rummage, I personally don't.

CheeseAndOnionWalkers · 22/03/2016 17:12

I think ex wife is unreasonable not to accept money for a coat. It sounds like far less hassle to give her £50 or whatever and for her to choose a coat that is suitable.

3 coats could mean a light Spring-Autumn jacket, a thick one suitable for skiing and a school coat which isn't outrageous.

My guess is that she's never been in a charity shop that sells good quality, new clothing or that you OP don't know how bad some charity shops can be. I've been in some where used Primark clothes are sold for the price of new Next clothes as well as ones where they sell new with tags Boden for the price of new supermarket clothes.

Personally I'm a BNWT or BNWOT from eBay myself. My latest bargain being £60 BN Nike shoes for £35 because there's no box which meant I saved on postage too.