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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that she is being a bit petty about this?

336 replies

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 11:08

DSS (Dp's son), lost his coat a few weeks ago when he came over for contact. He visited some other family members that weekend and the coat never came back, we've looked and they have looked but the coat appears to be gone.

Dp told his ex about this straight away, obviously apologised that the coat has gone missing but since DSS has another coat anyway didn't think it would be a huge deal.

Dp's ex has since bought a replacement coat (even though he already has another one), and is now insisting that Dp buy him a new one to replace the lost one. This would then mean he has 3 coats, none of which would be kept at our place.

Aibu to think she is being a bit petty? I mean, the coat was lost while DSS was under Dp's care so fair enough he is responsible for replacing the coat, but since she has already replaced it, why is she insisting that he buy another one? If it was a coat he would keep at ours and use when he's with us, fair enough. But she wants to keep it at hers. Also, she does not want Dp to give her the money for the cost of the new one she bought, she wants him to buy another one.

She is also insisting that he buy a brand new (as in, not second hand) coat, and she is very fussy about brands so it has to be a particular brand that she wants him to buy. So buying a cheap coat from a charity shop etc isn't good enough.

Aibu to think she is being a bit grabby?

OP posts:
Gobbolino6 · 22/03/2016 11:33

I think she's being reasonable.

Badders123 · 22/03/2016 11:35

He had a coat
He lost it whilst in your care
So you replace it
It's what any decent person would do
And her finances are nothing to do with you
Neither is her preference for clothes (I have no issue with charity shop stuff but some people do)

Amy214 · 22/03/2016 11:35

My daughter is 2 and has 4 coats different ones for different weather, his jacket was bought new so i would replace it with a new one, not to be rude but because you buy 2nd hand clothes for your children doesnt mean she will for hers if it was brand new when lost you should replace it with a brand new one

DirtyHarrietOnABike · 22/03/2016 11:36

I don't care about brands but I can definitely see the difference in quality between one branded coat that I bought at half price and his other coats. So I don't blame anyone buying branded. It is our favourite coat. As regards to her not being well of and living on credit - I would make it your business only if she asked you to repay her credit. Otherwise I would keep my nose out of it.

Badders123 · 22/03/2016 11:36

...and my kids have quite a few coats each...
A waterproof
A body warmer/gilet type thing
School coat
Light Summer coat
Old coat for outside play
Best coat

Original poster
ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 11:36

Well I'm definitely not jealous and they were never married so she isn't his wife, ex or otherwise.

I have extremely high standards thank you very much, I just don't get myself into debt to pay for expensive things when I can get cheaper alternatives that are just as good.

I don't think I have been rude, I have never mentioned anything to her and I think keeping items at your own home for the childrens' use is a perfectly normal thing to do, as many others do.

I have obviously touched a nerve Harriet, so I apologise if I have upset or offended you but I think you are being a bit over the top.

OP posts:
Iamnotloobrushphobic · 22/03/2016 11:37

Presumably she bought the coat that was lost brand new so your DH should replace it with a brand new one as it was lost whilst DSS was under his care. Whether you are happy with charity shop items is irrelevant as clearly DSS mum isn't happy with them. i really don't know why you think she is being unreasonable.

AppleSetsSail · 22/03/2016 11:39

I think she's well within her rights to ask this, and you should replace like with like.

My hunch is that she thinks this is not an uncommon occurrence at your house.

longdiling · 22/03/2016 11:39

You are getting bogged down in meaningless details. You accept responsibility right? So basically your dh needs to replace the coat and like for like is fair. The fact that she has bought another coat in the meantime is irrelevant and nothing to do with your dh. She can buy him 20 coats if she wants. Your dh would still need to replace the property that he lost while with him. There is also nothing to stop you buying him a cheap coat to keep at yours, that is also none of the exes business. That way he can wear it out when at yours and if it gets lost you can buy another cheap replacement.

Mlb123 · 22/03/2016 11:40

She isn't being grabby but you are being greedy. You should replace like for like not decide charity shop replacement is adequate to replace his new coat that at only 7 is your partners responsibility to make sure he takes back what he had when he arrived. You absolutely should replace the coat and stop trying to put down the boys mother for eanting a new coat to replace the one lost while with your family. Second hand is not appropriate here.

AppleSetsSail · 22/03/2016 11:41

And stay well clear of her finances. Your disapproval of her spending is clear; you might want to consider measuring your comments carefully IRL.

mumgointhroughtorture · 22/03/2016 11:42

Could you buy him a summer jacket. He won't probably need a big winter jacket now in his size so may come in handy. a raincoat type or something light he can use on a summers day. Maybe then you could afford the branded name coz it won't cost as much .

MrsSteptoe · 22/03/2016 11:42

Both YANBU and YABU, I think - my DS wears hand-me-downs all the time and I couldn't care less because I prefer quality second-hand to cheap new and can't afford quality new. However, if my DSS's new coat was lost on my watch, I wouldn't expect a second-hand replacement to be acceptable, I'd buy a new one.

"She is not well off either, she is heavily in debt to credit and store cards so can't really afford to buy the brand name stuff" can't really be used as part of an argument to justify buying second-hand, either.

That said, if I were in your shoes, I think I'd be inclined to offer her the money for the coat she has bought, or agree to buy a third coat on the proviso that it's kept at your place. This feels like it could be a bit of spite on her part. At best, I think it unreasonable.

Iamnotloobrushphobic · 22/03/2016 11:43

And of course you can have stuff to keep at your house for your DSS if you want to but you and your DH need to go and buy that stuff and it shouldn't include the coat which you need to replace and send home to his mums.
How often does he stay at your house?

DirtyHarrietOnABike · 22/03/2016 11:43

Yes, you did touch a nerve, OP. I am fed up of people taking the mickey.

Lizzylou · 22/03/2016 11:44

So, he had 2 coats, lost one, which was replaced the next day.
He has same number if coats, why does he need a 3rd?
I think she is being a bit daft in not accepting the money for the coat and using it for Spring/summer clothes.
As it is Spring and no boy needs 3 coats. Not even my filthy sons.

Cutecat78 · 22/03/2016 11:45

OH pays his ex £570 a month maintenance.

She spends well beyond her means and is in debt up to her eyeballs - the money does not get spent on clothes for my DSC as they regularly turn up with frankly tatty (and often dirty - she thinks we are a launderette Grin) shite on and no socks and knickers (we have a supply at ours).

This is none of my business and I don't make it such - it's her money she can spend it how she likes however frustrating that sometimes feels.

Wantagoodname · 22/03/2016 11:45

Live these posts.
Aibu? Everyone says yes
Op - no I'm not!!
Why even ask then?

EverySongbirdSays · 22/03/2016 11:46

Say you had sent one of YOUR DCs to family, and their good quality coat had been lost - would you be content with a charity shop coat for your DC or would you expect a like for like replacement???

Amy214 · 22/03/2016 11:47

Just buy they coat and shut up there is worse things going on in this world than an argument about a stupid coat think about the children that dont have the luxury

Lizzylou · 22/03/2016 11:48

I don't think Op is being unreasonable. Not in op.
Subsequent rants on income/marital position and dirty clothes are not good though!

Cutecat78 · 22/03/2016 11:49

I presume your OH pays maintenance OP?

Lizzylou · 22/03/2016 11:50

Ss's Mum already bought him a replacement coat!
He doesn't need 3!

Cutecat78 · 22/03/2016 11:52

It's not up to the OP to decide how many coats he needs - an item was lost and should be replaced its the principal.

Lizzylou · 22/03/2016 11:55

She should have accepted the money she spent on the replacement coat and used it for clothes for this season. Bonkers to have 3 new winter coats in late March!
Cutting nose off to spite face.