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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my au pair to open the door?

380 replies

alice298 · 21/03/2016 15:16

I just can't work out if I am being unreasonable or not... The other day I said to my au pair "if you hear the doorbell, please open the door as I'm expecting a parcel." I actually assumed if she heard the bell she would open it anyway as I think anyone living under a shared roof would automatically do so. But I asked specifically as I am 1. Deaf so often miss the bell, and 2. Have a newborn so am often trapped under a boob monster. Anyway, she said that when she is not officially on duty, she will not open the door unless she happens to be walking past or making a cup of tea (etc). She said she won't leave her room to open it.
I couldn't believe we were having this conversation, but didn't want to lose the plot already being deeply hormonal and emotional. So I just said - "okay please let me know when you're having a period during which you can't open it so I can make sure I am near the bell," and she said no, she didn't know when the mood would hit her not to open it so she didn't feel able to pre warn me.
I felt so upset by all this. I left it at there as I just couldn't bear to discuss it further, I didn't even know what to say. And now I find it hard to look at her in the face as I feel it is extraordinarily unkind, as well as selfish. But AIBU? If so I would love rational thinking so I can get over my current feeling of dislike towards her. I really want to be happy with her and get on with life, and finding it very hard to do so.
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Dovinia · 21/03/2016 16:13

Seeing as she is good in other ways, I would sit down with her and your DH and have a discussion about her role and responsibilities.

Yes, she is working for you and has time 'off duty', but she is also living as part of your household and that means doing things like answering the door, unloading the dishwasher, putting shopping away even if she is 'off duty'. I would be very clear on this point and give her a warning that her behaviour was unacceptable.

If she isn't willing or able to live as a member of your household, then she can't live in your house.

Original poster
alice298 · 21/03/2016 16:13

I will try to answer the questions:
She has been with us since beginning of Jan. So since before the baby was born.
She definitely knows I am deaf, I am profoundly deaf and lip read.
BoffinMum - I said to her, what if I refused to open the door for you and you missed a parcel or friend? And she said that she would never ask me to do such a thing, it would be 'wrong'.
She is 28, and from Austria.
We have a contract but it is 4 weeks notice and says either one can give notice if not happy in some way.

OP posts:
Original poster
alice298 · 21/03/2016 16:17

Primaryteach87 thank you for your post from the other side as it were, it's partly what she meant and I'm trying to repeat that to myself. However, she wouldn't open under normal circs if off duty either, that's the problem. I think the real issue is what is behind her thought process...

OP posts:
TubbyTabby · 21/03/2016 16:20

i'd hand her her notice.
back off to austria with her.
is she from brannau-am-inn? (sorry grins)

GrumpyOldBag · 21/03/2016 16:21

You need to have a simple conversation - she is living with you as part of your family, and you would expect anyone living under your roof to show some basic courtesies to help ensure the household runs smoothly. This is just one of them.

Does she understand the consequences of missing a delivery e.g. you might have to make a long trip to a parcel depot somewhere to pick it up...

Calaisienne · 21/03/2016 16:24

I deal with a lot of different nationalities and cultures and find that phrases that we would consider rude in English are more than acceptable in another language. Simply because she has made a bald statement does not mean she intends to be rude.

An English person might say "I'm really sorry but when I am not responsible for the children I like to listen to my headphones, or lose myself in a good book. I can't guarantee to be listening for the door, but if I'm passing, or I hear it, of course I'll answer it, other languages or cultures simply do not go in for all the hand wringing and soft soap that a refusal is usually disguised with.

I would not assume she has been deliberately rude/disrespectful, nor would I report her to her agency. However you do need to have a conversation with her about whether she is an employee and therefore her downtime is her responsibility (i.e. when off duty she can come and go as she likes and need not tell you if she is staying out all night etc, and certainly does not need to answer the door) or a member of the family where anyone answers the door, goes out for family birthday teas, gets treats etc.

Doobigetta · 21/03/2016 16:29

Answering the door isn't part of her job, it's part of the give and take of living with other people. If she's quite young and she has been ok in other regards, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt that it could just be differing expectations. Sit her down and give her a list of things she has to do as an adult member of the family- including answering the door/phone, replacing milk if she uses it all, checking that doors are locked before she goes out, etc.

Dovinia · 21/03/2016 16:31

I think one of the issues is that 28 is a bit too old to be an au pair. It's not really a proper adult job - it's a way for a young person to live abroad, travel, learn a language, party etc and also have the security of living with and being looked after by a family.

If this woman just wants to do a job, for a boss, get paid and switch off at 5pm she should go and get a proper job.

A younger person would probably be happier/more flexible about fulfilling the big sister/fun auntie type role.

CharlyWooplus2 · 21/03/2016 16:32

It's just that it's not very kind.... and I can't help but think that when you've just had a baby you need that extra support, and she must have known when she took the job on, so she'd need to muck in as a family member.

I would feel so disappointed if I had a grown up child, DS or DD, who just simply wasn't kind and wouldn't put themselves out of their comfort zone occasionally....you weren't asking her to stay on high alert every single day...from what I understand of your OP anyway. I'm not sure this is the influence I'd want on my DC, nor do I think I could be surrounded in my home by someone that I thought was just fundamentally unkind and selfish.

You could try explaining the impact of what she said to you and take it from there, i.e. if she resolutely stands by her position then I would hand her her notice, but if she can says it just came across badly and she has an explanation that seems ok to you, then just monitor it closely.

Penfold007 · 21/03/2016 16:33

Your au-pair has very good boundaries and is confident enough to tell you. If she is good at her job and you want to keep her then you need to form a more employer/employee relationship, she can't have it both ways and be treated like a member of the family.

LaurieFairyCake · 21/03/2016 16:33

I completely disagree with just about everyone. If I was off duty I also wouldn't answer the door unless I happened to be passing.

While off duty I might be reading, in the bath, listening to music, watching TV. I would likely not hear the door as I'm not listening for it. If you wanted me to be available to answer the door id expect to be on duty

Under what circumstances do you want her to answer the door? Is she to get out the bath? Stop watching TV? What if she's asleep?

If you said to me 'only if you hear it' that would be fine. As I wouldn't hear or notice it.

septembersunshine · 21/03/2016 16:41

This is just basic stuff. She should open the door when it rings and trust me, if you don't get rid of her soon, this one thing is going to drive you insane. Plus, like others have said. Is she kind to your child? she's not kind to you - an adult! her employer!! Gotta get her to leave NOW!

8angle · 21/03/2016 16:43

Hi OP, having read your follow up comments she actually sounds great in nearly all respects, and maybe she was just concerned that you might miss your parcel because she might not be around to answer the door, or might not hear it (have earphones on in her room etc) and didn't want there to be any confusion.

Sometimes when people are expressing themselves in not their native language (even is she speaks very good English) it could come across all wrong.
Why don't you sit down with her and explain that you were disappointed by her response and thought the relationship was one more akin to "family member" than employee and what is her understanding of the situation.

You will be able to tell a lot by her reaction - she may well be very embarrassed and feel she has been misunderstood.

Dovinia · 21/03/2016 16:47

LaurieFairyCake - under what circumstances would you expect teen/adult family member to answer the door in your house? Not if they are in the bath or asleep, but if they are reading or watching TV then yes, I would.

I would also expect an au pair to hold the baby if I am cooking dinner, take rubbish out, nip to the corner shop to get milk, lay the table even if they are 'off duty'.

leelu66 · 21/03/2016 16:48

She has made it clear frequently that she doesn't expect to be treated like an employee in the subservient sense. I mean, in the sense I am her boss. So we do things like take her out for a birthday breakfast, buy her treats and so on. To show the friend aspect of it iykwim. So then when this happened and she said "as an employee I consider myself to be off duty in the fullest sense when I am 'off duty'" it felt like a real kick in the teeth.

She can't have it both ways.

If she wants to be treated as family then she gets the birthday breakfast, treats and so on. But she needs to behave like a family member and help you out.

If she considers herself an employee then yes, she can clock off at a certain time but then shouldn't expect to be treated like family and get treats.

floppyjogger · 21/03/2016 16:48

I agree with Calaisienne

My close friend is from the CR. We used to infuriate her because apparently none of us Brits ever say what we are really thinking or feeling and waste endless words on dancing around a subject to which we usually end up agreeing with something we dont want to do!

Her on the other hand would always express her honest opinion and thoughts if asked which got her in shit loads of trouble at work Grin

I dont think its a language barrier but could very well be a culture difference. You asked, she didnt want to commit to your request so told you so.

Simple answer in her culture, rude in ours.

Oldraver · 21/03/2016 16:49

She cant have it both ways...expect NOT to be treated as an employee and more a family member when it comes to treats then not participate in the normal family niceties

HowBadIsThisPlease · 21/03/2016 16:50

I can see her POV in this. It's not something you implicitly expected her to do while sitting in the kitchen reading a magazine in her jeans, naturally, as people do when they're about in public space. It's something you asked her to do, thereby she understood it as something she should prioritise, which means not doing other things (have a nap with earplugs in, have a bath with face pack on, start a long complicated difficult conversation with her financial advisor, etc)

If you can't make it to the door because your baby might be on the breast, then maybe she can't make it to the door because she's having phone sex with her boyfriend back home. Why does she have to drop everything when you don't?

I agree with a pp who said that things in other cultures aren't rude that are in English. I bet she didn't mean to humiliate you, but she works hard when she's on duty and puts her duties first; and doesn't want to be asked to do things outside those times, because she really is not paid to be.

I can see why you are upset, but I see her POV,

In her shoes I would have done as asked and been a bit pissed off about not being able to disappear and feeling responsible for the parcel. She is more direct than me.

Of course anyone up and about and near the door should open it, but this is not what you asked.

Stormtreader · 21/03/2016 16:51

Your au-pair has very good boundaries and is confident enough to tell you. If she is good at her job and you want to keep her then you need to form a more employer/employee relationship, she can't have it both ways and be treated like a member of the family.

This. If she wants to be an employee then no more birthday meals, treats or other "friend" things, unless they're only at the level of what you might expect from a fellow employee ie "I'm making a tea, would you like one?"

middlings · 21/03/2016 16:51

Her attitude is very strange. If I was in a house where I lived, and the doorbell rang, I'd answer it!

I think you need to tell her she's upset you - that was really unkind of her.

Congratulations on your new baby Flowers

HormonalHeap · 21/03/2016 16:52

I've had lots of au pairs- that is not just unreasonable it's nasty. Why would you want someone like that living under your roof? Get rid!! And meanwhile if she asks you how to pronounce something in English, just say "sorry, off duty!"

Peasandsweetcorn · 21/03/2016 16:57

Having worked as an au pair and remembering being in my room & weighing up whether to go downstairs & make a cup of tea or not as I really wanted to finish my book but knew that, as soon as I went downstairs, I would be dragged into playing with the DC or "just quickly" hanging out the washing, making a snack for them etc, I do have some sympathy with the au pair. Sometimes, it was nice to be off duty & hear family life going on around me (outside or downstairs) and knowing I wasn't obliged to intervene.
I should say I worked way over my contracted 25 hours & got on really well with the family but it was nice to have a break.

StealthPolarBear · 21/03/2016 16:59

I can see Laurie point. I suspect if you hadn't asked them she would have answered the door. Bit because she'd been given a direct instruction, of she'd failed to answer the door and you'd missed the parcel she would have failed on an aspect of her job iyswim. And she was meant to be off duty. Would you have expected her to not put headphones on /go in shower etc?

TheDowagerCuntess · 21/03/2016 17:01

I would normally see both sides of if - I would only expect our au pair to answer the door of she was home and we weren't. I would never expect her to answer it if we were in, regardless of whether or not she was on duty or not.

However, as you're deaf, this puts a very different spin on it. Her complete refusal to do it - not just if she's physically incapable by being in the bath, or something - is quite unkind.

Completely your call if you feel this is deal-breaker territory. How able do you feel to say this? That this is that much of an issue for you that you might have to let her go?

MaidOfStars · 21/03/2016 17:01

She is not answering the door as an au pair but as a member of a shared household.