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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect my au pair to open the door?

380 replies

alice298 · 21/03/2016 15:16

I just can't work out if I am being unreasonable or not... The other day I said to my au pair "if you hear the doorbell, please open the door as I'm expecting a parcel." I actually assumed if she heard the bell she would open it anyway as I think anyone living under a shared roof would automatically do so. But I asked specifically as I am 1. Deaf so often miss the bell, and 2. Have a newborn so am often trapped under a boob monster. Anyway, she said that when she is not officially on duty, she will not open the door unless she happens to be walking past or making a cup of tea (etc). She said she won't leave her room to open it.
I couldn't believe we were having this conversation, but didn't want to lose the plot already being deeply hormonal and emotional. So I just said - "okay please let me know when you're having a period during which you can't open it so I can make sure I am near the bell," and she said no, she didn't know when the mood would hit her not to open it so she didn't feel able to pre warn me.
I felt so upset by all this. I left it at there as I just couldn't bear to discuss it further, I didn't even know what to say. And now I find it hard to look at her in the face as I feel it is extraordinarily unkind, as well as selfish. But AIBU? If so I would love rational thinking so I can get over my current feeling of dislike towards her. I really want to be happy with her and get on with life, and finding it very hard to do so.
Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
LargeTeaPlease · 23/03/2016 12:47

You need to get rid of her. She's being totally unreasonable and if your plan is to leave your baby in her care then hope baby doesn't need attention when she feels she's off duty or she's not in the mood to deal with him/her.

Comiconce · 23/03/2016 12:55

Who in their right mind would want to be an au pair at the age of 28? Just saying...

Samkopel · 23/03/2016 13:00

How awful, my au pair would never behave like that. She is supposed to be a part of the family! I would definitely get rid of her, that kind of attitude is totally unacceptable!

RedRoots · 23/03/2016 13:50

If I was an au-pair, I wouldn't want to be responsible for answering the door when off-duty. You need to be able to relax and have some down-time, without explaining in advance to your boss when you won't be able to listen out for the doorbell.

Also, why should the au-pair be expected to traipse downstairs every time the bell rings? She's not a servant. Living as part of the family doesn't mean being constantly on-call.

She said she will answer it when she's downstairs or if she's making a cup of tea, but not if she's upstairs in her room off-duty. That sounds fair to me. If your niece was living with you would you expect her to rush down to answer the door every time? Would you ask her to inform you every time she planned to be unavailable/put headphones on/took a bath/phoned family etc?

Everyone needs uninterrupted time, even if it's just listening to music and daydreaming.

Beeziekn33ze · 23/03/2016 13:53

Agree with Thisis - talk to agency, or to whoever recommended her or supplied references. Sure you can find someone better for yourself and your family.

MadameDePompom · 23/03/2016 13:53

'why should the au-pair be expected to traipse downstairs every time the bell rings?'

Did you not bother reading? The OP asked her to listen out for the door on this one occasion. It's night like she told her she must listen out for the door at all times.

OP I don't think you're being unreasonable.

merrymouse · 23/03/2016 13:55

How is answering the door when at home not a normal thing to do during down time?

BoffinMum · 23/03/2016 15:05

OK, so DS (18) walked in and I told him about this thread and asked his view, and how he would feel about opening the door.

"Fire her. What a work ethic. it's only a fucking door. I'd do that for a random stranger, but doing for a fucking breastfeeding deaf woman is just plain ethics. Fucking hell, some people."

(To be fair, he probably gets his language from me) Grin

So we have the youth view. From someone that quite reasonably might be going off and being an au pair at some stage in the next 12 months.

maydancer · 23/03/2016 15:14

Yeah and your DS spectacularly misses the point
'Fire her. What a work ethic.'
The whole point is that she is NOT AT WORK

maydancer · 23/03/2016 15:16

How is answering the door when at home not a normal thing to do during down time?
The same question can be applied to the OP.

MadameDePompom · 23/03/2016 15:16

Oh you're back. How charming.

merrymouse · 23/03/2016 15:27

maydancer, I agree that this isn't about work ethic. It's about living in a house with other people.

The OP might miss the door for the reasons she described, but could equally be just about to take a shower. Asking somebody to open a door or take a phone message is just normal adult behaviour.

(Although phone messages are dying out now that we all have mobiles).

Original poster
alice298 · 23/03/2016 15:35

Because. I. Am. Deaf. And. Do. Not. Always. Know. It's. Gone.
But I think you may be more deaf than me since you don't seem to be able to comprehend anything I am saying on this thread.

OP posts:
BoffinMum · 23/03/2016 15:59

Well I think DS nails it.

It is a sort of job as money changes hands, and consequently requires some maturity and commitment.
But you need to be a human being and empathetic regardless of whether you are paid.
So ducking out something as daft as this makes you a pretty uncommitted employee and a pretty nasty human being as well (he actually muttered that it was 'nasty' as he disappeared off to his room)

merrymouse · 23/03/2016 16:09

When you start talking about a job, you are discussing something that has a beginning and an end. An au pair is not on duty 24 hours a day, but can be expected to do the normal things that people do for each other as part of family life, like pass the ketchup and open the door.

LeaLeander · 23/03/2016 16:18

The more I think of this the more disgusted I am with the au pair.

I thought these people were supposed to be on par with family members rather than being classed as a servant or employee. In which case I would certainly expect my child, sister, cousin, parent or other relative living in the household to have the courtesy to help me with this matter of the doorbell and the parcel.

Not to mention it's the decent thing for one human to do for another.

If she wants to be treated as a worker who clocks in and out, will she be happy if you become a stickler as to her hours, accountability for her work quality, etc? has she ever asked for flexibility in the matter of her time off or any other concessions?

BoffinMum · 23/03/2016 16:21

I wish my job had a beginning and an end. They can technically call on me any time they like. I have certainly worked evenings and weekends and some colleagues had to pull a memorable all-nighter recently. However as our employers are pretty reasonable in general I don;t think any of us mind.

Pedestriana · 23/03/2016 16:28

I can't believe this is still raging on.
You made a perfectly reasonable request to a member of the household. Some people on the thread seem to feel that answering the door if you hear the doorbell is above and beyond the call of duty and is putting huge pressure on someone to go above and beyond the stipulated requirements of their job.
I'm with Boffin's DS on this.
The AP has not been asked o recite the complete works of Shakespeare backwards whilst riding a unicycle and simultaneously entertaining the queen and several dignitaries with a twelve-course banquet, all unpaid. The AP has been asked to answer the door if she hears the doorbell.

merrymouse · 23/03/2016 16:32

Difference is you aren't an au pair, specifically not classified as an employee being paid about £80-£100 a week.

Au pairs have specific duties, and when they aren't doing them live with the family as part of a cultural exchange programme, not as an employee. (Although admittedly the terms of the programme are a bit vague leaving the system open to abuse).

If the au pair works too many hours, you need to start paying them a proper wage and treating them like an employee with all the relevant rules and regulations.

Fine to ask them to do things because they are part of the household. You're on more shaky ground if they are expected to do extra as part of their job.

merrymouse · 23/03/2016 16:34

putting huge pressure on someone to go above and beyond the stipulated requirements of their job

Except you are if the definition of that job is limited by the number of hours you are supposed to work.

Achingallover · 23/03/2016 16:38

Oh god,, dump this sullen teenager on the side of the road and drive off

Haffdonga · 23/03/2016 16:49

I think there's a lot of point missing going on on this thread. The point is NOT that AP's at work or she's Not at work and off duty. Work is totally irrelevant to the issue here.

The point is that she is sharing a home with the OP in the same way that a flat-mate or family member does and it's the same courtesy that you would extend and expect from the people you live with, whether they be family, housemate or AP.

Just like I would make my husband a cup of tea if I'm making one for myself or ask my son to feed the cat if I'm late home - it's part of house sharing. She can't expect to be treated as part of the family when she feels like it and as an employee when she doesn't.

merrymouse · 23/03/2016 16:50

Yes haggdonga.

MatildaTheCat · 23/03/2016 16:56

Let us hope the AP never needs to have a parcel delivered herself. Or a message passed on. Or a lift in the rain. Or advice on the quickest route to X or y.

She is living within the family and opening the door is absolutely a normal thing to do for someone. By all means offer to knock 30 seconds or so off her working hours for the week.

Whatever happens she has soured the relationship between you and has ultimately spoiled things for herself as you probably won't ever much like her again.

merrymouse · 23/03/2016 17:06

Haffdonga!

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