To expect my au pair to open the door?

[alice298]

I just can't work out if I am being unreasonable or not... The other day I said to my au pair "if you hear the doorbell, please open the door as I'm expecting a parcel." I actually assumed if she heard the bell she would open it anyway as I think anyone living under a shared roof would automatically do so. But I asked specifically as I am 1. Deaf so often miss the bell, and 2. Have a newborn so am often trapped under a boob monster. Anyway, she said that when she is not officially on duty, she will not open the door unless she happens to be walking past or making a cup of tea (etc). She said she won't leave her room to open it.
I couldn't believe we were having this conversation, but didn't want to lose the plot already being deeply hormonal and emotional. So I just said - "okay please let me know when you're having a period during which you can't open it so I can make sure I am near the bell," and she said no, she didn't know when the mood would hit her not to open it so she didn't feel able to pre warn me.
I felt so upset by all this. I left it at there as I just couldn't bear to discuss it further, I didn't even know what to say. And now I find it hard to look at her in the face as I feel it is extraordinarily unkind, as well as selfish. But AIBU? If so I would love rational thinking so I can get over my current feeling of dislike towards her. I really want to be happy with her and get on with life, and finding it very hard to do so.
Thanks in advance!

Well, actual family often don't have another family at home to go back to.

Or are you suggesting you do stuff like change the wifi password to punish her like a recalcitrant family teen?

She is someone invited into your home to live as part of the family. Living as part of the family works both ways and she is taking, not giving in that respect. Of course you can say that the relationship isn't working and call it a day.

The deal is to be treated as a part of the family when not "on duty".

If the OPs brother came to stay for a week, it would not be unreasonable to say to him "Oh, im expecting a parcel, could you keep an ear out for it?". By saying "Im doing absolutely nothing for you when youre not paying me", the au pair is not acting like part of the family.

Yanbu op. I work in a major supermarket, and after I finished my shift the other day and was back in for a bit of shopping, a customer asked me where a certain product was kept, I thought nothing of telling him, it would of been absurd for me to say "sorry I'm not on shift so I'm not helping you"

I don't know if YABU or not.

I think if you were saying to her, if you hear the door, please open it as I'm expecting a parcel - that's ok.

But if you were saying, can you listen out for the door and make sure you open it because I'm expecting a parcel and I'm not going to get up and answer it - that's not ok.

Maybe she just wanted to have a sleep or whatever.

I don't know if I've explained what I mean. I think she maybe didn't want you to rely on her to do it when she was having a break.

I kind of get what she means in some ways - having worked as a PA for many years. You get asked to do a multitude of things that are not in your job remit or outside hours. I work from home, usually from 9am to 3pm. My boss will phone me at 4pm and say, can you just do this (which she could easily done herself). It pisses me off no end. Yes it will take me one minute. But I'm not working now - I'm playing with my dc, making the tea, sleeping or whatever.