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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to think that she is being a bit petty about this?

336 replies

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 11:08

DSS (Dp's son), lost his coat a few weeks ago when he came over for contact. He visited some other family members that weekend and the coat never came back, we've looked and they have looked but the coat appears to be gone.

Dp told his ex about this straight away, obviously apologised that the coat has gone missing but since DSS has another coat anyway didn't think it would be a huge deal.

Dp's ex has since bought a replacement coat (even though he already has another one), and is now insisting that Dp buy him a new one to replace the lost one. This would then mean he has 3 coats, none of which would be kept at our place.

Aibu to think she is being a bit petty? I mean, the coat was lost while DSS was under Dp's care so fair enough he is responsible for replacing the coat, but since she has already replaced it, why is she insisting that he buy another one? If it was a coat he would keep at ours and use when he's with us, fair enough. But she wants to keep it at hers. Also, she does not want Dp to give her the money for the cost of the new one she bought, she wants him to buy another one.

She is also insisting that he buy a brand new (as in, not second hand) coat, and she is very fussy about brands so it has to be a particular brand that she wants him to buy. So buying a cheap coat from a charity shop etc isn't good enough.

Aibu to think she is being a bit grabby?

OP posts:

cannotlogin · 22/03/2016 17:14

if we bought him a branded coat from a charity shop and removed the label, how would be even know that it was second hand? How would anyone know?

assuming it had been washed, it is very obvious from the labels inside any garment whether or not they are new or second hand.

willfuckformichilenstarfood · 22/03/2016 17:16

Am I the only person on here that has 1 coat and manages fine? It comes out the washing machine practically dry so is easily aired by morning.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 22/03/2016 17:18

My children have 2 coats each.
A Spring/summer one
And
A Autumn/winter one.

They have a couple of jackets each too.

Usually I buy a new coat each year, but never thought of them needing about 7 coats at the same time though.
Each to their own I guess. Although if I wanted them to have about 7 coats I would buy them rather than expecting my ex to.

Nanny0gg · 22/03/2016 17:19

I would genuinely love to know why more people won't shop in charity shops.

Because the quality of the contents depends on the location.
Because I hate rummaging ( I prefer the Mary Portas style of charity shop)
Because I really don't like the thought of wearing something a stranger has worn.
Because the charity shops round her have an 'odour'.

cannotlogin · 22/03/2016 17:19

willfuckfor, I think the OP has described perfectly well why for some children (I can't speak for adults) it is necessary to have more than one coat. The ex in this case received a child into her care without a coat yet there would have been an expectation that said child had a coat for the very next morning at school/nursery. It is not yet summer when going out without a coat is possible Having more than one coat allows for forgetfulness/disorganisation/simple human error in moving a child between 2 households.

Original poster

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 17:22

Trust me I have been to many a charity shop, both good and bad so I do know that some of them are rubbish! There are a few round here who well used Primark clothes for the same price or more than they are new in the shop but I just don't use those ones.

Not always login, and if it was new with tags on you wouldn't need to wash it, surely? Waterproof coats shouldn't really be washed anyway as the detergent destroys the waterproofing unless you use a special reproofer/cleaner (which I incidentally do have).

OP posts:

Lemonblast · 22/03/2016 17:26

I think it's totally reasonable for your partner to have provided a replacement coat. And if that meant the inconvenience of having to actually go out and buy it might just make him more resonsible in future with regards looking after his sons stuff and teaching him to do the same.

Original poster

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 17:26

^Whilst I agree with you in principle login, the DSS in question did have another coat at home so it was not necessary to run out and buy another one immediately.

OP posts:

cannotlogin · 22/03/2016 17:27

if it was new with tags on you wouldn't need to wash it, surely

I made a perfectly reasonable point about second hand clothing - you said no one would notice. I pointed out that if clothing has been washed previously (particularly several times), it is obvious that clothing is second hand.

Of course you wouldn't need to wash a new with tags coat. There would be no way of knowing in that situation. But the likelihood of being able to find a new with tags coat in a charity shop in the size you are looking for when you need it is pretty limited, in my experience.

Original poster

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 17:30

Ok, yeah I see what you mean login

OP posts:

GigiB · 22/03/2016 17:43

I'm totally confused.. what do children need all these coats? Do they wear them all at the same time on a particularly cold day?

NickiFury · 22/03/2016 17:45

You should replace the coat. You lost it, you replace it. Doesn't matter if she got him another one. She shouldn't have had to and in this weather would have needed to immediately. Three coats is not loads.

Binkybix · 22/03/2016 17:52

Hmm...I don't think YABU.

Agree you should just buy a coat for use at yours. It's annoying that someone insists on designer stuff because when inevitably something happens to some of it you have to replace designer.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 22/03/2016 17:53

What's all the snobbiness about charity shops? 'They smell' is a ridiculous statement. Don't you have a washing machine? The children's clothes given to charity shops are usually clothes that are outgrown and barely worn.
If the OP can't afford to buy an expensive brand coat, I see nothing wrong with looking for a second hand one.
And of course there is the added bonus of donating to a charity in the process.

EweAreHere · 22/03/2016 17:58

The boy is DH's son, too. If he deems a charity shop coat decent enough to wear, then that should stand. Why should the boy's mother get to make all the clothing decisions, especially if you're funding them? If she wants name brands, she can fund the difference.

TheTartOfAsgard · 22/03/2016 18:01

I don't see them problem with buying a charity shop coat - he didn't lose a brand new coat with the tags on did he. Chances are he will only use it for a few weeks and be grown out of it by winter anyway so it's sensible to do this, or else just buy a cheapy coat from the supermarket.

Spandexpants007 · 22/03/2016 18:06

Was the original spare coat a thick winter coat or just a light jacket?

StrictlyMumDancing · 22/03/2016 18:07

ewe that's what I used to tell my old friend when she got out of her tree when her ex had dared to clothe the child in a non-approved brand. I think she did something similar regarding buggies too, he'd got something in the same style and it wasn't a cheap brand but wasn't on her list - a buggy she wouldn't ever use either as it was to live at ex's.

cannotlogin · 22/03/2016 18:08

what do children need all these coats? Do they wear them all at the same time on a particularly cold day?

And again....because the OP has perfectly demonstrated what happens when there is only one coat. The coat is lost. The child is returned to the resident parent with no coat. The resident parent is expected to find another coat, usually at very short notice, or have their child attend school the next day with no coat. If the child is returned on a Sunday evening, where do you think the coat for 8am on Monday morning is going to come from? Having several coats on the go is a reasonable solution to this problem. It allows for things going missing/being forgotten (accidentally or on purpose) without a child having to go without a coat in potentially the wind, rain etc. It's really not rocket science.

Bodicea · 22/03/2016 18:11

I do find it a bit odd she wants you to go and buy the same coat if she has already replaced. But you should really spend the money she originally spent to replace it. I don't get why she doesn't accept your offer of reimburment but if another coat is what she wants you can't really say no.

StrictlyMumDancing · 22/03/2016 18:15

Cannot
DSS had two coats to start with, there was never a need for scrabbling around last minute to find a second coat so the OP doesn't demonstrate that problem at all. Its a good argument for having two coats though.

Lizzylou · 22/03/2016 18:20

Login, he already had another coat at home. He had 2 coats, lost 1, which was replaced (and money was offered as replacement was already made).
He didn't need 3 coats before, why now?
All this charity shop stuff is neither here nor there.

NickiFury · 22/03/2016 18:27

Would you say this to a child that came to stay at your home and you lost his coat? Would you say well I know you've got two other coats so you don't need another one and if we do replace it will be one we choose from a charity shop?

He is your DH's son but his exes household and finances and the clothes she provides for her child have as little to do with you and your DH as any random. She spent her money on that coat and it should be replaced by the those who lost it.

cannotlogin · 22/03/2016 18:29

This. With bells on.

cannotlogin · 22/03/2016 18:31

DSS had two coats to start with, there was never a need for scrabbling around last minute to find a second coat so the OP doesn't demonstrate that problem at all

so surely it's the OP's DP's responsibility to replace the coat he lost? The ex hasn't necessarily replaced the coat that was lost - she just went out and bought the child a new coat. The two things are not necessarily connected and have nothing at all to do with the OP and her partner. I buy my children 'stuff' all the time. Perhaps my ex shouldn't pay maintenance because I can manage perfectly well without his money?

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