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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my au pair to open the door?

380 replies

alice298 · 21/03/2016 15:16

I just can't work out if I am being unreasonable or not... The other day I said to my au pair "if you hear the doorbell, please open the door as I'm expecting a parcel." I actually assumed if she heard the bell she would open it anyway as I think anyone living under a shared roof would automatically do so. But I asked specifically as I am 1. Deaf so often miss the bell, and 2. Have a newborn so am often trapped under a boob monster. Anyway, she said that when she is not officially on duty, she will not open the door unless she happens to be walking past or making a cup of tea (etc). She said she won't leave her room to open it.
I couldn't believe we were having this conversation, but didn't want to lose the plot already being deeply hormonal and emotional. So I just said - "okay please let me know when you're having a period during which you can't open it so I can make sure I am near the bell," and she said no, she didn't know when the mood would hit her not to open it so she didn't feel able to pre warn me.
I felt so upset by all this. I left it at there as I just couldn't bear to discuss it further, I didn't even know what to say. And now I find it hard to look at her in the face as I feel it is extraordinarily unkind, as well as selfish. But AIBU? If so I would love rational thinking so I can get over my current feeling of dislike towards her. I really want to be happy with her and get on with life, and finding it very hard to do so.
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Chinesealan · 22/03/2016 17:16

Sounds very German. In her mind, her response is perfectly logical.
If she's that type then you need to mirror that in your response. Give her a logical reason why it's no problem for her to answer the door if she happens to hear it.

HowBadIsThisPlease · 22/03/2016 17:53

Well the logical response is not waffle about "if you hear it... but don't listen out, oh no... but if you want to stay in your room I want you tell me in advance what you're going to do ... so if you could actually listen out but I fully accept you're not going to listen out.... do you know I am rather upset about this -"

the logical response is

"OK. if you're downstairs and hear the bell, fine, otherwise, don't worry"

The "if" clause, by the way, Only, only reasonably relates to the AP's circumstances - "if you are downstairs" "if you hear it" "if you aren't indisposed" - there is no reasonable way you can relate it to the OP's circimstances, as you did - "if I haven't heard it" - without putting full responsibility on the AP - which is what the OP is not withdrawing fully from doing, while saying she is, with all this waffling

HowBadIsThisPlease · 22/03/2016 17:55

Frankly if it were me, the sentence in my head would be "ok so am I doing this door thing or not?" but of course saying that would be insanity so I would smirk and cringe and probably end up on the phone 5 minutes later saying "Hi, are you doing anything? Can I hang out at yours? It's my afternoon off and I'm knackered and I'v had it up to here with everything, but my boss is being weird about some delivery or something so I think it would be easier to go out to be honest"

OnlyLovers · 22/03/2016 18:09

How, genuinely, seriously, if someone said to you 'It'd be great if you could answer the door if you hear it', you'd have to think long and hard about whether you were 'doing this door thing or not'? Hmm

Rather than just think 'OK, if I hear it and I'm not just getting comfortable with a book/trimming my pubes then I'll answer it; if not, no sweat.'?

There really is nowt so queer...

HowBadIsThisPlease · 22/03/2016 18:15

"if you hear the doorbell, please open the door as I'm expecting a parcel."

this isn't "if you aren't indisposed" - it's "if you hear it"

"I actually assumed if she heard the bell she would open it anyway as I think anyone living under a shared roof would automatically do so." But I asked specifically as I am 1. Deaf so often miss the bell, and 2. Have a newborn so am often trapped under a boob monster. "

Right, so she is actively asking for more than just "if you're around"

"Anyway, she said that when she is not officially on duty, she will not open the door unless she happens to be walking past or making a cup of tea (etc). She said she won't leave her room to open it. "

So - if not indisposed she will; she won't rearrange her private activities for this.

"I couldn't believe we were having this conversation, but didn't want to lose the plot already being deeply hormonal and emotional."

yep this is a problem here (I've been there!)

" So I just said - "okay please let me know when you're having a period during which you can't open it so I can make sure I am near the bell," and she said no, she didn't know when the mood would hit her not to open it so she didn't feel able to pre warn me."

No, she doesn't want to let you know when she's going to her room in her free time. or basically negotiate for free time (in her free time)

What OnlyLovers is presenting as the logical reasonable thing to do is what the AP has offered to do, but the OP has asked more and isn't admitting to it by fudging

OnlyLovers · 22/03/2016 18:28

the OP has asked more and isn't admitting to it by fudging

No she hasn't. She said to say I didn't expect her to listen out but to open if she did happen to hear it.

Christ. Bored now.

CreepingDogFart · 22/03/2016 19:33

If you hear a door and you're off duty it takes less than one minute to deal with the door situation. Good will?

Spandexpants007 · 22/03/2016 20:11

Good will is allowing the AP a break

AlastorMoody · 22/03/2016 20:14

Ex au pair here - I was often asked to do many things which were unreasonable but this was not one of them! YADDDNBU!! What a lazy mare she is. If she's going out, fine, but if she's in then she should do what anyone else would do and open the door! Don't put up with it OP, am no longer an au pair but would never say no even now if my boss asked me to do something as small as that.

maydancer · 22/03/2016 21:14

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

maydancer · 22/03/2016 21:16

I think the AP actrually doesnot want the responsibility of listening out for the door put on her.She might want to be in the bath, sleeping , listening to music and not be held responsible for the non-delivery of the parcel.

wiltingfast · 22/03/2016 21:43

Fgs I would expect anyone in the house, living there, visiting there, whatever, to answer the door unless it was very inconvenient for whatever reason.

That is just what you do when you live somewhere.

Can you imagine the reaction of fellow renters if you refused to answer the door unless you were sure it was for you (I'm assuming she would answer in that scenario) Bonkers. I was sure she was going to be really young, but she's 28? And you've been bringing her out for birthday treats?!!

Gwenhwyfar · 22/03/2016 21:58

"YANBU! I'd be reminder her who the boss is.

Another enlightened view..."

So the OP is the boss, but the au pair is not an employee and is not allowed normal workers' rights??

HowBadIsThisPlease · 22/03/2016 22:09

(AGH I can't BELIEVE I am still doing this)

"Can you imagine the reaction of fellow renters if you refused to answer the door unless you were sure it was for you"

THE OP IS IN THE HOUSE AND DOESN'T WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR GETTING IN HER OWN DELIVERY. this is the equivalent of being in a rented house and saying to your flatmate "get my delivery when it comes. I might be doing something else" while ignoring the fact that so might the flatmate.

which is obviously being crap to your flatmate and the OP only considered talking to the AP like that because she subconsciously considers her an employee and of "runner" status at all times.

Nobody - including the AP - is suggesting that one should artificially ignore the doorbell. Instead they are saying that everyone should be "on duty" equally, including the OP, and not especially the AP. Who shouldn't need to drop everything (her vibrator) when out of commission in her room

I am genuinely not coming back to this thread again as some of you are SO obtuse.

Not the OP! who is clearly thinking about it and and is a great listener who started a thread and then engaged with the answers. and thanks to others who said nice things about my posts.

the rest of you - breathe a sigh of relief - I'm gone

whois · 22/03/2016 22:14

Can you imagine the reaction of fellow renters if you refused to answer the door unless you were sure it was for you

I lived in a shared house for many years. In one them, my room was in the attic. No fucking way was I leaping down the stairs if I was relaxing in my room to answer the door unless I was expecting a visitor or a parcel.

whois · 22/03/2016 22:16

Or a house mate had explicitly asked me to be 'on duty' as thry were expecting an important parcel but couldn't be in.

wiltingfast · 22/03/2016 23:05

She was asked to keep an ear out for the bell. She said not only would she not go that, she would never in fact answer the door.

This was back up. Not a demand to sit by door while op peeled an orange.

wiltingfast · 22/03/2016 23:06

I would certainly agree to such a request from a housemate. It's ordinary courtesy.

Original poster
alice298 · 22/03/2016 23:45

Maydancer I am deeply offended by your remark. Actually, I am profoundly deaf and depend entirely on lip reading. Hearing aids do nothing for me. I have a flashing and very loud doorbell, but at the moment am often in my bedroom as I am feeding the aforementioned baby, and am sure my AP would be rather offended by the sight of my large nipples day in day out so I do her the courtesy of keeping my breasts to myself in my bedroom. That was uncalled for.

OP posts:
Fraggleyourock · 22/03/2016 23:53

Shock* maydancer!!! I think you owe Alice* one huge apology!! I would be frankly embarrassed if I were you! What a terrible and inconsiderate thing to say!

Fraggleyourock · 22/03/2016 23:54

Don't know what happened to my "bold" text there

olympicsrock · 23/03/2016 04:58

No she is not kind. I am in a similar situation to you and the contrast in attitude from my 19 year old mothers help is stark. I would not continue employing this au pair.

Damselindestress · 23/03/2016 05:24

It's not that the au pair is expected to be constantly by the door but just answer it if she happens to hear it and be able to. I don't think that is BU. Obviously if she was unable to, for example using the bathroom, that would be understandable, the issue is her attitude that she would never leave her room to answer the door. She seems to want to be treated like a member of the household not only an employee when it suits her but then when asked to do something as simple as open a door during her time off suddenly becomes a jobsworth. I have happily taken in deliveries for my housemate if I heard the door and they didn't and they do the same for me. I can't imagine knowing that someone I lived with was profoundly deaf and couldn't hear the door and not helping, just thinking 'fuck it, I'm not on duty'. That's not really an example you want setting to your children, only help others if you're obligated to and get something out of it. Co operation and consideration are important parts of living together and it sounds like you are giving her more than she gives you.

catsrus · 23/03/2016 06:36

I had APs when the DC were little and they really varied. My DC now are the same age as some of our APs were so it's interesting to compare what I ask of them in terms of living in a shared house and helping out. Answering the door if you hear it, when you know another member of the household has not, is basic good manners. I think you need to explain this to her in terms of cultural differences - she is here to learn about a different culture, she needs to understand this. She is NOT your friend if she refuses to do this - she wants you to use this word but is not behaving as a friend would. She is the one who is confused.

I had an AP who was a friend, 20yrs later we are still FB friends. When she left us we helped her get a non AP job where she thrived and went on to do really well. She behaved like a friend who lived with us, was treated like that, and the relationship was great.

Gwenhwyfar · 23/03/2016 07:44

"I would certainly agree to such a request from a housemate. It's ordinary courtesy."

But your housemate is not your boss. Your boss could theoretically tell you off if you missed the doorbell so it's a responsibility and a burden. It's one thing to be willing to open the door if you're close by and you hear it, it's another to have the responsibility for it.