Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my au pair to open the door?

380 replies

alice298 · 21/03/2016 15:16

I just can't work out if I am being unreasonable or not... The other day I said to my au pair "if you hear the doorbell, please open the door as I'm expecting a parcel." I actually assumed if she heard the bell she would open it anyway as I think anyone living under a shared roof would automatically do so. But I asked specifically as I am 1. Deaf so often miss the bell, and 2. Have a newborn so am often trapped under a boob monster. Anyway, she said that when she is not officially on duty, she will not open the door unless she happens to be walking past or making a cup of tea (etc). She said she won't leave her room to open it.
I couldn't believe we were having this conversation, but didn't want to lose the plot already being deeply hormonal and emotional. So I just said - "okay please let me know when you're having a period during which you can't open it so I can make sure I am near the bell," and she said no, she didn't know when the mood would hit her not to open it so she didn't feel able to pre warn me.
I felt so upset by all this. I left it at there as I just couldn't bear to discuss it further, I didn't even know what to say. And now I find it hard to look at her in the face as I feel it is extraordinarily unkind, as well as selfish. But AIBU? If so I would love rational thinking so I can get over my current feeling of dislike towards her. I really want to be happy with her and get on with life, and finding it very hard to do so.
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 23/03/2016 17:21

I think the fact that this thread goes around in circles is something to do with the ambivalence people feel about delegating wifework, employing staff, deference to elders and all sorts of things. It says a lot about how unresolved these issues are in society that we can't agree on something as daft as answering the door and whether that's reasonable. I have to say I don't think blokes would feel as tortured about this and spend 326 posts debating it.

Sprink · 23/03/2016 17:37

Forgive me if this has been answered. I have RTFT but at fourteen pages Hmm I might have missed something:

The other day I said to my au pair "if you hear the doorbell, please open the door as I'm expecting a parcel."

Has the fecking parcel arrived?

If so, who answered the door?

Original poster
alice298 · 23/03/2016 18:49

Crikey maybe we should all move on! Thank you all for the thoughtfulness.

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 23/03/2016 20:02

Spring Grin

Bailey101 · 23/03/2016 20:08

Spring has a good point - where's the bloody parcel?!?!!! Grin

BoGrainger · 23/03/2016 22:45

Haha, yes. Maybe the AP is holding off having a bath or nap etc not realising the parcel has already arrived Grin

Putty · 23/03/2016 23:00

Oh Alice, YANBU. Get a new au pair asap, and don't feel bad about it.

Putty · 23/03/2016 23:01

I replied and realised there are 14 pages. Blush

Gwenhwyfar · 24/03/2016 09:20

Boffin, your foul mouthed DS has presumably no or very little work experience yet. He doesn't yet know what it's like to be expected to do unpaid overtime in a low paid job with no chance of promotion. I don't think he knows much about workers' rights.

Original poster
alice298 · 24/03/2016 10:52

Boffin I wouldn't even reply to that rude post just now re your DS. It's completely inaccurate anyway re au pair scenario. And thank you for your amusing post re DS, he sounds like a nice (sweary!) boy!

OP posts:
SilverDragonfly1 · 24/03/2016 11:10

Boffin Your DS sounds great (kind of like mine actually). It's not just 'work ethic' it's basic human kindness. Give him a high five from me!

Fraggleyourock · 24/03/2016 11:35

Boffin, I thought you're DS seemed sensible and kind. He also sounds like he gives you a good laugh! Who gives a toss if he swears! Ignore the unnecessary, judgemental comment!

BlueJug · 24/03/2016 11:39

I second the question:

The other day I said to my au pair "if you hear the doorbell, please open the door as I'm expecting a parcel."

Has the fecking parcel arrived?

If so, who answered the door?

Please OP?

ExtraHotLatteToGo · 24/03/2016 11:43

14 bloody pages about a door bell 😁

I realise it's been done to death, but hey...

YANBU to ask '...if she hears it, could she please answer it'.

YABU to then ask her to let you know when she has periods of not being able to answer it, because by default you are making her responsible for listening out for it unless she tells you otherwise and that's beyond 'if you hear it'.

Also, I agree that most people from Austria/Germany are FAR more forthright & don't pussy foot around like we do, they are much better at just sayng how they feel. It feels rude to us, but actually it's far better.

I definitely think you need to act as if she isn't home when she's not 'on the clock'. It's really only fair. Likewise there's no need to hide out upstairs, you are a breast feeding mum in your own home, feed your baby where it suits you. It's not like you are boffing the window cleaner on the kitchen bench 😁

She seems good in all other ways, which to me, already balances out the treats etc

ChicChantal · 24/03/2016 11:48

Hm. Was this a one-off or do you often ask her to do things when she's not strictly speaking on duty? I'm asking because many years ago I was an au pair, and as well as working a certain number of hours a day, was expected by my employer to do all kinds of odds and ends during my non-working hours, including babysitting the kids during the day. The end result was I put in a lot of unpaid overtime. So basically I would say if this was a one-off, she was being pretty unhelpful. However if you often ask her to do things when she's not supposed to be working, I could understand her not wanting to help out.

SlimCheesy · 24/03/2016 11:53

I need to know if the parcel arrived too now.

re AP. It is natural human behaviour to open a door if it rings in a house you live in.

I'm with Boffin's son too.

SlimCheesy · 24/03/2016 11:55

although th two posts above me also have valid points about regular requests when off duty.

[arse splinters]

IceBeing · 24/03/2016 12:07

I need to know not only whether the parcel arrived but what is in it..... Grin

Original poster
alice298 · 24/03/2016 12:33

The parcel arrived! I opened the door. It had in it ..... (Sorry) 2 packs of salted caramel brownies. Worth the tears methinks!

OP posts:
IceBeing · 24/03/2016 12:34

ohhhhh...you can get brownies in the post!?!?!

OnlyLovers · 24/03/2016 12:37

you can get brownies in the post!?!?!

I know. Whole new vistas of possibilities are opening up... Grin

Radiatorvalves · 24/03/2016 12:39

Have you spoken to AP? How did the conversation go?

mix56 · 24/03/2016 12:43

well no salted caramel brownie to be shared with the not family member :o(

Serenelight · 24/03/2016 12:45

Bad attitude. What if the doorbell rang because there was a package for her? Would she expect you to answer it? This is similar to concept of "I am not going to help empty dishwasher because I am not working" well you are still eating and living here when you are not working. It works both ways. I would change to an au pair who understands the give and take better and also someone with a kinder nature. When you have someone living in your house you don't need that attitude. I am sure that you do things for her all the time and if she can't reciprocate then her problem.

Serenelight · 24/03/2016 12:54

And I have both been an au pair and employed au pairs

Swipe left for the next trending thread