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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my au pair to open the door?

380 replies

alice298 · 21/03/2016 15:16

I just can't work out if I am being unreasonable or not... The other day I said to my au pair "if you hear the doorbell, please open the door as I'm expecting a parcel." I actually assumed if she heard the bell she would open it anyway as I think anyone living under a shared roof would automatically do so. But I asked specifically as I am 1. Deaf so often miss the bell, and 2. Have a newborn so am often trapped under a boob monster. Anyway, she said that when she is not officially on duty, she will not open the door unless she happens to be walking past or making a cup of tea (etc). She said she won't leave her room to open it.
I couldn't believe we were having this conversation, but didn't want to lose the plot already being deeply hormonal and emotional. So I just said - "okay please let me know when you're having a period during which you can't open it so I can make sure I am near the bell," and she said no, she didn't know when the mood would hit her not to open it so she didn't feel able to pre warn me.
I felt so upset by all this. I left it at there as I just couldn't bear to discuss it further, I didn't even know what to say. And now I find it hard to look at her in the face as I feel it is extraordinarily unkind, as well as selfish. But AIBU? If so I would love rational thinking so I can get over my current feeling of dislike towards her. I really want to be happy with her and get on with life, and finding it very hard to do so.
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
MiscellaneousAssortment · 21/03/2016 17:01

Agree with other posters about her getting the perks of both roles and perhaps needing a reminder that she can't choose to be included as one of the family when it's convenient / gets her more treats, and yet decide she's merely an employee when it suits her too.

It's not very kind to make such a big deal out of a very simple and low engagement task that everyone in the family usually does naturally.

It becomes more rude because you can't hear and are grappling with a newborn.

I'd decide how you want to proceed and then set out the rules and boundaries for the way you want to go forwards.

On a separate topic, is there any way you can set up your phone to flash or vibrate when the door bell goes? Or a light? Then you wouldn't be trapped with your little one not knowing what's happening?

Peasandsweetcorn · 21/03/2016 17:02

My only other way of getting a complete break was to leave the house but, as they lived in the middle of nowhere, it was 2 miles to a bus stop (two buses a day but only on certain days of the week) & 5 miles to town. It was a wet summer so the idea of cycling 10 miles was very off putting - as was just going for a walk or a bike ride for the sake of it.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/03/2016 17:05

Dovinia - I wouldn't expect a teenager to answer the door if they were doing something else unless they were expecting it to be for them. I still think that's different than someone I'm paying though.

I wouldn't do 'work' (which I think that list you gave is) while off duty unless I was downstairs - which I wouldn't be. When I nannied I didn't enjoy the way people were always asking me to do things when I wasn't working. And then getting huffy when I wouldn't Hmm.

Dovinia · 21/03/2016 17:08

Being a nanny is different - you are an employee doing a job and not living with a family as a member of the household on a cultural exchange.

Going to get milk that you drink, putting away shopping that you eat, emptying a bin that you put rubbish in and helping prepare and clear away a meal that you will eat is not "work", it's just normal behaviour of someone living in a house.

Original poster
alice298 · 21/03/2016 17:12

Can't believe how helpful this all is. Especially the culture thing. I am feeling more balanced. Clearly it absolutely needs to be addressed if only to get rid of ill feeling and also to understand the boundaries more clearly. If she responds aggressively then I need to think again. One point to be made: she has said this applies to all the time, not when I ask. So she won't open the door full stop when off duty. I think I also felt more upset because of being deaf than because of breastfeeding HowBadIsThisPlease but perhaps that is more my problem...

OP posts:
LaurieFairyCake · 21/03/2016 17:12

Dovinia - All of your list (you've written 2 which are a bit different) are all tasks directed by someone else - sending someone to the shop, telling them to put the shopping away, asking them to hold the baby are all tasks you direct - not ones she might offer to do naturally as part of sharing a house.

Not many teenagers like to be dragged away from their room to be sent out for milk Grin

Original poster
alice298 · 21/03/2016 17:15

Actually, that same day my mother came to see me and was left outside because she didn't open the door. I had not asked her to (Mum came round unexpectedly) and I was temporarily out. She didn't answer it because she was not technically working (I'm pretty sure she didn't know my mum was outside rather than a parcel btw! THAT would be weird)

OP posts:
Dovinia · 21/03/2016 17:15

If an adult living in my household wasn't prepared to go to the shop for milk (and didn't go automatically if they'd used the last of it), didn't take the bin out if it needed it, lay the table and clear it without being asked, wouldn't hold the baby so I could cook then they would definitely be asked to - and if they wouldn't/couldn't they'd be looking for another household to live in.

StealthPolarBear · 21/03/2016 17:20

Yes if it's a blanket ban on answering the door then she ibu.
I suppose my point was if you paid your teen to answer the door for parcels you'd expect them to prioritise that and not get lost in a book or TV. She maybe flet the same despite the fact she was off duty.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/03/2016 17:20

I think if you want to send your au pair to get milk you should do it in her directed time. So that the time she's not working is her own.

Otherwise you're just exercising the option to control her entire time.

janethegirl2 · 21/03/2016 17:21

I agree Dovinia.
Also most teenagers would be annoyed if there were no milk in the fridge too.

Dovinia · 21/03/2016 17:23

If the au pair finishes off the milk while off duty I'd expect her to nip to the shop without being sent.

harshbuttrue1980 · 21/03/2016 17:38

I think you are being unreasonable. If you're expecting her to be on high alert listening out for the door, and therefore not allowed to shower, wear headphones etc, then that should be counted as working time. On the other hand, if she happens to be near the door and it rings, then of course she would be rude not to answer it.

Au pairs, like everyone else, need time when they can just "be" - switch off, nap, skype with family, listen to music with headphones on etc. Sorry, but just because you're deaf, it shouldn't mean that she can be expected to always be on alert in case you need something done. She still has a maximum number of working hours that you can direct, like any aupair. The rest of her time is her own. If I was her, I'd start going out all the time. I love my work and my boss, but I would hate to be on call all the time.

Can't you arrange for particular delivery slot times and schedule her hours for that time so she can wait in and listen out for the door?

CharlyWooplus2 · 21/03/2016 17:38

Just goes to show that the whole 'I'm off duty so I won't be answering the door' thing is flawed, as it might just be a real human being (in this case your DM), rather than a parcel. And I wonder how she'd feel if the parcel turned out to be from her family from home....and then you were 'off-duty' to go and pick it up. What if it turned out to be a friend of hers? or an emergency?

HowBadIsThisPlease · 21/03/2016 17:40
  1. If the au pair finishes the milk while off duty I would expect her to replace it, too.
  1. If she is out near shops, off or on duty, and happens to remember (although mainly because others are drinking milk) that there isn't much left and brings some home, then that's nice - almost but not quite to be expected, but still nice.
  1. If she is in her room in her off duty hours drinking squash which she has bought, and is asked to keep on top of the milk situation although others are drinking it at that moment and she isn't even aware, and being held responsible that there isn't enough, then that's not ok.

I think that there are aspects of this current situation which have drifted more towards scenario 3 than scenarios 1 and 2 in the AP's mind. And I can see why.

infife · 21/03/2016 17:42

While I can understand she won't want to be troubled with work on her time off, there is a wild difference between opening the door occasionally and doing the hoovering or changing a nappy.

Indeed, MOST people would expect anyone to answer the door, for example, if I was in the bathroom, I would expect a workman to answer the door - that's fairly normal behaviour. Likewise, most people would expect a friend or relative visiting to open the door if they weren't around.

She sounds very strange and not the sort of person I'd want in my house.

Dovinia · 21/03/2016 17:47

The OP isn't asking the au pair to assume responsibility for answering the door 24/7 - she's asking that if she hears the bell, could she please answer the door.

If you are in the house you live in, and you hear the doorbell go unless you are in the bath or somehow incapacitated it is normal to open it. It is especially normal to open the door of the house you live in if you hear the bell and

  1. you know a parcel is expected
  2. you are the only person in
  3. you know the other people in the house are less able to get to the door than you.

Answering the door if you hear the bell ring isn't work. It's normal behaviour.

tiggytape · 21/03/2016 17:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RoomForASmallOne · 21/03/2016 17:53

Au pair is BVU
How bizarre not to automatically answer the door.

On a practical note. OP we have a cordless unit for our bell.
Very handy when I'm in the garden.

Skittlesss · 21/03/2016 18:01

I think you're both being a bit unreasonable to be honest.

She should answer the door if she is available to answer it (downstairs) or if someone knocks a couple of times and it's clear you aren't aware someone is at the door.

You shouldn't stay in your bedroom if she is upstairs in her room. Go somewhere you can see the door (or signal) if you're expecting a parcel.

I was wondering whether she misunderstood what you were asking of her. I also thought the "mood" bit was a bit odd and perhaps hadn't translated very well into English.

If she's good in all other areas then perhaps this isn't a big deal.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/03/2016 18:02

Answering the door isn't work

Someone's not watched Downton Grin

If I'm in the house and expecting a parcel I have the TV/radio on low, don't go in the bath, and have an ear out for the door.

If I'm not actively listening for the door I wouldn't hear it.

It sounds like the OP may be asking her to listen out for the door? (Apologies if you're not) which is doing more than just answering it if you hear it.

Which is why I think she's said no.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 21/03/2016 18:09

"unless you are in the bath or somehow incapacitated"

Well this is the thing. She was asked not to be in the bath or incapacitated. She was asked to get the door.

Conversation between friendly housemates:

A: are you going out?
B: no, why?
A: I'm expecting a parcel and might miss the bell. Would you mind listening out for it?
B: well I was going to have a nap with earplugs. I haven't slept properly since [whatever] and I'm shattered. I'm afraid I might miss it. Would that be a huge deal?
A: oh well I'll stay downstairs near the door then, don't worry

Conversation between employer and employee:

X: I have a tiny breastfeeding baby and am deaf. I'm getting a parcel. I want you to hear the bell and let them in.
Y: erm I will if I'm around but I'm not working then, so.... maybe not.
X: How will I know if you're going to be "around"?
Y: erm I don't know. I like to be free to do whatever when I'm not working... let's just say I'm not promising anything any time I'm not working... then you know where you are
X: this is abominable!

Choceclair123 · 21/03/2016 18:12

*...she said no. She didn't know when the mood would hit her not to open it so she didn't feel able to pre warn me.
*
This ^ is the part that would upset me the most.

gpignname · 21/03/2016 18:17

Reminds me of a time I had a nanny who we agreed did not have to do any household chores except to clean up after the children and herself. I used to wash up the breakfast dishes before she arrived and then head off to work but sometimes I would leave a single unwashed tea cup in the sink if I finished off my cup of tea after I had done my washing up. I would come home and find she had washed all their dishes from lunch, snacks, tea etc etc but my one tea cup was always left there unwashed waiting for me to do it.

I think people who say there was a communication issue are wrong - the way the OP describes it was that the au pair said she will not leave her room to do a favour even if she did hear the bell and wasn't in the bath or whatever. She made it clear she simply would not answer the door any time she was off duty in her room whatever the circumstances. She was making a point. Just like my nanny would not wash that one cup as a matter of principle.

Maybe this is fair enough if she doesn't want to be treated as part of the family, doesn't want any little extra give and take - but it sounds like she wants it both ways if she wants to join in birthday outings etc. It also leaves a bad feeling. I guess it depends whether the OP is willing to accept this given the au pair is good in other ways.

RubbleBubble00 · 21/03/2016 18:29

if you accept a role as au pair in a household with a profoundly deaf parent, then I would expect the au pair to make reasonable accomodations.