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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that she is being a bit petty about this?

336 replies

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 11:08

DSS (Dp's son), lost his coat a few weeks ago when he came over for contact. He visited some other family members that weekend and the coat never came back, we've looked and they have looked but the coat appears to be gone.

Dp told his ex about this straight away, obviously apologised that the coat has gone missing but since DSS has another coat anyway didn't think it would be a huge deal.

Dp's ex has since bought a replacement coat (even though he already has another one), and is now insisting that Dp buy him a new one to replace the lost one. This would then mean he has 3 coats, none of which would be kept at our place.

Aibu to think she is being a bit petty? I mean, the coat was lost while DSS was under Dp's care so fair enough he is responsible for replacing the coat, but since she has already replaced it, why is she insisting that he buy another one? If it was a coat he would keep at ours and use when he's with us, fair enough. But she wants to keep it at hers. Also, she does not want Dp to give her the money for the cost of the new one she bought, she wants him to buy another one.

She is also insisting that he buy a brand new (as in, not second hand) coat, and she is very fussy about brands so it has to be a particular brand that she wants him to buy. So buying a cheap coat from a charity shop etc isn't good enough.

Aibu to think she is being a bit grabby?

OP posts:
NickiFury · 22/03/2016 20:38

No his don't have anything to do with her either. Do you see how consistently it goes both ways? No matter how much you try to imply that all my posts are Pro Put Upon First Wife vs Boo! Nasty Old Ex Husband.

Original poster
ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 20:41

Trip trap, I'm not coming up with new answers in response, most of what I've said I actually said in my OP but have had to repeat myself as some people don't RTFT clarify for people.

OP posts:
Lizzylou · 22/03/2016 20:42

I am coming at this as a child of (bitterly) divorced parents, Nicki.
As far as I know I am the 1st and only wife. Currently.
This sort of squabbling can(and does, trust me!) ruin a childhood.

NickiFury · 22/03/2016 20:48

Boundaries reduce squabbling. Accepting that everyone leads separate lives now and respecting that, rather than nit picking over what the ex is doing and what he/she chooses to spend his/her money on and then using that to justify your own choices would surely be better than what has happened in this situation.

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 22/03/2016 20:52

Anyone else tempted to buy the poor lad a new coat so he doesn't have to put up with this rubbish? Grin

Lizzylou · 22/03/2016 20:53

So would accepting money in lieu of a 3rd winter coat. In March. The sensible option, surely?

StrictlyMumDancing · 22/03/2016 20:53

I'm not talking about the ex Nicki, I'm talking about how you've responded. I imagine given the OP hasn't talked about the ex's tantrum its likely she behaved more appropriately than your posts suggest she should have.

My XH mislaid some of my valued possessions during the emptying of our house -a helper hadn't realised there were some boxes to be left for me - in the midst of divorce. The sort of things people wouldn't think too much of and they were replaceable but I wanted them badly as many had been gifts from family. However he had the good grace to accept responsibility, apologise, recognised my standards on them and his likelihood to cock it up and offered to give me the money for replacement. Despite how much I wanted to kill him them and the general acrimony from our divorce I had the good grace to accept it from him. Yes it was a pain, and yes it was upsetting as hell. I could have tantrummed and wailed that I wanted my items and I wanted him to replace them for me but ultimately it would have created an unnecessary problem in a situation there were already enough problems, and a load more upset I didn't need.

Lizzylou · 22/03/2016 20:56

Oh and I think if you look waaay back down thread I said the same to op about what the ex did/spent/ charity shop/designer whatever. None of her business.
The coat situation is the only thing of concern IMO.

NickiFury · 22/03/2016 20:56

Again Lizzy, that's nothing to do with the ex. He lost it, replace it. There'd be no arguments then.

Personally if I was her I would ask him to get the next size up for next year.

The question actually was is the ex being petty and grabby. Petty - maybe, grabby - certainly not imo.

NickiFury · 22/03/2016 20:57

But I haven't responded like that, at all Confused. Can you quote where I have?

StrictlyMumDancing · 22/03/2016 20:59

I quoted it earlier:
She doesn't want money, she wants the coat, so that's what she should get.

DancingDinosaur · 22/03/2016 20:59

Ffs Dancing read the thread!

Ffs Lizzie, I did. Smile

Lizzylou · 22/03/2016 21:00

We will have to agree to disagree on that one, I think (apart from losing that fucking coat in the first place!) that the Op's dp has done all he can.

StrictlyMumDancing · 22/03/2016 21:03

We will have to agree to disagree on that one, I think (apart from losing that fucking coat in the first place!) that the Op's dp has done all he can.

Actually, there is one thing he could do, but it probably wouldn't go down to well nor be in any way helpful... He could take DSS out and let him chose a replacement coat.

TattyCat · 22/03/2016 21:04

Oh for pity's sake. Six of one and half a dozen of the other, this one. BOTH parents are being petty. Mother should accept the offered cash but in the absence of her common sense (given she's already replaced it!) then father should just go and buy another one and be done with it.

Both are ridiculous but one slightly more than the other! Bloody playground stuff, this. Poor child - hope he's not dragged into it. Angry

NickiFury · 22/03/2016 21:04

So YOU have extrapolated from that that I think a big tantrum is in order? I haven't at all.

But if you're confused by that one sentence then let me clarify; I have said repeatedly that the right thing to do is replace the coat in the way she wants it replaced and I still think that. At no point have I said she should have a foot stamping tantrum to get it.

Lizzylou · 22/03/2016 21:04

Oh. OK Dancing. Just your mention of charity shops threw me. Thought that had been covered.
(It's Lizzy BTW)

DancingDinosaur · 22/03/2016 21:05

We will have to agree to disagree on that one, I think (apart from losing that fucking coat in the first place!) that the Op's dp has done all he can.

No no, theres more he could do. He could replace the coat.......

Lizzylou · 22/03/2016 21:06

But the coat was already replaced the very next day?

DancingDinosaur · 22/03/2016 21:07

Terribly sorry for mentioning something that had already been covered Lizzy Hmm

NickiFury · 22/03/2016 21:08

Not by him.

DancingDinosaur · 22/03/2016 21:08

Sorry I missed the bit where the father had gone out and replaced the coat Lizzy. Oh wait, he didn't....

memyselfandaye · 22/03/2016 21:09

Lizzy My irrelevant posts? Nice twatty response there.

The OP was the one who mentioned charity shops in her first post. Several other posters asked why others don't like to shop in them, and even more people asked why some people bought more than a couple of coats for their kids, I answered.

If you think its irrelevant, tough.

Lizzylou · 22/03/2016 21:10

No, the boy's Mother replaced the coat with what she wanted the next day.
The Father offered to reimburse her straight away.

This is ridiculous!

YakTriangle · 22/03/2016 21:11

I think maybe there's a certain amount of 'anything written by a stepmother is bound to be wrong, bitter, jealous and evil' about this thread. Does he really need three practically identical coats none of which are to stay at his dad's house? I would have just said 'he's lost his coat, here's the money to replace it' and not listened to any nonsense about having to buy another to her specifications. Particularly if they're all winter coats and it's nearly April.