to think that she is being a bit petty about this?

[ciabattav0nbreadstickz]

DSS (Dp's son), lost his coat a few weeks ago when he came over for contact. He visited some other family members that weekend and the coat never came back, we've looked and they have looked but the coat appears to be gone.

Dp told his ex about this straight away, obviously apologised that the coat has gone missing but since DSS has another coat anyway didn't think it would be a huge deal.

Dp's ex has since bought a replacement coat (even though he already has another one), and is now insisting that Dp buy him a new one to replace the lost one. This would then mean he has 3 coats, none of which would be kept at our place.

Aibu to think she is being a bit petty? I mean, the coat was lost while DSS was under Dp's care so fair enough he is responsible for replacing the coat, but since she has already replaced it, why is she insisting that he buy another one? If it was a coat he would keep at ours and use when he's with us, fair enough. But she wants to keep it at hers. Also, she does not want Dp to give her the money for the cost of the new one she bought, she wants him to buy another one.

She is also insisting that he buy a brand new (as in, not second hand) coat, and she is very fussy about brands so it has to be a particular brand that she wants him to buy. So buying a cheap coat from a charity shop etc isn't good enough.

Aibu to think she is being a bit grabby?

If she specifically wants a third one bought, then I am sure he does need 3. Otherwise she would have accepted to be reimbursed. Logically.

Right - I think I see these as the facts -

*DSS lost a coat whilst in your care
*His DM bought a replacement the next day
*your DP offered to pay for it

Everything else - charity clothes/3rd coat etc. is all irrelevant as you have acted reasonably around the lost coat.

Therefore I think YANBU.

Why does he now need 3 coats?
He only had 2 before??

Thankyou Mrscog!

Lizzylou you have no idea where they live....

It would be normal to replace a coat you've lost for one of equal quality. I suspect she just had to rush out and get a replacement quickly when her son was returned without a coat. It's most likely he has a lighter rain coat and two warmer coats now. It might be worth asking if she would prefer DH to get the next size up for next year? It's really not worth causing an issue about. She had to use her time to resolve a problem DH should have resolved before returning DS

OR, maybe she insists on her ex buying a coat himself, because she was offered a pittance in cash and wants her ex to see the real cost of the coat.

OP, did you offer her enough cash as reimbursement?

You can probably get a discounted new winter coat at this time of year.

But he has the same number of coats as before!
Do you know where they live??

Indeed, he had 2 coats before and presumably him arriving home without one of them was an issue. She would have no longer had one to wash and one to wear. So perhaps she thought, I know I'll get a third just in case this happens again either with ex or it being left at school.

I can't believe your dp didn't offer to give her the money to replace it or buy a new one straight away.

I suppose from the mum's point of view, she has gone out and spent her money on a more expensive branded coat, is annoyed that it got lost in DP's care and wants to have it replaced with one of equal value because if it is replaced with something she sees as inferior then she might as well have chucked her money down the drain. That's reasonable IMO, and I guess "teaches" your DP not to lose things she has paid for. If there is some animosity between them then this incident has probably exacerbated it and she possibly thinks DP is shirking on his parental responsibility by not providing something that matches what she had given DSS. However, once this issue is settled, I can't see any problem with you and DP having some secondhand clothes for him at yours. If she wants to get into debt buying branded clothes that she can't afford that is her business, but unless you are sending him out looking like Oliver Twist, I can't see a problem. As long as your own DC are treated the same. However, I know nothing about the state of secondhand clothes for older kids as mine is a baby; it seems bonkers to me to buy new baby clothes when you can get secondhand ones that are like new (and indeed, branded).

Kids need more than one coat. Yes, but he's going to end up with one more than he had originally...

I would say YABU if it weren't that DSS has been operating under a two coat system until now. Coat was replaced by ex, DH has offered to pay for that. Now ex wants a third coat bought. That's actually fine too if it were under the premise of 'this incident has made me realise two coats are not enough', in which case it would be 'I've bought another spare, but can you still replace the lost one'.

Personally, I'd say offer the money for the replacement that's already been bought and tell her its up to her to buy a third if she wants or replace coat like for like, but buy it under the terms you're happy with.

FWIW I had a friend who refused to dress her child in anything other than posh brands and it caused a lot of problems with her ex, and it wasn't that he wanted the child dressed in cheap clothes either but he didn't like her insistence that it had to be certain clothing. Used to wind him up when she'd ask where I got my DCs lovely clothes from and I'd say Tesco!

curren the DP did offer money for the replacement coat.

This sounds very very familiar. Particularly with the amount of times you are using the word coat in your OP. Have you posted about this before?

Also, just thinking - there's nothing to stop you buying a coat to be kept at yours is there?

Curren
I can't believe your dp didn't offer to give her the money to replace it
I'm fairly sure he did. She refused and asked for a third coat. (didn't she? maybe I'm wrong? It's somewhere in the thread, I'm sure)

This thread is also giving me envy that some people's DSs agree to wear a sodding coat.

We don't know how much he offered, do we? Maybe he offered 5 quid and the lost coat cost 50 quid. Hardly reasonable.

He should have replaced it before the bairn went back. It used to royally wind me up that decent clobber never came home (or came home when it still fitted) and wasn't replaced.

We don't know how much he offered, do we? Maybe he offered 5 quid and the lost coat cost 50 quid. Hardly reasonable.
And maybe he didn't. Maybe he offered £50 and the coat cost £40. You're really grasping at straws, Harriet.

I think DSS Mum is being unreasonable however in the interests of maintaining good relations I would suggest buying him one a size bigger ready for winter 2016 so it will act as a spare in the meantime and hopefully mean that he still has 2 coats next winter.

Logically this could go on forever though.

He comes to visit, loses his coat. Mum replaces it and so does Dad. Boy now has 3 coats.

He comes to visit again, loses his coat. Mum replaces it and so does Dad. Boy now has 4 coats.

He comes to visit once more, loses his coat. Mum replaces it and so does Dad. Boy now has 5 coats.

At what point does it become a bit silly?

I'm a bit shocked that people think it's normal for kids to have so many coats. Mine have two each... A duffle and a waterproof. When it's warm out they just wear cardigans or hoodies. Have I been doing it wrong?! .

I think your DP should've offered to pay for a new one when he told his ex it was lost and if she didn't accept either the money or new coat there and then, that's her (strange) preogative. Paying for another one herself and then expecting you to buy another one just doesn't really make sense.