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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my au pair to open the door?

380 replies

alice298 · 21/03/2016 15:16

I just can't work out if I am being unreasonable or not... The other day I said to my au pair "if you hear the doorbell, please open the door as I'm expecting a parcel." I actually assumed if she heard the bell she would open it anyway as I think anyone living under a shared roof would automatically do so. But I asked specifically as I am 1. Deaf so often miss the bell, and 2. Have a newborn so am often trapped under a boob monster. Anyway, she said that when she is not officially on duty, she will not open the door unless she happens to be walking past or making a cup of tea (etc). She said she won't leave her room to open it.
I couldn't believe we were having this conversation, but didn't want to lose the plot already being deeply hormonal and emotional. So I just said - "okay please let me know when you're having a period during which you can't open it so I can make sure I am near the bell," and she said no, she didn't know when the mood would hit her not to open it so she didn't feel able to pre warn me.
I felt so upset by all this. I left it at there as I just couldn't bear to discuss it further, I didn't even know what to say. And now I find it hard to look at her in the face as I feel it is extraordinarily unkind, as well as selfish. But AIBU? If so I would love rational thinking so I can get over my current feeling of dislike towards her. I really want to be happy with her and get on with life, and finding it very hard to do so.
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Original poster
alice298 · 21/03/2016 18:30

HowBadIsThisPlease no, I specifically said 'if you hear the doorbell' and went on in course of conversation to say I didn't expect her to listen out but to open if she did happen to hear it. Basically I hoped for her to be a back up if I missed it.

OP posts:
Original poster
alice298 · 21/03/2016 18:32

Gpignname yes I agree, it was a point of principle most of all.

OP posts:
TiredOfSleep · 21/03/2016 18:32

She's supposed to be acting like a family member. Listening out for the door would definitely come under that. But understanding that she may not hear it because she's listening to music/in the bath etc should be accepted.

Throwingshadeagain · 21/03/2016 18:38

Do you get lots of parcels and visitors?

And also is she thinking that because you are profoundly deaf she will be answering the door pretty much every time it rings?

I also agree with others that she might have said it in a way that seemed unkind or blunt, but that's just because we Brits never seem to say what we really mean!

Maybe you asked her in a (very British!) way that seemed to be genuinely asking her opinion? Did you say 'Please could answer the door when you are off duty as I can't hear it and I'm breast feeding' or did you say 'Listen, I know you really don't have to when you are off duty, but do you think that just sometimes you might be able to answer the door on occasion, I mean if that's ok, but don't worry if not' type thing?

I'm sorry it's upset you and knocked you for six, esp as you are hormonal with a newborn.

Sistersweet · 21/03/2016 18:43

I've had many many au-pairs and they've always answered the door when off duty if I can't, ice often called down "can u just grab the door". It has never even been a discussion I've had with them. Unless you expect 20 parcels a day then I canhardky see it's a hardship

wotoodoo · 21/03/2016 18:58

I'm wondering how many of the replies from posters have actually had au pairs?

It is very easy to take a GOOD au pair for granted, they are so helpful, kind, and for those who cannot rely on family for babysitting, childcare etc they are the next best thing (some say better).

But the hours they work really must be respected, and I am going to go against the grain here (having had experience with brilliant au pairs who have shared our home) and say she is right, and she needs to be able to chill and not be disturbed, and actually, treated as if she was not at home (unless there is a real emergency).

Op you need to weigh up if her 'time off' is really that and may be offer to pay her extra if you need help with extras?

She sounds too good to be got rid of. Because she is so good with your dc and so good in all other respects I think you need to respect her working hours.

Hoppinggreen · 21/03/2016 19:06

While I don't agree with the aupair we have nothing German and Austrian relatives and I can just imagine them saying something similar in a very matter of fact manner and being slightly baffled by the idea that they are being either rude or unreasonable.

user838383 · 21/03/2016 19:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Agadooo · 21/03/2016 19:15

Totally agree with Calais- she can't have it both ways-I understand she's off duty and wants for it to be like she's not home BUT it's not very nice is it?

SauvignonBlanche · 21/03/2016 19:16

YANBU to feel upset in your specific circumstances, OP.

maddening · 21/03/2016 19:18

Give her notice as you are no longer in the mood to employ her

HormonalHeap · 21/03/2016 19:24

Don't you want somebody kind? I had loads of au pairs when my kids were small and I am hearing impaired, just like you. I don't think you're asking her to be on 'high alert' as someone up thread suggested, but simply to answer the door if she happens to hear the bell and you don't, or you're not in. Nothing to do with being on duty and everything to do with being a member of your household/family.

You get warm, kind au pairs who both you and the children look forward to coming home to, and you get cold, selfish ones who really aren't cut out for it. Just get a nice oneSmile

MoonfaceAndSilky · 21/03/2016 19:28

she didn't know when the mood would hit her not to open it
Not in the mood?? Not in the mood? It's only answering the bloody door!!

Iggypoppie · 21/03/2016 19:38

I've been an au-pair. It's shit because you are living in your employer's home, so you never really feel 'off duty'. I think the au-pair is just putting some boundaries in place - good for her.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/03/2016 19:46

"I would also expect an au pair to hold the baby if I am cooking dinner, take rubbish out, nip to the corner shop to get milk, lay the table even if they are 'off duty'."

Is that even legal? Everyone's entitled to time off aren't they?

Gwenhwyfar · 21/03/2016 19:50

"I've been an au-pair. It's shit because you are living in your employer's home, so you never really feel 'off duty'. I think the au-pair is just putting some boundaries in place - good for her."

Yes, it must be difficult to switch off. When my friend was a nanny, she had the attic room (3rd or 4th floor) so I suppose answering the door in time would have been very difficult.
Giving her the benefit of the doubt, is it possible that the au pair misunderstood and thought that OP wanted her to stay in at all times in case a parcel arrived?

Brenna24 · 21/03/2016 20:05

I lived in Austria for 18 months. People there do tend to be very blunt and they are draconian about work hours versus not work hours. That does sound like something they would say/how they would expect to work.

BoffinMum · 21/03/2016 20:12

I think it's irrelevant who is right and wrong here. The AP was so lacking in empathy for her hearing impaired, breastfeeding 'employer' that she made her feel upset in her own home for asking for something that most families would routinely take for granted.

As others have said, the AP wants to have her cake and eat it. She wants to be treated like a niece when there's something in it for her (birthday fussing) but wants to be treated as an off-duty employee when it suits her and not be arsed to answer the door. Presumably, however, she expects the 'employer' to answer the door for her if she has visitors, though, and doesn't hear it or is in the loo.

This is so convoluted and bonkers that is grounds enough to get rid of a very entitled-sounding young woman. OP, you are in charge of your own home, not her, and you have the right to lay down the expectations of family life, and feel happy and comfortable there.

She will, I bet, get the shock of her life if you sit her down and tell her that she hasn't really understood the implications of the AP role within a traditional British family, and that you will have to let her go. I have dealt with the fallout of this with the friends of one or two APs of ours and it took them quite a bit of time to realise how they came across and how reasonable the families had been, but they were very sorry and a bit embarrassed once they started to understand what impact their behaviour had had on the family or house mother.

A good agency can be really helpful here, so if you used one to find her I suggest you have a word and ask if they would mind speaking with her about this and backing you up. That might salvage the situation.

BYOSnowman · 21/03/2016 20:13

I think it would be fair enough if she was happy to be an employee - but she wants to be treated as a part of the family and get the perks of that.

I would be knocking that on the head. all she had to say was that she would open the door of she heard it. I don't think the op expected her to change what she was going to do anyway.

BoffinMum · 21/03/2016 20:15

I should add I am half German and I have had loads of German, Austrian and Swiss APs including a few difficult characters, and not once have I encountered one refusing to answer the door (or a similar family-type task) in such a circumstance.

Dovinia · 21/03/2016 21:21

Gwenhwyfar - you would seriously expect to just watch someone struggling to hold a baby and cook your dinner, then lay the table for you and clear up after you, just because you are 'off duty'??

Gwenhwyfar · 21/03/2016 21:50

"Gwenhwyfar - you would seriously expect to just watch someone struggling to hold a baby and cook your dinner, then lay the table for you and clear up after you, just because you are 'off duty'??"

If I was in the room I might help, but if I was in my bedroom I wouldn't expect to be called downstairs and certainly not be sent to the corner shop in my free time. If I was an au pair I would also ask to make simple meals for myself - there's no reason why somebody would need to clear up after me.
My boss doesn't come to my house to ask me to type things up for him on a Saturday night because I don't do unpaid overtime.

Dovinia · 21/03/2016 21:54

Have you ever been or had an au pair Gwenhwyfar - the whole point is they part of the family, and share family meals.

HormonalHeap · 21/03/2016 21:54

Just reading this makes me so appreciate not having to have au pairs anymore!!

Gwenhwyfar · 21/03/2016 22:02

No, Dovinia. I don't even have children. I feel entitled to comment, however, because I'm interested in workers being treated fairly and this poor woman, whether she was right about opening the door or not, is being called a 'cow' and a 'bitch' with people telling OP to just sack her. I've had friends who were live-in nannies and they didn't work in their free time unless pre-arranged and paid for it.
Even if the au pair is eating with you, why would you clear up after her? Each person takes their plate to the sink or dishwasher don't they?

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