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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my au pair to open the door?

380 replies

alice298 · 21/03/2016 15:16

I just can't work out if I am being unreasonable or not... The other day I said to my au pair "if you hear the doorbell, please open the door as I'm expecting a parcel." I actually assumed if she heard the bell she would open it anyway as I think anyone living under a shared roof would automatically do so. But I asked specifically as I am 1. Deaf so often miss the bell, and 2. Have a newborn so am often trapped under a boob monster. Anyway, she said that when she is not officially on duty, she will not open the door unless she happens to be walking past or making a cup of tea (etc). She said she won't leave her room to open it.
I couldn't believe we were having this conversation, but didn't want to lose the plot already being deeply hormonal and emotional. So I just said - "okay please let me know when you're having a period during which you can't open it so I can make sure I am near the bell," and she said no, she didn't know when the mood would hit her not to open it so she didn't feel able to pre warn me.
I felt so upset by all this. I left it at there as I just couldn't bear to discuss it further, I didn't even know what to say. And now I find it hard to look at her in the face as I feel it is extraordinarily unkind, as well as selfish. But AIBU? If so I would love rational thinking so I can get over my current feeling of dislike towards her. I really want to be happy with her and get on with life, and finding it very hard to do so.
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
HowBadIsThisPlease · 21/03/2016 22:16

""okay please let me know when you're having a period during which you can't open it so I can make sure I am near the bell," and she said no, she didn't know when the mood would hit her not to open it so she didn't feel able to pre warn me."

Sorry but this is what you do when you're on reception. You aren't allowed to leave it unattended without telling anyone.

Some people are really struggling on this thread with some basic distinctions. It isn't opening a door that is impossibly difficult. It is being expected to negotiate free time within time that is already supposedly free.

She could be writing a novel for all you know. It doesn't matter what she is doing that isn't hanging about downstairs near the front door.

If she is so lovely to the children and speaks to them so nicely then it sounds like she takes her job really seriously. She thinks about how she speaks to them and everything she does with them. This takes concentration and is work. Dealing with her exhausted employer who has a tiny baby is probably hard work too (not trying to be mean, I am thinking about how I was when mine were newborn and I was sleepless). Give her a break.

Dovinia · 21/03/2016 22:33

Gwenhwyfar - if you are outraged that an au pair might help with meal prep or household chores in her off duty time, why would you expect her to clear up in off duty time Confused

Gwenhwyfar · 21/03/2016 22:46

Dovinia, she would be clearing up for herself. Doesn't everyone clear their own plate or do I live in a parallel universe?

justmyview · 21/03/2016 22:48

Blimey she sounds hard work, unless you live in a huge mansion and / or receive dozens of parcels

Dovinia · 21/03/2016 22:49

Doesn't everyone go to the shop for more milk if they use the last of it, hold a baby for the person cooking your dinner, empty the bin if it is full, lay the table before a meal you'll be eating?

And indeed, answer the door if they hear the bell go?

Gwenhwyfar · 21/03/2016 22:51

"Doesn't everyone go to the shop for more milk if they use the last of it"

That wasn't the situation you presented earlier. You implied you would SEND her to the shop even in her free time. You didn't say it would be because she had finished the milk and went of her own initiative.

MrsFogi · 21/03/2016 22:53

Late to this party but I would be finding a replacement for this au pair.

Dovinia · 21/03/2016 22:56

"Going to the shop for the milk that they drink/nip to the corner shop for milk"

I don't think that necessarily implies being sent to the shop in their free time.

But actually, if you are living as a member of a household and using milk, and the household needs milk, why wouldn't you go and get it? Would you expect a mother to take her small kids with her to the shop while you stayed at home to ensure you had milk for your coffee and cereal in the morning?

That kind of selfishness wouldn't work in an au pair for me.

Gwenhwyfar · 21/03/2016 23:02

"But actually, if you are living as a member of a household and using milk, and the household needs milk, why wouldn't you go and get it?"

I've worked in an office where I went to the shop for milk for my tea as well as others'. I wouldn't do it in my spare time. I think the point I'm trying to make is that even people who live in are entitled to time off. What is for you just a household chore is actually paid work for someone else. I don't think it's particularly selfish to want time off to be respected.

Dovinia · 21/03/2016 23:04

Unless you lived at your office as a family member with your colleagues, it isn't the same thing at all.

If it was me and we had run out of milk for the morning and the au pair was at home, I would ask if she either wanted to go to the shop, or sit with the kids while I went to the shop.

StealthPolarBear · 21/03/2016 23:31

" Why didn't you answer the door when I specifically asked you to listen out for it?"
"I was in the bath/meditating/having phone sex"
Can you not see how she might feel as though she's setting hrs elf up for a difficult conversation with her employer?

Italiangreyhound · 21/03/2016 23:34

Sorry but she sounds awful, YANBU.

I am under the impression that au pairs have certain set work hours. So, for example, if she were out during a time she was not working she would not be able to open the door and you would not be able to expect her to. BUT if she were in, even if she were not working it would not be unreasonable to ask her to open the door or alert you to the fact the door bell is ringing.

In a shared home you may find yourself opening the door for a delivery for her one day, so she needs some degree of give and take. Which she seems to lack!

I think you need a new au pair because this sort of thing will come up again and again.

I also think you should maybe address the fact you can't hear the bell and get some sort of special one or light up one as things may happen when an au pair is out.

If/when you employ a new au pair make it clear what you expect and why.

I have been an au pair and it is not easy. I was expected to pick up the kids' coats where they dropped them and to clean a dirty hob the next day, which felt a bit horrible like work was being kept for me. I also felt that even my very small room could be 'invaded' by the kids. Being an au pair in someone else's house is not easy but it really does need give and take.

Atenco · 22/03/2016 01:53

My two pence here is that if she in the UK to learn English, part of learning a language is learning the culture it belongs to. It is all very well saying that Austrians are forthright in their speech, but she is not in Austria now.

I used to teach English to Spanish students in Dublin. I made a point of giving them a class about how important it is to say please and thank you in our culture because apparently the Spanish don't say those words, which is fine in their country, but the Irish find really offensive.

SausagesAndLaughter · 22/03/2016 03:43

I would give the au-pair the benefit of the doubt and assume she didn't mean to come across as rude or hurtful. I still think you should have a chat with her about how she sees her role in your home, though. If she really does just have a bad attitude, then I'd let her go.

However, I completely understand what its like to be a live-in employee and from my own experience, it can be bloody stressful to feel like you always have to be "on."
It used to really grate on my nerves when I'd be lying in bed watching a dvd on my day off, when all of a sudden I'd have a knock on my bedroom door and asked if I could pop down and look after the kids for "2 minutes."
I wasn't even an au-pair, I worked on the family farm but my god, did I get roped into becoming one. Never again Angry.

Anyway, that is totally unrelated to your situation. I hope you can resolve things Flowers

Summerwood1 · 22/03/2016 04:56

Getrid

herecomethepotatoes · 22/03/2016 06:32

First, think if you are frequently asking for 'favours' outside her agreed hours. If not, I'd have a quick chat to see if it was her attitude or a language barrier. If she really meant it then I'd give her notice there and then.

I'm not 100% sure what an au pair is but we've employed 4 nannies / maids in the last decade, live-in and live-out. It all involves a lot of give and take.

For example, last Friday OH and I wanted to see friends after work so asked her to stay a couple of hours late. She was fine with that. She asked us to buy something online on our credit card and she repay us next pay day. We did and only docked her pay half the amount.

When someone's working in your home and looking after it / your children, you don't want an employee as such; there needs to be an element of friendship.

merrymouse · 22/03/2016 06:44

An au pair is not like another worker. She is supposed to live as a member of the family - that is what the word means. In return for light domestic duties and some childcare the AP lives with the family, experiences a foreign culture and receives pocket money. It is exchange student + babysitting.

Yes, some au pairs are exploited and are expected to be nannies. However, opening the door for somebody is just living as part of the family.

RedRoots · 22/03/2016 07:00

YABVU.

Of course she should open the door when on duty.

But off-duty is HER time, she shouldn't be running errands for you or doing favours. Should she also be on-call on her days off?

There are multiple reasons she might not want to leave her room when off-duty. Maybe she's in her PJs/underwear, or waxing her upper lip, or wearing a face mask. Maybe she's talking to family on the phone or concentrating on a book or studying. Maybe she objects to the principal of what you're asking- I would.

Everyone needs downtime, to have some private time undisturbed and uninterrupted. Especially when you're living in a new place, with a new family, in an unfamiliar country. She is an employee not a family member.

Get the parcels delivered to a neighbour or left by the back door.

merrymouse · 22/03/2016 07:24

No, an au pair is not an employee.

www.gov.uk/au-pairs-employment-law/au-pairs

It is true that some au pairs are exploited, and there should be a clear understanding of what each party expects from the arrangement.

However an au pair lives as part of the family and is not employed by them.

Throwingshadeagain · 22/03/2016 07:40

I'd like to hear the au pair's point of view.

I'm suspicious that many posters saying au pair's are part of the family and should muck in are the very mothers I see ripping the piss out of their au pairs! Yes one or two extra two minute chores a week - fine. But when that adds up to 6,7,8,9, 10 extra little two minute chores a week, it's not fine.

Lonecatwithkitten · 22/03/2016 07:43

I find au pairs ( I am on number 6 over 10 years now) do not like answering the door full stop. Even when they are 'on duty' unless they are specifically expecting someone they don't answer the door.
Whether it is fear of being asked something they don't understand or just don't want to do it who knows.
I am just used to collecting my own parcels now and accept this is one of the downsides.

IME only truly exceptional APs answer the house phone too.

merrymouse · 22/03/2016 07:48

throwing an au pair does live as part of the family.

It is very true that some au pairs are exploited and expected to work as nannies, and if your au pair is 32 and has been 'au pairing' in the same country for a decade, it's a bit of a stretch to argue that they are on a cultural exchange. Clearly some people do use the laxer labour laws re:au pairing to get cheap domestic staff.

However, that doesn't change the definition of what an au pair is supposed to be.

StealthPolarBear · 22/03/2016 07:54

Redroots f she lived independently she'd answer the door. Presumably it could be a visitor or parcel for her. While she's living in that home it's her front door too. I completely agree she should answer it, as should any (old enough) member of the household. However what I object to is being specifically asked to prioritise that task by her boss when she isn't on duty.

whois · 22/03/2016 07:58

On pretty much the first page I posted 'get rid' thinking this was representative of her attitude to the entire au pair set up.

However the Ops subsequent updates, and other people explaining the importance of defined down time for the au pair have changed my mind.

As others have said, she could be doing anything in her room and not want to come out to answer door. And she shouldn't have to explain to the OP that she is about to be unavailable for 30 mins whilst she is on the phone to her boyfriend. Or whatever.

whois · 22/03/2016 07:59

Redroots f she lived independently she'd answer the door.

I don't answer the door unless I am expecting a delivery.