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AIBU?

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Original poster

DD is calling social services on me in the morning

458 replies

moodymelting · 18/03/2016 23:19

DD is 13 and has turned Kevin and Perry overnight.
She has turned into a nightmare.
When ever she is told off she resorts to telling me to 'go away and leave her alone and name calling or covering her ears shouting la la la Angry. She will NEVER admit she is in the wrong or apologise. She will do nothing at all to help in the house.

She spilt sweets she had bought all over my bedroom floor along with cut up tights and cardboard she had been messing with. I asked her twice to move it and she refused resorting to her go away and leave me alone tactic. When I did not back down she has gone mad! She walked into the kitchen and tipped my rubbish bin all out on the floor saying she was not picking it up and I could.

Apparently I want a perfect child because she's never done anything wrong, I am selfish, mean, she hates me. I'm a rubbish Mum and she would be better off with a different Mum than me who is a tight mess because I have refused to go tomorrow to pick up something for her when she's behaved like this.
Oh and she barricaded the room door shut with a chair so I couldn't go to bed.

I have told her that if she likes I will dial the number myself and I am sure they will rush right over to a child behaving like a total brat in-between dealing with the neglected kids who have no clothing/food or being abused Blush

How on earth do you deal with the teen strops????!!!
N/C btw as everyone on my Facebook will know my user name otherwise!

OP posts:
happy2bhomely · 19/03/2016 10:06

OP. She sounds like me. I struggled (struggle) socially because I'm controlling. The reason I am controlling is because I have anxiety. I can see myself in my dd I see that she struggles when she feels she is losing control. Can you empathise with that?

So her friends are sick of her and now she's pushing you to the point of being sick of her? Do you think she enjoys that or do you think she wishes it was different? Are you alike or do you feel like you don't get her?

Toounhappynow · 19/03/2016 10:09

The Explosive Child is great. Amazing book

RomComPhooey · 19/03/2016 10:14

I wonder if I can put a pin on the tv...

I remember reading about someone who rewired the plug on their TV with a European plug and used to hide the EU>UK adaptor when their children were being foul. I suppose this is less of a sure fire solution with a 13yo, as they could potentially buy their own.

I also know of a frustrated parent who took the master circuit board fuses for the wall socket circuits in their house with them to work to make sure their teenager would do some revision while they were in work. i.e. No telly, no x box etc.

RandomMess · 19/03/2016 10:15

I agree the needing to control sounds like anxiety in overboard.

What happens if you withdraw your taxi service to her martial arts class, or funding of it?

Ifailed · 19/03/2016 10:17

I have asked her. Shes said its because she doesnt want to do what ive asked.
OK, then ask her what she will do?

AdriftOnMemoryBliss · 19/03/2016 10:18

How does she feel about her martial arts instructor? Could you involve them? My dd does karate and her instructor is very strict about respect and good behaviour both in school and at home. Sometimes threatening her with telling her Sensai works just to bring her down a notch.

Original poster
moodymelting · 19/03/2016 10:28

'What happens if you withdraw your taxi service to her martial arts class, or funding of it?'

Shes abusive verbally, sometimes physically

Threatens to bnever go again because her nan is really keen for her to carry on and it will upset her nan apparently if i stop her going.

Then after the session time shes not bothered.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 19/03/2016 10:32

I think it is something beyond the "typical" teenager attitude.

Does seem like PDA type behaviour...

Flowers
Original poster
moodymelting · 19/03/2016 10:32

She adores the instructor.
I have said i would tell sensei when shes been physical if she did it again. She just says she won't go again.

She doesn't want to do anything at all. She wants to be allowed to do what she wants when she wants.

OP posts:
Original poster
moodymelting · 19/03/2016 10:33

Will order the book thank you!

OP posts:
Original poster
moodymelting · 19/03/2016 10:34

With pda would she be good and not defiant there though.

OP posts:
GeorgeTheThird · 19/03/2016 10:47

If she is ever challenged on anything her reaction is to become angry so that she gets out of whatever shes been asked to do.

Change the way you ask? If you keep doing what you're doing, you'll keep getting what you're getting. Try making the statement neutral, so instead of "Pick that up off the floor", try "That floor needs to be clear before we go to cadets".

Original poster
moodymelting · 19/03/2016 10:49

I have George she doesn't do it, doesn't go and kicks off

OP posts:
AgentZigzag · 19/03/2016 10:51

I agree that anxiety can cause explosive anger, I was the same, I think it was because I didn't know how else to express everything that was building up inside and it'd all come out like a huge bout of diarrhoea at once.

It must have been pretty scary to anyone caught in the cross fire.

I also agree with posters saying not to take her door off, my bedroom was my only sanctuary in what seemed to be a very hostile world, if that was taken away from me I would have imploded.

Where's your DD's Dad in all this moody, I don't think he's been mentioned on the thread has he? Does he have any pearls as to how she should be handled?

curren · 19/03/2016 11:06

You threaten to tell her Sensei?

Did you actually tell him/her?

Ours would want to know if they are being violent or threatening violence outside the dojo.

GeorgeTheThird · 19/03/2016 11:06

Hmm. Ok.

What's the aim here? A clear floor? Respect? Her doing what you ask her to do?

What is it that you want from her - once you have identified what is important you may be able to work out a strategy for your own behaviour to try to modify hers eventually, she's a teenager, there's no magic bullet

GeorgeTheThird · 19/03/2016 11:09

For me, I reckon what I want is an acknowledgement that clearing the floordrobe is their job, not mine. They may not actually do it very well, or very often, but they know is is their job not mine and that I am not a skivvy.

So if they make a halfhearted attempt, I accept that. If we do it together, I accept that. Their own bedroom floor is not something I choose to pick a battle over. Other things are different.

Original poster
moodymelting · 19/03/2016 11:11

Curren she hasn't been physical since i threatened it. As in if you ever physically touch me again i will tell your sensei you using it out of the dojo.

My aim is a child that doesn't make me feel I am walking on egg shells when she walks through the door, some respect and want to occassionally help me out in the house.

OP posts:
whatiswrongwithyou · 19/03/2016 11:12

Honestly, having had 3 daughters myself and the youngest now in her teens, my advice would be to pick your battles.

No matter how infuriating, try and let it ride and keep the lines of communication open. That doesn't mean that you don't pull her up for crappy behaviour when you're both feeling calmer, but try not to engage and inflame the situation further, as will taking doors off hinges, grounding, removing privileges and believe me your Daughter will just raise the bar that much higher till in the end there is nowhere left to go.

I know it's hard to love them when they're constantly screaming and behaving in such a hateful way, but she's still a child and needs the security of home and to know that you're on her side.

As parents we have this fear that if we don't come down heavy and punish them they'll just get more out of line, but in my experience that's not the case and eventually they do grow out of it and even turn in to nice, likeable human beings again Smile

Original poster
moodymelting · 19/03/2016 11:14

It was my bedroom floor for the record. She was so filthy last year we got mice. It was awful Blush

OP posts:
curren · 19/03/2016 11:14

That's brilliant. If she hasn't got physical or threatened she knows and understand the boundaries. She isn't just losing it and can't control herself, she has some degree of control.

My aim is a child that doesn't make me feel I am walking on egg shells when she walks through the door, some respect and want to occassionally help me out in the house.

I don't think you are asking much.

GeorgeTheThird · 19/03/2016 11:16

But your feelings are your own responsibility. You can't lay them at her door. How can you ensure that you feel better? Engage with her less? Refuse to be drawn in? Tell her you won't talk to her if she speaks to you like that? Count to ten? Take ten minutes to get changed in your own room before you start dinner? Exercise more? Take up yoga?

She's unlikely ever to want to help in the house at this age, that doesn't mean she shouldn't or won't but it is unrealistic to expect her to want to.

Respectful behaviour. Hmmm. Takes time. What would it look like?

I think you need behavioural goals from her, rather than seeking to change her mixed up hormonal teenage feelings, you can't do that. What actions do you want?

GeorgeTheThird · 19/03/2016 11:18

And you have sorted the physical violence effectively. Brilliant. That's one thing done!

shazzarooney99 · 19/03/2016 11:20

Call her bluff and tell her you will phone them, she will shit herself.

GeorgeTheThird · 19/03/2016 11:21

Yes, I'm sorry, I just reread your OP. Your bedroom floor. I would have shouted, briefly and loudly for that. Then I would have either cleared it myself, it sounds like only a minute's work, or asked later in the evening when she had calmed down rather than make it a battle if ask, refuse, ask, refuse. She knew she was in the wrong. She knew she should clear it up. She probably couldn't make herself do it in the heat of the moment.