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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that she is being a bit petty about this?

336 replies

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 11:08

DSS (Dp's son), lost his coat a few weeks ago when he came over for contact. He visited some other family members that weekend and the coat never came back, we've looked and they have looked but the coat appears to be gone.

Dp told his ex about this straight away, obviously apologised that the coat has gone missing but since DSS has another coat anyway didn't think it would be a huge deal.

Dp's ex has since bought a replacement coat (even though he already has another one), and is now insisting that Dp buy him a new one to replace the lost one. This would then mean he has 3 coats, none of which would be kept at our place.

Aibu to think she is being a bit petty? I mean, the coat was lost while DSS was under Dp's care so fair enough he is responsible for replacing the coat, but since she has already replaced it, why is she insisting that he buy another one? If it was a coat he would keep at ours and use when he's with us, fair enough. But she wants to keep it at hers. Also, she does not want Dp to give her the money for the cost of the new one she bought, she wants him to buy another one.

She is also insisting that he buy a brand new (as in, not second hand) coat, and she is very fussy about brands so it has to be a particular brand that she wants him to buy. So buying a cheap coat from a charity shop etc isn't good enough.

Aibu to think she is being a bit grabby?

OP posts:
Original poster
ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 23/03/2016 01:36

Yes but she had already replaced it herself by then midnight, hence the offer of money Smile

OP posts:
MidniteScribbler · 23/03/2016 01:46

No, she bought him a new coat. That had nothing to do with your responsibility to replace something that you lost. She could buy 100 coats if she wants, but that doesn't change the fact that you are responsible for buying a new one.

Original poster
ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 23/03/2016 01:52

I see what you mean but tbf she did tell us that she had bought a replacement so you can see why dp's initial thought was 'oh, you've replaced it already? Ok well I'll give you the money for it then' rather than 'ok I'll make sure I get him another one'. Especially as she already had another one at home. If she had said, 'I've bought him another coat' then it might have been more obvious she was still expecting a replacement iyswim.

OP posts:
PaulAnkaTheDog · 23/03/2016 01:52

Lose it, pay for it. Whatever else is bought is irrelevant.

Good rule of thumb?

WishToBeWell · 23/03/2016 03:05

Cutecat78 Tue 22-Mar-16 11:45:39

OH pays his ex £570 a month maintenance.

She spends well beyond her means and is in debt up to her eyeballs - the money does not get spent on clothes for my DSC as they regularly turn up with frankly tatty (and often dirty - she thinks we are a launderette grin) shite on

I don't know how many DSC there are, but clearly plural so a minimum of 2 kids? And £285 per month maintainence each? (or less if more than two)

£285 per child in maintainace wouldn't cover a fraction of their food, acommodation, utility costs etc so even if she is not A SAHM and has additional income then I'm not surprised shes 'in debt up to her eyeballs

IS it just 2 DSC you have or more? So is the maintainance £285 per child per month or less if there are 3 or even 4 DSC? And that's assuming the whole figure you quote is solely Child Maintainence - is that the case or is X% of it spousal maintainance and the Y% balance of it CM divided by no. of kids? As in that case the actual child maintainance is bloody risible so no wonder she is 'up to eyeballs' in debt! Am always astounded when read 2nd or 3rd wives referencing amount of maintanance as if it's sufficient or even over-'generous' when clearly it's neither of those things!

Genuine Q OP - how many DSC, and how much of that £570 is purely for CM and is some of it actually Spousal M? And don't claim shyness or privacy as they havent been a barrier thus far or else you wouldn't have even flagged the £570 - and in a manner that subtly suggested you thought that ample Hmm

It boils my piss to see how little some - SOME - ExP's or ExW's AND children are tossed in crumbs in terms of maintenance, yet all the while the current DP/DW simultaneously clearly asserting it as if it's de facto great. When it's patently not and wouldn't cover a fraction of the overall costs of housing, clothing, taxi'ing and feeding a child!

StrictlyMumDancing · 23/03/2016 06:22

*Lose it, pay for it. Whatever else is bought is irrelevant.

Good rule of thumb?*

This was never the problem - the offer to pay was there.

cannotlogin · 23/03/2016 06:44

he has every right to question arrangements for his son

No. The Law is very clear on separated parents being allowed to make decisions on their time. Big decisions - school, religion need to be discussed. How many coats a child has or where they are purchased are fuck all to do with the ex. Jesus wept. Let's micro manage the ex, eh?

Fratelli · 23/03/2016 07:26

Well it's not really your business anyway but your dp should have offered to buy a new coat anyway imo.

dodgeballqueen · 23/03/2016 09:09

You should have sent dsc home with a new replacement coat or money to buy a new equivalent coat. Your responsibility to replace any items which become lost, damaged or otherwise spoiled when dsc is with you (and, no, a charity shop coat is not an equivalent to a branded coat bought new for dsc) just as it is ex-w's responsibility when dsc is with her. Frankly that's common sense which makes me think that this is more about you looking for an excuse to have a pop at ex-w.

YakTriangle · 23/03/2016 09:20

But the OP's DH did offer money - the ex wouldn't accept it and insisted that he buy a coat despite her already having bought one. I agree he should pay or replace, but for her to immediately replace it herself and then give him a list of acceptable coats he must buy is definitely petty.

Plus, do some people think that clothes from 'the charity shop' are somehow unbranded and cheap? You do know that a lot of it will be good quality branded items and it's not like buying a can of beans from Aldi with a brand name you've never heard of?

dodgeballqueen · 23/03/2016 09:26

An 'offer of money' the next day is not the same as sending the dsc home with £50 or however much the original coat cost. If the ex-w objects to this and wants a coat rather than cash then it means replacing the coat isn't urgent and the father can send home a replacement coat in two weeks' time.

StrictlyMumDancing · 23/03/2016 09:45

I asked DH about what he would do. He said that if his ex refused money and had asked him to buy another coat it wouldn't be any problem but 'if she wants something that specific she should get it herself'. His theory is that he would be happy to replace the coat within a normal set of parameters such as decently thick, decent quality, suitable for school etc. as otherwise its just pointless to buy one, but the refusal of money along with the dictation of what brand etc buy would be a step too far for him. DH is very easy going and likes a spot of shopping too, and would actually prefer to replace items himself as cash isn't always easily to hand and isn't one for pettily buying an item to spite people. I suppose he doesn't like someone telling him what he needs to do with his time and money either.

Original poster
ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 23/03/2016 10:12

Dodgeball we couldn't have sent him home with a new one/money because we (including dp's ex) didnt't realise it was missing at first, we thought it might be at the relative's house.

OP posts:
ElementaryMyDear · 23/03/2016 10:15

How many coats a child has or where they are purchased are fuck all to do with the ex

But clearly that isn't so, as the mother is demanding that the ex buy the coat from a specific place. She's made it his business.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 23/03/2016 10:24

If she's already replaced the coat and she wants him to buy another one, then why can't he decide where he buys it from and how much he pays for it? Why does he need two identical coats? Confused

Janeyjanejane · 23/03/2016 11:26

It's not about the coat! It's about the agony of step relationships and 'blended' families

sashadasher · 23/03/2016 12:35

your dp was responsible for his ds therefore he should just cough up and just give her the money to maybe buy next size up.It would save the peace and make a lot more sense but then it would be her choice.I wouldn't be happy if someone replaced my ds coat with 2nd hand unless I was destitute and he had nothing to wear at all.I'm personally not a brand mad fanatic but I do like a decent coat

NeedsAsockamnesty · 23/03/2016 12:37

If she's already replaced the coat and she wants him to buy another one, then why can't he decide where he buys it from and how much he pays for it? Why does he need two identical coats?

If I was looking after your Mercedes and lost it and the next day you purchased another Mercedes would it be ok for me to replace the one I lost with Lada?

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 23/03/2016 12:40

Grin A Mercedes?!

This is a coat!

Some wild comparisons on this thread.

Maryann1975 · 23/03/2016 12:51

Op, I agree with you. He doesn't need three coats so I would have thought being offered the money would be a far better option to your dss mother. She could then save it to buy his next coat in the next size up.

I also get why you didn't get a replacement straight away. We have left things at family members houses in the past and normally they turn up within a couple of weeks, I'd be really annoyed if having realised the coat was missing, bought a new one for it to have turned up. (We have lost a school reading book last weekend, I have explained to the teacher I will continue to search for it and if it hasn't turned up in a couple of weeks will obviously pay for it it, they get that im not trying to rip them off and understand that these things happen, they are not unreasonable). I would have thought this was the reason for having multiple coats, so in this situation there is a spare one.

ElementaryMyDear · 23/03/2016 12:57

If I was looking after your Mercedes and lost it and the next day you purchased another Mercedes would it be ok for me to replace the one I lost with Lada?

In that unlikely event, what I would be entitled to would the value of a used Mercedes. I wouldn't be entitled to insist that you went off and bought the latest model Merc from a specified showroom.

DistanceCall · 23/03/2016 12:59

You are not his mother. Your DP is his father. And yes, he should have bought a coat straight away.

And I wouldn't touch second-hand clothes with a barge pole (a brand new item in a charity shop is something else entirely. But not clothes someone else - someone else I don't know - has worn).

To be honest, begrudging a 7-year-old a coat is rather petty.

RiverTam · 23/03/2016 13:08

It would be if said 7year old didn't have two winter coats already and it's March. What's petty is the way the mum has gone about this - no need for her to buy a replacement 2nd coat straight away before even making sure that the coat isn't with one of the relations, then refusing the money offered for said replacement coat, insisting on a 3rd winter coat, in March, and insisting on particular brands. That's petty.

willconcern · 23/03/2016 13:12

I think you're getting a really hard time here OP.

So DSS left his coat at relatives. You didn' immediately buy a new one but checked if relative could find it first. They can't so you offered DSS' mum money for a new one, or offered to buy yourselves - but she'd already bought a new one & now refuses to allow a coat to come to your house & insists you buy another new one (not a charity shop one).

Is that right?

Unless DSS constantly loses things in your care, or you provide zero clothes for DSS, then she us being unreasonable in my view.

As for kids who have 3/5/7 coats???? Really? My DSs have a winter coat each. Just one. And they live between me & their dad.

Your row isn't a row about coats, it's a row between exes who don't like each other.

iMogster · 23/03/2016 13:13

It's COAT-GATE!
If 1 coat was fine before, then surely 2 coats is fine now. I agree, replace like for like. I expect you will never let DS loose anything ever again, too much hassle!

My best friends have just split up after 10 years together, they have 2 DD. Is this what their future looks like? Petty arguments over a coat?

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