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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that she is being a bit petty about this?

336 replies

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 11:08

DSS (Dp's son), lost his coat a few weeks ago when he came over for contact. He visited some other family members that weekend and the coat never came back, we've looked and they have looked but the coat appears to be gone.

Dp told his ex about this straight away, obviously apologised that the coat has gone missing but since DSS has another coat anyway didn't think it would be a huge deal.

Dp's ex has since bought a replacement coat (even though he already has another one), and is now insisting that Dp buy him a new one to replace the lost one. This would then mean he has 3 coats, none of which would be kept at our place.

Aibu to think she is being a bit petty? I mean, the coat was lost while DSS was under Dp's care so fair enough he is responsible for replacing the coat, but since she has already replaced it, why is she insisting that he buy another one? If it was a coat he would keep at ours and use when he's with us, fair enough. But she wants to keep it at hers. Also, she does not want Dp to give her the money for the cost of the new one she bought, she wants him to buy another one.

She is also insisting that he buy a brand new (as in, not second hand) coat, and she is very fussy about brands so it has to be a particular brand that she wants him to buy. So buying a cheap coat from a charity shop etc isn't good enough.

Aibu to think she is being a bit grabby?

OP posts:
Wantagoodname · 22/03/2016 12:15

It will cost your partner the same anyway surely?
Either he pays her for the new coat or buys a separate new coat?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 22/03/2016 12:17

He lost his coat on your watch, you should replace it.

However I'm a bit surprised at all these DCs with loads of coats. DS(9) gets one new coat a year and uses last year's for any particularly dirty play. I only buy coats that wash and tumble dry so easily turn round the muddiest one in a couple of hours.

He does have a lightweight waterproof jacket too. But really, three or more coats?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 22/03/2016 12:19

Quite the Judgey McJudgerson aren't you?!

Sometimesithinkimbonkers · 22/03/2016 12:20

If my DS's coat was lost whilst I'm your care I would expect the cost to be replaced!!!! I wouldn't expect a charity shop item! I'd want the cost I chose for him!!! But the bloody coat !!!

MartinaJ · 22/03/2016 12:20

At 7, his head is all over the place and I wouldn't expect him to be 100% responsible for his things. God knows I lost enough things when I was a kid. Honestly, if I had a child in my care and she/he lost a coat, I'd buy a new one. Even if it were a girl coming over for a playdate.

thecatfromjapan · 22/03/2016 12:21

Replace like for like.

Everything else is just off-the-point detail.

JamesBlonde1 · 22/03/2016 12:22

It doesn't matter how many coats he has. Lost on your DH's watch, he replaces it. Things don't just disappear. How was he able to return from relatives house without it? Child and parent both responsible. Don't like this laid back approach of not caring for things that people work hard for to buy, and then take care of them.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 22/03/2016 12:23

Replace like for like

By all means buy another coat AS WELL to keep at yours

Original poster
ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 12:25

Regarding the charity shop thing - if we bought him a branded coat from a charity shop and removed the label, how would be even know that it was second hand? How would anyone know? Not saying that we will do this but you see what I mean.

My point about the debt is more that it is silly to get yourself into financial difficulty buying expensive items you can't afford when there are cheaper alternatives available. Obviously her finances don't affect me in any way so it makes no difference to me but she is always complaining about how skint she is and I find that irritating.

Badders, if she was requesting a different type of coat then it would be fine but she isn't. Dp even asked if she would like him to get him a bodywarmer as it might be better for the coming warmer months but no, she wants another coat identical to the 2 he already has. She doesn't necessarily want an exact copy of the one she bought but she gave a list of brands that would be acceptable as a replacement iyswim.

As PP have said the cost isn't the issue, its the fact that she wants and extra one that she doesn't really need. The cost would be roughly the same as he offered to reimburse her for the one that she bought.

Also, if my dc's lost a coat while with someone else it wouldn't matter to me if it was new or second hand as long as it was of sufficient quality. But that's just the way I was raised and I appriciate not everyone thinks the same way.

OP posts:
Original poster
ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 12:27

We have also planned to buy him a cheaper second hand coat as a back up to be kept at ours, in case this happens again Grin

OP posts:
PommelandCantle · 22/03/2016 12:27

It amazes me how many people are rushing in to say they should replace coat as lost on their watch.

OP clearly states in original post

"she does not want Dp to give her the money for the cost of the new one she bought, she wants him to buy another one"

So in this instance OP YANBU. She is. 1 coat lost = 1 coat replaced. (Though if she doesn't normally buy from charity shops then regardless of your feeling, you need to respect that.)

Iamnotloobrushphobic · 22/03/2016 12:31

If the boys mum is anything like me she will be using the experience of losing a coat and having to replace it at short notice to realise that she needs an extra coat, hence asking the OPs DH to buy a coat even though she has bought one herself. We don't all have tumble dryers and thick coats don't dry overnight in cold wet weather so you would need at least two coats for washing / wearing purposes. The third coat is a good back up in case one gets lost.
My older kids have three coats each, one thick one, one medium weight and one lightweight but I don't expect them to get absolutely filthy on a regular basis like they did when they were younger.
My baby has 2 snow suits and 2 coats (as well as a bundle of very thick cardigans) as he has reflux and gets filthy on a regular basis.

Lndnmummy · 22/03/2016 12:33

My son has various coats and I would expect someone to replace it with a "like for like" version if said coat was lost.

I would not accept a second hand coat and I would be annoyed if my ex didnt offer to replace it.

Sometimesithinkimbonkers · 22/03/2016 12:34

I wouldn't want the money either!!!! I'd want the bloody coat! Why should I be trailing round the shops looking for a coat ?

daisychain01 · 22/03/2016 12:34

It's March now, warmer weather on the way - by the time it gets to be cold again it will be Sept and your DSS will have grown bigger, so why doesn't your DP buy his DS 2 coats in the next size up which he will need anyway. That way he has replaced the coat his DS lost and provided the right size for his DS for use when he is staying with you.

Also, when they are out shopping, get your DP to talk to DS about how he has to be careful with his coat in future.

Don't sweat the small stuff right?

Gatehouse77 · 22/03/2016 12:36

At that age mine only had 1 coat + 1 waterproof and I'm surprised at the number of people whose kids have more!

I would have expected to replace it. I'd also be inclined to have one that he wears whilst at yours so there's no chance of a similar situation arising again...

baffledmummy · 22/03/2016 12:39

I think it's interesting she doesn't want him to accept the cash for the coat but for your DP to actually go out and buy one (am I reading that right? If so I don't think she is being grabby...I think she is trying to teach your DP to be more responsible with his son's possessions.

longdiling · 22/03/2016 12:39

Honestly op you would be a lot happier if you let go of your judgement of her. You are being asked to do something you were prepared to do anyway and will be spending no more money than you were prepared to give her. Stop getting involved in the finite details of her life and just replace the lost coat.

CountessOfStrathearn · 22/03/2016 12:41

I'm also amazed at the number of children with multiple winter coats!

My 3 only have one winter coat (in the case of the younger ones, hand me downs! In the case of the eldest, it came from Tesco) and one waterproof coat.

Lndnmummy · 22/03/2016 12:42

How many coats he "needs" is very individual I think. My ds (and his parents) have various coats, one super warm, one water proof, one lighter, one for messy park play, one for "best" ie parties/restaurants/theatre etc.

They are all bought in sales or as Christmas presents. None are designer but all are good quality. I think it is sensible to have a selection depending on weather/circumstances

Letustryagain · 22/03/2016 13:01

Agree with PPs who have said that they're not sure why she has bought another coat.

So he started with two, went down to one, now has two but apparently now needs a third??? I think in your DPs position I would give her the money equivalent to the cost of a NEW coat and then she can either buy a new coat or use it for something else, as it was lost while his DFather had him.

Others saying 'what does it matter how many coats he has, none of OP's business', it matters because she's making a point of saying he needs ANOTHER when he didn't need a third one before the coat got lost, so why does he need one now? Totally understand that he might have needed a replacement straight away which is why she bought it, but why not just ask to be reimbursed for the new replacement coat instead of insisting that he needs another?

Sounds like she's just being arsey TBH and trying to pick a fight.

On the second hand clothing thing, I have to agree with others. My Sister often buys branded clothes from charity shops, I would never do that though, I just don't like the thought of my DD wearing someone else's unwanted clothes, she doesn't wear any handed down from family though either. But second hand clothes can be really lovely, it is purely down to personal preference.

sonuma · 22/03/2016 13:12

Am i the only one who thinks 7 year olds need grown-ups reminding them to look after their things? Mine is 11yo and i still have to remind him! Kids live in the moment - and while it's good to start teaching them to be responsible early, lord knows how many things my son would've lost over the years if i hadn't nagged reminded him to go back and get them. Sorry - but this one's on dad in my book. I understand it's frustrating dealing with exes...If my ds coat went missing whilst in his dad's care i'd expect him to replace with similar, or offer to pay. But failing that, i'd just buy one myself (and maybe seeth silently!) I've never had 3 coats (of the same type) on the go at the same time though -- he has different weight coats/jackets/gilets - so i'm with you on thinking a couple are enough. I just wash and dry frequently! But each to their own - she may think differently. I think this is between your dp and his ex - not you - they need to try to have a chat about their DS needs, and come to an arrangement. You may not agree with her point of view, but she has a right to it, and sometimes you just have to agree to disagree.

Original poster
ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 13:15

Sometimes, she had already bought the coat so she didn't have to go out looking for another one.

OP posts:
Ragwort · 22/03/2016 13:20

What do some of you really have against wearing charity shop clothes? I volunteer in a charity shop and we have wonderful, branded, practically new (often with tags still on) clothes donated to us but it is very rare that we can sell much childrens' stuff - even though we price it at £1 or £2. I did sell a fantastic brand new waterproof jacket the other day to someone buying it for her child - but that was very rare - she was delighted - a £60 jacket for £2. Grin.

I would genuinely love to know why more people won't shop in charity shops.

Notso · 22/03/2016 13:36

I would genuinely love to know why more people won't shop in charity shops.

The ones near me have a really poor selection so I might want a coat in age 3-4 and have to trawl round 6 or 7 shops to find one or go online for 15 mins and buy one usually with a discount code or cashback.
I find here the items are really overpriced for example Primark t-shirts for £3. I'd love to find a £60 jacket for £2.
Also particularly with coats I have been stung and found they have been washed to death so no longer waterproof.
So all in all for me lots of faff for little reward.

OP did your DH offer to pay for a new one straight away?