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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my au pair to open the door?

380 replies

alice298 · 21/03/2016 15:16

I just can't work out if I am being unreasonable or not... The other day I said to my au pair "if you hear the doorbell, please open the door as I'm expecting a parcel." I actually assumed if she heard the bell she would open it anyway as I think anyone living under a shared roof would automatically do so. But I asked specifically as I am 1. Deaf so often miss the bell, and 2. Have a newborn so am often trapped under a boob monster. Anyway, she said that when she is not officially on duty, she will not open the door unless she happens to be walking past or making a cup of tea (etc). She said she won't leave her room to open it.
I couldn't believe we were having this conversation, but didn't want to lose the plot already being deeply hormonal and emotional. So I just said - "okay please let me know when you're having a period during which you can't open it so I can make sure I am near the bell," and she said no, she didn't know when the mood would hit her not to open it so she didn't feel able to pre warn me.
I felt so upset by all this. I left it at there as I just couldn't bear to discuss it further, I didn't even know what to say. And now I find it hard to look at her in the face as I feel it is extraordinarily unkind, as well as selfish. But AIBU? If so I would love rational thinking so I can get over my current feeling of dislike towards her. I really want to be happy with her and get on with life, and finding it very hard to do so.
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
mix56 · 23/03/2016 07:59

Please put me out of my misery, is she french ?

maydancer · 23/03/2016 08:08

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Catsize · 23/03/2016 08:09

Well done maydancer. Should blind people just get better specs? Can't believe someone could even think like you. Unless they are about 5.
OP, YANBU. You sound more than considerate.
And as for the pop who said about 28yr olds and birthday breakfasts? I am 38 today. Scrambled egg and smoked salmon on toast being prepared downstairs by my OH and children!

Catsize · 23/03/2016 08:10

And the fact you don't get why the OP is offended is even more bizarre.

wiltingfast · 23/03/2016 08:21

The OP said she was deeply humiliated in fact.

SoupDragon · 23/03/2016 08:25

THE OP IS IN THE HOUSE AND DOESN'T WANT TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR GETTING IN HER OWN DELIVERY.

Total nonsense. Have you actually read what the OP said??

Nobody - including the AP - is suggesting that one should artificially ignore the doorbell.

That is exactly what the AP said.

PercyPigTheSecond · 23/03/2016 08:26

I think this has probably been blown out of all proportion. Maybe AP was tired when you asked her, maybe she wants some uninterrupted down time for personal reasons, maybe she was worried you'd be annoyed if she couldn't respond to the bell for some reason. So on balance I'd say if she's off duty when the parcel is due then yabu.

Unless you're unhappy with her in other ways then I'd let this one go - why not feed baby in the living room so you can see/hear the bell? I've had to answer the door when bf, I know it's annoying (especially when it's jehovahs witnesses who've got you up...). Also you could leave a note on door telling delivery firm to leave parcel on doorstep?

middlings · 23/03/2016 08:33

maydancer I've reported your posts. I'm not deaf and I find you offensive.

maydancer · 23/03/2016 08:37

I think suggesting getting a vibrating device so she can tell when the doorbell goes is helpful
Stop being so fucking childish!!

Catsize · 23/03/2016 08:43

Nice attitude maydancer.

Original poster
alice298 · 23/03/2016 08:47

Maydancer if you had said get vibrating unit etc and left at that, it would have been helpful. But then to say you are sceptical at me being offended by your earlier remark is frankly incredibly rude. But please don't worry about apologising.

OP posts:
Original poster
alice298 · 23/03/2016 08:48

PercyPig I am quite sure you're right! I'm not worrying about it any longer!

OP posts:
Spadequeen · 23/03/2016 08:52

I've been an au pair and a live in nanny. How difficult is it to answer a fucking door?

Ap was being awkward and difficult. She wants to be treated like a member of the family then she should act like one.

The op asked if the ap could let her know when she wasn't able to listen out for the door (I've have a shower/bath/nap) but the ap replied she didn't know, it depended on what her mood was at the time. Wtf?

We're not talking about a young kid here, she's 28. (Far too old to be an au pair anyway) and what's this crap about you not being able to refer to her as an au pair? Tell her to grow up and stop acting like a stroppy teenager

Did you get her from an agency? I would be having strong words with them about her attitude. I would also be having strong words with her bout her attitude and the way she has spoken to you

Spadequeen · 23/03/2016 08:54

Maydancer, sounds like you and the at would get on very well

TexanKenDoll · 23/03/2016 09:16

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP but I'm not sure if she is either! I'll try to clarify. I think APs often get very badly treated by a certain type of mother who wants to pretend they can afford a nanny but can't and so employ an AP and expect them to work the hours/do the duties of a nanny. This to me is completely unacceptable and exploitative.

We have had three nannies now and always treated them very well but they are employees and being paid well, so the boundaries are easy. I know lots of women who want the £600 per week nanny from the £80 per week AP and so APs have to fight not to be taken advantage of. Your AP being older may have experienced this and so is pushing back. I know someone who wanted a sole maternity nurse for twin boys but expected them to cook and tidy up too. Surprisingly she didn't find one!

The cultural difference is valid too. We have a maternity nurse from CP at the moment and her sense of humour is pretty dark and she's quite 'blunt' (not rude) to our English ears. She's great at her job and we understand it's just a cultural difference. Our nanny does school runs and after school activities during term time on the understanding she works longer hours during the holidays when we travel. She gets a full time salary all year and so this evens out, hours wise. There is some give and take but still clear boundaries.

Original poster
alice298 · 23/03/2016 09:18

TexanKenDoll - I agree. I do have a nanny as well because I work part time. So the au pair is a back up, literally an au pair in the extra pair of hands/part of family sense. So definitely not being exploited. Anyway I do agree with your points.

OP posts:
twofingerstoGideon · 23/03/2016 09:23

Your comments are disgraceful maydancer.

TexanKenDoll · 23/03/2016 09:32

That's good OP. I didn't think you were exploiting her but she may be coming at it from the angle that she has been in the past, so is setting more boundaries.

I despair when I hear of anyone being exploited but particularly APs or other young live in staff. I keep thinking, what if that were my DC in the future?

I helped find new jobs for three girls who were being exploited in their roles. And it's all so someone, who's normally a bit jumped up, can live out their Hyacinth Bucket fantasy of having 'staff'. Not if you can't afford it I'm afraid!

Sorry for the slight rant and good luck with whatever you decide OP.

treacletoffee23 · 23/03/2016 10:12

May dancers is showing a lack of empathy all to common towards those of us that are deaf or hearing impaired. I frequently get told to "turn my aids up" when l haven't heard.Even hearing aids do not restore hearing to normal and will not help the profoundly deaf at all.Add tinnitus and balance problems and things can be pretty miserable. I do have a flashing bell but unless it's portable that's not much use to the op.Is it possible for the delivery person to send a text to your phone in light of your difficulties? This would alert you to the parcels arrival. Phone calls are no good for obvious reasons

MitzyLeFrouf · 23/03/2016 10:21

Maydancer is a wanker.

mix56 · 23/03/2016 10:21

Just for me, au pair, not au pair. The door rings, you hear it, you answer.....
obv not if you are in the bath/asleep/......
It could be anybody or anything (house on fire)
WTF ?........

grapejuicerocks · 23/03/2016 10:26

I think the crux of the matter is when you asked her to let you know when she wouldn't be able to listen out for it. I wouldn't want to decide to have a bath for example, then have to think "ooh hang on I've got to go and let op know I'm having a bath so can't open the door" That is too much to ask of her. She worded it badly but I see where she is coming from. Even more so if you have to think in those terms when listening to music or making a telephone call.

And I agree with howbad
I actually assumed if she heard the bell she would open it anyway as I think anyone living under a shared roof would automatically do so." But I asked specifically as I am 1. Deaf so often miss the bell, and 2. Have a newborn so am often trapped under a boob monster.
The op was asking for more than normal if you hear it, open it please.

I think as a one off, or very occasionally, for a specific parcel/visitor, then the op wnbu to ask the ap to let her know if she was unavailable. But all the time - too much to ask.

grapejuicerocks · 23/03/2016 10:34

Just reread the op. It seems like it was just for a specific parcel. In which case the ap was being very u. Did you make it clear that it was just for that short period of time op? Or do you think she thought you meant generally. Easy to get wires crossed with a language barrier.

harshbuttrue1980 · 23/03/2016 11:26

OP, you said that you bf in your bedroom as a courtesy to the au pair. Would it not be a better idea if you bf where you could see the doorbell flash instead? the au pair would probably be less bothered about seeing a new mother fulfilling a natural function than she would be at being told to give up her free time to be at your beck and call. If you wanted to bf in private, do it in the living room and shut the door - then you can see the doorbell flash and get your own parcel and the au pair can enjoy their off-duty time.

AliceZurich · 23/03/2016 11:53

OMG, you don't need this aggravation, move on and find someone else.. why would you have someone in your own house that is so unkind and horrible to you???
I had one who kept criticising me.. I got rid of her.. life is hard enough.