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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that she is being a bit petty about this?

336 replies

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 11:08

DSS (Dp's son), lost his coat a few weeks ago when he came over for contact. He visited some other family members that weekend and the coat never came back, we've looked and they have looked but the coat appears to be gone.

Dp told his ex about this straight away, obviously apologised that the coat has gone missing but since DSS has another coat anyway didn't think it would be a huge deal.

Dp's ex has since bought a replacement coat (even though he already has another one), and is now insisting that Dp buy him a new one to replace the lost one. This would then mean he has 3 coats, none of which would be kept at our place.

Aibu to think she is being a bit petty? I mean, the coat was lost while DSS was under Dp's care so fair enough he is responsible for replacing the coat, but since she has already replaced it, why is she insisting that he buy another one? If it was a coat he would keep at ours and use when he's with us, fair enough. But she wants to keep it at hers. Also, she does not want Dp to give her the money for the cost of the new one she bought, she wants him to buy another one.

She is also insisting that he buy a brand new (as in, not second hand) coat, and she is very fussy about brands so it has to be a particular brand that she wants him to buy. So buying a cheap coat from a charity shop etc isn't good enough.

Aibu to think she is being a bit grabby?

OP posts:
BastardGoDarkly · 22/03/2016 21:49

It doesn't matter what the mother did, your dp owes a decent coat, like the one that was lost. That's it.

And keeping it at yours, to be worn once or twice a fortnight is just pointless and petty.

DancingDinosaur · 22/03/2016 21:50

If his mum wants him to have 3 coats, good oh, buy him 3 coats.

But she did buy him 3 coats. Then sadly dad lost one Sad so he needs to replace it

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 22/03/2016 21:53

So socks. How many socks is it acceptable to have per child? I know there are 7 days in a week but is 7 pairs really enough? I mean, you could get away with 2 pairs -wash one and wear one. If one gets lost you can just go buy another pair after every flaming wash cycle and you don't really need warm socks in the summer....

Grin
TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 22/03/2016 21:54

*excessive, not enough!

Muskateersmummy · 22/03/2016 21:54

If she accepted the money from her ex she would have bought him two coats and the child's dad bought him a replacement coat....

And if someone lost my Gucci shoes, I would expect them to reimburse me for Gucci shoes.... I wouldn't expect them to go out and buy them! That's the point it seems the OP is making. They offered to give the money for the coat the ex bought to replace the lost coat.

YakTriangle · 22/03/2016 21:55

I agree he needs to do something about it, but I still don't see why on earth she would refuse to accept money for the coat but insists he buys one of her choosing. What difference does it make? She's not out of pocket and is clearly not allergic to coat buying.

MidniteScribbler · 22/03/2016 21:55

I'd love to hear the ex's perspective on this whole story.

Something tells me she is digging in her heels because of some historical stuff. Probably along the lines of the father not taking responsibility for belongings and expecting her to have to run around and fix things while he throws money at the problem.

The new coat she has already bought is a red herring and totally irrelevant. The father and the DSS lost the coat, therefore the father needs to spend his time going to the store, picking out the new coat and paying for it. Not just handing over some money and expecting the ex to spend her time to fix his mistakes.

DancingDinosaur · 22/03/2016 21:59

Whether she's out of pocket depends on how much he was offering for the replacement though. And maybe she doesn't want to go out and do it.

Seems dad is allergic to coat buying though doesn't it. Why shouldn't he go and make the effort to get the new coat rather than assuming mum should do it.

Original poster
ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 21:59

Way too sensible Marylin, what a ridiculous suggestion. DSS obviously wouldn't pick the right coat Grin

Triptrap, I think there was an episode of SATC like that wasn't there? Where Carrie lost a pair of expensive designer shoes at a birthday party and her friend only offered to give her half the cost?

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 22/03/2016 22:04

Yep the coat should be replaced with a new one.

Personally I love charity shops and my children wear clothes from there, but other parents can do what they like and it doesn't offend me that others don't like secondhand clothes. Certainly around here you'd have to be lucky to get what you want in terms of style, colour, size.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/03/2016 22:04

I tend to get my kids costs from two shops I would be quite cross if kids were returned minus coats and I would expect like for like.

With not accepting the money for replacement it very much depends on how it was offered, things like

I will give you the cash next drop off (so in 2 weeks)
Here's £25 towards the replacement (if coat was £65)

I would refuse and say no you go get the coat here's where I buy them from.

I would also refuse the cash if the offer was prompted by "ive had to replace DC's coat because you didn't return it" if no info about coat had been forthcoming for a few days

It's a pain in the arse when things go missing after being in the other parents care more so when they are not cheap items

Who knows why she refused the cash offer but given that most people would go for the cash if it meant they didn't need to make an additional shopping trip then she must have had a good reason

TattyCat · 22/03/2016 22:04

See, what I don't understand here is why noone is looking harder for the lost coat! It was lost somewhere where DSS had been that weekend, so could, theoretically still be found! Yes, I know everyone's 'looked', but probably not hard enough!

That's what I'd be demanding, whichever parent I was!

TattyCat · 22/03/2016 22:05

Excessive !!!!!! Sorry! Grin

Xmasbaby11 · 22/03/2016 22:05

I watched that episode of SATC the other day! She got the money back for the shoes in the end!

NeedsAsockamnesty · 22/03/2016 22:07

And if DH wishes to purchase an additional coat of a different brand or price or even from a charity shop of course he's quite ok to do so but that would be the one he keeps at his because he is buying an item for use in his home rather than replacing one the other parent already paid for

Original poster
ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 22:08

*Sigh, the assumptions people make do make me laugh sometimes.

Where have I said that he prefered to let her do all the work and just throw money at the problem and let ex buy everything? Where? I'm pretty sure that was....nowhere. Because I didn't say it. A new coat would have been bought but she beat us to it. Dp offered her whatever she paid for the coat (I don't know the exact amount).

OP posts:
YakTriangle · 22/03/2016 22:12

What would've happened if the coat was lost and DH had immediately bought another of approximately the same look and value and sent him home with that? Would that have been okay, or would dss's mum have kicked off because it wasn't from her list of acceptable shops?

MidniteScribbler · 22/03/2016 22:13

Oh just buy a fucking coat. You sound like a pair of petty teenagers squabbling over the last mars bar.

Original poster
ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 23:00

Of course we will buy the coat, that was never the issue I just think the whole arguement was silly and unnecessary!

OP posts:
DancingDinosaur · 22/03/2016 23:19

There you go then. Job done. Happy coat shopping op Smile

StrictlyMumDancing · 22/03/2016 23:22

It was, but then at least you now get to buy one at a choice of your retailer (I presume Wink)

StrictlyMumDancing · 22/03/2016 23:37

Just re read that. I meant that as in hopefully you haven't been specifically told where to buy it as opposed to going charity shop to cause argument. Blush

ElementaryMyDear · 23/03/2016 00:24

See this is it. Why do you think you or the OP or the ex H are entitled to question how she conducts her household and finances. It's got precisely nothing to do with the ex or his new DP. She doesn't want money, she wants the coat, so that's what she should get

But if her ex gives her the money for the coat she bought, she can get another coat if she really wants to.

And, whilst the ex isn't entitled to question how she runs her personal affairs, he has every right to question arrangements for his son.

MidniteScribbler · 23/03/2016 00:36

Of course we will buy the coat, that was never the issue I just think the whole arguement was silly and unnecessary!

Yes it was. You should have just replaced the coat as soon as you realise it was lost.

PaulAnkaTheDog · 23/03/2016 01:13

Bloody hell is this still going on?!