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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think that she is being a bit petty about this?

336 replies

ciabattav0nbreadstickz · 22/03/2016 11:08

DSS (Dp's son), lost his coat a few weeks ago when he came over for contact. He visited some other family members that weekend and the coat never came back, we've looked and they have looked but the coat appears to be gone.

Dp told his ex about this straight away, obviously apologised that the coat has gone missing but since DSS has another coat anyway didn't think it would be a huge deal.

Dp's ex has since bought a replacement coat (even though he already has another one), and is now insisting that Dp buy him a new one to replace the lost one. This would then mean he has 3 coats, none of which would be kept at our place.

Aibu to think she is being a bit petty? I mean, the coat was lost while DSS was under Dp's care so fair enough he is responsible for replacing the coat, but since she has already replaced it, why is she insisting that he buy another one? If it was a coat he would keep at ours and use when he's with us, fair enough. But she wants to keep it at hers. Also, she does not want Dp to give her the money for the cost of the new one she bought, she wants him to buy another one.

She is also insisting that he buy a brand new (as in, not second hand) coat, and she is very fussy about brands so it has to be a particular brand that she wants him to buy. So buying a cheap coat from a charity shop etc isn't good enough.

Aibu to think she is being a bit grabby?

OP posts:
NickiFury · 22/03/2016 21:12

And round and round we go. I'm out.

Fwiw My kids have two coats each but their winter ones have zip in fleecy linings, so in the spring I remove them and they just wear either the inner fleece or the outer shell - depending on the weather. Then in addition they also have light water proofs. So for six months of the year they have three coats and for six months two. It's very practical, I recommend it 

DancingDinosaur · 22/03/2016 21:12

But the mother doesn't want to go shopping again for another coat. She wants the father the replace the one he lost. Its not rocket science

Lizzylou · 22/03/2016 21:12

Not twatty, just an observation.
How exactly does listing your dc's extensive coat wardrobe add to the thread?

StrictlyMumDancing · 22/03/2016 21:13

That was your response after being question several times as to why an apology and payment offer isn't good enough. So yes, its tantrummy.

Also this:
*Logically this could go on forever though.

He comes to visit, loses his coat. Mum replaces it and so does Dad. Boy now has 3 coats.

He comes to visit again, loses his coat. Mum replaces it and so does Dad. Boy now has 4 coats.

He comes to visit once more, loses his coat. Mum replaces it and so does Dad. Boy now has 5 coats.

At what point does it become a bit silly?*

DancingDinosaur · 22/03/2016 21:14

Does he really need three practically identical coats none of which are to stay at his dad's house?
But its not for anyone else to decide if the mother chooses to have 3 identical coats is it. Shes just asking for the father to replace the one he lost.

Lizzylou · 22/03/2016 21:15

Oh dear.
Dancing, read op. The Mother went straight out next day and bought another new coat.

YakTriangle · 22/03/2016 21:17

But if she was always intending to insist his dad replaced it, why did she also replace it? That just comes across as foot stampy and childish, she could just accept the money offered which then pays for the one she bought.

DancingDinosaur · 22/03/2016 21:19

Yes Lizzy, she chose to buy a coat out of her own money. That has nothing to do with anyone else. It doesn't matter how many coats she buys. The point is she has asked the father to replace the lost coat. Which he should do, because he lost it.

DancingDinosaur · 22/03/2016 21:20

Maybe because she wanted to buy an extra coat. What she's bought is not really relevent is it.

Lizzylou · 22/03/2016 21:21

Oh my goodness.
OK. Well, that is me out.
ConfusedShock

StrictlyMumDancing · 22/03/2016 21:24

I can totally see why an exasperated mum would say 'you know what XDH, I'm not going out and replacing the coat, your watch you do it'. But I can't get that when the effort has already been made to replace the coat.

I can also see why a mum would say 'you know what XDH, I think this shows we need an extra coat so I think you should buy another on top of the replacement I got' but then I don't get why the offer of money would be refused in that circumstance, as a third coat that isn't immediately needed is purchased either way.

I do get why some people wouldn't like second hand or charity things. I don't get why someone wouldn't take a completely unused item from a known household though, even if just for a temporary measure until replacement coat was purchased.

CantWaitForWarmWeather · 22/03/2016 21:25

But if she was always intending to insist his dad replaced it, why did she also replace it? That just comes across as foot stampy and childish, she could just accept the money offered which then pays for the one she bought.

Exactly.

Muskateersmummy · 22/03/2016 21:29

Why is it only the mothers decision how many coats the child has? Does dad not get a say? And if she really wants him to have 3 identical coats as summer approaches could she not use the money he has offered to buy him a third coat?

DancingDinosaur · 22/03/2016 21:30

It is her decision if she's paying for them.

Dungandbother · 22/03/2016 21:30

My DS has an expensive and good quality coat.
Ex doesn't let him wear it at his for goodness knows what reasons. Probably his OW fashion opinion most likely. (Similar situation with shoes that cause blisters)

DS is always cold in his Dad's coat. DS moans EOW about being cold at Daddies and do I have to go..... .

So.
Quality coats are worth it.
Your DP should replace the coat like for like
Having two coats at each house is pointless and upsetting for the DC.

DancingDinosaur · 22/03/2016 21:31

Oh my goodness.
OK. Well, that is me out.

Bye then LizzySmile

TattyCat · 22/03/2016 21:33

This has absolutely nothing to do with coats.

But it is a bit like a comedy sketch!

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 22/03/2016 21:34

Oh for flip sake, now people think split parents should debate how many coats a child should own and each side should be taken into account? I can just see it now; 'I want him to have 3 coats', 'well I don't care, I said he should only have two and therefore you will only let him have 2' , 'he lives with me, why do you think you get a say in how many coats he has?' 'because I'm his dad and I think 3 coats is silly'

Nope. Not feeling that one.

come on people! Seriously. The father is responsible for the missing coat and should've replaced it. It's that simple. It is now his job to do something about it, the fact the mother has another one now (whether that was truly bought after or before or what coat it is is up for debate) doesn't really matter a whole deal.

The mother was put out,money wise, due to the father not taking care of his sons property. There should be recompense in some form, and not with something from a flaming charity shop!

And they aren't identical coats, OP said identical then went on to say they aren't identical and there is a list of potential coats.

DancingDinosaur · 22/03/2016 21:35

I would imagine she wants it replaced with something similar in case it gets lost at dads again. And then she's back down to one coat. Which she'll then have to replace. I can't imagine dad was offering the full cost of the coat anyway if op was asking why a charity shop coat wasn't a suitable replacement. And if mum had spent quite a bit to get a quality coat then its a tad annoying if someone elses loses it.

DancingDinosaur · 22/03/2016 21:36

Trip trap Grin

Muskateersmummy · 22/03/2016 21:40

I'm not saying they have to agree on how many coats, but he has offered to give her the money. Why is it so necessary that he goes out and buys a coat from a specified list of acceptable ones? That to me makes no sense! If his mum wants him to have 3 coats, good oh, buy him 3 coats. You don't need to get you ex husband to physically buy your son a coat unless you are trying to prove a point.

oldlaundbooth · 22/03/2016 21:41

This thread is hilarious.

We have gone spectacularly off piste.

My tuppence worth :

Children need a couple of coats I'd say. Winter, summer, rough for playing outside.

I understand people who buy their kids coats because they like them, that's their choice. But the child doesn't need them.

Adults, however, need several Grin as they wear them for longer.

I've had trenches from the 90's that I don't really wear much because where I live now it doesn't rain often. I can't bear to whizz them.

TattyCat · 22/03/2016 21:46

One day in summer, Jack was going to visit his friend John. When he got to his house, he saw John, who was dressed in his warmest winter coats.
"What are you doing? Are you nuts? It's the middle of summer!" cried Jack.
"I am painting my house. And on the can, it says you must put two coats on."

Marilynsbigsister · 22/03/2016 21:47

You lot are all absolute amateurs at this....My stubborn and unreasonable DH and his bat-shit crazy ex wife could make a dispute like coat-gate last a decade complete with cafcas reports and 3 court hearings. Why has nobody yet suggested withholding contact from this irresponsible father (and very obviously wicked stbsm) until a judge has decided the way forward ?

Alternatively his dad could take him out next visit and buy him a weather appropriate outfit/coat/shoes/whatever to the rough value of the one lost. Child can then choose where to keep it. Everyone lives.

The right to decide what item, has been lost by the mother when she was offered the money for the coat and refused. (but then again I'm biased being a founder member of the second (well third actually but we don't mention 'that' one) wives club)Wink

TripTrapTripTrapOverTheBridge · 22/03/2016 21:48

Because he lost one that cost her a fair amount of money perhaps? Going to extremes, if your friend lost your Gucci shoes would you feel a pair of plimsolls was an appropriate replacement? Would it make you feel much better about the money down the drain?

She may be trying to prove a point. He may need another coat, who knows. But the fact remains that the father lost it and it is therefore his responsibility to do something about it