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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my au pair to open the door?

380 replies

alice298 · 21/03/2016 15:16

I just can't work out if I am being unreasonable or not... The other day I said to my au pair "if you hear the doorbell, please open the door as I'm expecting a parcel." I actually assumed if she heard the bell she would open it anyway as I think anyone living under a shared roof would automatically do so. But I asked specifically as I am 1. Deaf so often miss the bell, and 2. Have a newborn so am often trapped under a boob monster. Anyway, she said that when she is not officially on duty, she will not open the door unless she happens to be walking past or making a cup of tea (etc). She said she won't leave her room to open it.
I couldn't believe we were having this conversation, but didn't want to lose the plot already being deeply hormonal and emotional. So I just said - "okay please let me know when you're having a period during which you can't open it so I can make sure I am near the bell," and she said no, she didn't know when the mood would hit her not to open it so she didn't feel able to pre warn me.
I felt so upset by all this. I left it at there as I just couldn't bear to discuss it further, I didn't even know what to say. And now I find it hard to look at her in the face as I feel it is extraordinarily unkind, as well as selfish. But AIBU? If so I would love rational thinking so I can get over my current feeling of dislike towards her. I really want to be happy with her and get on with life, and finding it very hard to do so.
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
MitzyLeFrouf · 21/03/2016 15:46

Sling her out.

RoganJosh · 21/03/2016 15:48

If she isn't on duty she could have been out, so you can't rely on her anyway.
I can see it a bit both ways tbh.

catwithflowers · 21/03/2016 15:49

Ridiculous and extremely rude. Totally agree with other posters that you should end her employment with you and report her to her agency 😱😱

leelu66 · 21/03/2016 15:49

YANBU. She knows your deaf and is still being unhelpful.

Great idea from bibbity btw.

Ninjagogo · 21/03/2016 15:49

LTB Grin seriously, you need a more helpful au pair.

BabyGanoush · 21/03/2016 15:50

deliberately unhelpful, this is not what you need!

antimatter · 21/03/2016 15:52

What other duties does she do if this is too much for her?

Is she doing the usual 20-25 hours of supervised help per week?

Littlemissjt · 21/03/2016 15:53

Definitely get rid of her. How rude and unhelpful.
Remember to ask her if she got the leaving gift you ordered her? No? Must have been delivered one day she wasn't in the mood to answer the door!

Janecc · 21/03/2016 15:53

Get rid. Horrible girl. How humiliating for you.

Ginslinger · 21/03/2016 15:54

she's beyond being unreasonable - you don't need that.

ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 21/03/2016 15:54

Yes that's the correct word to describe her, horrible

Original poster
alice298 · 21/03/2016 15:55

I really appreciate all your replies. I did so hope someone would show me the light and explain why she is reasonable, so I could file it away and continue to like her! You know how mental you feel when you've just had a baby, I thought I was being crazy.

Very interesting remark re the insight into her and how she regards us. She has made it clear frequently that she doesn't expect to be treated like an employee in the subservient sense. I mean, in the sense I am her boss. So we do things like take her out for a birthday breakfast, buy her treats and so on. To show the friend aspect of it iykwim. So then when this happened and she said "as an employee I consider myself to be off duty in the fullest sense when I am 'off duty'" it felt like a real kick in the teeth.
As for is she amazing. Well in many ways yes. She is very organised, genuinely has the children's welfare at heart (they are 6 and 4, she doesn't look after the baby), talks to them very nicely and is really interested in all they do and say, does the laundry and ironing beautifully. Every time she goes out she will ask if I want something from the shops, so shows consideration at times.
It's hard as I feel all over the place with the baby and so forth, and before this I was really happy with her. I found her very stringent / time keeping but could live with that. But this....

Anyway I am very grateful for your input. I plan to have a serious chat with her.

OP posts:
Moving15 · 21/03/2016 15:57

Maybe she is stropping over some perceived injustice but whatever the back story this isn't the kind of person you want looking after children!

IcingandSlicing · 21/03/2016 15:58

First OP sorry you have to go through this. I hope you can find a solution to the situation.

This below is not based on your case though, just my opinion on au pairs as most people I know that have au pair have those kind of experiences too.

That is one of the reason why I would never ever consider an au pair. It's a complete stranger to whom I am not paying enough, however letting to live in my house and having expectations of them to behave like family or at least friends or in some cases older children on a daily basis and do chores. Most of the time they will be even teenagers who are not clear with who they want to be yet, how can I trust them with my kids?
Imagine leaving under one roof with your boss. Comfortable is not the first word that comes to mind.
And most important how can I be sure what is their motive to leave their own home and come to mine? Let's be realistic. It's certainly not the love for other people's children.

Original poster
alice298 · 21/03/2016 15:58

Bibbity - you're right, I did post knowing the answer of course, just hoped to be wrong. I have a special doorbell, it's just it is also very LOUD as well as flashing so I don't have it in my bedroom which I where I am a lot of time at mo with feeding the baby.

I did feel humiliated, actually. Deeply so.

OP posts:
ThisIsStartingToBoreMe · 21/03/2016 15:59

How long has she been with you

Original poster
alice298 · 21/03/2016 15:59

RoganJosh - she said exactly that, and I've been trying to keep that in mind....

OP posts:
stopfuckingshoutingatme · 21/03/2016 16:01

sack the bitch - really you don't need this tude in your home

IcingandSlicing · 21/03/2016 16:01

To stay on topic though and make a useful comment I would ask how would she react if you ask her politely to do this for you on that one occasion?
Did she still refuse?

BoffinMum · 21/03/2016 16:03

If you are prepared to open the door when she has friends round, then she should be prepared to open the door if the postman rings and nobody else hears or has a free hand.

Silly mare. This will be the thin end of the wedge. I bet her parents would think she's lost the plot completely.

MitzyLeFrouf · 21/03/2016 16:04

I did feel humiliated, actually. Deeply so.

If someone in your home makes you feel humiliated ask them to leave. You don't need this in your life.

BoffinMum · 21/03/2016 16:05

Yes, I was going to post that. I would get rid of her. The times when I haven't and let this sort of thing drift, it has always ended in tears, as many MNetters will know.

BoffinMum · 21/03/2016 16:06

It's pretty harsh of her to say that given the obvious niceness with birthday breakfasts and so on. Does she think people in the workplace routinely get taken out by bosses and made a fuss of on their birthdays? If she thinks that is normal, she is going to get a big wake-up call in her next job.

LeaLeander · 21/03/2016 16:07

She is beyond weird. Particularly if she is aware of you being hearing impaired/deaf, which I assume she is - and that in those circumstances being attuned to a doorbell would be particularly difficult to you - her response is very cold.

I'd arrange for her to be permanently off duty, as soon as you can. Do you have a contract with her?

Primaryteach87 · 21/03/2016 16:10

I can sort of see the au pairs perspective in one sense...as if I lived in a shared house and I say fell asleep or was having a bath or had headphones in etc etc I wouldn't feel responsible for a parcel not being delivered. Obviously, one would answer the door in normal circumstances...but maybe because you are her boss it made her feel she had to be 'on alert' to hear the bell even if she had other things going on or wanted to shower or Skype or change. The way she explained herself was really poor and made you feel rubbish but I (in the minority!) do see her point of view.